ADULT TOY. Obviously, Mattel couldn’t make a magic broomstick that actually flies. But their Nimbus 2000 (modeled on Harry Potter’s flying broomstick) should have been fine for kids playing make-believe, who would just put the foot-long toy between their legs and run around, pretending they were flying. The problem was that Mattel installed a battery that made the broomstick “simulate movement”…by vibrating. To recap: That’s a foot-long toy meant to be stuck between the legs that vibrates. The product was quickly discontinued.
* * *
Scorpions can survive being frozen solid for as long as three weeks.
* * *
HAIRY TOY. You Can Shave the Baby, a doll available only in Japan, is a baby with some unfortunate hair growth. Topped with a huge helmet of orange hair, the baby also sports hair “suspenders,” hairy ankles, and a nest of orange pubic hair that’s so overgrown that it looks like a diaper. Kids are supposed to have “fun” giving the baby a much-needed shave. (No word on whether the hair ever grows back.)
GROSS TOY. The placenta is the organ that develops inside a woman’s uterus during pregnancy which nourishes the growing fetus. After childbirth it’s expelled, and normally it’s disposed of. But British designer Alex Green turns placentas into teddy bears. The skin of the five-inch tall toy is a placenta that’s been treated until it turns into a soft leather, then stuffed with brown rice. “Of course, a lot of people feel it’s grotesque,” said Green.
UNSETTLING TOY. The German company Playmobil makes hundreds of different miniature play sets depicting everyday life, jobs, and fantasies, from suburban living rooms to hospitals to pirate ships. One of their weirder ones is the HAZMAT Disposal set. It consists of two action figures dressed head to toe in protective suits and helmets, along with large industrial vacuums, some “WARNING” signs…and a leaking plastic drum of toxic waste.
SEXY TOY. Introduced in the U.K. in 2006, the Peekaboo Pole Dance was a collapsible, child-size stripper pole. It came complete with a CD of “stripping music,” a lacy garter, and a wad of play money. It was banned almost immediately.
ACTUAL WEB SITES DEDICATED TO HATING STUFF
• ihatecilantro.com
• ihatestarbucks.com
• ihatetomcruise.com
• ihatebankofamerica.com
• ihatemycurls.com
• ihateclowns.com
• ihatepickles.com
• ihatehighschoolmusical.com
• ihatethebeatles.com
• ihatedentists.com
* * *
The U.S. Congress is one of the few workplaces in the U.S. where it’s still legal to smoke indoors.
* * *
EXPLODING HEAD
SYNDROME
Here’s a look at some of the more unusual mental conditions we’ve come across lately. (Uncle John has complained about having Exploding Head Syndrome more than once. The doctor says it’s all in his head.)
The Cotard Delusion. In this condition, the sufferer perceives that he or she is dead, nonexistent, rotting away, or missing internal organs. The condition may be the result of a disconnect between two different parts of the brain: the part that recognizes faces and the part that responds emotionally to such recognition. When sufferers look at their reflection in the mirror and feel no emotional response or sense of self, the theory goes, they interpret this to mean that they are dead. The delusion is believed to be similar to one called the Capgras Delusion, in which the sufferer believes a loved one has been replaced by an identical-looking imposter.
Mirrored Self-Misidentification. This is another self-perception disorder. When you look in the mirror, do you see yourself looking back at you? If so, you can check this mental illness off your “What’s wrong with me?” list. People suffering from Mirrored Self-Misidentification believe they see someone else staring back at them. In severe cases, the sufferer may even believe that the “other” person is following them around. Like the Cotard Delusion, Capgras Delusion, Reduplicative Paramnesia (see next page), and similar disorders, Mirrored Self-Misidentification is often experienced as a monothematic delusion—it’s the only delusion the person suffers from. They perceive the world normally…except for the person in the mirror who keeps following them around.
Exploding Head Syndrome. This condition causes the sufferer to “hear” a loud noise going off as they drop off to sleep, or when they wake up in the middle of the night. To the sufferer, the sound—which has been described as similar to a firecracker going off, a gun being fired, or an electrical short circuit—seems to be coming from inside his or her own head. While Exploding Head Syndrome can be quite startling—some sufferers believe they are having a stroke or hearing actual gunfire—the condition is usually painless and always harmless. And since the sound is imagined, not real, it doesn’t damage hearing. The cause is unknown.
* * *
Patients with anarchic hand syndrome believe that one of their hands has a will of its own.
* * *
Reduplicative Paramnesia. This delusion makes the sufferer believe that he or she is in a location that’s the exact duplicate of another. Patients may also think that they have been moved from the original location to the duplicate site. The condition is often associated with strokes, hemorrhaging, and other injuries to the front or right side of the brain. People being treated for such an injury may believe that they have been moved from one hospital to an identical one in a different city, and that the attending physicians and nurses work in both facilities.
