by Londyn Skye
Silence.
James did not push Lily for a response. Instead, he offered a hand to help her stand. She ignored it and stood up on her own.
James quietly sighed. “I need to have you lie down on the examination table,” he then explained.
It was the first time Lily looked at him. Her eyes spoke of how she objected to such an idea.
“I just need to feel your stomach for any abnormalities. Nothing too invasive. It’s a typical part ‘a this procedure. But I need you to lie down to do it.” He walked over and retrieved a garment off a shelf. “I’ll step out a moment while you put this robe on,” he explained as he handed it to her.
Lily waited for him to leave, undressed, and then reluctantly put on the thin robe and tied it in the front. She then sat down on the table and waited. James knocked, but per usual, Lily said nothing. He entered anyway. Again, Lily turned her head away to keep him out of her field of view. It cut James deep every time she chose to stare at the wall over looking at him, but he knew the emotional wounds she was inflicting were nowhere near the catastrophic damage he had caused to her. He felt it was only right to endure her evasive maneuvers without complaint. But he prayed hard that time would soon heal her and that one day the sight of him would no longer make her sick.
James approached Lily cautiously. “If you would please lie back.”
Lily followed his instructions. James felt the stabbing in his gut again when she turned her head toward the wall as soon as she was parallel with the examination table. “I’m gonna untie this for a moment,” he explained, so as not to startle her. He let loose the strings and parted the robe enough just to reveal her abdomen while being sure to keep her breasts unexposed. “I’m just gonna press on your stomach. Let me know if there’s pain anywhere, okay?” He rubbed his hands together to warm them before proceeding. He laid his heated hands against her soft skin and he could instantly feel his professional bedside manner slipping away. Instinctively, his pulse quickened, and his breathing deepened, but he fought to maintain his professionalism. For Lily, however, reeling in her emotions was suddenly an impossibility.
The moment James touched her, Lily felt goosebumps erupting on her skin as his strong hands made their way across her abdomen. But the goosebumps had nothing to do with being cold. Her body knew the difference between the brief moments when his fingers were searching for odd-shaped abnormalities and the erotic glides in between. She had closed her eyes to ward off the arousal she felt brewing, but even darkening her world proved to be ineffective at ceasing the inevitable. Despite how deep-seated her anger was, she was simply not impervious to the power of James’s touch. It caused her to instantly slide back into the memory of a morning while they were on tour when she had awakened in a luxury hotel to the feeling of James gliding his hand across her stomach in the very same manner…
Lily had opened her eyes that morning to find James lying on his side, propped up on his elbow, gazing down on her. “Mornin’,” she said, her voice groggy.
“Mornin’ beautiful,” James replied, lowering his lips to hers.
“Mmm,” she moaned, her body warming from his affections. “What’s on your mind that’s got you up this early?”
“You.”
Lily smiled at the response. “What about me?”
“Imaginin’ how incredible it would be to wake up with you next to me like this every day for the rest ‘a my life.”
Lily blushed and smiled again. “Mm-hmm, you’d probably be tired ‘a me beggin’ you to make love to me every mornin’,” she teased.
“Are you kiddin’ me?” James moaned softly and let another kiss linger passionately on her lips. “I’d be insane to miss a mornin’ inside ‘a you.”
Lily moaned softly in return and began running her hand gently through his hair.
“I’d make love to you every mornin’ and let you fall asleep in my arms again until our children scampa’ in wantin’ breakfast.” He kissed her again. “It wouldn’t be fair, though. You’d always get to sleep a lot longa’ than me.”
“And why’s that?”
“’Cause our kids would always wake me up first and beg for my famous French toast,” he sarcastically bragged.
“They’d beg for my famous pancakes!” Lily objected, playfully hitting him with a pillow.
James laughed at her playfulness. “Maybe once in a while when they feel sorry for you, and they wanna make their mama feel good about her dried-up, nasty pancakes,” he joked.
Lily burst out laughing. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see, won’t we?!” she replied, still giggling over their silly argument. She suddenly stopped, though, and became lost in thought.
“What’s wrong?” James asked, after noticing the abrupt shift in Lily’s demeanor.
“Would you really want a family with me, James?” she asked, suddenly sounding serious.
He raised up, looked at her with all seriousness, and began running his hand gently across her abdomen again. “Outside ‘a true freedom for you, there’s nothin’ else I want more.”
… As Lily lay on the examination table, she remembered the way James had kissed her after that statement. Her nipples suddenly hardened, and moisture began to pool between her thighs as she recalled the way he had made love to her following that kiss. Every stroke was slow, every kiss was meaningful, like James was trying to prove the sincerity of his words through his movements. Within just a few strokes, Lily’s climax came on strong and lasted long, leaving her with no doubt that James truly wanted a family with her.
Lily was never open to the idea of bearing children prior to her life on the road. Maintaining her chastity was not by dumb luck. It was a very conscious decision. There were certainly many slaves who had come and gone on Jesse’s farm that would have been more than happy to impregnate her, but she was adamant about not bringing children into a world that she felt was not fit for a Negro child. She was too weak to keep her guard up when it came to James, though. While living her fairy-tale life on the road, James had the power to make her completely ignore the potential consequences of her actions. Mornings like the one from her memory were the reasons why.
