I settled down as my tea was placed in front of me.
“Yeah, there had to be fifty or so bikes. It went on forever,” Samantha chimed in.
“Who do those greasy Crusaders think they are, anyways? They are nothing but a bunch of mongrels if you ask me,” Mindy said adding to the conversation.
“I know. They come through town and hold up traffic. It’s absurd. The police should do something about them,” Samantha said again.
“Good thing no one asked you,” I spoke loudly. I know I was not supposed to care about the club any longer, but Mindy put me on the defensive, and I couldn't help but wonder why there were so many bikes.
“Did anyone see that dress Dina had on at Church the other day?” Elizabeth asked.
“OMG, it was so gaudy,” Kristine added her two cents.
“Pu-lease, if you can't afford a decent dress what right do you have to go to church,” Mindy said looking affronted at the idea of a non-designer dress at church. I let my mind drift from their meaningless chatter. I hated these women. They were not the type of women that I wished I could be having tea with. If I could be spending my Friday any way I wanted, it would be going to an art gallery and then going to eat at my mom’s house with all my nieces and nephews over for dinner. I would call my real friends Aubrey and Maura and have drinks with them. Or better yet, they would be at my mom’s house and I would be having fun and laughing. I miss the days I could laugh with my friends.
Every so often, Maura would try to call me, Antonio would always answer and always tell her I was busy. I think deep down they know that I’m not in a good relationship, but they are afraid to say anything like they might push me away further.
“One of those biker girls came into the salon I was in the other day,” Samantha says taking a large drink of her Martini.
“The nerve!” another of them let out a gasp.
After running into Big Titty Rhonda in my home and then hearing these women insult the club, I can’t take it. It is all too much. I was only here fifteen minutes or so with these ladies and I can't do this another minute longer.
“Do you know what? I think I’ve had my fill of all of you today,” I say standing tossing my napkin on the table and pulling out my phone.
“Louis, I’m no longer in the mood for tea,” I say in a clipped tone as I walk away. They knew this didn't bode well for them. It was about status to have tea with me. These women’s husbands thought that their wives being invited to tea would mean something for them in Antonio's organization. Mindy was about to find herself very uninvited. Antonio taught me to teach other people about their place, and it was time she learned hers.
“Everything okay, ma’am?” Louis asks as I slide onto the backseat of the town car.
“It’s fine. You wouldn't for going to the diner, would you?” I ask hopefully. I want to see Gino. I knew it was early and he wouldn't be there yet, but it felt good to just be in the same space as people I once hung out with. It made me feel some semblance of normalcy.
“No ma’am not at all,” he says politely.
The diner hadn’t changed much since I was a girl. It sits in the heart of Little Italy. A large Italian flag is painted in the front window. Inside, red, green, and white is the prevalent decor. Samuel, a sweet elderly man, is perched on the same stool at the counter that he is always perched on. Nicole, one of the waitresses, is fluffing a young kid’s hair at a booth. His giggle is the most innocent sound. Smells of rich coffee blends brewing waft through the air and two older women chat animatedly over pie.
I take a seat at the counter and Louis sits in a booth. I think he knows I like my space, because I’ve never had to ask him to give it to me, he just does. Erin, the other waitress on duty, walks out from the kitchen, grabs the coffee pot, fills Samuel’s coffee and makes her way over to me.
“Hey, Jenny girl. How the heck are you? Haven’t seen you around much,” she cracks her gum and sets a water down in front of me.
“I’m real good,” I say looking down at my water. I used to do Erin’s hair and I swore she would be able to call bullshit on me, “Is Gino working today?”
“No, your mom called him off for a few days. You know…with the funeral and all.”
I’m completely confused. “Funeral? Who died?”
“Girl, what rock have you been living under? It’s all over the paper. Aubrey’s father-in-law died of a heart attack. Dropped dead right on Main Street. He was on his bike at a stop sign. Here see for yourself,” she said setting the local newspaper down in front of me.
