by Londyn Skye
“What the hell do you want now, James?”
“I want you to come to our weddin’.”
William was about to take a sip from his glass, but then slowly lowered it and sat it on the table.
“Not for me, of course, but for Lily’s sake. If you could walk Lily down the aisle, William, I know that would mean the world to her.”
“Wedding?” William asked, looking confused.
“Yessa’. The Sunday afta’ Easta’, we plan to…”
“Why in the hell would Lily marry you after what you did to her? Don’t tell me you’re forcing her to do this too?!”
“No! I wouldn’t do that to her.”
“Yes, well, you’ve lied about a lot of things,” William smugly pointed out.
“Not this!”
“What the hell are you marrying her for then?! Because you feel guilty about what you did?! Or is this your damn foolish way of making things up to her?! You think somehow this will excuse it all?!”
“No!” James yelled, instantly angered by his accusations. “Because I love her! And I don’t wanna live my life without ’er!”
“I don’t wanna live my life without her,” William mocked in a childlike voice. “Give me a damn break! That’s nothing but your damn possessiveness over her making you feel that way! You don’t love her! If you did, there’s no way in hell you would’ve sent her back to that tyrant you call your father! Hell, at the very least, you wouldn’t have just stood by and watched him abuse her in such a horrifying manner!”
“You think I wanted to stand there and watch ’em hurt her?!”
“That answer seemed very clear to me!”
“NO IT AIN’T CLEAR!” James barked, taking a step toward William, an angry look suddenly possessing his features. “You have no idea how bad I wanted to shoot that rat bastard in his face! But if I didn’t just stand by and let ’em take Lily away, I’d be here invitin’ you to ’er funeral instead of a weddin’! You don’t know my fatha’!” James stepped even closer to William to be sure he was looking him in the eyes. “When I’s just a kid, that man forced me to watch ’em dismemba’ a man, piece by bloody piece! Then he burned ’em alive just for sayin’ Lily was my friend!” He pointed to his temple. “My own fatha’ put a pistol to my head and promised me he’d torture Lily the same way if I eva’ so much as dreamt ‘a her as a friend again. William, my fatha’ is not a man! He’s a fuckin’ monsta’! And he wouldn’t’ve hesitated to shoot Lily like she was a rabid dog, right there in that hallway! So, did I wanna just callously stand by and see Lily hurt?! Of course not! But I couldn’t just act on emotion and make some hasty decision that would’ve ended her life that day?!”
William could feel his insides twisting after James’s confession, as if he had been there to witness the brutality of his father in the woods himself. He walked behind his son’s desk and rested his hands on it to steady himself. “So, you sincerely had nothing to do with your father being there?”
“Hell no! I know how it seemed, but my fatha’ caught me completely off guard! I wasn’t prepared for any ‘a that shit! I didn’t know what to say or what to do with those deputies watchin’ ova’ us. But the minute nobody was watchin’, I had all intention on killin’ that son of a bitch for layin’ his hands on Lily! I swear I did, William! I was gonna kill ’em! My own fatha’!” James yelled, suddenly panting hard like he was back in that moment again.
William continued listening, unable to respond, looking as though he had just gone into shock.
“I swear to you, William, the furtha’ and furtha’ my fatha’ took Lily away from ’er dreams, the more and more strength it took for me not to pull the trigga’ on my pistol and blow his fuckin’ brains out! It was neva’ my intent to let ’em leave Manhattan alive. I’s fightin’ every mile to hold myself back. I wanted to get ’em far enough from the deputies and everyone else and just wait for the one minute he was dumb enough to turn his back on me … and it was gonna be ova’,” James said coldly.
