“No,” somebody moaned.
It could’ve been me.
Garrison.
Sterling.
I didn’t know.
What I did know was that Sterling was about to fucking lose it.
I knew that with one look at his taut body.
The way he held himself.
The way his body rocked back and forth.
I turned to the bedroom, going straight to where I’d seen Sterling plug his phone into the wall earlier when we’d come into the room.
Then immediately pulled up the first person on his call list.
Loki.
I tapped his name and hit send, closing my eyes as I listened to Garrison’s shocked voice come to me from the living room.
Sterling’s voice wasn’t heard, but I knew…I knew he needed his family right now.
And they would come.
“Hello?” A grumpy voice answered.
“Loki,” I gasped in a tear filled voice. “I need you to come back over. I need you and anyone else you can get. Sterling’s about to lose it. Cormac’s dead.”
“Be there in five.”
Then he hung up.
I dropped the phone and ran back into the living room to see the door closing behind the trooper.
Garrison looked white as a ghost.
Sterling didn’t look anything.
He was just blank.
Which didn’t last for long when he stalked past me and into the room, returning moments later with his cut on over his bare skin, and the key to his motorcycle in his hand.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“Out.”
I stopped him by putting my back to the door, blocking it.
Although I knew it wouldn’t work very well, and that he could get past me easily, he stopped.
Mostly for my benefit, I was sure, but I couldn’t let him leave.
Not like this.
Not in this state of mind.
“Where are you going?” I asked again.
“To a bar. I need to get drunk,” he said stiffly.
I raised a brow at him. “Do you think that’ll help right now? Look at Garrison. Do you think he needs you to go drinking when he needs you?”
Sterling stared blankly at me.
Garrison snorted. “I can take care of myself; actually, a drink sounds pretty fucking amazing right now.”
With that he disappeared into his room that was off the living room, and returned moments later with a t-shirt on and his feet rammed into boots sloppily.
Sterling never moved, staring at me like he didn’t even know me.
I just knew this was a horrible idea.
A really bad, no good one.
These two didn’t need to go get drunk.
They could get drunk here…but not out where they could potentially ruin their lives…ruin someone else’s lives.
Then Sterling started towards me, and I knew instantly he wasn’t going to stop.
I moved out of the way, knowing if I stayed there he’d just move me…or plow right through me.
But then only seconds after the door was yanked open by Sterling, I heard the blissful sound of pipes.
Multiple ones.
Coming up to Garrison’s house fast.
I closed my eyes in relief as first Loki, then Trance, followed shortly by Sebastian pulled up into the front of Garrison’s house.
“Fuck,” Sterling hissed. “Motherfuck!”
I visibly cringed when Sterling turned his now very pissed off eyes to me.
My body slid behind Garrison’s porch post, and I hid my face so Sterling could no longer see me directly.
The light from the porch wasn’t on, and the streetlight only did so much.
Which meant he couldn’t see my tear filled eyes at what that look had done to me.
God.
This was horrible.
More bikes pulled up, and I finally felt it was okay to go into the house, knowing that they wouldn’t let him do anything stupid.
My feet took me into the kitchen where I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and took it into the bedroom that Garrison had given the two of us to sleep in.
I fell face first into the comforter, then cried my little heart out until I felt the bed dip.
I turned my tear filled eyes to see Sawyer standing there, with Lily behind her.
“Hey,” I croaked.
***
Two hours later, the tequila that Sawyer had been able to confiscate from the boys outside started talking.
“It’s my fault. Had the fire not happened…they wouldn’t have even been here,” I whispered to Sawyer and Lily.
Lily hugged me tightly.
“It’s not your fault you have psycho neighbors,” she whispered.
Tears coursed down my face, and I pulled away from her.
“It is. If I’d never had come…” I shook my head.
“If you’d never have come, I wouldn’t be here right now.”
My eyes closed.
Sterling’s voice sounded low and devastated.
Pain practically dripped from each of his words, but when I turned to look at him, he looked unaffected.
“What?” I asked. “Why would you say that?”
“Because you’re what kept me alive during that mission. You’re what had me going…I pulled every one of my team out of a hostile situation. Everyone but me was down…and you were the only one that kept me going. Your eyes. Your smile. Your voice. You. Had it not been for you, I, and all of them, would’ve been dead,” he explained softly.
The tears on my cheeks started to cool, and I looked at him wide eyed.
“You never said,” I whispered.
He shrugged as if it made no difference. “I’m not allowed to tell you. I’m not even allowed to tell you that I had a debriefing three days ago.”
And he was telling me now, because he didn’t want me to blame myself.
But I still did.
But it was obvious that I needed to be more careful what I said in front of him.
“Thank you,” I said. “Can I get you anything?”
“A new heart?” He asked, laughing humorlessly. “Mine seems to be broken at the moment.”
