DO YOU FEEL A DRAFT?
Johanna L., a 78-year-old retiree, checked into the HochfrankenKlinik in Münchberg, Germany, in March 2008 to have knee surgery. But when she woke up in the recovery room, her knee hadn’t been operated on…and she felt a strange breeze blowing up the back of her gown. She called a nurse, who informed Johanna that she had been given an artificial anus. Apparently, there was a records mix-up: The patient who was suffering from severe incontinence got knee surgery; Johanna got that patient’s new anus. She sued the hospital, and the doctors were suspended.
SMILE—YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA
In 2008 at a hospital in the Philippines, officials were forced to apologize to a 39-year-old patient. Why? Because after he checked in to have a “canister of perfume” removed from his colon (no report on how it got there), the medical team assigned to remove it decided to film the procedure—and then uploaded it onto the Internet. The film, which featured doctors and nurses laughing around the patient’s unconscious body and cheering when they finally extracted the canister, became a hit. A hospital spokesperson later said that cameras and cell phones had been banned from operating rooms, and added that while it was acceptable at a teaching hospital to allow young doctors and nurses to watch an operation, it had been “a violation of ethical standards” for them to spray the perfume at the end.
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Little blue pill: Some Viagra users have reported blue-tinted vision.
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HE TALKS TOO MUCH
Eighty-year-old Tom Talks of Rochdale, England, was walking his dog in July 2008 when he tripped and broke his ankle. Doctors at Fairfield General Hospital put his leg in a plaster cast and sent him home. But the cast was too tight. “Every day for a week, I begged them to release the pressure,” said Talks. “It felt like my leg was trying to burst out of its skin.” They refused to loosen the cast…until Talks collapsed in agony. That convinced them to examine him…and they discovered an infection so severe that part of his leg had to be amputated. Afterward, Talks suffered a heart attack and developed kidney problems. His grandson, Karl Sanderson, said, “This is the 21st century—we should not be in a situation where someone might die because they fracture their ankle!” At last report, Talks’s family had filed a formal complaint with the hospital.
BRAINLESS SURGEONS
In the span of a few months in 2007, neurosurgeons at Rhode Island Hospital made a rash of unusual—and similar—errors: They operated on the wrong side of patients’ brains three different times. Two of the patients barely survived; one died a few weeks later. Rhode Island’s Department of Health fined the hospital $50,000 and assured the public, “We are extremely concerned about this continuing pattern.” The state ordered the hospital to develop a checklist to remind the brain surgeons to verify that they’re cutting in the right place before they start cutting.
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In 2006 Toys for Tots turned down a donation of talking Jesus dolls, but later changed their minds.
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DARK COMICS
Comic books and superhero stories like The Dark Knight and Watchmen have taken the genre through some unusual twists and turns. Here are a few that were even more twisted.
Superman: At Earth’s End (1995)
This comic book is set about 500 years in the future, after humanity has been all but destroyed by an apocalyptic disaster. Superman is still around, but he’s a very old, mentally ill, homeless person with a long white beard. The U.S. is now run by the DNA Diktators, twin clones of Adolf Hitler who want to exterminate what’s left of the human race and start over with a “master race.” So they send out evil Batman clones and flying robots to find and kill any remaining humans. Superman tracks down the Hitler twins, kills them, retrieves Batman’s corpse from the cloning lab, and then sets it—and himself—on fire.
Spider-Man: Reign (2006)
Now 60 years old, Spider-Man (or Peter Parker) is retired from crimefighting and works as a florist. He’s not doing too well—he vomits, hallucinates, and cries a lot, all signs of inconsolable grief. Why the grief? Because the love of his life, Mary Jane, died of cancer after a mysterious, prolonged exposure to radiation. Only he knows the truth: Because he was bitten by a radioactive spider as a young man—which gave him his spidey-superpowers—his bodily fluids constantly emitted radiation. Then he married Mary Jane and, after years of doing what married people do, his own super body gave Mary Jane cancer…and killed her.
