To a time of lies.
I stared at his breasts and his surgically made vagina and could have wept for the fact that Jarrod was absolutely no more. Another reminder that the formative years of my life had been a complete waste of time. I’d lived with a liar in a sham of a relationship. My whole early life a deception. Of course, I knew one fact, one truth, that Jarrod had loved to be tickled and scratched. So, I used that information against him. My dramatic arts skills had come in useful when I’d faked an orgasm. In my mind my legs were wrapped around his head in a stranglehold, crushing his windpipe, laughing as he clutched for air.
Then I had to fuck him with a dildo. The only reason I was so enthused was because the watch on my wrist has a video recorder on it. I made sure to get a decent angle of the dildo thrusting in and out while she ground herself furiously on it.
‘Come for me, Inez,’ I had shouted. ‘Fuck me.’
‘Oh, my God, Selma, Yes.’
Feeling calmer, I turn off the shower and dry myself off with a clean bath towel. I feel cleansed of the dirty deeds of the last hour. Now I need to go back to face Inez, try and salvage the friendship because I’m not doing that again.
A smile breaks out on my face as I watch the video clip. I can’t wait to visit Ed.
I walk back into the bedroom to find Inez with puffy eyes. She looks at me, a desolate look on her face.
‘Can I say something?’
She nods.
‘We were intrigued and pissed. Can we forget it happened? I much prefer you as a best mate.’
Inez rubs her eyes and sits up. ‘Seriously? That would be okay with you? I’m so sorry. I was thinking about my husband the whole time.’
‘I have to confess, it didn’t do a lot for me. I prefer my husband too. Let’s forget it. I guess it’ll be weird for a bit, but I’m willing to try if you are.’
‘Yes please.’ Inez grabs my hand. ‘You’re my only friend, I don’t want to lose you.’
‘So, your furniture is coming this morning.’ I remind her, changing the subject. ‘Shall we grab some breakfast and get ready for some interior design?’
‘I think I’d better not drink so much ever again,’ says Inez as she looks around at her newly furnished lounge. It’s unrecognisable apart from the previously grey walls and light grey carpet. There’s a comfy charcoal sofa and matching tub chair. Lime green curtains, with a matching rug and cushions. New ornaments. A woodland picture on the wall and a large, lime green, floor-standing vase.
‘You certainly know how to shop.’ I laugh.
The charity I help had been to collect the old furniture. I kept out of the way in case it was someone I’d met before, but it was two strapping blokes, who moved the furniture like it was made of cotton wool.
‘I think we need pizza for lunch to celebrate,’ announces Inez. ‘It’ll help the remnants of my hangover too. You fancy some?’
‘I’d love some.’
Inez grabs her coat. ‘I’ll ring it in, but it’s quicker to collect. Will you be okay here while I fetch it? I’ll be about twenty minutes or so.’
‘Absolutely.’ I pick up the remote. ‘I’ll find some trashy TV programme we can watch while we eat.’
Of course, the minute she leaves I explore the house. I find Ed’s office and look through his stuff. As I rifle through his drawer, I see a photo similar to the one in his address book. The picture is of Ed in his Scout uniform, but this time he’s with another boy – Jarrod.
What the actual fuck?
I leave the room and return to the sofa downstairs, my mind flips out with this new information. They knew each other before? Edward moving to our street had not been the start of my life falling apart? Had he moved here deliberately? Had they been having a relationship all those years or was Edward a stalker? Maybe he’d met Jarrod at Scouts and then started an obsession?
With not being able to confess to having seen the photo, there’s only one thing I can do.
I wait for Inez to return to ask how she and Ed met. I wonder if she’ll tell me the truth.
Firstly, I make up some shit about my imaginary husband. How his book is coming along. How I miss him when he’s in the writing cave because I love him so much. I say we met when I stumbled across an author event when I was on holiday, and he was a signing author.
Then I slip it into conversation. ‘How about you? How did you meet Ed? How did you know he was the one?’
Inez sighs and looks at the floor, and for a moment I think she’s going to tell me she can’t speak about it. Then she looks up.