“It went from me wantin’ to kill ’em to havin’ this sick vision in my head of just woundin’ ’em. I wanted to debilitate ’em with a flesh wound and leave ’em bleedin’ in the woods all alone, unable to do anything but wait for the wolves and buzzards to smell his dyin’ body. I could see them in my mind rippin’ ’em apart, piece by bloody piece, just like he did to that innocent man. The visual was constant. I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about it. Gut ’em, leave ’em for dead, just do it, was repeating in my head non-stop. I wanted ’em to suffa’ for the way he treated my motha’ all her life. I wanted ’em to feel just as tortured as that innocent man he forced me to watch ’em kill, and for the way it tore me apart emotionally afta’ward. But more than anything, I wanted ’em to die a slow and painful death for everything he’s eva’ done to Lily and for snatchin’ all her dreams away. He deserved to die that night … and I wanted to be the one to end it all for ’em.” James froze with a sudden distant look in his eyes. “But then I started to think … What would that have made me? Where would it have gotten me? Would I have been jailed? Would I do all that and lose Lily anyway? What would happen to her then? And worse yet, my fatha’ would slowly die havin’ the honor of knowin’ that he’d succeeded in turnin’ me into the vicious monsta’ that he’s always wanted me to be.” James returned from his trance-like gaze and looked up at William. “And so, I just couldn’t do it, William…” He slightly shook his head. “I just couldn’t do it,” he whispered.
Suddenly feeling sickened by that fact, James walked over, sat down in a chair, and put his head in his hands. “I failed Lily, William. I’m a coward. I let ’er go back to that shithole … because I’m afraid. I’ve always been afraid that my fatha’ wouldn’t hesitate to torture her like he did to that man if I didn’t comply with what he wanted. I’m a fuckin’ grown man but I’m still afraid! Like some fuckin’ little boy!” he suddenly yelled through clenched teeth, becoming more and more unraveled while talking about these dark secrets for the very first time in his life. “This was years ago, but what my fatha’ did to that man in front ‘a me still plays in my head every day! It’s rulin’ my thoughts, my dreams, my decisions! It rules my whole fuckin’ life! I wanna scrape it outta my mind, but I can’t! I still rememba’ every graphic fuckin’ detail like it was yesterday!” He suddenly began repeatedly banging his temples hard with the insides of his fists. “It’s still right here! It won’t stop! I just can’t get it out! It won’t fuckin’ get out! I WANT IT OUT!” he repeatedly shrieked, still violently beating his own temples.
William, a man of many words, was rendered totally speechless. He was unable to take his eyes off of what he was witnessing. He took cautious steps backward with his mouth agape, staring at James like he was watching the very moments of a man losing the last few ounces of his sanity.
Suddenly, though, James just stopped. His face was red, and his chest was heaving as he breathed hard through gritted teeth. With his head still hanging low, he ran his hands through his hair and finally caught his breath enough to speak again. “And I’ve had all that locked away inside ‘a me afta’ watchin’ that happen to some man I didn’t even know,” he said somberly, tapping his finger to his chest near his heart. “I don’t even wanna think about what it would do to me if my fatha’ eva’ tortured Lily that way. I don’t eva’ want ’er to suffa’ like that, William,” he said as nearly ten years of pent up emotions suddenly came surging through his eyes. In front of another grown man, James held his face in his hands sobbing like the scared little boy he was feeling like on the inside. “If I eva’ let a-anything like that h-happen to her, William, I swear to God I’d k-kill myself. L-Lily’s all I got left in this world … Sh-she’s e-everything to me.” He was crying so hard William could barely make out his last few words.
In the midst of witnessing one of the most heartbreaking things he had ever seen, William had stepped backward all the way to his chair and slowly lowered himself into it. He was feeling tight in the chest and si
ck to his stomach after hearing the horrific details of the emotional and psychological damage a father had intentionally caused his own son. Just moments before, William was struggling to understand why any man would stand by and allow a woman he loved to return to deplorable living conditions. But after witnessing James lose his sanity, William instantly understood how his broken mind could have led him to make such a rash decision. It was the second time James had come to him with a request for Lily. It was also now the second time that his emotions had single-handedly convinced William of his sincerity. Yet again, it left him with no doubt about how deeply James cared for Lily.