I stood up, feeling Sawyer and Lily slip their hands off my shoulders as I went.
Then walked straight to my man and wrapped him in a hug so tight that it would’ve broken any other person.
Not my Sterling, though.
He was solid.
Formidable.
Unbreakable.
“You okay?” I asked softly.
I could smell the whiskey on his breath.
And I was sure he could smell the tequila on mine.
“No…” he whispered into my hair as he wrapped his arms around me. “I’m not even a little bit okay.”
“I’m so sorry,” I breathed, hugging him even tighter.
He took the hug, and gave as good as he got.
“I’m ready to pass out and forget,” he said.
I looked up into his eyes.
“Okay. We’ll think about the rest tomorrow.”
Because there were plans to be made.
I’d already heard about him and Garrison having to go up to the morgue tomorrow and identify Cormac’s body.
Funeral arrangements.
I felt Lily’s lips on my cheek, followed shortly by Sawyer’s hug that captured both me and Sterling.
“Your girls are weird,” he rumbled once they left.
“They love you,” I told him.
He took a deep breath.
“Yeah.”
“Let’s go to bed,” I whispered.
Maybe tomorrow would look better, because surely one couple couldn’t suffer anymore…right?
Wrong.
Chapter 17
When a woman starts a sentence off with, “I just find it funny…”
That means you should run. Fast. Because nothing is remotely funny to her. In fact, it’s the exact fucking opposite.
-Words of wisdom
Ruthie
Two days later
I’d never been in a biker procession before.
Never seen the sheer perfection of it.
Never would I have thought that grief would just slip away.
Not permanently…but for now.
Which was good enough.
I’d take just about anything right now to make this heartache stop hurting…especially for Sterling.
His hand on my thigh tightened, and I looked up to see the hearse that was carrying Cormac’s body turn the turn signal on, then take a right into the cemetery where he would be buried.
We’d been going about thirty miles an hour for about an hour now, and I couldn’t say whether I was thankful or not that we were finally here.
The funeral had already taken place, and now we were following the hearse to the cemetery that would be the final resting place of Cormac’s body.
Garrison and Sterling had shelled out quite a bit to get him into this cemetery, supposedly it’d been a very popular one and people had to be put on a waiting list to get in there.
It wasn’t like it was a country club or anything, but if that was where they wanted, that was where they’d get.
We were the first bike of about seventy-five who pulled up into the parking spots directly in front of the gate.
A huge tent like structure had already been erected about a half a football field away from the front entrance, and I only assumed that was where we were headed.
“You ready?” Sterling asked me.
I nodded. “Yeah, ready when you are.”
He nodded and held out his hand for me to dismount, following suit moments later once I was standing next to him wearing my new dress pants and dark purple shirt I’d gotten at Target the day before.
Sterling was in his dress whites, a dilemma since he wasn’t sure whether he should wear his dress whites, or his dress blues.
Eventually, he’d called and asked, where we’d learned that he could wear either one.
And although I knew why he didn’t want to wear white for the overall feeling of the funeral, I still think he’d made a good decision with the whites since those had been the ones he’d been leaning towards.
Not to mention it was extremely hot and either one would’ve been uncomfortable.
Sweat was pouring down his face, and I could tell he was extremely uncomfortable.
“Come on,” Sterling said. “I want to get into position before they start moving him.”
I understood why he wanted to minutes later when he stood in a perfect salute, hand at a perfect ninety degrees.
Six of ULM’s baseball team members moved to the back of the hearse, and as one they hauled the casket from the back.
He stayed that way as the coffin was moved from the back of the hearse, down the pathway leading to the grave, and stopped once they’d reached the graveside stand that would hold the coffin for the remainder of the service.
My throat felt like there was a golf ball lodged deep in it, and I couldn’t help but study Sterling’s face.
He looked unaffected by it all, but I knew for a fact that he was affected.
Deeply.
This was the face that he showed the world when he didn’t want anyone to see what he was feeling.
The face that he’d perfected when he was a young boy trying to stay alive.
When the rest of the gathering finally gathered close, Sterling latched onto my hand, almost making me wince with his intensity.
“As we all gather here today, I’d like to go ahead and say thank you one more time for attending. This gathering by the graveside is a celebration. A celebration of Cormac and the beautiful life that he had.”
Sterling’s hand tensed, and I knew instantly what he was thinking.
Cormac hadn’t had a nice life, just like Garrison and Sterling hadn’t.
He’d had a shit life, and it’d ended too soon.
“His best friends have requested that they speak. Now, if you’ll turn your attention to this young man over here, we’ll get started,” the officiator said.
Sterling gave my hand a slight squeeze and let me go, moving up to the front for all to see him.
Sawyer took up one side of me, while Garrison took up the other, and together we watched as Sterling poured his heart out.
