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55% of Americans believe that they have a guardian angel.
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THIS JUST IN! “Photos from doomed airliner found in ocean”
THE STORY: On an evening news broadcast in June 2009, Bolivian television station PAT reported that it had obtained exclusive images of the final moments of Air France Flight 447, which had crashed into the Atlantic just days earlier on its way from Brazil to Paris, killing all 228 people on board. Taken from inside the main cabin, the photos show a passenger hurtling to his death through a gaping hole in the fuselage. The images, explained the newscaster, were recovered from a digital camera that was found among the floating wreckage. By tracing its serial number, PAT had determined that the camera belonged to a children’s author named Paulo G. Muller.
NEVER MIND: As the story spread to news outlets all over the world, questions began flooding the station: “Why is it daytime in the photos, when the plane crashed at night?” “Who is Paulo G. Muller?” “Why does one woman in the photo look like Kate from Lost?” A brief investigation ensued, and the “photos” were indeed found to be two still shots from the ABC series Lost (about the survivors of a plane crash). It wasn’t clear how the photos had made their way onto TV, but the station had unwittingly fallen victim to a hoax—and an old one. Three years earlier, after a midair collision between a Boeing 737 and a business jet over the Amazon, a Brazilian blogger named Carlos Cardoso had posted the pictures along with a story about how the camera’s memory card had been found in the jungle. He’d made it all up, including the bit about the children’s author (who didn’t even exist). Cardoso did it to prove a point: “People don’t apply enough skepticism when it comes to viewing things on the Internet.”
HOW DO YOU SPELL “BANGKOK”?
The proper name of Thailand’s capital city has many variations. This is believed to be the official one, coming in at 163 letters: Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmah
intarayutthayamahadilokphopnopparatrajathaniburi
romudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavata
rnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit
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Nothing special? Between 2000 and 2005, 1,022 American baby girls were named Unique.
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THE WORLD’S
GONE CRAZY 2000
Remember back on January 1, 2000, when a computer programming error turned the world into a backwoods wasteland of financial ruin?
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE…EVENTUALLY!
In 1958 a computer programmer named Bob Bemer noticed a potentially catastrophic problem: The punch cards that were currently in use for programming only allotted two digits to represent the year, so it showed up as “58” rather than “1958.” Bemer was concerned that in the year 2000, as the numbers rolled over from “99” to “00,” computers either wouldn’t know how to handle double zeros, or they’d interpret it as the year 1900…and erase all of the data because it “hadn’t happened yet.” Even after Bemer lobbied his fellow programmers, IBM, and the U.S. government, none of them seemed too concerned about it. Surely by the year 2000, they figured, computers would be so advanced that the two-digit system would be replaced, wouldn’t it?
Not really. Saving space in long streams of computing code is important, so the two-digit system remained the standard for the next four decades. In fact, nobody really brought up the looming “millennium bug,” “century date change,” “faulty date logic,” or “Y2K” (short for “year 2000”) until the mid-1980s.
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, HAL
In his 1984 book Computers in Crisis, Jerome Murray foretold of a world that will come to a screeching halt. Because nearly every aspect of life was computer-controlled, Murray argued, all of those systems would shut down on January 1, 2000. Power grids would fail. Air navigation systems would crash, and so would airplanes. And all digital records—including the world’s most sensitive financial information—would be deleted.
After that, each subsequent year that loomed closer to Y2K brought even more dire predictions and tips to survive. For example, Y2K Family Survival Guide was a popular home video hosted by Mr. Spock himself, sci-fi icon Leonard Nimoy. He warned: “Elevators may stop, heat may vanish. Water delivery systems may not deliver water for cooking, drinking, and bathing.” Nimoy also warned that hospitals would be nonoperational, pharmacies would be locked down and unable to distribute vital medications, and nuclear power plants could stop working…or worse. They could all suffer core meltdowns.
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Cosmetic damage: Nearly 500,000 car accidents a year are caused by female drivers applying makeup.
* * *
EVERYBODY PANIC!
The worldwide frenzy kicked in full force around mid-1998. Books such as Time Bomb 2000 and Deadline Y2K flew off the shelves while news analysts worried that the world’s governments would enact global martial law in order to stop the anarchy that was sure to commence when the computers all stopped working.
The United States Congress didn’t want it to ever get to that point. “We’re no longer at a place of asking whether or not there will be any power disruptions,” said Sen. Chris Dodd, “but we are now forced to ask how severe the disruptions are going to be.” So in late 1998, Congress passed the Year 2000 Information and Readiness Disclosure Act, which oversaw both the public and private sectors in getting all the computers to be compliant. Suddenly, millions of programmers got to work updating millions of computer systems. In the U.S. alone, more than $300 billion was spent to add in those precious two digits.
Meanwhile, the Clinton administration conducted preparation drills in 27 major cities for any “national-security special event,” such as a terrorist attack or coup attempt. In fact, a CNN poll revealed that about two-thirds of Americans believed terrorists would attack the country on or around New Year’s Eve.
As 1999 scrolled toward its inevitable end, canned foods were purchased by the caseload. Sales of guns, generators, and bottled water spiked. Insurance companies sold millions of “Y2K policies.” All that was left to do was hope for the best…and be prepared for the worst.
