Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy
Page 43
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On September 11, 2002, New York’s winning lottery numbers were 9-1-1.
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THE RECESSION IN BRIEF
Retail sales plummeted in 2009. Among the hardest-hit items: men’s underwear. Apparently, say retailers, the less underwear they sell, the worse the financial prognosis. Men just don’t seem to replace their boxers and briefs when times are tight. (Uncle John can confirm this.)
VIRTUAL RELIEF
• In Tokyo, workers suffering from financial frustration can head to “The Venting Place” in a busy shopping district. For a small fee, customers can smash china cups and plates against a concrete block.
• Are you tired of seeing phrases like “rising unemployment,” “growing foreclosures,” and “increasingly cash-strapped”? There’s a Web site called Recession Blocker that automatically filters out those kinds of phrases from news articles so you don’t have to keep reading them over and over.
• There’s another Web site called Shoot the Banker. People who are angry with their banker can fire a robotic paintball gun that shoots real paintballs at a live actor playing the role of a wealthy, arrogant bank owner.
TWO WEEKS’ NOTICE
In September 2008, Alan Fishman was appointed CEO of Washington Mutual bank and received a $7.5 million “signing bonus.” Just 17 days later, the bank collapsed and was temporarily taken over by government regulatory bodies. Fishman was no longer needed, but his contract with WaMu guaranteed him $11.6 million for a premature exit. So, for just over two weeks on the job, Fishman netted $19.1 million.
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John Wheeler coined the term “black hole” in 1967, two years before the first black hole was discovered.
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A BODY OF CASH
Need some extra cash? You could get a second job or sell off your CD collection. Or you could try selling something a bit more…biological. Sound yucky? Don’t let that put you off—it’s a serious business.
BLOOD BANKS. Technically, it’s illegal to sell blood. You’re actually selling “plasma”—the yellowish base of blood that transports nutrients to your body’s cells. Blood banks collect plasma from donors (18 million people donated in 2008) and then sell it to hospitals, which use it for transfusions. So how do you go about selling your blood? Find a blood bank (they’re often in the seedier part of town, or near a college), and pass the screening. Drug users are excluded, as is anyone who’s gotten a tattoo in the past year—it’s a hepatitis risk. Blood banks also don’t accept anyone with a communicable disease (for obvious reasons) or major health problems. You’ll relax on a reclining chair while a medical technician sticks a needle in your arm. Thirty minutes later, you’ll be one fluid bag of plasma poorer, but about $30 (and a glass of juice) richer.
SPERM BANKS. They may elicit chuckles, but sperm banks are a very important part of helping women or couples conceive children when they are not otherwise physically able to do so. And it’s a $75-million-a-year industry. Sperm banks and fertility clinics don’t accept just anybody—donors have to be pretty impressive guys for strangers to want to use their chromosomes. Standards vary, but most facilities want men who are healthy, have a relatively clean family medical history, are at least 5′10″ tall, and are college-educated. Average payout: around $100 per “donation.”
EGG BANKS. Eggs are harvested from a woman’s ovaries and are used to conceive a child by combining them with donated sperm, then implanting one in the mother-to-be’s uterus. The most sought-after donors are women between the ages of 18 and 32 who are in generally good health and have a clean family medical history. The donor takes daily hormone-booster shots for a month. Then, at a clinic, she’s sedated and 10–15 eggs are extracted via a large needle. It’s a much more physically taxing process than sperm donation, so the payout is much larger: as much as $10,000.
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In 1987 Peoria, IL, paid a PR firm $60,000 to help counter its image as America’s most average city.
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THE JACKSON 7
Michael Jackson had 7 letters in both his first and last names. Born in 1958 (19 + 58 = 77), he was his parents’ 7th child. His two biggest hits stayed at #1 for 7 weeks. His three biggest albums each produced 7 top 40 hits. He signed his will on 7/7/02. Exactly 7 years later his memorial was held on 7/7/09. Here are 7 more strange stories surrounding the death of the King of Pop.
