by Meg Cabot
• Continuous or repetitive finger tapping, hand wringing, knee jiggling or whole body movements (well, this is totally Boris, as anyone who has ever seen him play Bartok on his violin could attest).
• Obsessive interest or concern with subjects such as world history, rock collecting or plane schedules (or possibly - PROM????????? Does being obsessed with the prom count? Oh, my God, I have Asperger's syndrome! I totally have Asperger's!!!! But wait. If I have it, so does Lilly. Because she is obsessed with Jangbu Pinasa. And Boris is obsessed with
his violin. And Tina with romance novels. And Michael with his band. Oh, my GOD!!!!!!!! We ALL have Asperger's syndrome!!!!!!!! This is terrible. I wonder if Principal Gupta knows???????? Wait . . . what if AEHS is a special Asperger's syndrome school? And none of us know it? Until now, that is ... I am going to bust the whole thing wide open! Like Woodward and Bernstein! Mia Thermopolis, forging a path for Asperger's sufferers everywhere!).
• Obsessive concern or attention to parts of objects rather than the whole (I don't know what this means, but it sounds
like ME!!!!!!!!).
• Repetitive behaviours, generally self-injurious in nature (BORIS!!!!!!! Dropping globes on his head!!!!!!!!! But wait,
he only did that once . . .).
Symptoms not included in Asperger's:
• No indication of language retardation (duh. We are all excellent talkers) or of retardation in typical age-appropriate curiosity (seriously. I mean, Lilly got to second base already and she is only in the ninth grade).
First identified in 1944 as 'Autistic Psychopathy' by Hans Asperger, the cause of this disorder is still unknown. Asperger's syndrome may possibly be related to autism. There is no known cure for Asperger's at this time, and indeed, some case subjects do not consider the disorder an impairment at all. To eliminate other causes, physical, emotional and mental evaluations are usually administered to suspected cases of Asperger's.
Lilly, Michael, Boris, Tina and I ALL need to take these tests!!!!! Oh, my God, we've had Asperger's all along and never knew!!!! I wonder if Mr. Wheeton knows, and that's why he assigned me this condition!!!!! This is spooky . . .
Tuesday, May 6, the Loft
I just went into my mother's bedroom (Mr G is on an emergency run to Grand Union to secure more Haagen-Dazs for her)
and demanded to know the truth about my mental health status.
'Mother,' I said. Am I, or am I not, a sufferer of Asperger's syndrome?'
My mom was trying to watch a bunch of episodes of Charmed she'd taped. She says Charmed is actually a very feminist show because it portrays young women who fight evil without the help of males, but I notice that a) they often fight while wearing halter tops, and b) my mother takes a special interest in the episodes where men take their shirts off.
But whatever. In any case, her reply to me was way cranky.
'For God's sake, Mia,' she said. Are you doing another report for Health and Safety?'
'Yes,' I said. And it is clear to me that you have been hiding from everyone the fact that I am a sufferer of Asperger's
syndrome, and that, in fact, you send me to a special school for Asperger's sufferers. And the lying has got to stop now!'
She just looked at me and went, Are you seriously trying to tell me that you don't remember last month, when you were convinced you had Tourette's syndrome?'
I protested that this was totally different. Tourette's is a disorder characterized by multiple motor and vocal tics that begin prior to the age of eighteen, and at the time we were studying it in class, my constant use of words such as 'like' and 'totally' seemed totally characteristic of the disease.
Is it my fault that generally the tics are accompanied by involuntary bodily movements, from which I apparently don't suffer?
'Are you trying to say,' I demanded, 'that I don't have Asperger's syndrome?'
'Mia,' my mother said. 'There is nothing wrong with you. You are one hundred per cent Asperger's syndrome-free.
I couldn't believe this, however, after everything I'd read.
'Are you SURE?' I asked. 'What about Lilly?'
My mom snorted. 'Well. I wouldn't go so far as to say that Lilly is normal. But I highly doubt she is suffering from Asperger's.'
Damn! I wish she were. Lilly, I mean. Because then I might be able to forgive her. For calling me weak, I mean.
But as she has no disease, there is no excuse for the way she's treated me.
I have to admit, I'm a little sad I don't have Asperger's. Because now my obsession with the prom is just that: my obsession with the prom. And not a symptom of a disease over which I have no control.
Just my luck!
Wednesday, May 7, 3:30 a.m.