THE END OF THE END OF THE WORLD
At the stroke of midnight on January 1, 2000, the world waited with bated breath to see what would happen. And as you no doubt remember, nothing much happened. The lights stayed on, planes didn’t fall out of the sky, and bank records stayed intact.
* * *
Contestants on Australia’s I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! were charged with animal cruelty for killing and eating a rat on the show.
* * *
What’s interesting is that the countries that scrambled to be “Y2K compliant” (primarily the U.S. and Britain) endured about the same amount of glitches as the countries that did next to nothing to update their software, such as Italy and South Korea. And the glitches that did occur were relatively minor:
• Radiation monitoring equipment in Japan briefly failed, setting off an alarm at a nuclear power plant.
• A Japanese telecommunications carrier discovered a few date errors in its network, but services remained online and the problem was fixed in less than three hours.
• Bus ticketing machines stopped working in two Australian states.
• The IRS accidentally sent out a few tax bills for the year 1900.
• Ten percent of computerized cash registers in Greece printed receipts with the year 1900.
• A hydroelectric facility in Kazakhstan had to revert to manual operation for a few days.
• 150 slot machines in Delaware stopped working.
• The U.S. Naval Observatory, which runs the clock that keeps the nation’s official time, didn’t have problems. But its Web site did: A programming error resulted in the date being listed as January 1, 19100. The same thing happened to the Web site of France’s weather service and on AT&T’s site.
• A computer registering the first “millennium baby” born in Denmark incorrectly listed the baby as 100 years old.
> IT WASN’T A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME
The threat of the world plunging back into a new Dark Ages, and the hysteria that surrounded it, were over. But there was one positive result of what the Wall Street Journal called “the hoax of the century.” New York City established redundant, secondary computer networks to ensure that subways, phones, and banks would run in case of a Y2K shutdown. These networks remained online, and during the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, lower Manhattan’s computer systems—most notably, those belonging to the financial institutions—did not crash, thus preventing what could have been a worldwide financial collapse.
“HEY Y’ALL,
WATCH THIS!”
Just a reminder: Think twice before showing off.
URINE TROUBLE NOW
On the way home from a party in April 2009, a 21-year-old Minnesota man needed to relieve himself, so he asked his friend, who was driving, to pull over on a bridge. While the man was on the ledge peeing, he kept pretending to lose his balance. “Oh, no, here I go!” he shouted. And then he fell for real…onto jagged rocks 30 feet below. He was seriously injured, but survived.
KIND OF?
To show off to his friends in September 2007, a man in Portland, Oregon, put his Eastern diamondback rattlesnake’s head into his mouth…and it bit him. He barely survived. “It’s actually kind of my own stupid fault,” he said.
NOT MICHAEL PHELPS
During a summer 2009 flood in Chattanooga, Tennessee, a 46-year-old man was standing near a raging culvert of water. Wearing only a pair of shorts, he bet his friends $5 that he could swim across the culvert. No one took the bet. He jumped in anyway. His body was found five days later, a mile and a half away. “It was an ego thing,” said his cousin.
COME ON BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE
In 2008 a 33-year-old Swedish man was at a party and wanted to prove to his girlfriend how tough he was. So he poured gasoline on his arm and lit it on fire. By the time paramedics arrived, the man had severe burns to his upper body and was in a state of shock. In addition to his injuries, he was cited for reckless endangerment. A befuddled police spokesman said, “Don’t ask me what the point of the trick was supposed to be.”
* * *
In 2008 French President Nicolas Sarkozy sued the makers of a Sarkozy doll with voodoo pins.
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EYEBALL BLING
We decked out Uncle John with all of these new, innovative fashion accessories, and—well, he got a lot of funny looks. (Try it on your favorite friend or relative.)
EYE-CATCHING JEWELRY
You may have thought that there was jewelry for every possible body part: fingers, wrists, neck, toes, ankles, ears, lips, bellybutton—but now you can wear jewelry on your eyeballs, too. Dutch designer Eric Klarenbeek has come out with a line of contact lenses that have thin metal wires attached to the center of the lenses. The wires hang down and can be adorned with the jewels of your choice. So you can walk around with a short string of diamonds hanging from each eyeball (or, if you’re really chic, just one). “People who have worn my eye jewelry are amazed at its comfort,” Klarenbeek says. “You can’t feel the wire dangling, it doesn’t affect your sight, and the lens moves along gently with your eyeball.” Asked what would happen if someone were to tug on the wire connected to a contact lens, Klarenbeek said he was quite sure that it would not cause your eyeball to fall out. They cost about $300 per lens.
LEFT-HANDED UNDERPANTS
When it comes to men’s underwear, left-handers have always been at a disadvantage. The vertical opening at the front of most briefs and boxers, which allows men to do their business without dropping their drawers, is made with right-handed people in mind. Watch a lefty try to take a simple tinkle while wearing right-handed underpants and you’ll think he’s been drinking, or perhaps he’s missing several fingers. British underwear company Hom has come out with a new design—drawers with a horizontal rather than vertical opening, making it just as easy for a lefty to open as a righty. “In our view,” said one retailer, “this is a vital step toward equality for left-handed men.”