Allochiria. Touch your left arm with your right hand. Did you perceive the sensation on your left arm? If you suffered from Allochiria, you would have perceived the touch on your right arm. That’s the sensory form of the disorder, which was named after the Greek term for “other hand.” Allochiria also comes in an auditory form, in which the sufferer believes that sounds he or she hears are coming from the opposite direction of where they actually originated. There’s also a visual form, where patients perceive objects that are to their left as being toward their right, and vice versa. When asked to make a drawing of a scene in front of them, some sufferers will draw a mirror image of what’s actually there. The condition is often associated with damage to the right parietal lobe of the brain.
TERMINATOR 4: GROUNDHOG DAY
In 2009 the animal-rights group PETA urged Punxsutawney Phil’s keepers to replace the famous groundhog with a robot groundhog. PETA charged that Phil is cruelly kept in a cage all year and then subjected to bright lights and big crowds every February 2nd in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where he “predicts” how much longer winter will last. The groundhog’s keepers scoffed at the idea: “He’s treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.”
* * *
In Iowa it’s against the law for one-armed piano players to charge for their performances.
* * *
DO IT YOURSELF
If you ever find yourself in need of a handheld weapon that shines a bright light into the eyes of your enemies and makes them puke—and you can’t find one at the local hardware store—this article is for you.
LOCKED AND LOADED
Background: Bruce Simpson is a consultant to companies that manufacture jet engines and the publisher of a popular technology Web site in Auckland, New Zealand. In 2003 he started writing about how easy it would be for a terrorist to build a cruise missile—one that can hit a target that’s hundreds or even thousands of miles away—from inexpensive parts bought over the Internet. When Simpson felt that this information wasn’t receiving enough attention from authorities, he decided to teach them a lesson.
Do It Yourself: Simpson started building a cruise missile in his garage. He tracked his progress via video, which he posted on his Web site. This time there was no shortage of attention—the project made headlines all over the world. Simpson claims that while he was building the missile, he got offers from buyers in Iran, Pakistan, and China to purchase the technology. In December 2003, when the missile was nearly complete, the
New Zealand government ordered him to stop working on the project. Simpson said he had no plans to build more cruise missiles, but that he thought he’d “made his point.” He added that he’d given the missile to a friend “for safekeeping.”
Cost to Build: About $5,000.
OFF THE DEEP END
Background: In 2007 Tao Xiangli, a 34-year-old electronics-store employee in Beijing, China, decided that he wanted to build a submarine.
Do It Yourself: On September 3, 2009, Tao, who has only a fifth-grade education, led a group of reporters to a reservoir outside of Beijing—and showed them his homemade submarine. The 20-foot-long submersible was made out of five oil drums connected end to end, with an entrance/exit turret, complete with a proper hatch on top, made from a partial drum rising from the submarine’s rear. The sub is powered by two electric motors connected to two propellers. A pressurized air system lets water in and forces it out of the bottom of the sub, allowing it to dive or rise to the surface, and it even has a periscope made from a digital camera. “I made it bit by bit,” Tao told the reporters, “purely out of my imagination.” To prove that it worked, he jumped into the sub, shut the hatch, and disappeared under the reservoir’s surface. Four and a half minutes later, the sub resurfaced, the hatch popped open, and out came Tao, flashing the “V for victory” sign. What are his plans for the sub? “I made it not for a patent,” he said, “but so that a talent scout can discover me.”
* * *
About 5.5 million American children are currently taking at least one psychiatric medication.
* * *
Cost to Build: About $4,400.
SAY CHEESE, WORLD
Background: In 2009 Justin Lee and Oliver Yeh, students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, decided to build a camera-equipped airship that could reach a high enough altitude to take photos of the Earth like spaceships do—showing the curvature of the planet, the thin layer of atmosphere, and the blackness of space above.
Do It Yourself: Lee and Yeh hooked up a styrofoam beer cooler to a helium weather balloon. Inside the cooler was a $30 digital camera (with the lens sticking out), set to take photos every five seconds. They also stuffed the cooler with a couple of Coleman disposable hand warmers to keep the camera batteries from freezing in the high altitude. And they added a GPS-equipped cell phone so that they could (hopefully) find the cooler when it fell back to Earth. On September 2, 2009, at 11:45 a.m., Lee and Yeh launched their camera. Five hours later, it was cruising at an altitude of 93,000 feet—almost 18 miles—when the balloon popped. The cooler fell for 40 minutes before it landed. The GPS system worked, and the duo found the cooler about 20 miles from the launch site. Soon after, their spectacular photos of the planet were shown on news programs all over the world. (If you want to see the photos and learn how to build your own space camera, do an Internet search for “Project Icarus.”)
Cost to Build: About $150.
* * *
Foul fowl: When presented with the opportunity, pigeons will eat human vomit.
* * *
BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CHUNKS
Background: In 2007 Intelligent Optical Systems, a company in Torrance, California, was awarded an $800,000 contract by the Department of Homeland Security to develop an “LED Incapacitator,” or, as the company called it, a “Dazzler.” What’s that? It’s a nonlethal weapon that looks like a flashlight and emits rapidly changing wavelengths of very bright light, causing whoever it’s pointed at to experience headaches, nausea, and even vomiting. That same year, an electronics geek named “Lady Ada” attended a conference where she saw a demonstration of the Dazzler.
