“What? No!” I defended myself, way too over the top to be convincing.
“Mmm hmm, sure!”
“There’s not!” I protested again.
“Hey, baby girl,” Mickey approached us, “Thinking about calling it a night. Are you girls about ready to wrap it up?”
“Maura, you go on. I think I’m just going to head home.”
“Are you sure? Is everything okay?” she asked me. I hated lying to her. In a perfect world, I wouldn't keep a thing from her. In a perfect world, I would be riding back to the clubhouse with Jules.
“Yes, I just have to open up at the shop tomorrow that’s why I stopped drinking.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” she said as she got up and kissed me on the cheek.
“I need to make sure you make it to your car okay,” Mickey said and followed me out. I knew Mickey was keeping an eye on me for Jules and I wondered how much he knew about us. I had a feeling it wasn't as big of a secret as I would’ve liked.
***
There were hardly any cars on the road as I drove towards my apartment. I kept a careful watch on my rear view mirror to make sure I wasn't being followed. After all, ever since Antonio told me he knew where all my family was at all times, I needed to make sure I wasn't being followed. Sometimes, I doubted that he always had eyes on me, but I didn’t want to take any chances. I also needed to give Maura a head start, otherwise they would’ve seen me right behind them.
Once I made sure that an ample amount of time passed and that no one was watching me, I headed to the cabin. The drive leading to the cabin was dark. Gravel crunched under my tires and my headlights were the only thing that illuminated the cabin as I pulled up.
I closed the car door and nervously walked up. I smelled the smoke from his cigarette before I spotted the red glow. He was leaning against the side of the cabin, watching me. I felt like his prey. Maybe I was, but I didn't mind it, not from him.
“It’s about time,” he said with a lightness to his voice, letting me know he wasn't serious.
“I could leave,” I playfully said back.
“You’re not going anywhere. Get over here,” he beckoned and I couldn't help but walk straight into his waiting arms.
“Hi,” I said looking up into his cool blue eyes.
Jules grabbed a piece of the blonde wig I was wearing and moved it between his fingers. “This is cute, but I like your hair down.” He pulled it off and laughed at me when he saw the cap I had on underneath. “Well, this isn't sexy at all,” I joked as I peeled it off.
We walked into the cabin that was, for the most part empty and void of furniture. “There’s a bathroom right here,” he motioned to the first door down a hallway.
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and went to work removing bobby pins. By the time I pulled the last pin free, my hair was wild. I turned on the faucet and wet my hair trying to tame it and noticed something about myself in the mirror. The girl staring back at me looked happy, and not just this is fun happy, but deep down to my soul happy. I looked like the girl I remembered before I had the weight of Antonio holding me down. I had this glow to me that made me feel like where I was, in this cabin, in the woods with Jules, was exactly where I was supposed to be.
Once my hair was finally tamed, I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room. “Jules?” I called out, because I didn’t see him.
“Back here,” he called from what I was guessing was one of the bedrooms. I tried the first door and it was just an empty room, so I moved to the last door and turned the knob.
Jules had a large, brand new black comforter that he was laying on top of a bed. I could tell it was new by the packaging off to the side. There was no frame holding the mattress in place, only a mattress and box spring set in the middle of the room. Several large black pillar candles were lit on each side of the bed.
“Jules,” I barely got his name out before he made his approach. His vest was off. He wore a crisp white t-shirt and his jeans hung low. His feet were bare and I could hear the softest sound of them padding across the hardwood floor.
“Babe,” his raspy voice gave me goosebumps. “Watching you tonight work that room and enjoying yourself had me needing you, then you took care of me, but I still need you. Tonight, I want you here all night. Forget about all of your hang ups and stay with me,” he spoke his words softly and kissed me on my neck. His words were vulnerable and beautiful. He needed me. How could I deny this man? How could I deny myself?
