by Londyn Skye
The misery of the entire event had Lily ready to implode. Once Mary Jo and her father were gone, Lily finally felt courageous enough to escape J.R.’s field of view. Without glancing his way, she breezed past him and out the back door, trying to escape before her misery caused her to break down in front of everyone. Unbeknownst to her, J.R. continued to watch her through the kitchen window as she made her way into the woods in the distance.
J.R. turned from the window when he heard his father enter the kitchen. “Did you know Lily was pregnant?!” he demanded his father answer. Lily’s now noticeable belly had brought forth the current irritation in J.R.’s voice, as well as the intense glare he had penetrated her with throughout the day.
“Yeah. So?” Jesse replied nonchalantly while pouring himself another glass of gin.
“So? I thought you said you don’t want no damn pregnant house slaves workin’ in here?”
“I don’t.”
“So, you ain’t gonna make ’er abort that damn thang?”
“James is gonna sell it.” Jesse took a swig of his gin to remain calm, but felt the temperature rising in his veins despite it. “The fuck do you care for any damn way?”
“James!” J.R. huffed. “I knew he was the reason you’s lettin’ this shit slide. You let James take that nigga’ off this farm and sling ’er all ova’ every stage in the goddamn U-nited states! Then you just stand there and let ’em let Lily perform at that damn engagement party like she’s some pretty little princess! And now, you find out that she done got pregnant unda’ his watch and still you do nothin’ about it! Y’ur always lettin’ James call the shots! You act like that little shit can do no goddamn wrong! Me and Jacob couldn’t get away with half the shit you let ’em get away with! You’d’ve brought the hatchet down on us!”
“’CAUSE Y’ALL AIN’T JAMES!” Jesse tossed his shot glass underhand against the wall and shattered it. “Yeah, I treat ’em betta’ than you! Is that what you want me to fuckin’ admit, huh?” He grabbed J.R. by the shirt collar and pulled him close. “You wanna hear me say that he’s the only one ‘a you three little shits that I don’t regret havin’?! You wanna hear that I don’t think y’ur worthy ‘a bein’ my fuckin’ namesake?! Is that what you want?!” He finally shoved J.R. back. “You been jealous ‘a James since the day he was born! But y’ur a grown-ass man now, and it’s about damn time for you to accept that you ain’t as smart as he is! You’ll neva’ make the sort ‘a money he can make! You’ll neva’ get y’ur dick anywhere near the caliber ‘a women he fucks! You’ll neva’ be the sort ‘a man y’ur brotha’ is! PERIOD!” Jesse walked up and put a finger in J.R.’s face. “I’ll tell you right square in y’ur fuckin’ face that you ain’t shit compared to James! Neva’ have been … neva’ will be!”
J.R. just stood there with his lips pursed tight and his eyes squinted, finally feeling what his wife, Meredith, felt on a daily basis while he was verbally, physically, and emotionally abusing her. The insults made him want to cry for the first time in his adult life. The foreign feeling was stuck in his chest, held back by the lump in his throat. He stared his father down and swallowed hard to keep the melon-sized mass from rising out of his throat and erupting through his eyes in the most epic, unmanly, emotional breakdown of all time.
“Now, be a fuckin’ man about y’urself and deal with it!” Jesse demanded, continuing to squint his eyes at his son. “You come questionin’ my authority again, and I’ll beat the sissy outta y’ur fat ass! Now, get the fuck outta my sight!”
J.R. stared at his father for just a moment and then yelled to Meredith to get their kids ready, which had been his typical exit strategy since James had returned home. What had turned routine as well was James spending just a moment alone with Meredith, helping her into her coat, hugging her, and reminding her that she was smart, caring, funny, and beautiful. James never wanted her to leave without her hearing that she was an exceptional woman and mother, and that she and her children deserved a wonderful life. Meredith quickly found herself looking forward to their goodbyes. For hours, sometimes even days afterward, Meredith carried with her the rare feeling of being showered in the warmth of a caring man’s words.
