by Londyn Skye
Although she hated being taunted by the memories of a fancy lifestyle and tortured by the knowledge of her true self-worth, those were not the main reasons Lily regretted having taught herself to play the piano. That honor went to William. In Lily’s estimation, everything that William did went far beyond what she ever imagined a father would have done for her. William had not just given her a glimpse of what it would be like to have a loving father, he had figuratively painted it for her on a massive canvas in stunning vibrant detail. After a heavy dose of William’s compassion, Lily had become hopelessly addicted to the feeling of being unconditionally loved by a father figure. And just like any addict without her drug, she was already experiencing severe withdrawals, feeling as though she could not live a sane life without William. She was willing to accept that she would never again have all the material things and experiences she had attained while touring the country, but she was convinced that she would never get over the heartache of losing William Werthington. She had formed such a unique bond with him in such a short time, that losing him was nearly as painful as losing her mother. After being stripped away from him in the same dramatic fashion, she felt like she was mourning his death. It was for that reason that Lily slowly backed out of Jesse’s parlor, stepping away from Elizabeth’s piano like it was about to kill her. She escaped into the kitchen, and pulled her dried-up roast from the oven, all the while wishing she could go back to the days of only knowing the sort of father who would get rid of her for the sake of money. That had been far easier for her to cope with.
For now, Lily was coping with the fact that she was back to fixing meals for a man who made her biological father seem like a saint. After Jesse and James ate the hate-filled roast Lily prepared, she washed their dishes and then spent hours getting the house back in an order suitable for her standards. When she was finished with all her hard work for the evening, she was not kindly escorted to the warmth of a bedroom fit for a princess. Instead, she walked alone in the cold and the darkness to the confines of a place that was barely fit for livestock. She walked into the slave quarters well after midnight, stopped, and looked around. In place of wall to wall books were wall to wall bodies covered in thin blankets. There was no fireplace, or curtains that sprawled out on the ground like the train of a wedding dress. The handmade desk and hand-stitched comforter were all nowhere to be found either. Lily took a moment to listen. She could now easily hear the owls hooting, crickets chirping, and frogs croaking in the distance. The complete silence she had grown used to while inside of the warmth of William’s home was now gone too. She turned her attention to the roof. The holes still remained, as did the cracks in the walls that the wind whistled through. She walked into her so-called room and stared at her so-called bed: the one that did not make her feel wrapped in love, but instead, pricked her delicate skin from head to toe. She opened the hidden compartment in the ground and pulled out the now dusty blanket that James had given to her years ago. She then shook it free from all the bugs that had made a home in its folds. As the critters crawled away, Lily looked around for the last time, just to be sure that she was not in the throes of a nightmare. After pondering that possibility, she realized that she was definitely living in a nightmare, but unfortunately, not the kind that she would ever be able to wake up from.
Lily hesitantly sat down on the pile of hay that she was to sleep on. She wrapped her dusty blanket around her body, laid back, closed her eyes, and accepted the painful reality that James had indeed transported her to the old world … just not the one she had dreamed of. No. This was nowhere near the Old World she had read about with kings, queens, and palaces that stretched into the sky, the beautiful land in which James had promised to start a new life with her. It was far from the place that was riddled with cities and landmarks that William had told her stories about. Instead, Lily was now lying in the old world in which she considered as an equivalent to hell. It was the old world where cooking, cleaning, scrubbing floors, and serving a man she hated were all a part of her mundane daily tasks. She was in the old world with the kitchen where she cooked hate-seasoned meals and slept on hay in a run-down shack. Terms like “please” and “thank you,” and every other thing that showed some level of appreciation, kindness, or respect did not exist in this particular old world. Lily’s dreams of seeing palaces, kings, and queens had been crushed, along with her spirit, once she was back in the prison where she felt like her life never mattered. A severe melancholy state of mind immediately returned along with Lily’s arrival to her nightmarish old world. What returned just as quickly was her desire to depart from its constraints, but this time, in the most permanent of ways.