I realize now what I am going to have to do. I mean, I think I knew it all along, and I was just blocking it. Which isn't surprising, considering that every fibre of my being is crying out against it.
But really, what choice do I have? Michael himself even said it: he'd go to the prom if the guys from his band were going too.
Oh, God, I can't believe it has come to this. My life really IS going down the toilet if this is the low to which I am forced to stoop.
I'll never be able to get to sleep now. I just know it. I am too filled with dread.
The Atom
The Official Student-Run Newspaper of Albert Einstein High School
Take Pride in the AEHS Lions
Week of May 12
Volume 456/Issue 28
Notice to all Students:
As we enter final exams in the next few weeks, school administrators would like us to review the
AEHS mission statement and beliefs:
Mission Statement
It is Albert Einstein High School's mission to provide students with learning experiences that are technologically relevant, globally orientated and personally challenging.
Beliefs:
1. The school must provide a diverse curriculum that includes a strong academic programme enhanced by numerous electives.
2. A well-supported and diverse extra-curricular programme is an essential supplement to the academic programme in helping students explore a wide range of interests and abilities.
3. Students must be encouraged to develop
responsible behaviour and accountability for their actions.
4. Tolerance and understanding of different cultures and viewpoints must be encouraged at all times.
5. Cheating or plagiarism will not be condoned in any form, and can lead to suspension or expulsion.
The administration would like the student body to be aware that in the coming exam period, it intends to enforce point 5 with vigilance. Forewarned is forearmed.
Incident at Les Hautes Manger
by Mia Thermopolis
Having been asked by this paper to provide an account of what occurred last week at the restaurant Les Hautes Manger, at which this reporter was present, it must be noted that the entire thing was the fault of this reporter's grandmother, who smuggled her dog into the restaurant. The said dog's ill-timed break for freedom caused busboy Jangbu Pinasa to drop a soup-laden tray on to the Dowager Princess of Genovia's person. The consequent dismissal of Jangbu Pinasa was both unfair and possibly unconstitutional. Though this reporter isn't sure, due to her lack of familiarity with said constitution. It is this reporter's feeling that Mr. Pinasa should be given his job back.
Editorial
While it is not the policy of this paper to print anonymous submissions, the following poem so neatly sums up what so many
of us are feeling at this time of year that we decided to run it anyway. - Ed.
Spring Fever
By Anonymous
Sneaking away during lunch -
Taco salad, the kind with the meat in it, and the Green Goddess dressing. God, why do they do that to us?
We find that Central Park beckons - Green grass and daffodils pushing their way out from underneath
a blanket of cigarette butts and crumpled soda can
s. So we make a run for it - Did they see us? I don't
think so.
Can we get In-School suspension for a first offence? I guess anything is possible. Let's sit on the bench and try to get a tan ... Only to find, to our dismay, that we've left our sunglasses back in our lockers.
Please note: It is the policy of this administration to suspend any and all students who leave campus during school hours for WHATEVER REASON. Spring Fever is not an acceptable excuse for violating this school policy.
Student Injured by Globe
by Melanie Greenbaum
An AEHS student suffered an in-class injury yesterday due to a large globe that fell, or was dropped on his head. If it was
the latter, this reporter feels it necessary to ask: where was the adult supervision at the time said globe was dropped? And if it was the former, why is this administration allowing dangerous objects such as globes to be placed at heights from which they might fall and cause injury to our students? This reporter demands a thorough investigation.
Letters to the Editor:
To Whom it May Concern: The amount of malaise evidenced by the student body of this establishment is a personal embarrassment to me and a disgrace to our generation. While the students of Albert Einstein High School sit around, planning their Senior Prom and whining about their finals, people in Tibet are DYING. Yes, DYING. Clashes continue between the rebels and the Chinese military, making it impossible for many Tibetans to make even a meagre living.
But what is our government doing to help the people of Tibet? Nothing more than advising tourists to stay away. People, the Tibetans make their living from tourists who come to climb the Himalayas. Please do not listen to our government's warnings
to avoid Tibet. Encourage your parents to allow you to vacation there this summer - you'll be glad you did.
Lilly Moscovitz
AEHS Food Court Menu
compiled by Mia Thermopolis
Monday
Spicy Chix
Meatball Sub
Fr. Bread Pizza
Potato Bar
Fish Fingers
Tuesday
Nachos Deluxe
Indiv. Pizza
Chicken Patite
Soup & Sand.