After reliving the past, Lily suddenly opened her eyes when she felt a drop of moisture pelt her abdomen. She glanced at James, who was intently listening to the sound coming through his stethoscope. He had found their baby’s heartbeat. He struggled to find it at first which had him in a sudden panic. The joy and relief of finally finding it had instantly brought forth his tears. He did not bother to wipe the tears away; he was far too entranced by the magnificent sound of amplified thumping in his ears. Lily was taken aback by the way James stood there looking like a man in awe. Even she could not deny that he was clearly a man who was head over heels in love with his child.
The beautiful sound of his baby’s heartbeat caused James to finally lose the strength to maintain his professional bedside manner. He went to glide his hand across Lily’s stomach again as a show of his immense love, but she forcefully gripped it before he could touch her. “Are you finished?” she asked with venom in her tone as she pierced him with cold eyes.
The very second Lily grabbed his hand, James was instantly snatched from the emotional euphoria of listening to the life he had helped create. The joyous smile faded from his face, and he wiped away the tears that he did not even realize were there. He put Lily’s robe back into place and helped her sit up. “W-when did you know you were carryin’, Lily?” he whispered. His brokenhearted tone would have made the toughest man cave in, but still Lily refused to reply. “I-I just.” James struggled to find his words as he mentally kicked himself over the fact that they were back in Fayetteville. “It’s just … Perhaps I might’ve done things so differently that night at Winta’ Garden had I known.”
Lily did not want to keep looking at the sullen expression on his face. She hopped off the table and breezed by him. She was in no mood to hear what he should have, could have, or would have done. “Can I get dressed now?” s
he asked while facing the door.
James walked toward the door, put his hand on the handle, and stopped. He took a deep breath to collect himself and walked out to let Lily get dressed. He went into a closet where he had stored the leftover donated winter coats he had collected. Knowing Mary Jo, James assumed she had forced Lily to leave the house without the coat he had already given her. His assumption was accurate. He remedied that problem by retrieving another nice one for her. He then returned to the examination room once Lily was clothed. “Here’s anotha’ jacket for you. It’s cold. You need it.” He tried handing it to Lily, but she would not unfold her arms to take it. He walked over and wrapped it around her anyway.
After James secured the coat over her shoulders, he began whispering. “I’ve been itchin’ for the chance to speak to you alone. With Gideon standin’ right outside, I don’t have time to go ova’ every detail of all this madness right now. But I at least wanted to tell you that MJ found the letta’s we wrote to each otha’ while we were at William’s estate. She took ’em all, along with the drawin’ that Peirs did of us dancin’ togetha’. She’s threatenin’ to take it all to the sheriff and show my fatha’ if I don’t concede to her ridiculous wishes.” He took Lily gently by the shoulders and pulled her back to look her in the eyes. “I know that my words are probably worthless to you right now, but I just want you to hear directly from me that everything between MJ and me is a facade. Every bit of it. I need you to believe that. Somehow, I know you already do because you know me, Lily. You know me betta’ than anyone. So please believe me when I tell you that I feel nothin’ for Mary Jo. I don’t love her. I love you which has everything to do with the reason I feel I have no choice but to comply with what MJ wants for now. In the meantime, she’ll likely say and do anything to tear you down emotionally because she’s envious of the fact that I love you and not her. You’re an enemy as far as she’s concerned. So, before you allow anything she says to hurt you, just rememba’ the sort of evil lunatic you’re dealin’ with. We have to just let ’er have her way for the time bein’. Trust me, I know how hard it is, but just ignore her idiocy somehow, okay? She’ll be far easier to deal with that way.”
James was not yet ready to explain all the disgusting lengths he had gone to in order to silence Mary Jo, but he at least wanted to give Lily some comfort about their current ordeal. As he spoke, though, Lily was busy glancing at the medical bag adorned with his name, as well as all the other items Mary Jo had given him. She noticed that they were being put to good use. James was against using any of it at first but had justified it by wanting the best for his patients. The pocket watch, however, had not seen the light of day since it was given to him. That fact had also not escaped Lily’s attention. She noticed that his old one still hung on his hip while he was taking her blood pressure.
“Lily look at me, please?” James asked, trying to wrangle her attention.
She finally glanced up at him.
“I know good ‘n damn well that I deserve every bit ‘a your anger right now. I even accept that you may hate me at this very moment. But I hope you find the strength to believe in me again despite the distasta’ I’ve caused.” He ran the back of his hand slowly down her cheek. “I don’t care if it takes a decade for you to let go of the anger you feel for me. Just know that I’ll still love you when that day comes, and that I’m here for you in the meantime … for anything, no matta’ what. So, you take your time and do what you have to do to feel whole again, okay?” he sincerely expressed. “For now, I’m hopin’you’ll at least give me a little bit ‘a time to figure out the best way to get you off ‘a my fatha’s farm again. Can you do that for me?”
Per usual, Lily did not respond.