‘I guess seeing as we got a bit too close physically, I may as well let you in mentally. It’s not a pretty story, and I’m not proud. Promise me you’ll not judge me? I don’t want to lose your friendship.’
‘I promise,’ I tell her.
‘Ed moved into this house. I lived down the street with Mel.’ She walks over to the window. ‘In that house, over there.’
I make a pretence of seeking out my old home.
‘Mel encouraged me to attend one of the street’s game nights. The guys would play poker and stuff. I hated the thought. I’d rather have been doing the baking she spent her time doing, but she insisted. When I went to Ed’s house, and he opened the door, I was shocked. We’d met before, years ago when I was in a scout camp. I’d seen him on a couple of occasions at Scouts, and well, we’d experimented together. The first indication to me that I was not living the life I was meant for.’
‘What an amazing coincidence. It was like fate,’ I say, faking excitement.
‘No.’ Inez shakes her head. ‘I didn’t know, but he’d kept tabs on me. He admitted to having never forgotten me. He said he had to know whether I was genuinely happy with my wife or whether there was a chance for us.’ She rubs the back of her neck. ‘I started a relationship with Ed.’
Inez
For a brief moment, I feel Selma is judging me, but the look disappears from her face. ‘Did you not love your wife?’ she asks.
‘I did. It’s hard to explain. We were best friends, and I don’t remember ever not loving her. Like I said before, sex was okay but nothing amazing.’
Selma winces.
‘I know. It’s not kind of me to say that, but I was her only lover, and I know now I wasn’t a good one. I was always trying to put her off. With Ed, something clicked. I fell in love with him.’
‘So you left?’
‘Not quite. One night we were drunk and got carried away. Anyway, Mel and another guy’s wife saw us. Then she had an accident, and well, then there was no more me and Mel.’
Selma looks shocked. ‘Oh, my God. What happened? Did she die?’
‘Gosh, no. It was terrible though. She was in the road after she found us and a taxi hit her. In time, she remarried. I think in some ways it did her a favour. She seemed genuinely happy with her new husband.’
‘How can you know that?’ Selma snaps.
I sit back, my mouth open.
‘Sorry,’ says Selma. ‘I’m being judgy. It’s just you say she saw you and then ended up in hospital, and you think she was happier afterwards. Did you never talk to her? Explain?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I’ve always been a coward. Is that what you want to hear?’
‘If it’s the truth, yes. We’re friends. Talk to me.’
‘Fine.’ My nostrils flare. ‘I was a shit scared coward. She lost our baby, and I didn’t want to have to see her. The truth is I hadn’t wanted the child anyway. I was sad she’d lost it but happy that I wouldn’t be tied to her now I was in love with Edward. Ed didn’t want me to see her so I didn’t visit and it was easier to avoid all the drama that would have come with it. By the time she came out of hospital all she wanted was the house. She’d grown indifferent to me. So, she got it.’
‘Jesus, Inez, what a mess.’
‘My whole life was a mess. From then on it was beautiful. Ed adored me. Until now. Until Sam.’ I spit the name out. ‘Do you know what?’ I fold my arms across my chest. �
��He’s not ignoring me anymore. Tomorrow I’m going to his work, and I’m going to demand he talks to me.’
‘Sounds like a plan,’ Selma says and smiles.
Selma
When I leave, I can’t put my fury into words. I visit the pub I went to with Inez and hope to God the drunk idiots are still there. It’s not really luck. Downbeats like them are never anywhere else. The woman spots me, nods to her bloke, and they saunter in my direction. They try to appear cool, but I can smell their desperation.
‘Do you want to earn some money?’ I ask them. ‘I’ll give you half now and half after. You never met me. If you ever grass on me in any way, there’ll be an accident with petrol, a match, and your faces? Do you understand?’
I make a deal with them and leave.
Since I decided to keep Ed at my home a while longer, I thought it wise to make him more comfortable. I didn’t want him getting sick. Bobby moved him to a bedroom where he could lie down last night, with a bedpan so he could swivel his hips to pee. Of course, for that to happen his bottom half had to be naked, but that couldn’t be helped. We very kindly left a shopping channel on so he could spend his day learning about juicers and exercise machines. Tonight I’ve got him some extra special viewing pleasure.
