by Con Template
I swallowed tightly, smirking dryly to myself when I remembered that fateful night when I was crying in front of the fridge, pathetically bingeing on my pizza after a hard day of being bullied in high school. On that agonizing night, I ruminated about all the horrible things that had occurred in my life. I wondered to myself why God wouldn’t answer my prayers.
“I kept praying until one night, I realized that he does not exist. That was why he didn’t hear me.” Hopelessness cloaked over the tears that I refused to shed. God was no longer worthy of my tears. “Or if he does exist, then he doesn’t exist for me because for over ten years, I called out to him in the darkest hours of my life.” I directed my attention to Father Baek. “Ten years, Father. In a world where people have renounced his presence, defiled his name, and cursed his existence, I stayed faithful to him. All I asked for was clemency, for him to help me be a better person and for him to show me mercy.” Hatred sifted into my eyes. “How can a God like that exist, Father? How can he create me to be this flawed when he has no intentions of being there for me when I pray to him? How can he give me this life when he won’t even help guide me through it?”
“The Lord works in mysterious ways,” Father Baek finally replied, pain prominent in his own voice. He gazed into my eyes, his pure intentions radiating out like the rays of the sun. “And I know that this is not the answer you would like to hear. You’ve probably heard this so many times before, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Prayers are never ignored; he always answers them. It’s just that sometimes—”
“The answer is no?” I interjected with a scoff.
“Sometimes it cannot be answered yet,” he amended, truly believing that.
“The Lord cannot answer me,” I responded, staring at him with desperation, “but you can.”
I had already made my peace with God’s rejection of me. If a God could be so cruel as to ignore the prayers of a child and allow all these horrible things to happen to me, then I no longer considered him my God.
“Please, Father,” I pleaded. The candles around us continued to flicker in the silence. My disappointment in God would not cloud my true purpose here. “This house was a big purchase for us. As soon as I walked in, I knew there was something wrong. If you could tell us more, it would really help me. I cannot stay in that house unless I feel like I’ve learned everything there is to learn about it. If we can understand more about the family, then maybe we can make an informed decision on what we need to do.” I drew in a shaky breath, my eyes begging him to give me something that God had never given me: clemency. “I know that you hardly know us, but we’re desperate for answers.”
Squeak.
I could hear soft footsteps, and I knew that Eclipse had found us. Walking down the aisle, he took a seat in the pew in front of us and turned to face us.
“Please, Father,” he implored quietly. I didn’t doubt that Eclipse heard everything I said to Father Baek about my relationship with God—or lack thereof. There was a fleeting spark of understanding in his eyes when he glanced at me before he averted his full attention to Father Baek.
“We need your help,” he continued, setting the second part of this interrogation into motion. “Either we move out of that house or we stay. It would be easier for both of us if we got the answers we need. Only from there can we make a decision that we won’t have any regrets for.” He looked at me. “Or resent the other for.”
I had to hand it to him. Using our “marriage” and the possible strain it could put on our relationship was a brilliant move. Eclipse may not be human, but he knew which human emotions to exploit. Father Baek’s kindhearted purity was no match for our callousness.
Silence dwelled over him.
Father Baek divided his glances between us. As though fighting the dilemma inside himself, he peered at the altar. It was long seconds later that he parted his lips and then uttered words that we had been dying to hear all night.
“What do you want to know?”
Eclipse and I breathed a sigh of relief. We had come too far, and if he hadn’t agreed at that moment, then we would’ve had to use the force that we never wanted to impart on him. Thank God. Thank the God-who-will-never-answer-us that it didn’t come to that. I liked Father Baek. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.
“What was the little girl like?” Eclipse inquired at once. His voice echoed across the cathedral as lightning flashed in the background, lighting up the stained glass behind him.
“A little ball of sunshine,” Father Baek answered painfully, his eyes dim. He smiled at the reminder of the little girl, and I felt my own heart warm. He may not know who I was now, but he still remembered the younger version of me—just like I remembered snippets of him. “Grace always lit up any room she walked into. She was always smiling and always laughing. There was this godly presence to her—”
“Angelic,” Eclipse provided, knowing exactly what he meant.
“A picture of innocence,” Father Baek concurred. “If you were to envision what the grace of God would look like, she would be the personification of that.”
Eclipse nodded in understanding and then asked, “What was the family like?”
“Grace is the youngest of three children.” A look of ache spread over his face. It was too painfully obvious that he loved my siblings. “Faith was the eldest daughter.”
The rhythm of my heart slowed at the mention of my older sister.
Faith.
Faith Hwang.
An image of her sweet birthday note flashed across my mind before I forcefully pushed it aside. Don’t be distracted tonight, I reminded myself. There were more important things to be concerned about than a dead sister.