Tuna in Pita
Wednesday
Italian Beef
Deli Bar
Burrito
Taco Salad Bar
Corndog/Pickle
Thursday
Fish Stix
Pasta Bar
Chicken Pharm.
Asian Bar
Corn/FF
Friday
Soft Pretzel
Buffalo Bites
Grilled Cheese
Bean Bar
Curly Fries
Take out your own personal ad!
Available to AEHS students at 50 cents/line
Happy Ad
Shop at Ho's Deli for all your school supply needs!
New this week: PAPER, BINDER CLIPS, TAPE.
Also Yu-Gi-Oh cards, Slimfast
For Sale:
One Fender precision bass, baby-blue, never been played.
With amp, how-to videos. Best Offer. Locker No. 345
Looking for Love:
Female frosh, loves romance/ reading, wants older boy who enjoys same.
Must be taller than 5'8", no mean people, non-smokers only,
musician preferred. NO METAL-HEADS, nice hands a must.
Email: [email protected]
Happy Ad
Personal to from BP to LM -I'm sorry for what I did, but I want you to know that I still love you.
PLEASE meet me by my locker after school today and allow me to express my devotion to you.
Lilly, you are my muse. Without you, the music is gone. Please don't let our love die this way.
Happy Ad
From CF to GD: YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Ad
JR, I am SO excited about the prom, I can't STAND it, we are going to have SO MUCH FUN.
I feel SO SORRY for the rejects who aren't going to the prom. Isn't that just too bad for them?
They'll be sitting around at home while you and I are DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY!
I love you SOOOOOOOO much. LW
Happy Ad
LW - Right back atcha, babe -JR
Wednesday, May 7, Algebra
Well, I did it. I can't say it went over very well - in fact, it did not go over AT ALL well. But I did it. No one can say
I didn't do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to try to get my boyfriend to take me to his prom.
Oh, God, but WHY did it have to be LANA WEINBERGER???? WHY???? I mean, ANYBODY else -Melanie Greenbaum, even. But no. It had to be Lana. I had to grovel to LANA WEINBERGER.
Oh, God, my skin is still crawling.
She was so not receptive to my offer, either. You would have thought I was asking her to strip naked and sing the school
song in the middle of lunch (no, wait - Lana probably wouldn't mind doing that).
I got to class early, because I know Lana usually likes to get there before the second bell to make a few calls on her mobile. There she was, all right, the only person in the room, yakking away to someone named Sandy about her prom dress - she
really did get a black ofF-one-shoulder one with a butterfly hem from Nicole Miller (I so hate her). Anyway, I went up to her - which I think was VERY brave of me considering every time I fall under Lana's radar she makes some catty personal remark about my physical appearance. But whatever. I just stood there next to her desk while she yammered into the phone, until she finally realized I wasn't going away. Then she went, 'Hold on a minute, will you, Sandy? There's a ... person who wants something.' Then she held the phone away from her face, looked up at me with those big baby blues of hers, and went, 'WHAT?'
'Lana,' I said. I swear, I have sat next to the Emperor of Japan, OK? I once shook the hand of Prince William. I even stood next to Imelda Marcos in line for the Ladies' Room at The Producers. But none of those events ever made me as nervous as Lana does with a mere glance. Because of course Lana has made tormenting me a special personal hobby of hers. That kind
of terror runs deeper than the fear of meeting emperors or princes or dictators' wives.
'Lana,' I said again, trying to get my voice to stop shaking. 'I need to ask you something.'
'No,' Lana said, and got back on to her mobile.
'I haven't even asked you yet,' I cried.
'Well, the answer is still no,' Lana said, tossing around her shiny blonde hair. 'Now, where was I? Oh yes, so I am fully
getting body-glitter and putting it on my - no, not there, Sandy! You are so bad.'
'It's just . . .' I had to talk fast because, of course, there was a strong chance Michael was going to stop by the Algebra classroom on his way to AP English, as he does almost every day. I did not want him to know what I was up to. '. . . I know you're on the Prom Committee, and I really think this year's senior class deserves live music at their prom, and not just a DJ. That's why I was thinking you should ask Skinner Box to play.'
Lana went, 'Hold on, Sandy. That person still hasn't gone away.' Then she looked at me from between her thickly mascaraed eyelashes and went, 'Skinner Box? You mean that band of geeks who played that stupid princess-of-my-heart song to you
on your birthday?'
I said, taking umbrage, 'Excuse me, Lana, but you shouldn't speak so disparagingly of geeks. If it were not for geeks, we