‘Evening, Edward. It’s time for this to move along. I want my house back.’
He eyes me coolly. ‘That television crap is worse torture than your tattooing.’
I give him a drink, pouring the liquid down his throat and then I feed him a sandwich. The look of loathing he gives me at having to eat at my whim makes a smirk curl the edges of my lips and my heart beat faster with euphoria.
When I’m satisfied he’s had enough to eat I ask him my question again.
‘What is it you’re not telling me, Ed? I know you met Jarrod at scout camp. I know you corrupted him there.’
‘He wanted to be corrupted.’
‘Whether he did or not, my guess is you encouraged him.’
He smiles and answers my question by doing so.
‘Why did I ruin your life? I don’t remember you. Was it school? Did I accidentally cause you some kind of problem?’
‘Let me go, Mel. This is tiresome, and you’re getting nowhere.’
I sigh and sit on the edge of the bed, my shoulders sagging, as if in defeat. ‘Were you and Inez always faithful to each other?’ I ask him, letting my voice quieten. ‘He wasn’t faithful to me.’
‘Yes. We adore each other. We were meant to be.’
‘That’s funny,’ I say, my voice returning to its usual timbre. I hold up my mobile. ‘Because earlier he didn’t seem to think of you at all.’ I play the video I transferred to my mobile phone.
He watches, his face sears in agony as his wife fucks the living hell out of a dildo that appears attached to my body, hearing her scream, ‘Oh, my God, Selma, yes.’
‘Guess she doesn’t feel the same way,’ I tell him.
‘You win,’ he spits, rattling the chain attached to the bedhead. ‘You win, all right. I need to get out of here and get back to my wife. You sick fuck.’
I stand back and glare at him. ‘Tell me the secret.’ I demand.
‘I’m your older brother,’ he shouts and then he laughs at me, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. ‘Your lovely mother was the school slag, and I was the result.’
‘You’re a liar,’ I scream. ‘Permanently creating chaos in other people’s lives as if you’re the great puppet master. Well, tonight it’s time I end this once and for all.’
‘Go find out. You’re a clever girl. My father’s name was Charles Devon.’
I switch the television off and leave Ed in the dark and silence while I dash home to confirm he’s a fantasist.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Inez
The strangest thing happens this evening. I’m on my way to the chip shop, having decided I can’t be bothered to cook and I see Dave on his driveway, washing his car. As I’m not with my usual protector, I find my feet crossing the street and stand before him. It’s fair to say that he looks shocked to see me in front of him.
‘Inez,’ he nods, his tone cool.
‘Dave.’ I say. ‘I-’ I look around. What the fuck was I thinking? It’s talking to Selma about the past that’s dragged things up. Made me wonder about what happened with Mel.
‘I know it’s far too late, but I wanted to say I’m sorry. About everything.’
Dave throws his chamois leather into the bucket of warm soapy water.
‘You’re quite right, it’s too fucking late. Where’s your bodyguard, chicken shit?’
I take a step backwards.
Dave shakes his head. ‘Oh, my God look at you. I raise my temper and you back off like a girl.’
‘I am a woman,’ I protest.
‘No, you’re not. You’re a bloke. A bloke I drank beer with. A bloke who had surgery to be a woman. But you’re not a woman so don’t back off like you’re scared of me when you’re three inches taller than I am and could take me on any day. Woman or not, you aren’t weak, Inez. You managed to turn your back on your family and friends easily enough. Or maybe you were weak and let Ed take complete charge of your life. I wouldn’t know because you never spoke to me again. I thought we were friends.’
He turns back to his car, retrieves his chamois from the bucket and carries on cleaning the car’s exterior though it’s with a renewed vigour.
‘Why did she leave?’ I say quietly.
He turns around and looks at me like he’s sure he’s misheard.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Why did she leave? I thought you were happy together?’
‘What we were is none of your business, but if you believe she could stay forever in a street housing her ex-husband and his psycho lover, then you’re even more stupid than I gave you credit for.’