“At fifteen, she was full of smiles. She volunteered to help others and was always so respectful. And then there was Christian . . .” Warm laughter elicited from him at the mention of my brother. “Christian was a bit harder to take care of. Even at the age of thirteen, he was incredibly rambunctious. He was definitely a troublemaker, but he had a truly kind heart.” His visage brightened at the thought of the three siblings together. “Together, the three Hwang children were always the ones who lit up the room whenever they walked in.” He pointed at the pew across from us. “They would always sit there. Faith would always tie up Grace’s hair in little pigtails and Christian would always hold his baby sister in his arms whenever she was too tired to walk. They loved each other immensely—even an outsider could see that bond.”
Sensing the quietness that had overtaken me, Eclipse steered the conversation along to the last ones I was with that fateful night. The last ones I killed.
“What about the parents?”
Father Baek’s eyes glistened. Sorrow pulsed in his voice when he spoke about them. “They were wonderful parents. They genuinely loved their children. Whenever they came to church, you would see so much happiness from that family. They argued, they bickered, and they’d get into fights like everyone else, but there was always that bond . . . and that bond was forged by Sang and Susi.”
I felt my heart still.
Sang and Susi—my parents.
My body trembled. There was no guilt within my soul, yet it felt like my body experienced the guilt and regret. My parents . . . the family they worked so hard to create . . . In one single night, I stole everything from them.
Father Baek regarded us, his eyes teeming with grief.
“I know the popular questions are, ‘what did that family do to her? Did they harm her? They must’ve been horrible if a little girl could be that disturbed. They must’ve been an awful family for something this horrific to happen.’ The truth is that they did nothing to deserve any of this. No one could mistake the love in Grace’s eyes whenever she looked at them. There was always this sparkle in her eyes—”
“Like she knew that she had been blessed,” I instinctively finished for him, finally speaking up after being silent for so long.
Father Baek turned to me, his eyes meeting mine. Then, he parted hi
s lips and said something that changed the entire course of the conversation.
“Your whole family loved and adored you, Grace.”
I froze, absolutely thunderstruck.
What . . . what did he just call me?
I glimpsed at Eclipse to make sure that I heard right. When I saw the surprised look on Eclipse’s face, I knew that I wasn’t hearing things. Father Baek truly called me Grace.
I faced Father Baek in a panic. I was desperate to keep my cover. “I’m sorry, you’ve mistaken—”
“I was there during your birth, Grace,” he told me softly, silencing me with the conviction in his voice. “I was there with you until the age of six. I may be old, but that doesn’t mean I’m forgetful or that I’m not attentive.”
My thoughts churned. I smirked faintly when it all came together for me. My mistake was underestimating Father Baek. It seemed that Eclipse and I weren’t the only tricksters in this church.
“You knew it was me all along.”
I surmised then that this was the only reason why Father Baek was willing to be open about the Hwang family. For anyone else, he would never cross that line. However, for the youngest and only survivor of the Hwang family, there were to be no secrets if I asked for the answers.
“I wasn’t sure at first,” he admitted, lowering his eyes to my wrist, “but when I saw your gold bangles, I knew it couldn’t be any other child.” He brought his eyes back up to me. “What brought you back after all these years, Grace?”
“I’ve been running away for so long,” I said slowly, seeing no point in further pretending that I wasn’t Grace Hwang. “It’s time that I came back to my roots.” I looked at him, never feeling more vulnerable now that I was with someone from my past—someone who knew exactly who I was. “Do you believe I killed them?” I asked unexpectedly, my eyes unblinking. I didn’t know why I asked it and what I hoped to hear. The question came out faster than I could’ve stopped it.
“No,” he answered without faltering. His voice teemed with lament and sincerity. “I don’t believe you killed them, Grace. Not you.”
The answer was simple, unwavering, and honest.
I smiled gratefully at him.
Hearing him say that gave me hope. A piece of my soul was stolen that night, but prior to that, it was still intact. If he trusted that the Grace Hwang prior to that night was human enough to not kill her family, then there was hope for my future after all.
“Thank you, Father,” I said, genuinely meaning it. With the best acting skills I could muster up, I feigned a smile that gave no hint that I was actually the murderer. “It’s liberating to not have someone blame me for a crime that I did not commit.”
He nodded, his expression pained. “Where have you been, Grace?”
“I was released from the psychiatric hospital when I was fifteen. From then on I kept a low profile and lived as normally as I could. I have friends who believe that my family is still alive in Busan. I’m too afraid of them alienating me and judging me if they knew the truth, so I lied.” My lower lip trembled in fear. “I’ve been hiding from this place but”—I looked at Eclipse—“Eclipse here has convinced me that in order to move on with my future, I have to reconcile with my past.”
Father Baek nodded empathetically. “Do you remember anything from that night?”
“Nothing,” I admitted with a frustrated expression. “All I remember is waking up beneath the bed and finding out that everyone was dead.” I expelled a shaky breath. “It took a lot for me to come here, to overcome all my fears about this place. I’ve been hiding from my past for a long time, but I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to learn more about my family in order to move on.” I peered at him in a pleading manner. “I need your help, Father. I know that you were close to my family. I need you to help answer some questions I have about them.”
Father Baek swallowed tightly. “I will help the best I can.”