After her moment alone with James, Meredith climbed into the wagon feeling uplifted, as was always the case when she left Jesse’s home as of late. She had a smile on her face while she sat waiting patiently for J.R. to finish securing the last of their belongings in the back. When J.R. was finished, he glanced over his shoulder and saw James disappear into the slave quarters. However, after being verbally assaulted just moments ago, he climbed into his wagon without bothering to say a word to his father about it. He kept his lips shut tight, snapped the reins, and rode away with the unrelenting hatred he harbored for his brother, and now for his father, in tow.
“Where’s Lily?” James asked Corrina after searching the slave quarters and not finding her.
“I think she went down to the creek.”
“Thanks,” he replied before he quickly trotted out that way.
“Lily,” James called out softly after finally finding her there staring out at the water.
She did not bother to turn around.
James walked up and gently turned her around as she wiped away a tear. “These shoulders were meant for those tears,” he said, tapping one of them. “Let me hold you for a while.” He opened his arms to invite her into them. She slowly stepped forward into his embrace and that’s exactly what he did. He held her for the longest time, allowing her tears to cascade silently onto his shoulder while trying to absorb her emotional pain with the strength of his arms.
For three weeks, Lily had already been dealing with the devastating blow of finding out that the rumors Julia had told her about Anna Mae, Ben, and William’s home were true. James embellished a little and said that Harrison told him the story. He left out the part about his visit with William for the time being. He wanted to wait to hear back from him and Landon before getting her hopes up about anything. His omission left Lily barely holding on emotionally after hearing nothing but the tragic part of the story. But now, after having put up with four torturous hours of J.R. and Mary Jo, Lily’s emotions had finally gone over the edge. She now stood in the woods at the creek just needing time to cry and mourn about everything in peace.
“In the midst of all this Mary Jo madness, I don’t eva’ want you to forget how much I love you, or that you’re the only woman I love … the only woman I’ve eva’ loved for that matta’. I’m terribly sorry about the fact that you have to deal with these ridiculous optics right now … I’m sorry about all ‘a this mess we’re in actually.”
“I know. I’m copin’ the best I can. But, some days, it takes every bit ‘a strength within me to keep from whuppin’ MJ’s pale, skinny ass.” Lily lifted her head from James’s chest and looked up at him. “Do you know that evil bitch hit me in the face with ’er bloody unda’wear?”
“She did what?!” James’s face twisted in shock and disgust.
“James, I swear to God, if it wasn’t for Julia calmin’ me down, I’s gonna commit a homicide right there in her bedroom!”
“I don’t think there’s a court in America that would’ve convicted you for it eitha’. God, Lily, I’m terribly sorry.”
“I ain’t one to rub my piano ability in anybody’s face, but it sho’ felt good to ruin her engagement party … damn good! I’d been itchin’ for a way to retaliate. That piano seemed the only way to do it. I’m so sorry I’s mean to you about it afta’ward.”
“It’s okay. You were right. I should’ve asked you first.”
“Yeah, but I still wanted to say thank you for doin’ that for me. I know you meant well. Felt like we was a team again, back to our old childhood pranks,” Lily smiled.
“That’s what it felt like to me too,” James smiled, happy to hear how she truly felt about that night. “We make a great team, don’t you think?” he asked, caressing her face.
“I couldn’t agree with you more,”
Lily said, giving him a peck on the lips afterward.
“Well, as a team, we’ll get through this MJ mess soon enough. We both have to help keep each otha’ calm, though, rememba’? Just let the little snot have ’er way for the time bein’, and we can vent to each otha’ when we’re near ready to explode. I’m workin’ to get us outta here. In a few more months, we won’t eva’ have to deal with ’er again. We just gotta find the strength not to ruffle her tail featha’s too much before then.”
“Okay, but I swear ’fore God, if she throws one mo’ pair ‘a unda’wear at me, I’m gonna strangle ’er with ’em,” Lily joked.
“So, I’m not the only one with that urge, huh?” James laughed.
“I’m sure we’re not the first, nor will we be the damn last!” Lily added.
They shared a much-needed laugh about the ridiculous web they were trapped in, feeling glad that they were at least trapped together.