Civil War (2007)
After the Incredible Hulk flies into a rage and kills 28 people one day in Las Vegas, the government passes the Superhuman Registration Act, requiring superheroes to check in with the government and divulge their true identities. The superhero community splits into two camps on the issue. The anti-registration contingent is led by Captain America, who is executed for treason by the pro-registration side, led by Iron Man, who hires an army of supervillains to hunt down noncompliant superheroes. Dozens of Marvel Comics characters get involved in this satire of the paranoia and ratcheted-up security measures in the U.S. since 9/11, the Patriot Act, and the Abu Ghraib scandal.
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55% of all deaths caused by firearms in the United States are suicides.
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The Punisher Meets Archie (1994)
The Punisher, who made his debut in the 1970s, is one of the darkest superheroes in comic-book history—a vigilante who avenges the deaths of his family (who accidentally witnessed a mob hit) by torturing and brutally murdering any criminal he can get his hands on. Meanwhile, Archie is the squeaky-clean “all-American teenager” who hasn’t changed much since his introduction in the 1940s. In this comic, the Punisher is looking for Red, a drug kingpin who’s hiding out, posing as a gym teacher in Archie’s high school…and who also happens to look exactly like Archie. After a series of mistaken-identity gags involving Archie and his friends, the Punisher gets ahold of Red (and nobody dies).
The Ultimates (2003)
In this update of the ’60s superhero team the Avengers, the main characters are Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, fraternal-twin superheroes (male and female, respectively). But this brother and sister are bound not just by their family ties or common special powers; they’re also…romantically involved. The Ultimates is believed to be the first incestuous-twin superhero comic book. And why the attraction? Quicksilver says he’s drawn to Scarlet Witch because she “reminds him of his mother.” (Eww!)
MORE BACON-RELATED PRODUCTS
• bacon-flavored lollipops
• bacon-flavored breath mints
• bacon air freshener
• bacon ice cream
• bacon tape
• bacon bandages
• bacon-infused personal lubricant
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About 1% of the static on a TV tuned between stations is a relic of the Big Bang.
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THE YEAR OF
LIVING FESTIVELY
Want to have the most fun year of your life? If you’ve got the time, the money, and a spirit of adventure, we’ve found 12 of the world’s most bizarre festivals, gatherings, and sporting events for you to attend.
JANUARY: Camel Wrestling Championship, Turkey
Description: You’re standing among a crowd of thousands of cheering fans. The main event begins when two elaborately saddled bull camels are walked to the center of a dirt field. Then, to get them in the mood, a lavishly decorated female is paraded in front of them. The animals’ nostrils flare, their saliva froths, and the little bells on their humps jingle as they trip, push, and sit on each other in a battle for dominance. A winner is declared when one of the animals falls down or runs away. But more often than not, the camels just stand there. Or they both run away. Or their handlers become so worried that their prized animal will get injured that they pull it from the competition.
History: This pastime has been a tradition throughout Turkey for centuries, but is now limited mostly to the region bordering the Aegean Sea. The a
nnual championship takes place in Selçuk every winter during camel mating season.
Don’t miss: The owners trash-talking each other during the pre-fight camel parades through the city. But watch out for saliva and urine—anyone within 10 feet of a camel is at risk of getting hit with one of these projectiles.
FEBRUARY: Ivrea Carnevale, Italy
Description: Your next stop is the largest food fight in Italy, held annually in the town of Ivrea a few days before Lent. You and about 10,000 other “rebels” are divided into nine “combat teams.” Then you run through the streets throwing oranges at each other and at hundreds of “aristocrats,” who defend themselves from chariots and balconies. By the end of the battle, the peels and pulp blanket the town’s streets in a foot-deep layer of orange goop.
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The small town of Las Nieves, Spain, is home to the annual Fiesta of Near Death Experiences.
