Left foot planted.
Right foot planted.
Swing three times.
Turn left. Right. Up. Then down.
Finally, I settled my gaze on Cormac and nodded.
Cormac stilled, looked left and right, and then lifted his leg before tossing a fastball at me.
Straight.
Down.
The.
Middle.
I yacked it.
Hit it so hard it sailed over the fence and into the trees beyond the field.
“Boom!” I yelled, running the bases.
It wasn’t until I’d run all three bases and hit home plate that I realized neither of my closest cheerers were cheering me on.
“What the fuck?” I asked them.
Garrison was the one to speak.
“You didn’t celebrate like a lunatic. What the fuck else is wrong with you?” Garrison asked.
“Just had a bad day,” I said, shrugging.
My mind went to the other thing I’d tried very hard not to think about since I’d gotten the news, and I gritted my teeth as I handed the bat off to Cormac and picked up another ball.
“Get ready,” I ordered.
Cormac did, but Garrison stayed at my side and stared at me.
“What else? That’s not all,” Garrison pushed.
Knowing it was futile, that they wouldn’t stop until I’d said it all, I finally said what was bothering me the most.
Even more than all of the other stuff.
Last but not least and all that shit.
“And to top it all off, I figured out that my mother is in town…at our old place,” I said finally.
Cormac threw the ball at me, and I caught it before turning right around and tossing it at Garrison.
Garrison caught it, firing it right back at Cormac.
Guess he was done batting until we got this all out.
We did this for a long time while nobody spoke.
I thought they’d let it drop, but Garrison finally piped in.
“Why don’t you go confront the whore?”
I sighed.
“I have to go back to base in two days. So right now wouldn’t be a great time to go. Not to mention I’ll be leaving Ruthie here all by herself,” I answered.
“You want us to watch over her?” Cormac asked.
I gave him a look.
“And how exactly would you do that from three hours away?” I countered.
He shrugged.
“I can’t, but Garrison can,” he answered.
Garrison nodded. “I can check on her for you. Let you know if anything else happens to her. I can also talk to the whore for you.”
Garrison didn’t like my mother.
He was just as annoyed as I was that she’d given me up.
Mostly because he didn’t like to see his friends hurt or upset.
He was protective.
He’d taken the role of ‘protector’ when we’d been in foster care, and hated that he couldn’t protect us from all the shit that was thrown at us.
“I can’t even think about her right now. I’ll explore that when I get home. But you need to keep your nose out of her shit. I better not come back here and find out she knows I’m still here in town,” I told the two of them.
Cormac grinned. Garrison scowled.
“We’ll see,” Garrison finally agreed. “But you won’t be going it alone when you do get back. We’ll all go together.”
“How about we change the subject? Preferably to something that doesn’t make me want to puke,” I told them.
Cormac smiled.
Garrison snorted.
“We could talk about the fact that Cormac is going to try out for the Spark’s at the end of this month,” Garrison supplied.
I froze, ready to throw the ball to Cormac, and asked, “What?”
Cormac glared at Garrison.
“I asked you not to blab about it,” Cormac growled.
I blinked. “Why wouldn’t you want me to know?”
“I didn’t even want this fucker to know,” he pointed to Garrison. “I didn’t want you to go watch me tryout. Something I know for a fucking fact you’ll do now.”
I didn’t deny it.
We’d gone to every one of Cormac’s games that we could, and would continue to do so.
Why?
Because he was our brother.
And I wanted him to be happy.
And baseball made him happy.
“You should try out, too,” Cormac offered.
I shot him a look.
“I haven’t played in a real game since I was in high school,” I told him. “Why would I embarrass myself by going to try out for a professional baseball team?”
“You play games all the time,” Cormac defended.
I shook my head. “No I don’t. I play recreationally. There’s no competition in it. And I have a job. I don’t need another one.”
Cormac grinned. “You’re saying that woman of yours wasn’t competition?”
I held my tongue.
Because I knew whatever I said right then would somehow get back to Ruthie.
So I chose my words carefully. “Ruthie’s good, don’t get me wrong. But she can’t throw a hundred mile an hour pitch. Or hit so hard that it’ll go out of the park.”
“You’re just making up excuses for why you’re a pussy,” Cormac chirped.
I threw the ball at his face, and he caught it easily, firing it right back at me.
I caught it, picked up the bat off the grass, threw it up in the air, and hit it as hard as I could.
Garrison and Cormac both started to run, but they missed it.
It fell just over the top of their heads, having both men cursing.
Dropped balls meant laps had to be run, and I grinned.
“That’s right, bitches. Get to running!”
Chapter 11
Just got the new DVD: Hot Co-ed’s Try Anal 3. Do you think I need to watch the first two to know what’s going on?