“Lily just hang on for me … please?” James whispered as he secured the coat on her shoulders again and kissed her on the forehead. “I promise I won’t leave you in this nightmare for much longa’.”
“Are we finished?” Lily asked with no emotion whatsoever.
“Yes.”
Lily opened the door, let the coat fall from her shoulders, walked out the front door, and waited for Mary Jo in the frosty air. She stood there mulling over the things that James had just divulged to her. By all he had said, it was clear to her that he did not understand that her current state had little to do with Mary Jo and her abhorrent behavior. After the initial sting of seeing James be so affectionate to her, Lily came to her senses and had quickly gotten over it. She could tell by James’s body language that every interaction with Mary Jo was excruciating for him and that he had no genuine feelings for her. She now laughed inwardly every time James kissed Mary Jo, wondering if his gag reflexes were working overtime. Even their so-called engagement only made Lily want to roll her eyes. The fact that James would ever propose marriage to such a vile woman left Lily feeling confident that the entire situation was a charade motivated by something sinister. Lily had surmised all of that long before James ever mentioned a word about it. It proved that James was right about one thing: Lily knew him well. The same was true for James. He knew Lily well. Lily, therefore, felt he should have known that the current stronghold over her was the deadly sin of envy … not Mary Jo. She thought she had made that clear to James during their argument near the barn. Lily was frustrated that he now pretended to be oblivious to that fact, perhaps because it was something that he could never fix, like all men wish to do for their women. No matter his reasons, Lily did not have the desire to reiterate to James how envy was eating her soul alive. Deep inside, she was still very much envious of the freedom Mary Jo and other Caucasian women had to openly express their emotions for James. She was envious that she did not have the freedom to do anything about being torn away from her career, her friends, and her beloved mentor. She was angry that she was once again a faceless, nameless, nobody for people to step on, with no freedom to defend herself in the process. She was simply envious of freedom. After having had a taste of what it was like to be free, she was now finding it nearly impossible to accept that Jesse Adams owned her and even worse … her baby.
While trying desperately to come to terms with those facts, Lily had to remain silent to keep from having an emotional meltdown. However, the more she detached herself from the outside world, the farther she plummeted into darkness. This time, her melancholy state was far worse than when she had first arrived at William’s estate; her life was now not the only one she considered ending. Lily needed a meltdown. She needed to yell, to scream, to erupt. As it stood, she was on the verge of imploding in a way that she was certain James would never recover from emotionally. As her days back in captivity mounted, though, the side effects of her sadness had ample time to ravage her mind. The constant negative voice in her head was making her believe that James would not care if she abandoned him permanently.
Sensing the heaviness of Lily’s sorrows had led James to make his confessions in the examination room. He was hoping to lift a little bit of weight off the very shoulders her coat had just fallen from. James now stood by the window with Lily’s new coat in his hand, unable to bring himself to take his eyes off her as she stood outside in the cold.
Gideon glanced over at him after also sensing the heaviness in the atmosphere. “Is Lily all right?” he asked.
“No,” James replied. “I’m afraid she’s not good at all.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. You okay?”
“I just realized at this very moment that there’s just some ailments even the greatest doctor will neva’ be able to heal.”
James then stepped outside and put the coat back over Lily’s shoulder and whispered in her ear, “it doesn’t matta’ what you do, Miss Lily, you’ll neva’ stop me from lovin’ the hell outta you.”
No sooner than those words finished escaping James’s mouth, his “fiancé” pulled up in her carriage. Mary Jo’s aesthetically pleasing, blonde-haired, blue-eyed cousin, Julia, was helped down by the driver first. James noted the family resemblance, but that Julia was not nearly as pale as Mary J
o. Even her smile seemed genuine to him in comparison to her cousin’s. When Mary Jo introduced Julia to James, he quickly gathered that her kindness was genuine as well. After the brief introduction, Mary Jo rudely demanded for “Leela” to get into the carriage. James stood by watching Lily be whisked away while hoping that his confession would help her endure the hell he was sure Mary Jo was about to put her through.
Hell would not even begin to describe the constant malicious acts of humiliation Mary Jo inflicted on “Leela.” Lily had the misfortune of spending the rest of the day catering to Mary Jo and Julia’s needs as they went about shopping and running errands for the engagement party. She was forced to carry bags, comply with demeaning demands, and was even denied food and water. To further torture her, Mary Jo made sure Lily overheard her talking to Julia about her “loving” relationship with James, his extreme happiness over their impending nuptials, and how he was looking forward to starting a family with her. Her stories even included boastful, overexaggerated, graphic details of their sexual encounters. But through it all, Lily remained stoic, due in part to what James had confessed to her.
After arriving at Mary Jo’s mansion, her overblown, retaliatory rhetoric continued in her bedrom. “James is comin’ ova’ to see me tonight. I wish he could make love to me again, but unfortunately, it’s that damn time ‘a the month,” Mary Jo unnecessarily explained to Julia while they were stripping down to bathe.
Lily rolled her eyes as she bent down to pick up their dirty garments off the floor.
“Oh God, Mary Jo! You could’ve spared me those details!” Julia laughed.