“I’m not going anywhere,” I reached up and ran my hands through his hair and my eyes caught his. He held my gaze. I saw so much in his eyes, even if he wasn't saying it. I’ve never had a man look at me quite like he did.
Jules kissed me softly on my lips, taking his time. He undressed me slowly, kissing every inch of my olive skin along the way, and then he laid me down and made the sweetest, most perfect love to me.
***
Jules and I did our best to see each other as often as we could but he frequently had to go out of town for “club business”. Sometimes, he would have to deal with the Blue Valkyries. Other times, he would just tell me it was for the club and he had to go. I missed him when he was gone, but it made keeping us to ourselves a little easier. I felt desperate to have him for as long as I could. I convinced myself often that it was better to have this time and love him, than to never know what it felt like to be loved by him. I knew that something bad was going to happen but I couldn't help myself.
Every time I would think that maybe Antonio was not interested any more, I would get a text that would say something like, ‘soon’. Emotionally, I began to feel drained and then Jules would return from his work-related trips and he would tell me how much more he wanted from us. It was starting to feel like a cycle and I was being spun in circles.
It had been ten days since I had seen Jules last, and I barely got any text messages from him. I was laying in my bed when I got a text from him that told me to go to my door. I wanted it to be him, but I also knew that it was risky for him to be at my place.
I opened my door and there he stood. His hair had grown out a little and he needed a shave. He had his leather on with the Devil’s Crusaders insignia, well fitted worn jeans and black boots. I ogled him but only for a second before I dragged him into the apartment and my lips were on him.
We backed up to the couch and I rid him of his jacket and shirt. In between kisses, I mumbled, “I missed you.”
Jules quickly moved on top of me and hovered. He was bare-chested, but I wanted him naked. His demeanor changed and his body became more rigid. “If you missed me, then remind me again why the fuck we’re keeping us a secret? I keep going over your reasons, and it’s starting to feel like bullshit. All I want when you're away from me is to haul your ass to the clubhouse, where you belong, with me. All the time. Out in the open. Not coming to me like I’m your dirty secret.”
“Jules, please don’t think that. You’re not my dirty secret, not at all. Please don't ruin this time we have together. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” I pleaded, my voice was filled with regret. What kind of woman was I, making him feel like I was ashamed of him? I didn’t want that, but I couldn’t tell him that so I asked for the intimacy he could offer. “Please make love to me.”
Jules looked torn. “Is that what this is, making love?” he asked, with a bit of edge.
Shit! Why did I use those words? We've never said those words to each other. “You want me to make love to you, Jenny, or do you want me to fuck you? I can fuck you, but I don't really think you want me to love you.”
His words cut. My heart was aching and I felt horrible for what I had been doing to him. Jules wasn't done though, holding himself above me with one arm he used his other arm to push his jeans and boxer briefs down. I was in my panties and a tank top, since I was already in bed. He pulled my panties down over one hip and I lifted a foot to free myself. I was excited because he would be inside of me soon and I missed him, but I was a
lso hurt by his words.
Jules didn’t attempt foreplay; he barely kissed me. This wasn't like him, but I realized how much of a toll this was taking on him. I wasn't prepared for him as he pushed his hard length inside of me. He didn’t make love to me like I asked. No, he fucked me. Since I wasn't ready, it hurt when he thrust in, but my body responded and begged for more.
He was more distant than he’d ever been and I wondered if time away was what he needed to reflect on us. I couldn’t help but meet him halfway and rock my hips back and forth as he thrust into me. If he wanted to give me angry, I would give it right back. I wasn't angry with him, but I was angry at the situation. I kissed him hard, our lips nearly bruising each other. He gripped my thigh and lifted my leg giving himself more access. I clawed at his back, dragging my nails downwards. Jules let out a noise that was half pleasure/half pain and he returned my heated attack by grabbing me by the throat. It wasn’t meant to hurt me. Just a simple amount of pain with pleasure as he gave me a tight squeeze. He let me go and then he flipped me over.
