MInE: A Hate Story

by Andie M. Long

  My heart thuds again. I feel the blood drain from my body. Melissa. My ex-wife. Coming here? Answering the phone of Selma. I really am insane. Or this nurse is.

  ‘I don’t understand. Why is Melissa answering Selma’s phone? What’s going on?’

  ‘She explained. Sit back and relax, sweetheart. She says you’ve been calling her Selma for a while. That you’ve been hallucinating and imagining she’s someone else. She wonders if it’s a manifestation of who you wanted to be.’ She nods at me. ‘She told me about your op.’

  The anger takes over. ‘I’m not mad!’ I scream. ‘I’ve not seen Mel for years. I’ve been with Selma. She’s been helping me since my marriage broke down. My husband. He’s left me. Selma helped me. Where is she? Where’s Selma.’

  Staff rush in and I find myself held down until I agree I’m calm. They keep a nurse by my bed. Apparently, I’m now on one-to-ones because I’m not safe to be left alone.

  Maybe I’m not.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Melissa

  It feels good to be me again. No pussyfooting about, ensuring I speak in the right accent and don’t give myself away like I did with Dave. Now I can be me. Or rather, very soon I’ll be able to live the rest of my life knowing that my sacrifices of the last few years were worth it, that they suffered what I did and now we’re even. Just a couple more things to strike off the to-do list.

  The first is to ask Bobby to drop Inez’s phone off at the nurse station with a message that I’ll be along later.

  The second is to deal with Ed.

  I unlock the door of my house and walk through, a smile on my face, knowing that the filthy infestation of Ed is on its way out. I open the kitchen drawer and take out the key for the handcuffs and then open the bedroom door. When I walk into the room, Ed is mumbling to himself. His head turns towards me. He looks like a deranged hobo.

  ‘Did you find the truth? Am I finally getting out of here, sis?’

  I give him a withering glare. ‘You believe that if it helps you. You are getting out of here though, and this is how it’s going to go. I’m going to uncuff you, and then you’re going to get a shower. Bobby is arriving shortly, and he’ll assist you with shaving. We need to get you looking as smart as possible. After that, I’ll fix you a drink and a sandwich, get some sustenance in you, and then you can put on this suit. The last nice suit you own by the way as Inez got rid of all your clothes. Bobby will drop you home. You understand it wouldn’t be right us being seen together, don’t you? Wouldn’t want people to talk.’

  ‘And what if the minute you uncuff me, I break your nose instead?’ he sneers.

  ‘Well, then you’ll not know how to locate your wife, will you? Or is that ex-wife, or even’— I chuckle –‘Late wife.’

  He strains on his chain. ‘What have you done?’

  ‘It’s a little stupid to let you go, without having an insurance policy, isn’t it? I’ve done what I set out to do, we’re even-stevens. Now you can go.’

  Ed stares at me. His eyes full of hatred. ‘I’ll do whatever it takes to get out of here.’

  Ed is true to his word. He gives Bobby no problems and is dropped off at his door. Unknown to them I’ve followed in my car and parked down the street. I move nearer to their house, keeping behind foliage and out of sight. I watch as Ed sees the graffiti on the outside of the house. I watch as he picks up a parcel from behind his bin. A whole new set of cheap shit clothes. When he’s safely indoors, and Bobby has driven away, I call his house phone.

  ‘Yes,’ he says tersely.

  ‘Your wife is on Ward A2 at Southern. At least, she was when I left. They may have transferred her to the psychiatric unit by now. Anyway, I’m about to find out. I’ll see you there.’

  I cut him off.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Inez

  They ask me if I’m settled now. I nod. I’m confused still, but I feel a lot better. If Melissa comes, I’ll ask her to explain. I don’t think I’ve gone mad. There’s an explanation here somewhere, I know there is. I’ll bet the drugs they’ve given me here have made me imagine they’ve said Mel. It’ll be Selma who visits, I’m sure.

  Another nurse walks in with my phone. ‘This has been dropped off for you.’