I gasped. On the front page was an older picture of The Devil’s Crusaders. A younger looking Daws has his arm thrown over Maura's shoulder. Seeing Maura is just a reminder of how much I miss my beautiful friend. It’s funny how friends can sometimes make you feel so whole and you don't realize you needed them in your life until they are no longer there to fill it. Next was Mickey, his head is thrown back in laughter. Seeing his Irish charm brings back so many good memories. Then there was Patrick and Draygon and finally, Jules. Jules looked like he was observing them. I could see his dimple letting me know whatever was going on that he found it humorous. Jules wasn’t always the most talkative, but he had this way about him where he didn't need to say much to be heard. Underneath the picture was an article explaining the death and life of Draygon Matthews. His wake would be today and his funeral tomorrow. He is survived by his wife Adriane, his son, Dawson, and his daughter-in-law, Aubrey.
I finished reading the article and was shaken. My hands tremble. Jules! Oh, that man. Just seeing his picture puts a vice grip on my heart and makes it squeeze tight. I didn’t think I had it in me to feel this much of anything anymore, but seeing his face brings me right back to how much I ached when he drove away from me those years ago. On the outside, I knew I needed to hold it together. I had lots of practice being married to Antonio, but on the inside, I had an ache that I couldn't describe.
It pained me to know that I’m now so far removed from my family that no one would tell me about Dray’s passing. I don't talk to Aubrey any longer, not for her lack of trying, but anytime she would make plans there would be something else I needed to do I also didn't want her to see through me and so I pushed her away until she was gone. Same with my mom and my brothers. They tried. They never gave up, but I think this past Christmas with me only sending gifts and a note made them finally see that I’m lost to them. They’re all better off without me. Still, not hearing about this from them hurts. I wanted to be there for the people I loved. My mom grew fond of the old man. This I knew before Aubrey and Daws were married as she straight up told me, “I’m fond of that old biker. He isn't as hard as I would've thought.” I wanted to be there for Daws and Aubrey, Ari and Gino and mostly, for Maura. I knew she would be devastated. Deep down in a place I wanted to pretend didn't exist, I ached to find out about Jules. Would he come for the funeral? I knew it was wrong to want to see him, but I would be willing to do just about anything to see the man’s face that I’ve dreamt of for years.
After several minutes with the newspaper, I put my mask back on and order a salad. I eat quickly and signal for Louis that I’m finished. Nicole and Erin both say goodbye after I pay and leave a generous tip.
“Louis, I’m going to need you tomorrow. My family is attending a funeral and I would like to be there,” I say as we drive back to my home.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea? You know the boss doesn't want…”
I cut him off, “I’ll deal with my husband.”
“Very well. What time should I collect you?”
“Be here at nine am.”
***
I knew that approaching Antonio was not going to be fun. I needed his permission. It is risky asking him and it will come with a cost, a steep one, but I'm willing to pay.
I knock softly on the door to his study and enter the room after I hear him say, “Come in,” His voice is abrasive and direct, letting me know that he isn't in the best of moods. I briefly p
ause to collect myself because he scares me, then I walk into the room.
“What do you want?” he asks getting straight to the point.
“Aubrey’s father-in-law died. I need to be at the service tomorrow for the children.”
He sits with a scotch in front of him and his feet kicked up on the desk. This desk used to be Carmine’s, and now Antonio kicks his feet up on it. Carmine would never have been okay with that, but knowing that Antonio is the reason he is dead, seeing him kick his feet up on the desk is just another show of disrespect. “Do you think it would be wise of me to let my wife go to my enemies funeral?” I didn't think of it like that. I knew the Italians were no longer in business with the Devil’s, but I never knew they were enemies.
“I’m sorry. I didn't know,” I say lowering my eyes to the ground.
“No, I suppose you wouldn’t.”
“I’m sure that I will be safe. Ari and Gino need me.”
I lift my eyes momentarily to see if I can get a read on him. He is tapping the side of his scotch glass and the side of his mouth tilts up. He’s going to agree and I’m going to pay. I can see the sick gleam in his eyes.