-Cormac to Sterling
Ruthie
“What’s that?” I asked Sterling, pointing to this little stuffed fish on a keychain that looked like it’d been chewed on by a dog, yet Sterling didn’t have a dog.
“That’s Nemo,” he answered as he slipped his shirt on.
“Why does ‘Nemo’ look like he’s been put through a torture device?” I asked.
He shrugged.
“I got it from one of those Adopt A Soldier boxes when I was on my first deployment,” he answered, like it was something I should’ve known.
I looked at him sharply.
It was two days after what I liked to call the ‘fiasco,’ a.k.a. Sterling going head to head with a police officer.
I still couldn’t explain my reaction to it all.
Even now, two days later, I found it extremely sexually frustrating to watch Sterling fight for me.
I think that must’ve been what I found so arousing about it all.
That he’d actually gone to bat for me, so to speak.
He’d had my back, and he’d been willing to take on a man of the law to make it apparent that he would.
I’d thought he’d been fine about it all when I’d left to go to lunch, and he’d left to go to practice with Cormac.
Something had happened, though.
Something he wasn’t willing to talk about, yet.
I’d given him the space, trying to make sure he realized that I wouldn’t push if he didn’t want me to, but it was getting old.
“So did it come like that, or did it happen after you got it?” I asked, picking the thing up by one barely hanging on fin.
He snatched it out of my hand and shoved the entire thing into his pocket, glaring at me.
“I got it from some kid that said it kept him safe at night when he was younger, and he wanted me to have it since I wasn’t going to be safe.
I’ve carried it on every patrol, mission, and flight home since I got it,” he explained impatiently.
He was acting like he didn’t even want to be here.
And I was getting tired of tiptoeing around him, worried I might cause the beast to wake.
So instead of pushing, I didn’t say a word.
I wasn’t a confrontational kind of girl.
“Alright,” I said, nodding. “I’m gonna go for a run.”
I didn’t bother to ask him if he wanted to come.
I knew he had to report to the base today, and would most likely be gone when I got home.
But I was terrible at trying to figure out what was wrong with people.
I had enough of my own shit to deal with than to add other’s shit to my shit.
“Okay, see you later,” he said.
I shook my head and walked to the back door where my shoes were sitting.
I’d changed earlier to running shorts and a tank top, and hadn’t planned on running until after he left.
But it bothered me that I cared that he wasn’t being very nice, and I didn’t want to say anything I’d regret later on.
So my solution was to leave before he could say anything else that would upset me.
I managed to make it outside the back door and into the woods that lined the back of my house in less than thirty seconds.
Except when I passed the fallen tree that was about a hundred yards past my back door, I sat down and stared blindly at the ground beneath my feet.
I hated feeling sad.
And I was definitely feeling sad.
Pathetically so.
I think I was more upset with the fact that Sterling would be gone for two weeks rather than the fact that he wasn’t talking to me.
I hadn’t realized how much it’d bothered me that he was leaving after everything that’d happened.
He’d only been here for a few days, and he was already leaving.
A tree branch cracked somewhere behind me, and I twisted my back to look behind me, but nobody was there.
Brows furrowing, I got up from my log and started to walk back to my house.
Maybe if I just told him that I understood and that he could talk to me when he was ready, he’d know I was there for him.
He didn’t need me acting like a bitch.
He had a lot of things on his plate, and not all of those problems revolved around me.
Except as I arrived back at my house and walked inside, Sterling was gone.
I’d only been gone for ten minutes at most, but he’d left, and I had nobody to blame but myself.
***
“What’s your problem?” Lily asked me.
I looked up to find one of my best friends in the world looking at me like she didn’t know me.
“Sterling left,” I said finally.
There was no point beating around the bush.
I’d told her all about Sterling just a few days ago at my lunch with Sawyer and her.
They knew that I was in love with him.
“Why would he do that? Did y’all have a fight?” She asked worriedly.
I shook my head. “No. He has some sort of training and debriefing. He’ll only be gone two weeks…at least that’s what he said. But I didn’t leave things between us good, and I feel like shit about it.”
“What happened?” She questioned, sitting back twirling the fork on top of the table with one finger.
I sighed.
“Well, not much, to be honest. After I got back from lunch with y’all the other day, I came inside and he was just staring at the wall with a blank look on his face,” I said. “At first I thought it was just because he was alone, but he kept doing it for the next two days. Then he just sprung the training he had to do for two weeks on me out of the blue, and I was left reeling.
“This morning I was mad at him for not confiding in me what was wrong, so I left to go on a run knowing he was about to leave. And when I turned around to apologize, he was already gone,” I told her.
Lily nodded. “I think that an apology on your part will be good, yet I don’t see that you did anything wrong here. It seems to me that he just needs to work through his problems on his own, and when he’s ready to let you in on what those problems are, he will.”
I blinked. “That’s all you got?”