  I brighten and smile. ‘Thank you.’ This is great. I can look through my photos and find the ones of me and Selma together. Then I can show them to the nurse. They’ll know then I’m not mad. I skim through my photos but find none of us both. I swipe the phone faster. Not a single one. My photos consist of pictures of Ed, and Bounty – my poor beautiful dog.

  I check my emails. There are no longer signs banning the use of mobile phones in the hospital, or if there is my nurse stays silent as I carry on searching through mine. I startle as I see that I have an email from Ed. I read it.

  Inez,

  I realise I made a mistake. I genuinely believed I was in love with you and we did share some happy years together. But I realised I needed a proper woman. There have been several over the years. I’m not proud of having cheated. I’m sorry. They meant nothing. It was just sex. However, Sam is different. I love her. So, I won’t be coming back. I’ll come over sometime tomorrow for the rest of my belongings. I’ve handed in my notice at work, and I’m going to start afresh somewhere with Sam.

  I wish you every happiness and hope you can find the same sort of love I have. You’ll realise then that what we had together wasn’t it.

  ‘I need to get home,’ I scream. Jumping out of bed and trying to grab hold of my belongings. ‘My husband’s coming home to get his things.’

  My nurse looks at the door. ‘Inez, please get back in bed. You’re getting upset again. They’ll hold you down.’

  I stop and turn to her. ‘Read this email.’ I hand her the phone. ‘He’s leaving me. This is the last chance I’ll have to see him.’

  The nurse looks genuinely remorseful as she gives me a sad smile and touches my arm. ‘I’m sorry, Inez. You’re neither physically or mentally ready to go home.’

  To prove her point, I break down and cry right there in front of her. I’ve nothing left and can’t see the point in carrying on, so they’re right to keep me here.

  I hear a nurse’s voice. ‘Look, I’ll let you in, but if she becomes upset you’ll have to leave. It’s been a difficult day for her. Do you understand?’

  I try to gaze past the nurse’s shoulder to see who’s behind her but I can’t. The nurse is too tall. I breathe a sigh of relief when Selma’s voice comes out. ‘I understand, thank you.’

  The nurse turns to me and says to press my buzzer if needed. I nod, and then she moves away.

  My mouth drops open as behind her stands Selma, but not Selma. Her body is the same, but her eyes are a different colour, and her hair is long and dark. Her hair is like Mel’s when she was married to Dave.

  ‘I don’t understand, Selma. I’m confused.’

  ‘Hello, Jarrod.’ The voice that comes out of her mouth is my ex-wife’s. As clear as anything. My hand goes across my mouth. It can’t be. I really am insane. It’s not possible this is Mel. She’s years younger and doesn’t look like her. I’m mistaken with the voice. It’s Selma. Selma with a new hairstyle.

  Selma takes a seat at the side of my bed.

  ‘We don’t have long. If you create any fuss, our conversation will be over, and you’ll be on your way to the psychiatric unit, so I suggest you shut up and listen,’ she tells me. I listen with my eyes shut. It is Mel’s voice.

  I open my eyes and can’t stop staring. How can this be Mel? Her skin is not the same. Her cheekbones are not the same. Her nose is different. Her lips are a completely different shape. She’s toned and tanned, and Mel was soft, with plump edges and as pale as milk. Mel had no bust, this woman’s are, I know, a decent handful. If this is Mel, I fucked Mel. There was no Selma. Never any Selma. It was Mel all along.

  ‘You can’t be Mel. I hear your voice, but you can’t be.’

  ‘You’re not the only one to hav
e reconstructive surgery. It’s amazing what money can buy.’

  I sit a moment, staring and shaking my head. ‘But, why?’

  ‘You killed my baby. I lost who I believed was the love of my life. I lost the ability to have any more babies. You took away my life. It was only fair you lost yours in return.’

  ‘So you set Ed up with Sam?’

  She guffaws with laughter. ‘I am Sam.’

  ‘What?’ I sit up. ‘You slept with my husband?’

  ‘No, I most certainly didn’t. But that’s rich coming from you,’ she snarls. ‘I’ll explain it to you like I did Ed. It’s really quite clever when you think about it. It’s a puzzle. Rearrange the letters of Melissa, and you get Sam lies. Oh, and how Sam has lied. She lied about having an affair with your husband. I did work with him though, that’s the truth. It was so much fun working with Ed and him not knowing who I was.’