“Go to my room. I’ll be up in a few.”
“So, I can go?” I ask making sure it’s clearly spelled out.
“Yes, you may go. Besides, if the club takes you out, it might just be the reason I need to go to war.” I lower my eyes again and walk out of the den and up to his room.
Where my room is light, his is dark. Red velvet curtains shield out any light. Black satin sheets are perfectly tucked into the corners of the bed. The room is meticulously clean, and any evidence of his earlier activities is long gone.
I stand in the center of the room and undress. There is nothing sexy about me taking my clothes off. It’s a chore, rules I must adhere to. I climb into the middle of the bed and lay down. I know what’s in store for me, and if it wasn't for me wanting to be there for the people I care about, I would not be here.
I watch the clock on the wall as minute after minute passes by. I know making me wait is part of his game. He thinks the longer I sit in fear, the better it will be for him. I’ve learned to control my fear.
Antonio enters the room wearing his suit and tie and begins to take off his tie as he walks over to me. He sits on the side of the bed and ever so slowly takes off his clothes. If he wasn't a monster, I would say he had a nice body. But he was, so even though he was well-built, tanned and groomed, nothing about him did anything for me.
Today, he does something different than the many times before. He reaches into his opulent side dresser and pulls out a large knife. The blade shines and his face reflects into it. I’m scared and doing my best to control my body from trembling. I won't cry. I learned a long time ago to not do that. Antonio has used his hands on me during sex, but nothing like this.
“Going to see them is going to cost you, Jenny,” he says as he lays on top of me and sucks my nipple into his mouth. I don't do anything. I don't react one way or another, I just lay here as images of the first time flash through my mind.
“Take off your wedding dress. I want to see you naked,” Antonio said as he stood in his bedroom that he recently remodeled in Carmine’s old house.
“You’re sick. I hate you,” I seethed.
The back of his hand connected with my face. I fell to the floor and braced myself for the next blow as tears streamed down my face.
“God, you make me hard when you cry,” he said as he unzipped his pants, then pulled his cock out and began stroking it.
“Why? Why me?” I screamed from the ground afraid, but so completely angry.
He laughed at me, a sound that was filled with evil. He approached me and kneeled on the ground in front of me, continuing to stroke himself.
“Take off your dress.”
“No,” I said putting up a fight and looking around the room to see if there was anything I could use to defend myself.
Antonio came at me and fast. He flipped me onto my stomach and put one hand against my throat holding me in place and squeezing the air from my lungs. His other hand began ripping my dress open from the back. I was surprised by his strength and even more surprised when he put his weight on me trapping me in place. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. Each breath was harder to take than the one before. My vision started to blacken and he would loosen his grip just enough to keep me conscious.
Once he had my dress off, he let me go. I thought for sure he was going to rape me and I was momentarily relieved.
“Please no!” I begged, my voice strained to say anything else.
At my pleading, he smiled and he began to touch himself again. “Oh Passerotta, you want to know why? Since it’s our wedding night, I suppose I can give you this as a gift. You see, I’m not all bad,” he said smiling then continued, “You were so young when your dad died, but he used to be very close with my old man. My father was his friend on the outside, but inside Dad hated him. Every time Carmine would ask the two to do something, your father always bested him. Dad couldn't show him he was pissed, so he would come home and take it out on me and my mom. Carmine had your dad kill my father. Did you know that? Happened in my living room. Slit his throat. My mom found him. Do you know what that does to a woman? Do you know she killed herself? Then, Carmine favored Gus over me. Me! I worked my ass off for that man even though he killed my dad. I took Gus from him. I know your dad would roll in his grave if his precious Jenny was with me, so I vowed to take you too. Here you are. You’re here, because I knew I could take Carmine; I knew I could take Gus; and now I have you. Your mother and your brothers will have to watch you as my wife, and that my dear is the best retribution I can think of. Plus, you’re feisty. Now spread your legs, while I consummate this marriage.”