I took out my brother’s diary and proceeded with the reason we came to this church. “When we went back to the house, we stumbled upon my brother’s diary. In one of the entries, it says, ‘Mom, Dad, and my sister won’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying either. My heart hurts. She died today. My baby sister died today.’ Then, in another pen color, he wrote, ‘Thank you, God. She’s okay again.’” I peered at him with inquisitive eyes. “Do you know what he meant by that?”
Silence collapsed over Father Baek as he digested those words.
As if to provoke him, Eclipse asked something that was sure to rile Father Baek up. “Did her parents try to kill her?”
“No!” Father Baek answered at once, stunned that Eclipse could ask such an awful thing. “Of course not.”
Seeing that he had Father Baek right where we wanted him, Eclipse kept provoking him to get him to talk—to get him to finally tell us what we needed to know. “Were they in a cult or something?”
“No!” he breathed out again. “No, not Sang and Susi.” He turned to me, fearful that I would have the wrong perception of my parents. “Your parents would never do anything to hurt you.”
“What did my brother mean then?” I demanded, capitalizing on the passageway that Eclipse had paved for me. I felt horrible that we were goading Father Baek like this, interrogating him like he was a criminal. Nevertheless, this was far better than the alternative, which was to physically torture him until he cracked.
Father Baek hesitated for a moment. Then, as if reconciling with the internal battle inside him, he exhaled a weary sigh. Reluctant as he may be about disclosing anything of this magnitude, Father Baek was also a reasonable man. This was my past, and if I deemed it necessary to be informed about it, then his reluctance would have to take a backseat to my needs.
With a deep inhalation to calm his nerves, Father Baek finally disclosed the truth about my family’s past.
“They had a miscarriage six months into their pregnancy,” he began, and I could feel icy fear course into my body as he spoke. “As a result of this, they fell into depression—your entire family did. Susi was devastated. She was here every single day, praying to God for help, for such a tragedy to have never occurred. Sang, Faith, and Christian would kneel here, crying on the floor everyday and begging for a miracle that would help bring their family back together. Then, one day, a miracle occurred. Susi was pregnant again.” He looked at the bible in my hands. “That was what Christian meant. His baby sister died, but when Susi became pregnant with you, as a child, he only understood it as his baby sister being okay again.”
“There’s something else,” Eclipse prompted, his eyes assessing Father Baek’s face.
I appraised him. I could also see that Father Baek was hiding something from me.
On impulse, I asked, “How was I born?”
“She wasn’t born in a hospital,” Eclipse gently provided to help Father Baek along. Although Eclipse was relentless, he was also respectful with Father Baek. It was clear that he had grown to like and admire Father Baek. The last thing he wanted to do was intimidate him.
Father Baek nodded in concurrence. “She came early. Susi and Sang were at the church with Christian and Faith. They were on their way out of town when a storm hit and left them stranded. They stopped by the church because they were close by and decided to wait out the storm here. But then, something incredibly unexpected happened: Grace came before her due date.” His eyes feathered over me. “You were coming and your parents couldn’t leave for the hospital because the roads were too dangerous. Luckily, we had a nun with us who knew how to help deliver a baby. After several tumultuous hours of panic and fear for the simple fact that you were a premature baby, you finally came into the world, miraculously safe and healthy.”
“How bad was the storm that night?” Eclipse inquired abruptly, his attention on the stained glass windows where water was whipping across the glass.
“Really bad,” Father Baek replied, observing the current storm outside. “Roads were covered with snow, electricity was out, and every
thing was chaotic. It was a thousand times worse than tonight.”
Eclipse paled slightly. “But after she was born?”
“The world stopped, as if to watch in silence.” Amazement swelled in his recollection. “It was the strangest thing. Grace was born and the storm stopped. Everything fell into a quiet hush and Grace never once cried. She was just a healthy, quiet, and peaceful baby.”
“Why do you keep saying that a miracle happened?” I couldn’t help but ask. None of this made sense to me. “My parents had a miscarriage and my mother was pregnant with me afterwards, but it happens all the time. Babies are also born before their due dates all the time. It’s miraculous, yes, but not rare.”
“You don’t understand,” Father Baek told me carefully, staring intently into my eyes. “Your mother had a miscarriage on the sixth month of her pregnancy, she was pregnant with you thirteen weeks later, and she gave birth to you thirteen days afterwards.”
My heart stopped in its beat.
The world seemed to have gotten louder, yet all I could hear was the resounding silence in my mystified mind. I gaped at Eclipse, whose eyes were huge with disbelief. Baffled, I returned my shocked gaze to Father Baek. It took me several long seconds before I could muster anything out.
“Sh-she gave birth to me thirteen days after she found out she was pregnant with me?”
“That was why they named you ‘Grace,’” he confirmed. “To them, you were a gift from God. A miracle in every sense of the word.”
I was thunderstruck.
I did not anticipate discovering something this astounding.
“No one else knew about this?” I breathed out, barely able to preserve my composure.
He shook his head. “Only the few of us who were there during your birth knows.”