“Cormac made me promise that I would chop his head off and burn his body once he died so he couldn’t be brought back as a zombie,” Sterling said, looking down at his hands. “I thought I’d never have to tell him that I’d never do that for him, because zombies weren’t real.”
I closed my eyes as a tear spilled over my cheek.
The first of many.
“We didn’t do that, in case you’re wondering,” Sterling said, looking up at the crowd.
A small ripple of laughter coursed over the gathering.
I hated funerals.
They were so sad.
Everything about them made me sick to my stomach.
The crying.
The flowers.
The sea of black on all of the mourners.
Then there was the baseball team for ULM.
Every one of them was dressed in their baseball uniforms, and they held their hats in their laps as they looked down at their feet.
“I did wear this stupid uniform, even though it’s nearly a hundred and ten degrees out. He made me promise that I would wear a bright color to his funeral,” he said, laughing slightly. “Again, I never thought I’d have to worry about it. I always thought I’d be the first one to die.”
Garrison, at my side, made a choking sound, and I placed my hand on his, which he grabbed on to and held onto for dear life.
His body shook, and I wanted to wrap my hands around the big, scary man.
“Cormac, Garrison, and I were like The Three Musketeers.
“I had them, and only them, to depend on for a good part of my life, until I’d met the Dixie Wardens.” He said, leaning his head in the direction of all the bikers that were at my back.
Men who’d taken Sterling in and helped mold the man he was today.
“I thought we’d grow old together. Raise our kids together. Sit out on the back deck and drink beer. I thought we’d finally won when I heard he was trying out for a major league team…and I was going to ask the woman I love to marry me. I thought we’d won.”
My heart broke.
And as listened to the rest of Sterling’s eulogy, I knew that today would forever mark him.
Forever be a day in his mind that meant he’d failed.
But he wasn’t a failure, not even a little bit.
***
“Hello?” Sterling answered his phone.
Then his jaw clenched.
“Yeah, I can be there by nightfall,” Sterling answered.
I looked over at him quickly, and saw his eyes focused on me.
My stomach sank.
He was being called in for another mission.
Shit.
Then, right in the middle of everyone at the dinner after Cormac’s funeral, Sterling dropped down to one knee.
“I didn’t want to ask you this here…I thought I had more time,” he whispered to me. “But I need to ask you before I go…just in case.”
Just in case he dies, I thought bitterly.
“Will you marry me?” He asked softly.
My eyes watered, and I closed my eyes as tears started to pour down my cheeks in great torrents.
“Yeah, I’ll marry you,” I said, opening my eyes to take him in.
He slipped the beautiful ring on my finger, then moved until he was standing directly in front of me.
“We’ll get married when I get home,” he ordered.
I nodded. “Okay.”
“You’ll listen to
Silas…and the rest of them, okay?” He asked.
I nodded.
I knew he’d worry if I didn’t say yes, so I agreed, even though it bristled.
“You’ll make sure you answer my calls, no matter where you’re at,” he continued.
I snorted. “Absolutely I will. Like you’d get me not to.”
He moved forward and pressed his lips softly against mine.
“I love you,” he whispered.
I gave him the words.
Words that had come to mean a whole lot more to me lately.
“I love you, too.”
He turned without another word and walked out the door, stopping in front of Silas and Garrison.
“You’ll protect her.”
It wasn’t a question, but another demand.
Both men nodded. “You know we will.”
His head hung for five long seconds, then he straightened his back and walked out without another backward glance.
Into the dangerous world of a Navy SEAL.
Chapter 18
Some heroes wear a cape. Mine wear’s camo.
-Ruthie to a stranger
Ruthie
Day 4
I got the confirmation that he was where he was supposed to be.
That was good, wasn’t it?
You know what wasn’t good?
Being followed to my job.
And home.
And to the freakin’ bathroom.
That wasn’t good.
***
Day 12
Kraken (2:22): I’m okay.
Ruthie (2:22): Why does your name say Kraken?
Kraken (2:22): Because I’m the sea monster…or so I’ve been told.
Ruthie (2:23): The one that ruins everyone’s day?
Kraken (2:23): Funny funny.
Ruthie (2:24): How come I don’t know where you are?
Kraken (2:25): You’ll never know where I am.
Ruthie (2:26): Well that just sucks.
Kraken (2:27): You knew what you signed up for. You’re mine for eternity.
Ruthie (2:27): I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Kraken (2:28): Your loss and my gain. No take backs.
Ruthie (2:30): That’s not funny. I miss you.
Ruthie (2:35): Kraken, are you done with me?
Ruthie (3:22): I love you Sterling, come home to me in one piece or else.
Right To My Wrong (The Heroes of The Dixie Wardens MC Book 8) Page 17