“On your knees,” he ordered.
I listened and was braced over the arm of the couch as he pounded into me from behind. I screamed out both in bliss and pain. I both loved it and hated it. He felt amazing, but he didn’t feel like my Jules. He gripped my hips and pushed in hard and fast. Then he withdrew and came all over my ass. I didn't come. This wasn't about me. I felt slightly used, but more than anything I felt like he was punishing me. Could I really blame him? He was feeling like my dirty secret, who just rushed over to fuck me. I felt like I was the dirty one, soiled with guilt.
I got up from the couch and didn’t even look at him. I closed the bathroom door behind myself, grabbed a black towel to wipe off his cum and then I sat on the bathroom floor and cried.
Chapter 9
I sobbed so heavily that I barely noticed the door to the bathroom opening. Jules was in his black boxer briefs. The muscles on his thighs flexed when he bent down and scooped me up into his arms, “Don’t cry. I’m sorry.”
My tears were causing him guilt. I could see it in his face as he looked at me. On top of making him feel used and not good enough, I was making him feel guilty.
Jules carried me into my bedroom, laid me down on my bed, slid in behind me and held me tight. “I’m so sorry, Jenny,” he whispered against my neck.
I pulled away from him and sat up to face him. “No, Jules. You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re right. This whole thing isn't fair to you. You deserve to be with a woman who can openly see you. I’m the one who is sorry.”
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. Truthfully, I don't know when it happened, but I did love him. It would be even more unfair to him. I couldn’t have him and I knew it. I was being selfish when I went into his room and every time that I met him. Even though I loved him, a part of me was starting to hate myself for what I was doing.
He nuzzled his head against me and placed a sweet, gentle kiss to my ribs.
That place deep in the back of my throat burned, telling me that what I was about to do was going to hurt like hell, but I knew it needed to be done.
“Jules, I think you should go. It’s not right that I’ve asked you to keep us secret and it’s not fair to you. I’m letting you off the hook.” I felt Jules tense around me.
“You’re trying to get rid of me as soon as things get real. Is that what you’re doing? I’m not like the boys you’ve dated that you can easily dismiss as soon as things don't go your way,” Jules said and pulled me back to his body, laying me down. I wanted to fight and tell him he was wrong, but Jules had this way about him, so when he told me to go to bed, that’s exactly what I did.
I awoke the next morning with the sun streaming through my windows. I was warm, too warm. Normally, I kicked the blankets off of me in my sleep, but I was completely covered. I sat up, disoriented and then I saw Jules walk out of the bathroom wearing just those boxer briefs that I loved. He strolled towards me, like waking up in my space was a normal thing. It was anything but normal.
Panic started to set in. What if Antonio noticed his bike here all night long? I couldn’t brush this off as a haircut. What have I done?
Selfish, that’s exactly how I felt.
I threw the blankets off of me, hopped out of bed and began rifling through my overstuffed messy drawers. I had my blue satin panties pulled up and had one leg in my black yoga pants when Jules hooked an arm around my waist.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Jules, you stayed the night. You can't stay the night. What if someone sees you?” I hated saying this to him, especially after last night but I couldn't help it. I put my other leg in my pants and pulled them up.
“Jenny, stop,” he grabbed me by the hands and walked me over to the bed pushing me down so that my butt backed up to the edge. “This hiding crap has gone on long enough. I’m going to talk with your family and help them see that what we have is a good thing. You and I; we work. I’m not going to let you hide me anymore. I’m done living in the dark with you. I want to be able to take you out when the sun is shining. I want my brothers to know how much you mean to me, and I don't want to have to sneak in your place after hours to see you after I’ve been gone. Missing you is bad enough, but to come home and not have all of you? That's over. It’s time to step into the light, let everyone know.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed for the strength to do what I couldn't do last night.
I opened my eyes and Jules was staring at me; his eyes were darting back and forth searching mine to see if I could give him what he wanted.