James suddenly took a step back from their embrace. “While we’re on the subject of MJ, Lily…” He paused as his heart began to beat erratically. He exhaled and slid his hands nervously into his pockets before he continued. “If we’re gonna be married, I don’t think there should eva’ be any secrets between us. We should start off our marriage honestly.”
“I agree wholeheartedly,” she replied, staring at James and noting how extremely nervous he had become.
James dug deep and found the strength to look Lily in the eyes before he spoke. “Then I have to confess somethin’ to you about MJ.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets, held them out in front of himself, and sighed. “It’s not anything I eva’ wanted to do to you, but…” He exhaled and sighed again. “Lily, I betrayed you in the worst of ways. I slept with…”
Lily quickly stepped forward and silenced him with a very long, loving, gentle kiss on the lips. “You’re already forgiven,” she assured him after pulling back from their kiss and looking him in the eyes. “I forgive you, James … for everything,” she reassured him. “You don’t have to apologize or justify your actions for any rash decisions you’ve had to make in the heat ‘a the moment … not eva’ again. I trust that any ‘a the things you did with MJ were to protect me. Just like with everything else you’ve eva’ done for me.”
James was so mesmerized by her words, he just stood there in a speechless trance.
Lily stepped back a little bit, looked at the ground, and shook her head. “It’s the craziest thing. No matta’ what the situation and no matta’ how dark things become, I always have this little voice in the back ‘a my head whisperin’ to me about you,” she explained, touching her temple. “It’s always tellin’ me that you’re a good man, that you don’t mean any harm, and that all you tryna do is take care ‘a me the best way you know how. I can’t turn that voice off no matta’ how mad I get at you … But I damn sho’ try to ignore it when I’m angry,” she laughed. “When you brought me back here that voice was constantly screamin’ in my head that you’s just tryna do what you felt was best. I knew that voice was right, but I’s too damn mad at you to accept that truth. I hate myself for that. I’m appalled at my behavior, actually. I was holdin’ onto an unnecessary grudge and takin’ everything out on you, ’cause I just didn’t wanna accept reality. I wanted to keep livin’ like I’s in a fairytale, somehow believin’ we’s above havin’ to abide by the rules ‘a the real world. But eva’ since my motha’ spoke to me, I’ve now woke up, opened my eyes, and stopped tryna live in my fairytale. I’ve finally accepted reality. I’ve accepted that not everything is gonna be the way I dream it to be, and that there may continue to be times when my dreams turn into nightmares. My motha’ was so right when she said that, in the sort ‘a world we’re livin’ in, there’s gonna be things you’ll have to do or say that neitha’ of us will like, things we’ll both detest and feel deep regrets, guilt, or hurt ova’ … no matta’ how much you may care about me.” Lily stepped forward and put her hand on James’s chest near his heart. “So, I wanna help ease the hurt and guilt and regret you feelin’ inside ‘a here about anything you may have been forced to do, by tellin’ you…” She moved her hand to the side of James’s face and looked him in the eyes. “No matta’ what ugly sins you may have committed against me, past, present, or in the future, I’ll always love you, and you’ll always be forgiven, James Adams … always. No matta’ what. Because I know now for a fact that all the ugly things you’ve eva’ had to say or do have all been because you truly love me.”
“Damn right I do,” James whispered, his emotions causing his voice to crack and his eyes to fill with tears. After seeing the look in Lily’s eyes, feeling her gentle kiss, and hearing the words of her sincere forgiveness, the excruciating weight of his betrayal immediately fell from his back. His erratic heartbeat quickly returned to a normal pace after her healing energy raced to the core of his soul. Lily took his heartache, sorrow, guilt, and shame and obliterated it all. James gathered his arms around her and released his waiting tears, as her warm loving energy continued to close his wounds in a way that made them seem like they never even existed. “You’re truly a phenomenal woman, Lily,” James whispered in her ear as he held her, his stirring emotions evident in his tone.
Lily pulled back from their embrace to look James in his eyes. “No … I’m just a woman who believes in her man.”