She smiled, her straight white teeth were revealed with the brilliance of it.
I couldn’t explain how happy seeing her smile like that made me feel.
I loved Lily.
She was my very best friend in the world, and I hadn’t seen her smile like that in a very long time.
I was glad she was happy.
“Let me tell you something about Alphas,” she said, leaning in closer to me.
I snorted, but leaned in, too.
“And what do you have to tell me?” I asked conspiringly.
“Alphas have some sort of switch in their brain that tell them that expressing their feelings is a weakness,” she said.
“Oh, this should be good,” Lily’s husband said, taking a seat beside me and throwing his arm around me. “I’ve gotta hear this. I might take notes.”
Lily ignored her husband, and I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder.
Dante Hail was the most awesome guy in the world.
And I’d met some awesome guys before, especially since I’d been in Benton.
He was the owner of a repo business, and defined what one would call ‘badass.’
He was tall with blonde hair, chiseled cheekbones, sharp blue eyes, and a friendly smile.
“So they don’t tell you what they’re feeling, not because they don’t want you in their business, but because they don’t know how to express themselves without appearing weak.” Lily continued. “Keeping their emotions in check – and to themselves – is something that’s naturally ingrained in these guys. They see emotions as a weakness, weaknesses make them feel inadequate. They don’t acknowledge them, and they certainly don’t speak of them, at least not easily…”
I smiled at Lily.
She really didn’t care that her badass husband was sitting there, listening to her talk about something that was probably a source of contention between them.
I’d remembered on many occasions while visiting with Lily during my incarceration how she’d say that her husband was being ‘bull headed’ and ‘stubborn.’
“What are you talking about, Lil?” Dante asked. “You’re giving her advice you know nothing about.”
“Oh?” She asked. “And how would you suggest she get the information out of him?”
“Honestly?” Dante asked.
Lily nodded
“Ask him. If you want to know, and he wants you to know, he’ll tell you. If he doesn’t want you to know, he won’t tell you. No matter what, though, what he’s not telling you doesn’t mean he cares about you any less. It just means he’s processing it. And when he’s ready to tell you, he will,” Dante informed us.
I snorted.
That sounded like Sterling.
“So did Lily tell you the good news?” Dante asked jovially.
Lily’s eyes went absolutely venomous.
“No,” she said through clenched teeth. “I haven’t.”
I blinked, surprised that she’d taken that tone with her husband.
“What’s up?” I asked them, looking in between the two of them like they were something fun and exciting.
Lily finally turned her eyes to me.
“We found out the sex of the baby.” she smiled, eyes happy. “And…picked a name.”
My stomach clenched.
Again, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for Lily and Dante…it was just that it was hard to hear about other people getting their happily every after’s, when I didn’t.
What was a gut punch to the stomach was what Lily said next.
“It’s another girl, and we’ve decid
ed to name her Jade Ruthann,” she smiled.
“Ohhh,” I whispered. “That’s beautiful. Congratulations.”
What were the odds that she’d choose the name that I was to use all those years ago?
I was surprised I didn’t choke on those words.
“I have to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” I whispered, hurrying out of the booth and hurrying to the bathroom.
Lucky for me that I didn’t have to go to the public bathroom.
Since we’d decided to have lunch at Halligans and Handcuffs, I was able to slip through the kitchen door and head to the back bathroom without anyone the wiser.
Well…kind of.
I knew Silas saw me.
He saw everything.
His eyes clocked me the moment I walked into the kitchen.
His office was set in the back of the kitchen, and he could see the door from where he was sitting.
He started to stand, but I shook my head at him and practically fell into the bathroom, slamming the door as I went.
I dropped down the toilet lid through tear filled eyes and stared at my hands as I dropped down on top of it.
God, it still hurt so bad.
I could practically feel the way her tiny body had filled my hands.
I’d been able to hold her for hours before they’d finally come for her.
During that time I’d given my police report, with her in my hands, under the devastated detectives’ sympathetic gazes.
I’d dressed her in her tiny newborn outfit that didn’t fit her in the slightest.
Wrapped her in the tiny blanket that I’d intended to cover her in as we brought her home from the hospital.
And I’d done it all alone.
Lily and Dante had been half way around the world where Dante had been stationed in Germany in the Army.
They’d married a week or two before I’d told Bender that I was pregnant, all because of Dante’s orders to be stationed at the Army base in Heidelberg, Germany.
I didn’t have contact with her in well over eight months, and I’d been so excited to introduce her to my daughter.
So I knew it wasn’t Lily’s fault.
She had no clue what was wrong with me- at least not from my own recounting.
Had no clue why I’d killed Bender…not really.
She hadn’t been able to make it home for the trial, and what little she did know about the entire situation was what I’d told her had happened.
Right To My Wrong (The Heroes of The Dixie Wardens MC Book 8) Page 12