1EERIE PREDICTION. In January 2009, the National
Enquirer ran this headline: “MICHAEL JACKSON IS
DYING, HAS ONLY SIX MONTHS TO LIVE, PALS FEAR.” According to the story, Jackson was battling a rare genetic disorder that required him to undergo a lung transplant in order to save his life, but his health was further deteriorating because of an addiction to painkillers and alcohol. A source close to Jackson said at the time, “It’s tragic. His condition is just so far gone, I’d be surprised if he lasts six months.” (He lasted five months.)
2. BUG ZAPPERS. According to the family’s lawyer, Brian Oxman, Jackson was terrified in spring 2009 that “people would kill him to somehow try to take control of the Beatles back catalogue.” Jackson owned a share of the $1 billion publishing rights to the inventory of Beatles’ songs. Just four days before his death, Jackson reportedly told a close friend, “I’m better off dead. I don’t have anywhere left to turn. I’m done.”
3. A THRILLER OF A CONSPIRACY. Shortly after Jackson’s death in 2009, his older sister, LaToya, claimed that Michael was murdered: “Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people who didn’t have his best interest at heart.” A month later, the L.A. County Coroner ruled the death a homicide, caused by a lethal combination of drugs. Police focused their investigation on one of those people in Jackson’s inner circle, his physician, Dr. Conrad Murray…who had allegedly administered Propofol, a powerful anesthetic, to Jackson shortly before his death. (Was MJ’s death a murder? Stay tuned to a future Bathroom Reader to find out.)
4. VIRTUAL CONFUSION. Jackson’s sudden end sent shock waves across cyberspace: Only seconds after his death was announced, traffic doubled on the microblogging site Twitter, temporarily shutting it down. Google’s search engine was similarly inundated, causing the service to issue an error message when users entered Jackson’s name. (Google’s computers interpreted the surge as an attack from hackers.) The confusion led many to believe the news was a hoax. After gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote, “Jackson is lying or making himself sick,” several mainstream news sites reported that. Some actual hoaxers used the confusion as an opportunity to spread rumors about other celebrity deaths, including a claim that actor Jeff Goldblum was killed in a fall while filming a movie in New Zealand. (He wasn’t.)
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In the 48 hours after Michael Jackson died, cable news outlets devoted 93% of their air time to covering the story.
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5. BAD LEGISLATION. A few days after Jackson died, U.S. Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) proposed a nonbinding resolution that honored the King of Pop’s contributions “to the world on behalf of America.” At Jackson’s memorial, Lee held up a copy of the resolution and promised it would be debated on the House floor. However, when she arrived in Congress the following week, the resolution was met by jeers on both sides of the aisle, including Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who said that the bill would “open up contrary views that are not necessary at this time.” (In other words, Jackson’s highly publicized legal problems would have made it controversial.) Undaunted, Lee promised, “We will work with this legislation as long as necessary.” It was never passed.
6. THE NOSE KNOWS. For years, fans have wondered if Jackson’s nose was his own—or was it a prosthetic? That question may have been answered when it was reported that someone had stolen the artificial appendage while Jackson’s body lay in a Los Angeles morgue, leaving behind, according to press reports, “a small, dark hole surrounded by bits of cartilage” in the deceased singer’s surgically altered face. Police have yet to find
the nose.
7. SPACE ODDITY. There were hundreds of tributes to the fallen singer in summer 2009, but here’s one that never came to be: The Iowa State Fair had originally planned to feature a butter sculpture of Jackson performing his signature “Moonwalk” dance. The idea was nixed after 65% of 100,000 voters rejected it in an online poll. The butter sculpture was replaced with one commemorating astronaut Neil Armstrong’s actual moon walk.
CRIMINALLY ODD
Featuring a reincarnated cat, a crook with image issues, a getaway driver who couldn’t drive, and heroic tobacco juice.
KIDNAPPED!