Do It Yourself: When Lady Ada got home, she did some research, found the patent for the Dazzler technology, figured out how it worked, and decided to make one herself. And she was pretty sure she could do it for less than $800,000. She could, and she did. We can’t explain how it works—it involves a lot of resistors and circuit boards and ohms and amps—but we can tell you that all of the complicated electronics in the “Bedazzler,” as Lady Ada calls it, are housed in an extra-large $40 flashlight from Sears. And, as she informs her readers: “This project does indeed cause nausea, dizziness, headache, flashblindness, eye pain and (occasional) vomiting. So don’t use it on your friends or pets.”
Cost to Build: About $250.
THA WRLDZ GON TXTY
A California teenager named Crystal Wiski bragged to Sacramento’s KCRA News that she sent and received nearly a third of a million text messages in April 2009 (303,398, to be exact). Crystal’s mom (who has an unlimited texting plan) told the news station that her daughter was still able to work 40 hours per week at her job and maintain straight A’s. An amazing feat, considering Crystal must have had to send and receive an average of 420 texts every hour of every day for the entire month. (No word on the length or brevity of the texts. We’re guessing a lot consisted of “lol” and “thx bff!”) Her explanation: “I’m popular. I can’t help it.”
* * *
In Hong Kong, a wife may legally kill her adulterous husband (but only with her bare hands).
* * *
HAPPY NOTHING DAY!
And other weird—but real—“holidays.”
Jan. 3: Remember You Die Day
Jan. 16: Nothing Day
Feb. 4: Liberace Day
Feb. 11: Pro Sports Wives Day
Feb. 13: Blame Someone Else Day
Feb. 28: International Sword Swallowers Day
Mar. 3: What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day
Mar. 14: International Fanny Pack Day
Mar. 21: Corn Dog Day
Mar. 24: National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day and American Diabetes Association Alert Day
Apr. 11: Baby Massage Day
Apr. 19: National Hanging Out Day
Apr. 26: Hug an Australian Day
May 13: Root Canal Appreciation Day
May 25: Nerd Pride Day
June 22: Stupid Guy Think Day
June 26: Ugly Dog Day
July 2: I Forgot Day
July 13: Gruntled Workers Day
July 31: National Talk in an Elevator Day
Aug. 10: S’mores Day
Aug. 28: Crackers Over the Keyboard Day
Sept. 15: Felt Hat Day
Sept. 22: Hobbit Day
Sept. 24: Punctuation Day
Oct. 1: Fire Pup Day
Oct. 14: International Top Spinning Day
Oct. 30: International Bandanna Day
Nov. 2: Cookie Monster Day
Nov. 15: National Bundt Pan Day
Nov. 19: Have a Bad Day Day
Nov. 30: Stay Home Because You’re Well Day
Dec. 26: National Whiners Day
* * *
Frozen Dead Guy Days and The Emma Crawford Coffin Race are both unofficial Colorado holidays.
* * *
THE GREAT BEYOND
Three strange stories about death.
ADEAD RINGER. Ademir Jorge Goncalves shocked his loved ones when he showed up, very much alive, to his own funeral in 2009. The 59-year-old Brazilian bricklayer had spent a night drinking with friends at a truck stop—and didn’t know he was “dead” until his funeral had already begun. During the night, he’d been misidentified as the victim of a car crash. And, in keeping with Brazilian tradition, the body was buried the next day. “People are afraid to look for very long when they identify bodies,” police explained regarding the badly disfigured corpse. A niece added: “My two uncles and I had doubts about the identification. But my aunt and four of Ademir’s friends said it was him.” The crash victim was later correctly identified and buried by his own family.
AT LEAST THEY NEVER ARGUE. When Le Van’s wife died in 2003, the 55-year-old Vietnamese man was so heartbroken that he took to sleeping on her grave. After a year and a half, he decided to dig a tunnel so he could get closer to her. But that still wasn’t close enough, so Van dug up his wife’s desiccated corpse, filled it out with clay to make her look more life
like, and put her in his bed so he could sleep beside her. Five years later, she was still there, and both Van and his son hugged her every night before going to sleep. Local authorities found out about the morbid arrangement and told Van to rebury her, citing sanitation laws. Sadly, he agreed. “I’m not like normal people,” admitted Van.
’TIL DEATH DO US PART. James and Lolie Brackin had been happily married for 59 years. On the morning of December 12, 2009, they were sitting together in their Florida nursing home watching television when Lolie matter-of-factly told an aide, “I’m going to die today.” The aide returned to her a short while later and found that Lolie had stopped breathing. Moments later, James, 79, also died of natural causes. “They didn’t like to go anywhere alone,” their daughter said.
* * *
For $2,600, Cremation Solutions will sell you a life-size “Personal Urn” shaped like your own head.
* * *
GHOSTOLOGY, PART II
Now that you’ve read the ghostology primer on page 97, you may want to start seeking out your own spirit activity…or at least figure out why your car keys keep showing up in places where you know you didn’t leave them.
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Page 20