  If I thought my mind was messed up before it’s nothing to how it feels now. I’m reeling. I can’t take my eyes away from my ex-wife. Trying to find any part of her I recognise, other than her now non-contact-lensed eyes and her voice. Even the shape of her eyes is different, though other than the colour it’s difficult to associate it with the woman I knew.

  ‘So, you weren’t ever my friend?’ I ask. ‘You were playing a part?’

  ‘Yup.’ She sits back and smiles. ‘Your mugging? Set up.’

  I gasp.

  ‘Well, thank you for at least being helpful when I lost Bounty,’ I say. I watch as her face saddens. ‘I’m still devastated.’ I tell her.

  ‘It’s the one thing I regret.’

  ‘W-what?’ My breath catches in my throat.

  She fiddles with the wedding ring I now notice on her left hand. Not the one I put there. ‘I made a huge donation to a pet charity after that you know. For them to specifically look into how to develop antidotes to antifreeze poisoning.’

  ‘Y-you killed Bounty?’

  She looks at me with an intense stare. ‘You killed my baby. I killed yours. Only you can buy another one. How is that fair?’

  ‘So all of this has been for revenge?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  My forehead creases. ‘But all that effort. Surgery to make yourself different, murdering animals. Do you not feel it’s slightly over the top? Could you not just have egged the house or something?’

  ‘You still don’t get it, do you?’ she says. ‘You’re making jokes about a situation that has no humour.’ Her voice is so low, it sends a chill down my spine.

  ‘You tilted my world on its axis. You were my whole life. We were happily married and having a baby. In one night, I lost my husband, who became someone else, so I couldn’t even mourn your loss properly. You were no longer Jarrod but still around. Living across the street, shoving your happiness down my throat, making me choke. I fought for my life. I lost my baby and any chance of having one. Then I found out I’d lost my friend. Do you even remember Sandra? She was so guilt ridden she killed herself. Next, I lost my home.’ She puts a finger up as she sees me start to protest. ‘Yes, I got it from you in payment for the divorce, but it was never my home again. I had to give away all the baby stuff, Jarrod. Do you know how that felt? Of course you don’t. You didn’t give a shit because you were so in love with Ed.’

  I wince as she calls me my old name again, but I guess that’s who she’s talking to so I let it go. Right now, that’s who’s present in this hospital room. Jarrod and Mel. Having the conversation we should have had after the accident.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘No, you’re not. You never wanted the baby. That’s what you told Selma. Oh, by the way, that’s another in-joke. Selma Is. Selma is Melissa. Another jumble of the letters. You’ll see I’ve had to take my laughs where I can find them.’

  I bite my lip as I think back to my conversation with Selma. I told her everything. Mel knows everything. Fuck.

  ‘I think what hurt the most though, Jarrod, is that you couldn’t have confided in me when we were younger. When you first started things with Ed. Instead, you dragged us through years of lies. Years I could have spent with another man, having another man’s children, being happy. Now do you see why you have to pay? Yes, it’s taken me years, and I don’t care. You already took years of my life so what’s a few more? You don’t deserve happiness, Jarrod. Not one bit of it. Not with him anyway.’

  ‘I love him.’

  ‘Do you? That’s not what I think. I’ve spent enough time with you the last week to get to know exactly what your relationship was like. He controls every one of your actions. You can’t breathe without his permission. You swapped a life of imprisonment with me, for another one. You can be Inez, but you’re still not yourself. You’re Ed’s toy, Inez. He even named you. So who are you?’ Her voice rises on the you. ‘You’re no longer Jarrod. Are you, Inez? Or are you someone else? The person you hoped to be. You said you had an idea of a name of your own.’ She laughs. ‘I was going to say you don’t have the balls to do it, to be yourself.’ Another laugh, ‘and you really don’t, do you?’

  I look at the bed, concentrate on the hospital emblem imprinted on the bedding.

  ‘I wanted to be physically sick when I saw your vagina.’

  I wince and hug my arms around myself, trying to become smaller.