William sat and waited patiently for James’s emotions to settle. He wanted to allow him the time and space to purge himself of the visual virus that his father had infected his brain with. William felt it would be yet another tragedy not to let him have the much-needed time to finally free himself of such a debilitating mental disease. Once James’s tears finally subsided, William walked over and handed him a handkerchief and placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. James quietly took the handkerchief from him, but kept his head lowered in shame. William then walked back over to his seat to give him the space he knew any man would want in that situation.
James had not planned on verbally vomiting about what his father had done to him. But, as he wiped his face, he realized that the eruption had indeed helped to temporarily rid him of the visual illness that had ravaged his emotions for years.
“You have a conscious, James … something your father obviously lacks,” William began, once he felt James had cleared his mind enough to absorb what he had to say. “Under normal circumstances, I would tell a man to listen to his conscious whole-heartedly, that it rarely fails you, especially if it’s telling you not to take another human being’s life, but…” He leaned back in his chair and put the tips of his fingers together. “In some rare instances, it would better serve the whole of society to put a vicious, rabid animal down, to save us all from being unnecessarily infected with its disgusting disease.” William spoke the words with zero regret or hesitation. It was as if hearing about Jesse’s actions had temporarily robbed him of his own conscious. He continued to stare at James with an empty look in his eyes, silently conveying that his words were not merely a suggestion. “Always remember that,” he said, pure disgust in his tone as he thought of Jesse.
James simply nodded as his mind imprinted the cold look on William’s face. Hearing such harsh words from such a kind-hearted man, proved to James that every man had a moral breaking point; Jesse had certainly succeeded in shattering William’s.
James continued with the apology he had come there for after he finally collected himself enough to speak again. “Look, William,” he began with humbleness and a new calm in his tone. “Afta’ what I did to you and Lily … to all of you … I felt it would be up to me to earn back all the money my fatha’ stole and figure out anotha’ way to get Lily outta the hellhole she’s in now. But the situation is far more dire than eva’ now, and I…”
“Dire? Why?! Is Lily hurt? Is she sick?” William asked, his heart suddenly picking up pace.
“No.” James lowered his head to avoid eye contact. “She’s … she’s with child,” he said like a sheepish teenager confessing to his parents.
William began to snicker, took his spectacles off, and rubbed his eyes. “Yours, I presume?” he asked, referring to the baby.
James just gave him a look that was intended to make him feel foolish for bothering to ask.
William put his spectacles back in place, looked at James, and shook his head. “You certainly know how to make a grand situation even grander, don’t you?” he asked, extreme sarcasm in his tone.
“You say that as if I made this baby alone,” James fired back.
William pursed his lips together and lowered his eyelids. “I’ve told you many times before to dump all of your damn rubbish at the door before walking in to speak to me! I can’t stand it when you give me a whiff of your garbage and then expect that my nose will mistake the stench for your cologne!” he scorned. “How dare you try to put any of this on Lily! You knew how naïve she was, and you took advantage of that! Being a doctor, I’m certain you’re well aware of how to prevent an unintended pregnancy, and I’m also certain that you consciously neglected to do so!”
“This may be an imperfect situation, but I don’t regret my baby, William! Not for one damn minute!”
“Oh, trust me! I know good and damn well you don’t! That baby is the ultimate tie to solidify your bond with Lily. I’m quite sure it’s what you’ve always wanted! You may love Lily, but what you’ve just done is the ultimate in selfishness! Having that baby is easy for you in comparison to the hardship it would cause Lily with her life being as complex as it already is!”
Silence.
“Was this what Lily wanted too? Did you even bother to ask her?” William prodded, leaning forward in his chair and waiting eagerly for a response.
James just dropped his head and did not look at William for fear his eyes would give him away.
“Of course you didn’t bother to ask,” William continued. “Why am I not surprised? You always go parading around doing things behind Lily’s back without her consent and just expecting her to comply! And then afterward, you pray to God that she won’t be too angry about whatever it is you wanted her to do! You wanted that baby, no matter what Lily’s desires, and with complete disregard to what her or your baby may suffer through, didn’t you? And don’t bother with your damn lies either!” he warned.