Chapter Nine
Slave Code
Article VII Section II
A surname is not a legitimate name unless the bearer has a legal right to it. Negroes hold no rights in this country. They hold no head in state, no name, title, or register, can have no legal heirs, and are not entitled to the rights and considerations of matrimony. Negroes, therefore, cannot legally possess a surname.
January 1860
“I know you ain’t glad to be back here, but I sho’ am,” Corrina whispered to Lily as she helped her with the dishes. “Masa’ Jesse pulled me in ’dis house to work for ’em when you left. I thought I’s gon’ be in heaven workin’ indoors for a change. But afta’ workin’ in here with that man for all these months, I’d ratha’ burn up into ashes in that field ’fo I work one mo’ minute in here with him barkin’ orda’s at me. I don’t know how you done it all these years. Now that you’s back, though, one things fo sho’…” She leaned in close to Lily. “I’m gon’ get down on my knees and pray fo’ yo’ soul every night, knowin’ you workin’ in closed quarta’s with that devil,” she joked, trying desperately to get Lily to laugh, speak, or smile, things she had not done at all in the week she had been home. But just like all of Corrina’s other attempts, this one was also in vain.
Seconds after her failed comedy routine, Corrina heard approaching footsteps and turned in the direction of the sound. “Mornin’ masa’ James,” she said when he appeared in the kitchen doorway. She then whipped her head back around when she suddenly heard the backdoor squeak open. Lily had quickly stormed out of the house the instant she turned and saw James walk in the kitchen. Corrina and James then stood there bewildered by how quickly Lily was fleeing the scene.
After a week of such behavior, James had come to expect Lily’s abrupt exits. Though he knew he deserved it, it still stung him to watch her depart with such haste every time she saw his face. With the emotional connection he had to her, though, James could feel Lily’s disgust for him emanating no matter how much distance she placed between them. The feeling was tantamount to a thousand little cockroaches crawling all over his body. That unwanted sensation, however, felt like a massage compared to the way James felt whenever he was in close proximity to Lily. The silent vexation she emitted in those moments was so intense, he could feel his body temperature rising, along with the need to regurgitate.
James and Corrina exchanged a glance of worry after Lily performed her typical disappearing act. Corrina then shrugged her shoulders and turned to finish the dishes Lily had left behind. James, in turn, stood there looking out the window at Lily marching away while his heart plummeted even further into his stomach. His concern over Lily’s well-being was at immeasurable levels. He had not heard her voice, seen her eat, and he rarely caught a glimpse of her eyes because her head hung so low. It crushed him to see the way her dress now hung loosely in places where it used to be a perfect fit. Lily’s eyes were stonecold and her face was always expressionless. It was like her soul did not exist. James had seen more emotion in a corpse. Helplessly watching Lily emotionally deteriorate had left James unable to eat or sleep. Night after night, he laid awake, contemplating what words he could use to bring emotional harmony back to the woman he loved, words that he hoped would be worthy of her forgiveness in the future.
After yet another night of toss
ing and turning, James had gotten out of bed on this particular morning and looked out the window after hearing his father leaving the farm. Since his return, it was the first morning that Jesse had not banged on James’s door, insisting for him to ride into town with him. James felt his father’s absence presented the perfect opportunity for him to finally give Lily an explanation for his disastrous decisions at Winter Garden, as well as a long overdue apology. An excruciating onset of nerves hit James after he had exited his bedroom to begin the insurmountable task of repairing Lily’s shattered heart, and hopefully their broken relationship. He had stopped and stood at the top of the stairs as his mind began conjuring up an onslaught of excuses to avoid facing the sight of pain in a set of eyes that he knew would be glaring at him through hate-filled slants: Jump on your horse and ride into town with your father. Jump on your horse and ride away forever! Forget the horse, jump out of the window … the broken legs would be far less painful than facing Lily. After ignoring the cowardly voice in his head and entering the kitchen, James quickly learned that his excuses were never necessary. The woman he was desperate to bring peace back to had bolted from his presence quicker than a strike of lightning, leaving Corrina as the only person to discuss his troubles with.