“No, Jules.”
“What do you mean, no?” he asked, the hurt laced in his words.
“I mean, we have to end this. We’re not talking to my family about us because there can’t be an ‘us’. I’m sorry, but I need to say goodbye to you.” My lip quivered and I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. I didn't need him to see any more tears.
“What? That’s it? After months of us together, you’re just going to throw us away? Like what we have isn’t the most amazing thing to ever happen to us? You know it, and I know it. This is bullshit, Jenny. What are you afraid of?”
Oh God, if he only knew what I was afraid of. I wanted to tell him everything and that I was putting him at risk by being with him, but I knew Jules wouldn't let that end us and I couldn’t risk more people I cared about getting hurt because of me. I straightened my shoulders and did my best to act tough. “I’m not afraid of anything, Jules. We were supposed to be fun and this isn’t fun anymore.” I turned away from him, grabbed a zip up hoodie, and slipped my feet into my pink Chuck Taylors.
I was hoping with my back turned that he would walk out the door and leave me, but he didn’t. He walked up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders, and leaned in so that I could feel the scruff on his face.
“When I walk out that door, Jenny, I’m finished. I don't know what game you think you’re playing with me, but I’m done being your toy. This wasn't ever about ‘fun’ for me. Before I leave, I’m going to tell you what you just threw away. You threw away my love. I’ve never given it away before and right now, I’m wishing like fuck I didn’t give it to you.”
His words stung. My throat constricted and somewhere deep inside of me I felt like I was making a huge mistake. It was like I was going against everything that was good and right. I was betraying him and my heart. My stomach felt tight and I felt nausea sweep over me. I stood with my back to him, and prayed for the strength to not turn around. I heard a sigh, and then he was gone.
Oh God.
No.
What have I done?
Tears were rolling down my cheeks fast. I couldn’t let him leave for good without him at least knowing that he meant something to me. I suddenly felt manic like I had to reach him before it was too late. Everything else aside, perhaps I should just put my faith into Jules, tell him that I love him and leave it up to him to keep us safe? I took the stairs two
at a time. I needed to get to him. I thought I could let him go. I thought I was doing the right thing, but this was all wrong. I hated hurting him. I can't do it. I can't have him leave like this. Antonio be damned! We have to figure this out. There has to be a way.
I ran out of my apartment and headed towards the back of the building where he would have parked his bike.
“Jules,” I called his name trying to get him to stop and turn around. He had his back to me and his leg lifted to hop on his bike. He paused, lowered his leg to the ground and backed his bike up without turning it on.
He pulled up in front of me and I was about to spill my heart out.
“Jenny, what are you doing?” Antonio’s cold steely voice came out of the shadows. I felt my body freeze and I was reminded of all of the evil that Antonio promised. He walked over to me swiftly and put his arm around me and nuzzled into my neck, “I’ve been trying to call you baby. Is everything okay? Is this guy bothering you?”
Chapter 10
I watched the expression on Jules’ face harden. His eyes seemed darker as they darted between Antonio and me.
“Jules, wait! It’s not what you think.” I got a look from Antonio that told me I needed to keep my mouth shut, and I realized that Antonio could kill him right now. No one was around and I was certain Antonio would be carrying a gun. He always did.
“Baby, I don’t understand what’s going on with this guy. Who is he?” Antonio asked, knowing damn well who Jules was. How could he not? Jules had his patch on letting everyone know he was a Devil’s Crusader.
“It all makes sense now. Every last bit of it,” Jules spat out, shaking his head. He started his bike and the rumble of his pipes drowned me out as I cried “No, Jules! No!”
He drove away, leaving me in the monster’s arms. I was beyond devastated. My tears felt like they would never stop. I began sucking in shallow breaths.
“I told you not to be with anyone, Jenny. I told you what would happen.” Antonio turned me towards him and gripped the sides of my arms.
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