Silence.
“Have you not noticed the way you’ve hurt Lily in the past with your ridiculous method of internalizing things and trying to handle everything on your own? You’ve made a goddamn mess of things on every occasion, no matter how good your intentions were!”
James continued avoiding eye contact while being scolded, knowing that William already mysteriously knew the answers to everything he was asking.
“You make these claims that Lily’s your best friend,” William continued. “You say she’s the love of your life even. James, if that’s the truth, you shouldn’t disregard her feelings and keep secrets in an effort to control her life. You should be truthful with her at all times about everything, no matter how painful, ugly, or ridiculous you think those truths are. Stop expecting Lily to read your mind. Stop excluding her input from your decisions. You can’t keep her locked up in the dark and then shine a hint of light on her days, weeks, months, or even years later, and then expect that you won’t have caused severe damage to her, or to the preciousness of your relationship. Lily should be your equal partner and your greatest confidant. Always … no matter what.”
As William preached, James remained silent. The sermon had him lost in thought, recalling the way that secrets had indeed caused a nearly irreparable rift between him and Lily.
“If you continue in this manner, you’ll one day find out that the damage you’ve caused in your relationship will never be undone,” William further warned, as if he had just read James’s mind.
“So, you honestly think it would’ve been wise to tell Lily about what my fatha’…”
“EVERYTHING!” William yelled, suddenly standing up from his chair. “Are you not listening?!” His face had turned a shade of red. He snatched his spectacles off, closed his eyes, and rubbed them hard with his thumb and forefinger. His wife, and loyal confidant, was all William saw behind his closed eyes. It had been months since he had been able to sit on his stone bench and speak to Emma at her grave site. He was missing that tradition terribly. At the very least, he wished he still had her portrait to gaze at to help settle his agitation. After simply taking a moment to see her in his mind, though, he instantly felt at peace. “Yes,” he continued calmly, putting his spectacles back into place. “I do believe you should tell Lily about your father, about your fears, and about the reasons why you’ve done the things you’ve done, and why it has sometimes driven you to make decisions that don’t make
sense to her. The things you poured out to me today have put everything into perspective for me. I have no doubt that it will for Lily too.”
“Wh-what about Ben and Anna Mae?”
Suddenly William was stifled. He froze for a moment as the two of them came crashing back to his mind. Slowly, he walked to the front of his desk and leaned against it. He was completely silent as he posted himself there, staring at the floor for a few moments. He then removed his spectacles again, but this time to wipe away an escaping tear, in loving memory of two people who were just as much family to him as his two sons.
“William how am I eva’ gonna tell Lily what happened to them?” James asked somberly. “You know she’ll blame herself.”
William put his spectacles back into place and cleared his throat. “I remember standing in my den before Lily’s first performance on the amphitheater. I was a complete and utter wreck because I was so nervous for her. You walked in and I recall asking you if you thought we were pushing her to hard.” William paused as he got lost in the memory of that moment. “I will never forget the way you looked at me with confidence and said, ‘Lily is honest to God the strongest woman I’ve ever known. When it comes time to show her strength, she will.’ I was stupid for asking that question in the first place,” William admitted. “It shouldn’t have taken you saying that to know how strong she was. Lily’s strength was a virtue she had already shown to me just weeks before when Austin pulled that little stunt with the student orchestra to try to put an end to her show. Just moments after my argument with Austin, I recall how adamant Lily was about knowing every ugly detail of what he was threatening to do. She certainly had every right to know the exchange he and I had had, but I was apprehensive about hurting her. So, I can definitely understand your reluctance about telling Lily things. But, when I ignored my fears and shared with her what happened, she absorbed the blow, then found strength, just as you said she would. She then used that very same strength to create the most brilliant work of musical artistry I’ve ever seen.”