“Corrina,” James began, still gazing out the window at Lily as she disappeared into the barn. “I know you and Lily were pretty close. Does she speak to you? Has she said anything at all to you lately about the way she’s been feelin’?” he asked, feeling awkward about approaching her for the matters on his mind.
“To be honest with ya’ masa’ James, if it wasn’t for the occasional, ‘yessa or no sa’, I’d swear somebody done ripped that girl’s vocal cords clean out ’er throat. Outside ‘a that, she don’t talk, she don’t smile, she don’t even laugh at my foolishness no mo’. I ain’t seen ‘er eat and she just lays there when it ain’t no work to be done. She don’t even look at nobody. And on the rare occasion she do, it’s like nobody’s home behind ’er eyes. We all been tryna boost ’er spirits to help ’er get ova’ havin’ her baby sold, but…”
“She neva’ had a baby Corrina,” James informed her.
Corrina looked confused. “Oh, I thought you’s taken ’er to a breeda’.”
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, I don’t know what done happened in the time she was away from here. All I can say is that the Lily what come back here ain’t the same Lily what left here a year ago. I feel like I don’t know that girl no mo’.”
James was hoping to hear that perhaps Lily only behaved that way in his presence. To hear that her silence and emotional distance was not exclusively with him, hit him so hard that he had to sit down. The situation, he realized, was far more dire than what he initially thought. James knew full well that the symptoms Corrina had just described were of a severe melancholy state. The endless cravings of deadly desires that could be born in that state of mind were what hit him in the stomach like a sledgehammer, and caused his knees to weaken to the point of needing the seat now beneath his posterior.
After seeing the concerned look on James’s face, as he sat there staring blankly at the table, Corrina felt a sudden comfort with confiding in him about how perturbed she was by Lily’s behavior. She hoped that perhaps James would be willing to honor a very meaningful request. “Masa’ James?”
He managed to raise his hanging head and turn in Corrina’s direction.
“I-I know I may be ’bout to ova’step my boundaries by askin’ you this, but…” She slowly approached him. “All us slaves been so worried about Lily that I’m gon’ take my chances by sayin’ what I’m ’bout to say. We done all tried to talk to Lily just to get a response, a laugh, a smile … hell anything. But ain’t nothin’ worked. And I know it was a time when you and Lily used to be close once, years ago. A-and well, since can’t none of us seem to get through to ’er, I’s hopin’ you’d talk to…”
“Say no more, Corrina. I promise you, I’ll handle it.” After Corrina’s request, James finally gathered enough strength in his weakened knees to get up from the table. He opened the backdoor but stopped and turned around before leaving. “Oh, and Corrina…”
“Yessa’?”
“Thank you for tryna help Lily.”
“No thanks necessary. We all love her.”
So do I, James thought. “Be sure this conversation stays between you and me though, okay?”
“You have my word,” she replied with a great deal of sincerity.
James nodded, opened the door, and managed to force his feet to lead him to the barn. He made the trek across the field with a pounding heart, sweating palms, and perspiration collecting quickly in his armpits, despite the abrasively cold weather. His mind was racing too fast to solidify the first logical sentence he could possibly say to start a very difficult conversation. His misfiring thoughts had distracted him to the point of not even realizing that he had just locked the barn door behind him after he had entered it. He did not become conscious of his surroundings until he turned around and saw the face of the woman whose life he had just obliterated.
Lily stood there with a basket of eggs in her hand with fifteen feet in-between them. Neither of them moved at all. They stood there as if they had just walked fifty paces apart, turned, and were ready to see who could draw their pistol and shoot the fastest … at least that was the way Lily was looking at James. She said nothing … not verbally anyway. The cold lifeless eyes she stared at him with said far more than her words ever could. They screamed her disappointment and disdain for him. James, in turn, looked at Lily and was doing all he could to keep himself from crying, after finally getting a good look at the dark circles under her eyes, and seeing how much weight she had truly lost. Horses neighing, pigs oinking, and chickens clucking were the only sounds at that moment, but James was oblivious to it all. All he could focus on was the heartbreaking results of what he had done to Lily.