James gazed at her with adoration. “Lily, I can’t tell you how badly I needed to hear that.” He pulled her close, and she snuggled into his embrace again and rested her head on his shoulder. “It’s like fuel for my soul,” he said, placing his chin on top of her head and exhaling a sigh of great relief.
“I should’ve said these things soona’. I feel awful that it’s taken me so long to say what I always knew was right. I guess it’s just taken me time to come to my senses.”
“It’s okay, ’cause that voice you say you have in your head, I have it too. It’s always tellin’ me neva’ to give up on us, Lily. No matta’ how despicably this world may treat us, and no matta’ how crazy things may get. Even with the odds totally against us. It just won’t let me give up. So, although I might make mistakes along the way, I just wanna assure you that I’ll keep fightin’ for us no matta’ what.”
“And I swear I won’t eva’ doubt that again.” Lily pulled back to look at her man again. “You don’t have to be afraid of us fallin’ apart anymore, James. I promise you that. You do or say whateva’ you have to do in this ugly world, to whoeva’ or with whoeva’, to keep us togetha’. With every fiber of my bein’, I trust that you’re only tryna do what’s right for me.”
“For both of you,” James replied, touching her stomach.
“For both of us,” she agreed with a smile.
James then stood behind Lily and gathered his arms around her waist. Lily leaned her head back on his shoulder, still smiling as they stared out at the water. “So, I can’t help but be curious about somethin’…”
“What’s that?” James asked.
“Just how awful was it to sleep with MJ?” Lily snickered, suddenly feeling the need to make fun of James’s misery. She then turned around in time to see a look of disgust overcome his face. She instantly broke out in laughter.
“Lily, it was horrifyin’!” He grabbed a handful of his hair and groaned. “It was … I mean, ugh,” he sighed. “I’d ratha’ have had those filthy unda’wear thrown in my face, let’s put it that way.”
Lily continued laughing hysterically. “Now that’s bad!”
“I couldn’t even … you know…” He motioned to his crotch. “I had to fantasize about you the whole time just to get it to work,” he explained. “I can’t think about the sight ‘a her bony little body without my stomach turnin’. Felt like I’s bein’ forced to sleep with a ten-year-old boy!”
Lily bent over, holding her stomach, howling with laughter as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I’m convinced that God was tryna punish me in the worst way he knew how. KARMA IS REAL!” He looked up at the sky and threw his hand
s up. “And it truly is a bitch! You’ve made your point almighty God!” he yelled, pumping his fists in the air.
Lily continued to show her amusement over his suffering for a moment longer and then finally collected herself enough to stand up straight again. “Oh, lord I needed that,” she smiled, wiping her laughter tears away and stepping forward into James’s embrace again. “I’m so sorry you had to suffa’,” she said, making a pouty face and snickering again.
“Oh yeah, I can really tell,” James replied sarcastically.
Lily smiled seductively. “Well, I hope I’ve helped to make up for your misery and sufferin’ since then,” she said, looking at him with lowered lioness eyes.
“Mmm,” James moaned. He pulled Lily in even closer as their past few encounters began erupting in his mind. “You damn sho’ have,” he whispered. He kissed her, pulled back, and shook his head while gazing at her.
“What’s that look for?” she smiled.
“All this time I’ve been so afraid to tell you what happened, and all my worries were for nothin’. I just…” He shook his head again. “I just can’t believe how free I am to talk to you of all people about what happened with MJ. It’s yet anotha’ thing that proves how rare and precious you are … and that I truly can talk to you about anything.”
“Of course, you can,” Lily smiled, toying with a lock of his hair. “What you had to subject yo’self to with that ol’ crazy girl doesn’t botha’ me even a little bit. Hell, I know MJ, nor any otha’ woman, will eva’ have the part ‘a you that really counts,” she said, placing her hand over his heart.
James lifted her hand and kissed it. “True words, Miss Lily … True words.”
“Besides, I have far worse things to worry about than MJ these days.”
“Still thinkin’ about Anna Mae and Ben?”
Lily nodded. “I feel like I’m strugglin’ to get ova’ it. But there’s times when yo’ daddy brings my mournin’ to a complete halt.”