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History: According to legend, a 12th-century maiden named Violetta fought back against the tyrannical ruler Count Ranieri when he tried to clain the “right” of the local duke to sleep with every new bride on her wedding night. In the struggle, Violetta decapitated him. Upon hearing the news that the hated tyrant was dead, the townspeople stormed the castle and threw rocks at the guards. Afterward, an event was held annually to reenact the rebellion—some participants played the castle guards, others played the rebels, and they all ran around and threw beans at each other. In the 19th century, imported oranges became the preferred weapons.
Don’t miss: Not only is participation free, so is the food. Locals serve regional specialties such as fagioli grassi (beans boiled with sausages and pork rinds), cod with polenta, pastries, and Italian wines.
MARCH: Hokitika Wildfoods Festival, New Zealand
Description: Ever eaten fried lamb testicles? You and about 15,000 other tourists can sample that and other “gourmet” foods at this feast provided by Hokitika’s “Coasters” (people who live on the thinly populated west coast of New Zealand’s South Island). The menu is different every year; past feasts have featured grasshopper bruschetta, smoked eel, “huhu grubs” served on toothpicks, and, for dessert, wasp larvae ice cream followed by mealworm Jell-O shots. What will they serve next year? It could be just about anything.
History: During New Zealand’s 1860s gold rush, the Coasters learned to make do with whatever protein-rich foods they could find. In 1990, to celebrate the 125th birthday of the town of Hokitika, a winemaker named Claire Bryant came up with the idea of a festival that honors the diverse local fare.
Don’t miss: The gorgeous sunsets, live music…and mimes.
APRIL: Beltane Fire Festival, Scotland
Description: Every April 30, also known as the Eve of May, thousands of people gather near Calton Hill above Edinburgh and wait for the sun to go down. As it does, a fire is lit that will provide the spark for the dozens of ritualistic fires to follow. Then there’s a procession—an actor dressed as the “May Queen” emerges from the ground, and hundreds of performers march together as thousands of drums beat in unison. The May Queen is brought to her King, the “Green Man.” As darkness falls, more players perform dramatic reenactments of the lives of ancient gods and goddesses. It all culminates with a giant bonfire, and everyone dances the night away.
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The transgender mayor of Silverton, Oregon, was chastised in 2009 for wearing a miniskirt to a youth-group event.
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History: Although this particular festival—the largest of its kind in the world—is only about 30 years old, the Gaelic festival of “Beltane” dates back thousands of years, as farmers celebrated the end of winter by lighting bonfires to honor the fertility of the land. In the late 1980s, a group of musicians formed the Beltane Fire Society, a nonprofit organization that puts the festival on every year.
Don’t miss: A chance to participate as one of the performers. Contact the Society a few months ahead of time to join in.
MAY: Mike the Headless Chicken Days, Colorado
Description: The town of Fruita celebrates its most famous historical figure, Mike the Headless Chicken, with an annual weekend of fun and chicken. First there’s a lawnmower race, followed by fried chicken. Then a classic car show, followed by chicken tenders. There’s also a chicken dance, followed by more chicken.
History: As longtime Bathroom Reader fans may know, Mike the Chicken’s neck went under farmer Lloyd Olsen’s axe in 1945. Miraculously, the rooster lived for 18 months after his head was chopped off (he still had a brain stem, and his keepers fed him by dropping liquefied food down his neck). Mike became famous and toured the U.S. and abroad as a star attraction. “Mike’s will to live remains an inspiration,” it says on his official Web site. “It’s a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you’ve lost your mind.” Mike died in 1947.
Don’t miss: The “Run Like a Headless Chicken 5K Race.”
JUNE: Toe Wrestling Championships, England
Description: Each June, competitors assemble in Staffordshire to lock big toes and try to force their opponent’s foot off of a custom-made podium known as a “toesrack.” If you think you can go toe-to-toe with one of the sport’s superstars, such as Alan “Nasty” Nash or Paul “Tominator” Beech, it’s free to join the competition. All you need are clean feet and strong ankles.