Say something while you can. Think, think, think. “Lily, I know you’re angry.” That was stupid. “Hell, I’m sure angry isn’t even the word, but let me explain…”
“Afta’ nearly a week, you’re just now bein’ man enough to waste your time tryna speak to me?!” She was instantly annoyed by that and by the fact that he had trapped her there to do it.
“I was tryna give you some time and space. Look, I know there’s nothin’ I can do or say right now to make any ‘a this betta’…”
“You’re damn right about that!” Lily began making her way toward the barn door.
“I know, but can I at least explain?” James asked as she closed the distance between them.
“I don’t wanna hear anything you have to say … Masta’ James,” she said while trying to breeze by him.
“Would you please wait a minute?” he asked, stepping in her path.
She sidestepped him and proceeded on.
“Goddamn it, Lily Adams! Hear me out!”
She immediately stopped, whipped around, and looked at him with the utmost disgust. “My last name ain’t Adams,” she said venomously while stepping toward him.
The words indeed felt like a poisonous sting to James.
“My fatha’ neva’ felt his bastard daughta’ was worthy of havin’ his last name! And I damn sho’ ain’t no Adams eitha’! All I am is a slave on the Adams plantation … I’m owned by the Adams! I’m not one of you … nor would I eva’ wanna be! You’re nothin’ but a bunch ‘a despicable, abusive, cold-hearted liars!”
“Yes, Lily! I lied … but not to you!”
“You promised me I’d neva’ come back to this place! You swore on Auntie’s soul that I’d neva’ set foot on this land again! Yet here I am! How does that not make you a liar? And the worst kind! You took me outta the depths of hell, away from the devil himself, and let me get a taste of what it feels like to be in heaven just to bring me back here to burn all ova’ again!”
“Lily that wasn’t my intention. I…”
“Just shut the hell up!” she yelled, c
utting him off. “Your lies are gratin’ my ears!”
“Lily, please let me…”
“I said shut up! The sound ‘a your voice makes me wanna throw up!” she attacked again. “William was the only fatha’ figure I’ve eva’ known. Anna Mae, Ben, Isabel, and even the orchestra were all like my family! You knew that, but I’m convinced you got some sick, twisted pleasure from draggin’ me outta their lives! I’m convinced that you neva’ had any intention on takin’ me to the Old World or of findin’ my mama! And I’m damn sho’ convinced that you lied about lovin’ me!”
“Lily I had to tell lies! I had to turn on you! But not because I wanted to break a promise to you or because I don’t love you. If anything, it’s because I love you! Lily, you’re the love of my life!”
Lily scoffed. “Is that a joke?!” she asked, squinting her eyes at him.
“I know right now you don’t wanna believe that, but you don’t know what my fatha’s truly capable of! He’s a sick man! I’m convinced he’s got the devil’s blood coursin’ through his veins! So, I couldn’t just make a hasty decision back at Winta’ Garden. If I’d’ve walked outta there with you, it doesn’t matta’ where we sailed to, he’d follow the headlines until he tracked us down! He’s got connections. He’d hunt you down and see to it that he makes you suffa’ for my decisions. I needed to buy some time to figure out what to do next. I knew I had to be patient and strategic about gettin’ us outta the shit we’re stuck in this time or else it would ‘a been disastrous. Until then, I needed to lie to my fatha’! I needed to keep ’em close, to keep one eye on him and the otha’ on you until all the dust settles. If I’d’ve defied what he wanted in that hallway, I have no doubt he’d’ve killed you just to spite me!”
“Oh, God forbid someone ends the life of the woman whose makin’ you rich! Sounds to me like you lied for selfish reasons!”