In April 2009, James Williams’s mother received some startling text messages on her cell phone: “we have ur son”; “pay $250 or we kill him”; “wire $ to the walmart in milwaukee”; “dont call cops.” She did call the cops, and when they traced the calls, they found Williams, 23, a few miles away in Kenosha, Wisconsin. He was sitting in his mother’s van—alone—feverishly texting more ransom messages to her. James was arrested and sentenced to 60 days in jail and one year’s probation.
BURNED!
Sharon Shelton, 66, the second ex-wife of Gerald Shelton of Madison, North Carolina, sent a cryptic letter to Gerald’s third ex-wife: “If you want to get even with him, burn the house down.” Ex-wife #3 turned the letter over to the police, so Sharon decided to do it herself: In October 2009, she broke into Gerald’s house, poured gasoline on his coffee table, lit it up, and ran away. Luckily, Gerald had a large, plastic spittoon on the coffee table—and the heat melted it, causing tobacco juice to spill out and extinguish the fire. Sharon was charged with attempted arson.
INCARCERATED!
In 2009 Peter Koenig, a convicted bank robber serving five years in a German prison, went to court for the right to receive visits…from his cat, Gisele. Koenig, a practicing Buddhist, believes Gisele is the reincarnation of his mother. “I know it is mummy,” he told the British newspaper The Telegraph. “She looks after me just the way she did. I need to see her like other prisoners see their wives and children.” The request was refused. “While we respect the religious freedom of individuals,” the judge said, “the accused has not been able to furnish proof that his deceased mother has been reborn in a cat.” (The judge added that Koenig could always just write letters to the cat.)
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A company called Drink Safe Texas sells bar coasters that test drinks for date-rape drugs.
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DISARMED!
Four men from Essex, England, robbed a jewelry store in September 2009. They ran outside and jumped into a waiting car driven by their friend, 18-year-old John Smith. One problem: Smith has no arms below his elbows, so his fellow crooks had to help him steer and change gears. They made it 30 miles before they lost control of the car and crashed. All four were arrested. Said Smith’s mother, “Because of his naïveté, he did not fully accept that by sitting in the car he was actually involved in the burglary.”
BURGLED!
A man broke into a home in Woodbridge, New Jersey, in May 2009, and left not only richer but better looking and with fresh breath, too. In addition to $500 in cash, the crook took some Life Savers candies but left behind the razor he had shaved with (and some whiskers in the sink). He also left behind a pair of smelly black socks. Police are still looking for the man.
BOOKED!
When Paul Baldwin was arrested for assault in New Hampshire in 2009, he didn’t have to be told where to go or what to do at the Portsmouth police station—he knew the drill. Why? He’d been booked there 152 times before on various charges including felony theft, lewdness, arson, and shoplifting. At his trial, Baldwin told the judge that he didn’t need a lawyer because, “I’ve been in this courtroom more than you have.” (He went to jail.)
ESCAPED!
In 1987 Phillip Arnold Paul murdered an elderly woman because he believed she was a witch. He claimed that voices in his head made him do it, and was acquitted by reason of insanity and then locked up in Eastern State Mental Hospital in Washington. He tried to escape once, but was quickly captured. Other than being a flight risk, Paul was considered a “model patient.” So one day in 2009, staff decided to include him in their annual supervised field trip to the Spokane County Interstate Fair. Not surprisingly, Paul escaped. “It’s outrageous that security was so inept that a guy who’s officially regarded as criminally insane was able to just slip away from the group,” said state Rep. Matt Shea of Spokane Valley. At last report, Paul’s whereabouts were still unknown.
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Less than 10% of Americans tell pollsters they are “very dissatisfied” with their jobs.
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DEADLY FLORIDA
Good thing it’s pretty in the Sunshine State. At least the view will be nice as you try to outrun all of these dangerous things.
AFRAID OF LIGHTNING?