NICE CUP IN BRA
Ladies, if you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “I wish I had a bra that could be easily converted into a 1.5-meter putting green,” wish no more. British lingerie maker Triumph has introduced the Nice Cup in Bra (it was made for the Japanese market). When it’s worn, it’s a functional, green, corsetlike bra. But when you get the urge to putt a few golf balls, just take the bra off, unroll it—and it becomes a putting green. The bra’s cups become holes at the end of the green. It even has pockets for extra balls and tees, and if you sink a putt, a recorded voice says, “Nice shot!” But there’s more—the Nice Cup in Bra also comes with a miniskirt printed with the words “Be quiet” that can be converted into a flag to hush the crowd while you’re concentrating.
* * *
The U.S. military has designed an “indestructible” sandwich. It can stay fresh for up to three years.
* * *
WINKING PANTS
Do you want to be able to wink at people behind you while you’re walking down the street…without turning around? Well, thankfully, some enterprising clothes designers in Everett, Washington, have invented “Winkers,” pants that have eyes painted on the butt, just under the crease, so that as you walk, the eyes seem to open and close. So you “wink” as you walk. Winkers cost between $140 and $160.
THE VENDING MACHINE SKIRT
Let’s say you’re walking down the sidewalk dressed in an ordinary skirt and—Here come the bad guys! And they’re chasing you! Run! Hide! Too bad you weren’t wearing this special piece of clothing: the Vending Machine Skirt, by Tokyo designer Aya Tsukioka. It looks like a normal skirt, but when you need to become invisible, it quickly unfolds into a large, rectangular piece of cloth that looks like a soda vending machine. Just hold it in front of you and hide behind it, the idea goes, and you’ll blend into the scenery. “Vending machines are on every corner of Japanese streets, and we take it for granted,” says Tsukiokais. “That’s how I came up with the idea for this dress.”
“Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are.”
—Quentin Crisp
* * *
Per capita, it is safer to live in New York City than it is to live in Pine Bluff, Arkansas.
* * *
PLANTS GONE CRAZY
The more we find out about plants, the more we fear them.
PLANTIMAL
The New Scientist reported in 2008 that biologist Mary Rumpho of the University of Maine discovered a species of sea slug that is an animal…and a plant. The primary thing that distinguishes plants from animals is that plants use photosynthesis— they convert sunlight into energy needed for survival, while animals have to eat plants or other animals to get energy. But Elysia chlorotica, an inch-long, leaf-shaped, gelatinous mollusk that lives in shallow ocean waters along the Atlantic coast, is an animal that does both. It eats algae—a plant—and then incorporates genes from the algae into its own DNA. Then it utilizes those genes to create chlorophyll, the pigment that plants use to perform photosynthesis. A baby sea slug, Rumpho found, eats algae for just the first two weeks of its life, and lives off sunlight for the remainder of its lifespan, making it the first multicellular animal-plant hybrid known to science.
RAT-IVORE
Researchers on the Philippine island of Palawan reported in August 2009 that they’d discovered a new—and gruesome—species of carnivorous plant. It’s a type of “pitcher plant,” a group of plants that grow deep, pitcher-shaped traps filled with sticky liquid. Insects are lured to the pitchers by sight or smell, fall into them, and become trapped in the liquid. Acidlike enzymes then slowly dissolve the captured bugs, and the plant absorbs nutrients from them. The plant on Palawan works the same, but its cone-shaped pitchers are huge—more than a foot deep and seven inches diameter at the opening, and they can trap and eat not only insects but even small mammals such as rats. “It is remarkable,” le
ad researcher Stewart McPherson said, “that it remained undiscovered until the 21st century.” The researchers named the rat-eating plant Nepenthes attenboroughii—a tribute to 83-year-old wildlife broadcaster Sir David Attenborough, who commented, “I’m absolutely flattered.”
* * *
As much as 70% of the microwaves emitted from mobile phones are absorbed by your head.
* * *
FABRICATED MEMOIRS
Coming next fall: The memoirs of Uncle John, in which he describes his colorful past—training elephants in Antarctica, flying biplanes for the Secret Service, and negotiating a peace treaty between the Klingons and Crutons on Uranus. Who cares if it’s not all true? It should make for great bathroom reading!
MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO
Most successful memoirs are written by people who are already famous—that’s why their books sell well—and while the stories might sometimes stretch the truth a bit, you can be reasonably certain that they’re mostly accurate. But in recent years, a new type of book has infiltrated the publishing industry: totally made-up memoirs written by authors known to almost no one, who become famous only because their books become famous. Probably the best-known example is A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. For years he tried to sell a story of drug abuse, crime, and redemption as a novel, but no publisher was interested in it. In 2003 he finally got publishing powerhouse Doubleday to release it—as a memoir—and it became a national sensation, selling millions of copies. Frey’s rise and subsequent fall on The Oprah Winfrey Show is fairly well known, but there have been several other fake memoirs with far more fantastic claims than Frey’s. Here are a few of the most outrageous “memoirists.”
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Page 13