‘Where did she go? To her parents?’
‘Her parents are dead, not that it’s any business of yours, so no, she didn’t go there. You’ve no right to know what happened in her life and I’m not telling you.’
He picks up the bucket of hot water. He tilts it as if ready to throw it at me. ‘Now get off my property.’
‘He’s left me you know?’ I say. ‘Fucked off with a secretary from work. Sam they call her. Sam with the perfect vagina.’
Dave puts the bucket down.
I fight back the tears, some of sadness but more of frustration that I’m breaking down in front of a man I’ve ignored for years. One who I never consoled when he lost his own wife. So I’m surprised when he asks me to come inside.
I settle on his sofa. As I glance around, I see no pictures of Mel, so I guess their separation was acrimonious. There are pictures of youngsters. Dave sees my interest.
‘My grandchildren,’ he says.
‘Gosh. Time passes so quickly.’ It’s one of those statements you say without thinking, a platitude. I instantly regret it.
‘Time hasn’t passed quickly for me, Inez. It’s mainly been fighting for survival. Keeping going for my children. Waiting for a day when everything resembles normality. When I’m curled up on the sofa with a loved one and all we have to worry about is what we’re going to watch on the TV. Instead, I’ve found myself alone twice, and I blame you and Edward for both.’
‘I couldn’t help it,’ I try to explain. ‘We loved each other with an intensity that burned through common sense.’
‘Well, it’s obviously extinguished now, if he’s taken up with this Sam. Is he not coming back then? Is he with her now?’
My voice thickens. ‘I think so. He won’t talk to me. Hasn’t since he left. It’s her calling all the time. I’m going to his work tomorrow to demand he speaks to me. I need to know what’s happening. I can’t stay in this limbo.’
He scratches his chin. ‘I thought something was going on. I saw the charity come and collect furniture and I’ve seen you’ve had a friend round a few times?’
‘Selma. She’s been my rock.’ I tell him. Though I
fucked up there as well.
I pour my heart out to this man as he sits in silence listening intently. When I tell him I slept with Selma, he grimaces. ‘I know. I fucked up,’ I tell him. ‘But seriously, it’s weird, we’ve slotted straight back into being friends. It’s as if last night didn’t happen.’
‘So where’s Selma now?’
‘She’s gone back home to her husband. He’s a writer apparently.’
Dave shrugs.
I stand up. ‘I’m sorry I blurted my problems out. I know it was inappropriate. Thank you for inviting me in and listening.’
As my eyes meet Dave’s, I see his are cold and flat. He sneers. ‘You always were a cry baby. Moaning that your wife wanted to start a family. I swear Ed must have been a cross dresser because you’ve always hidden behind his skirts. You never approached your ex-wife or me to see how we were. Then the minute your jailer fucks off, you’re over here trying to say sorry. You attempt to satisfy your curiosity about what occurred during the years you’ve missed, and then you have the audacity to sit in the house of my dead first wife and whine that your husband’s gone off with his secretary, that you’ve fucked your friend and now you’re a whole ball of regret,’ he spits. ‘Your selfishness knows no bounds. Your ego is one of the largest I’ve come across. You’re devoid of personality and empty of empathy. You should have died, or been hit by a taxi. You. Not Sandra or Mel.’
I back off. ‘I think it’s best if I leave.’
Dave picks up a baseball bat from underneath the sofa. ‘Take off that wig.’
I clutch at my hair. ‘Dave, don’t do anything stupid.’
He walks towards me and pulls it off my head. Not again. It brings back memories of the pub attack. Again it pulls, making my eyes water. As I see the menace in his face, I begin to tremble.
‘You deserve to suffer for what you’ve done.’
He swings the bat at my body. The pain is indescribable. He inflicts ten blows in all, including three directly in between my legs. I begin to retch. He drags me by the arm to his integral garage. He pushes me in and looks at my shaking body. ‘When it goes dark I’ll take you back to your own house. Until then you can fucking stay on the floor like the piece of dirt you are.’
MInE: A Hate Story Page 9