Then don’t go to Florida. A study conducted from 2004 to 2007 by the American Meteorological Society found that people are more likely to get struck by lightning in Florida than anywhere else in North America. The state averages 35 lightning injuries and seven fatalities per year, and “Lightning Alley,” a hot spot that spans central Florida from Tampa to Titusville, receives an average of 50 strikes per square mile per year. And right in the middle of Lightning Alley: Disney World. Even with lightning rods strategically placed throughout the park, a quick-moving storm in 2003 caught animal handlers by surprise at Disney’s Kilimanjaro Safaris attraction. Before they could move the animals to safety, a lightning bolt killed a 12-foot-tall giraffe named Betsy. Also located in Lightning Alley: Universal Studios, SeaWorld, Daytona Beach, and NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, where they launch spaceships.
AFRAID OF ALLIGATORS?
Then don’t go to Florida. Although the Florida Wildlife Department insists that alligator attacks are rare and seldom fatal, incidents are on the rise. Protected by law, the alligator population has grown from 300,000 in 1967 to nearly two million today. And more and more, those gators are colliding with humans encroaching on their natural habitat. Result: a drastic increase in fatal attacks (three people were killed by gators in one week alone in 2006). Because there are no plans to reinstitute alligator-hunting and few plans to curb development, we’re likely to see more deadly gator encounters in the years to come.
AFRAID OF SHARKS?
Then don’t go to Florida. Just a short drive from Disney World is New Smyrna Beach, the shark-bite capital of the world. According to the 2008 International Shark Attack File, 32 of the 59 unprovoked shark attacks worldwide occurred in Florida—and New Smyrna Beach accounted for 21 of them. Most attacks occur at Ponce de Leon Inlet, where two rivers meet before emptying into the Atlantic Ocean. The confluence creates a smorgasbord for sharks looking for an easy meal: murky water from tidal flushing loaded with plenty of baitfish. The inlet also has some of the best and most consistent surf on the East Coast and, consequently, lots of surfers. In 2008, 57% of New Smyrna’s shark victims were attacked while surfing.
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16 of the top 20 U.S. cities most often hit by hurricanes are located in Florida.
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AFRAID OF CROSSING THE STREET?
Then don’t go to Florida. A 2008 study by Surface Transportation Policy Partnership found that four of the top five most dangerous U.S. cities for pedestrians are in Florida. The national average for pedestrian deaths is 11.8% of all traffic deaths, but Florida topped out at 16.9%. America’s most dangerous city for pedestrians: Orlando.
AFRAID OF RIDING A BICYCLE?
Then don’t go to Florida. It’s also the most dangerous U.S. state for cyclists, with 113 fatalities in 2008. (That’s more than the #2 state, California, which has nearly twice as many people.) Why so dangerous? A lack of adequate bicycle lanes is one reason, but most Floridians agree that many drivers there just don’t like bike riders. According to Scott Gross, manager of Open Road Bicycles in Avondale, Florida: “People are very nice to cyclists in other parts of the world, but around he
re they just want you off the road.”
AMUSED BY DUMB CROOKS?
Then, by all means, go to Florida. Though it ranks in the top 15 states for assault, burglary, robbery, homicide, and car theft, some of our favorite dumb-crook stories come from the Sunshine State. Like this one: In 2009 a man burst into a home in Riverview, Florida, forced the residents into a bathroom, and proceeded to steal prescription drugs, cash, and some electronics. Fortunately, the man was easy to identify. When the victims were called into the police station to look at suspect photos, they pointed at one and said, “That’s him!” How did they know? Because on the 19-year-old robber’s left cheek was a large tattoo of the state of Florida.
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In 2005 Officer Chris Legere gave speeding tickets to twins: same day, same car, separate incidents.
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NEWS FROM THE
THROWN ROOM
Sometimes you’re so mad, you just want to throw something…like a waffle. Or a plate of food. Or a jellyfish.
Thrower: Keith Edward Marriott
Thrown: Several jellyfish