History: Toe wrestling was invented in the 1970s by a group of bored pubbers at Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn in Wetton, Derbyshire. Today it’s an internationally recognized sport, attracting big-name sponsors such as Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream.
Don’t miss: Also in June and just a few hours’ drive away is the annual Summer Solstice Festival at Stonehenge, a celebration that’s much larger and, in many ways, weirder—but features little, if any, toe wrestling.
JULY: Boryeong Mud Festival, South Korea
Description: At this festival, you can frolic in the mud with more than 1.5 million revelers in the coastal city of Boryeong. The six-day celebration attracts as many foreigners as locals, making it not only the largest festival in Korea, but also one of the biggest in the world. Enter the Mud King contest, enjoy a mud massage, ride on a mud slide into a giant tub of mud, and when you’re done, take a mud shower.
History: This festival was founded in 1998 to take advantage of the town’s unusually silty soil. Because it isn’t suitable for agriculture, marketing-savvy civic leaders concocted a plan to push the mud’s beauty benefits. With high concentrations of germanium and other minerals, Boryeong mud is said to be great for the skin and hair.
Don’t miss: The opportunity to take some of Boryeong home with you in the form of mud soap, mudpacks, and mud cosmetics for sale at the festival.
AUGUST: Burning Man, Nevada
Description: Each year during the week before Labor Day, nearly 50,000 people gather in the Black Rock Desert, a flat tract of fine sand 80 miles north of Reno. But don’t expect to be able to buy supplies there; the only things for sale at Burning Man are coffee and bags of ice, both available at what’s known as “Center Camp.” Everything else—food, water, fuel, tents—you have to bring yourself. You’ll also need some very sturdy tent poles to keep your homestead secure during one of the inevitable dust storms and wind gusts that often blow over 50 mph. And during the day, the temperature regularly tops 100°F; at night, it can drop down to the 30s. Why put yourself through all of that? To see mechanical fire-breathing dragons lurch by on hydraulic legs, or take a ride on a life-size clipper ship sailing over the sand, or just get to know the thousands of artists, performers, and ordinary people who make Burning Man an annual pilgrimage. Plus there are 24-hour dance parties, live music from all over the world, a Thunderdome (just like the one from Mad Max), and the ceremonial burning of the 40-foot-tall Man on Saturday night.
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Montana hosts six different “Testicle Festivals” each year. Participants dine on bull testicles.
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History: In 1986 two friends from San Franci
sco, Larry Harvey and Jerry James, went to a nearby beach and built an 8-foot-tall wooden man—and a wooden dog—and burned them. Inspired by the crowd that had gathered to watch their “spontaneous act of radical self-expression,” they did it again the following year. More people came. The next year, even more people came. Finally, it got too big for the beach. After a long search, in 1991 the organizers moved the event to the Black Rock Desert.
Don’t miss: The chance to take part in Burning Man’s “gifting society.” Bring extra trinkets and supplies to give away to other attendees.
SEPTEMBER: Sputnikfest, Wisconsin
Description: Enjoy the fried cheese, cold beer, and friendly people dressed as big-eyed aliens, and see local celebrities get soaked in the “Splashdown” dunk tank.
History: Around 5:30 in the morning on September 5, 1962, hundreds of early risers in northern Wisonsin reported a spectacular sight: dozens of bright, burning objects streaking throught the clear dawn sky. Around the same time, two patrolmen in the town of Manitowoc noticed a strange object in the middle of a street: a 20-pound chunk of metal that had embedded itself in the pavement. They went to remove it—but it was too hot to touch. It turned out to be a piece of Sputnik IV, a Russian satellite that had gone off course shortly after it was launched two years earlier, and had finally disintegrated in the skies over Wisconsin. In 2008 the town decided to turn the odd incident into a reason for a celebration—and Sputnikfest was born.
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Page 50