  ‘Not that they haven’t done a good job. In some ways it’s fascinating, to see how they can make a vagina that actually comes. Science and biology are incredible. But it was like another loss to me, you know. I had to acknowledge that the male part of you was completely gone.’

  ‘I’ve never felt male, Melissa.’

  ‘I know that now,’ she says in a quieter tone. ‘You explained it all to Selma.’

  ‘So where’s Ed then? Do you know?’ I ask her.

  ‘He’s been in my old house.’

  ‘The one at Handforth? Your parents old home?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why has he been staying there?’

  ‘Not through choice. I kidnapped him. He’s not the same man either now.’ She glares at me. ‘We’ll see how you get on when he returns. By the way, he knows you fucked me.’

  I breathe sharply. ‘I’ll tell him you lied.’

  ‘I recorded it on a camera on my watch Jarrod. He’s seen it.’

  I place my head in my hands. ‘Oh, my God. What else have you done?’

  ‘Lots of things. An eye for an eye. As I said, I lost my baby, you lost yours.’

  ‘I can’t believe you murdered my dog.’

  ‘Then I lost my husband. I can’t force Edward not to want you, so instead, I’m sending him back with a reminder of what you stole from me. Let you look at it as you make love and remember. I’ll always be there now, Jarrod. Always. In your bedroom with you. While Ed thinks about how you let me fuck you. How you cheated on him. When you look at Ed’s body, you’re always going to be reminded of me. If you survive it, good luck to you. But my hope is that it eats you alive until you can’t stand to be together anymore. You see, I don’t want your separation to be quick. I want it to take years. I want it to waste years. For you to realise that it’s all been for nothing. Your whole sad fuck-up of a life. All for nothing. That you failed as Jarrod, that you failed as Inez. That you don’t know who the fuck you actually are.’

  ‘I never realised how much hurt I caused you, to make you like this.’ I look at her in pity.

  ‘Well, now you do,’ she sneers. ‘Oh, don’t give me that look. The poor Mel look that you gave me when I asked you if we could have children and you made me wait. ‘Now I can finally move on with my life. That’s if Dave will still have me. I realised how much I loved him when I was away. I couldn’t understand it as I’d only ever known the fake love between us. Dave and I - we have to start again, afresh. We’re getting on in years now. We don’t have any more time to waste. I’m almost done with you.’

  ‘Almost?’

  ‘Like I said. I lost my home. I could never settle in that house. I only wanted
it so I could use the funds to pay for this.’ She sweeps a hand over her body.

  ‘What have you done to my house?’

  ‘Let’s save that for later because any minute now you’re going to get a visitor. I can hear him asking where you are.’ Mel laughs. ‘It’s such a shame that I’m going to tell the nurse you’re extremely agitated and need a rest before you have any more visitors.’

  ‘Mel. No.’

  But she does. I watch her go out and have a word with the nurse outside the door. I hear Ed arguing as the nurse says he can’t go in. That I need to rest. That visiting time starts again at six and to come back then. He gets angry, and she warns him that she’ll ring security if he doesn’t calm down. I hear him storm off, his footsteps heavy and then I hear Mel say, ‘I wonder if that’s where her bruises came from?’

  She’s so very fucking clever.

  How I underestimated my stay at home housewife.

  At six pm Ed bursts through my door. He dashes over to my bedside, his arms wide.

  I veer back towards the bed head.

  ‘You can’t hug me?’ he says.

  ‘I’m not myself at the moment, Ed. I need a bit of space.’ I look at him, seeing his drawn face, his weight loss. ‘What did she do to you?’

  ‘She tried to break my spirit, but she failed. Other than when she showed me the video.’

  I cast my eyes down. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be. If it had been another person, it’d be different. But it was Melissa. She’s part of your past, and we’ll put her back there again.’

  ‘I want her to be left alone, Ed. She’s suffered enough.’

  ‘What?’ Ed snarls. ‘Are you kidding me?’

  ‘No.’ I snap, waving my hand around. ‘All this that she did. She explained. It was a reaction to what we put her through. She’s finished. It’s over now. It’s time for us to live our lives and let her live hers.’

  He removes his jacket and begins to unbutton his shirt.