I could’ve fought, but I was helpless. His words haunted me right down to my core. There was hate lacing them. I had no doubt that he would kill me and everyone I loved. He was fueled by anger and revenge. It was a volatile mix. I knew if I fought he’d only get off on it more, so I did as he asked and I spread my legs.
The blade slicing my skin brings me back to reality. It isn't deep, just enough to burn and bleed. The blade moves from my hip towards my breast.
“Antonio, please!” I scream, something I hadn’t done in a long time. At my scream, he pushes himself inside of me and begins to move. It hurts. I’m not ready for him, I never am. I can feel the blood trickle down my skin and I close my eyes.
I shut it down. I can't think of anything at this point. I just have to breathe, close my eyes and pretend to drift away. Maybe I’m a feather floating in the wind, being swept away from all of this, from everything bad, everything that hurts me. Maybe if I pretend that he isn't hurting me, I’ll land somewhere safe.
Chapter 13
Hundreds of motorcycles line the cemetery. They are parked in rows of fours. It’s a river of chrome surrounded by green grass. People are milling about their bikes waiting for the service to start. The cemetery is so full that we have to park on the street outside of the cemetery’s gate. “I’m shadowing you,” Louis says to me as he helps me out of the town car. “I’ll stay out of view, but I’ll have eyes on you.” I wouldn't expect anything different. I nod and walk with the sea of people to lay a good man to rest.
Men and women, quietly walk towards the grave wearing black and mostly leather. The Devil’s Crusaders insignia is proudly on display on hundreds of men’s backs. I never realized how many members there are, but I see different chapter numbers in the corner of the vests, so the operation must be much larger than I could have ever imagined.
I feel oddly overdressed wearing my black Manolo Blahnik’s that keep digging the dirt. My black vintage lace dress is classy, but overpriced and it keeps sticking to the cut along my side that is red and inflamed. I’m hiding under a large black hat and sunglasses. My hair is tied back in a tight bun. I hate my appearance. I hate that I’m dressed like this at Dray’s funeral. It feels somewhat disrespectful. I
approach the group of people and see Adriane, Dray’s wife, sitting in a chair by the grave site. She is bent over at the waist crying loudly. Aubrey stands behind her and is rubbing her back. Daws is staring at the grave looking lost. Ari walks up and tucks her arm around Daws’s arm. She curls into him and gives him support, looking beautiful even on this sad day. I see my mom a few people back with Gino standing proudly at her side. My brothers are even further back in the crowd shaking hands.
“Hey, Mom,” I say as lean down to give her a hug.
“What a nice surprise. I didn't expect to see you. How are you? You look thin,” she says observing me.
“I thought I should be here for Ari and Gino,” I turn and ruffle Gino’s dark curls, “Gino, I came by the diner yesterday to see you that’s how I heard or I would’ve been at the wake yesterday. I know how hard these things can be,” I say grabbing his hand and squeezing it. “How are Aubrey and Daws?”
My mom answers, “Aubrey is doing good, but Daws is a wreck. I think it’s hard for her to see her man so torn up.”
I nod. I feel out of place. I don't see my family much and I know they don't understand it. I feel like, in keeping them safe I have somehow betrayed them, but I know that this is what's best.
“We’re going to visit dad’s grave when this is over. Come with us?” Gino asks.
“Yeah, I’ll come.”
“After the service, everyone is going to Benny’s. Grandma and Ari made a ton of food,” Gino says with a hopeful look. I hate that he feels like he needs to be that way. I should just be able to go. Antonio said I could come to the funeral, but we didn’t discuss anything further. I look at my nephew and decide that consequences be damned, I’m going with them.
“I wouldn't miss it,” I say smiling at him.
“Is Carlo here?” I ask my mom.
“No, that husband of yours has kept him in New York for far too long. I swear that man of yours wants to keep everyone from me,” she says pointedly.
“Mom, not today. Okay?”
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