“Please, I love them. Make it easier on them?” I plead in a softer tone hoping he will do this for me, even though I’m not sure I deserve his kindness.
“Shit, babe,” he says softer. “I got so much rage. I’m so angry, but not at you. You didn't do this.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in close to him. My head rests on his chest and he strokes my back. “Gus isn't on you. Your brother knew who he was working with. He took that on. He brought that to your door. You didn't ask for it. For any of it. It’s not your fault,” Jules says in a soft gentle tone, a tone that comforts me and lowers my guard. Maybe being angry at him didn't give me the chance to let it out.
I begin to cry.
I cry for everything Antonio’s taken from me.
Jules lays me down in his bed. His sheets are slightly rumpled but he pushes them aside and pulls his comforter over me. “Rest, babe. I’ll talk to them,” he says and kisses me on my temple. I close my eyes and let the tears seep out.
A little bit later, the doctor comes in to see me. I was right. I didn't need a stitch, but he did clean up my side with antibiotic ointment and dressed up my wound. He was sympathetic, but methodical and I was glad when he left.
I laid on my side and continued to feel it all. It’s not my fault, that’s what he said. Those words play through my mind. My tears are a steady flow, purging all the wrong that’s been done.
Sometime later, I hear the door open. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here like this, but I relax when I feel my mom behind me. She strokes the side of my head, the way she used to when I was a little girl, and soon I drift off to sleep.
***
I blink my eyes. The room is dark and it takes me a minute to get my bearings. I am alone in Jules’ room. I never imagined when I woke up this morning that I would be waking up in Jules’ room. I turn on the bedside lamp and notice how different his room is now. There are no pictures on the wall and hardly any books. Any trace of me is gone from his room. I wonder when he came back? I wonder where he’s been and how he came to be the president. I check the clock and see that it’s a little after midnight. I stand up and feel dizzy. Did I eat today? I’m not even sure. Feeling my lightheadedness, I decide that it’s about time I start taking care of myself.
I walk down the hall and into the kitchen. It’s quieter than I would expect from the clubhouse, but today is the day they buried their president, so perhaps it’s as it should be. There is a Coke a cola cooler that is lit up and it gives off enough light that I don't bother finding the light switch. I’m not sure I’d know where to look anyways. All the times I’ve been here, I haven’t spent much time in the kitchen.
I am about to open the refrigerator door when I hear something that stops me in my tracks.
“Really, Jules? This is bullshit? She just shows up and bats her eyes and you start an all-out war?” A woman’s voice that I don't recognize says angrily.
“Alayna, I know you don't get it, but this what I gotta do,” Jules says back calmly.
They don't say anything for a moment and I think I should announce my presence. I can tell now that they are just on the other side of the large stainless steel fridge, perhaps in the hallway between the bar and the kitchen. It’s industrial and massive in size, so I’m not surprised that they don't see me. I begin to retreat, hating that I’m overhearing Jules with a woman. Of course, he is with someone now. I thought I was all cried out and that I couldn't feel any worse, but there it is, Jules moved on. I’m embarrassed and hurt. I don't have the right to feel that way, but I do. Before he figured out my truths, he kissed me. I guess I just thought that there was something still between us. Maybe there is, but there is definitely something between him and Alayna.
“Stop,” Jules commands. I freeze and then realize he isn't talking to me. “Alayna,” he says softly and I can't bear anymore of this. I back up more and bump into a stainless steel table. It scrapes against the floor and makes a loud screeching noise. “Shit!” I hiss out.
“Who’s there? Jenny?” Jules says flicking on the light and coming into full contact with me.
“Double shit,” I mutter because standing in front of me is a beautiful biker chick. Her hair is red, and not like it was just done in a salon, but natural and amazing, flowing in long curls down her back. Her cheekbones are high and her eyes, the most brilliant shade of emerald green, are currently squinting at me. She has a Harley tank on and her arms are toned. This woman has hips and an ass. She is perfectly curvy, yet perfectly in shape. I know Jules loves that. Once upon a time I could have competed with her, but not anymore. Now I lack my curves, but it’s not just that, I feel like I lack myself. Every bit of who I was feels like Antonio took it away. So maybe he did win.
“I just came out to get something to eat. Sssorry,” I stutter then retreat further and into the hall.
“Jenny, stop!” Jules calls after me. I don't stop instead I scramble to get back to his room, but then I hesitate at the door. What if this is her room too? It didn’t look like it belonged to a woman, but who knows. Maybe he doesn't even stay here anymore? Maybe he has a place with Alayna? My mind is racing with every possibility as to whom Alayna is to Jules. I am frozen, not sure what to do.
“Dammit, Jenny. I said stop,” Jules says from behind me. I should’ve just gone into his room and worried about everything else later.
I turn and face him not wanting to look like the complete coward I am, “I’m sorry I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I guess I just figured you weren’t with anyone. It caught me off guard.”
“Why would it surprise you? You think I’d still be pining away after you? After all this time?” There he is, the pissed off angry Jules from earlier.
“No, it just surprised me, that’s all,” I say through gritted teeth, his anger towards me is making me angry in return.
“Why?” he asks arrogantly.
I lose it. I don't care if there is an audience or not, I lose it.
“Why? Why you ask? You’re right. I didn't expect you to be waiting for me. Maybe somewhere I had hoped you’d see through everything and come to my fucking rescue, but you never did. You know what you did? You knew that there was something I was keeping from you and you assumed that I didn't love you as much as you loved me. Maybe I didn’t trust you with the truth. I was trying to keep you alive. The things I endured to keep you safe were so bad, but I did it. I did it because I needed to keep everyone alive. Who really cares if I’ve been living my life as a dead woman for the last two years? No! Not you. You left and have found someone else. So good job, Jules. I was shocked, you’re right, but I guess I shouldn’t have been.” My anger is rolling off of me and maybe it’s misplaced or maybe I never admitted to myself how much I prayed he would save me, but I begin pounding on his chest. “You didn't come for me!” My tears roll down my face as I pound even harder, “You didn't come for me.”
Chapter 15
“Babe. Baby, look at me,” Jules says grabbing my arms. “I’m sorry, so sorry. I’m a mix of emotions, I’m not acting right. I’m not treating you right. The last thing I want to do is hurt you more. Alayna and I had a thing, not serious, but I was just telling her that we didn't have a thing anymore. I guess I saw you and for a second I wanted you to know how it felt every time I saw you with Antonio. I know it’s not right. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. You’re right. I should’ve figured out something wasn’t right. I should’ve known better. I want to pretend that I didn’t hear you say some of the shit he did to you, because I got so much rage. All I want to do is go half-cocked with a gun right now and hunt him down. Baby, I’m sorry. You need to hit me. Do it. I deserve it. Hurt me, babe. You bleed. I bleed. I’m cut so deep right now. Fuck!” he bellows out. “This morning, all I knew was that I was burying one of my closest friends. Hell, Dray was practically a dad to me. Then, I saw you and I lost my mind. I should’ve known. I should’ve fucking known.” Jules manages to pin me in his arms and open the door at the same time.
I hate seeing that I hurt him and that I am making him feel guilty. “Jules?” I let out softly, “I love you. Always have. It hasn't changed. You didn't know.”
“Come here,” he says pulling me towards his bed. He moves the pillows on his bed and taped very low against the wall is the drawing he did of me. “Whenever I’m here, I fall asleep looking at you. I’m not over you. I couldn't get over you if I tried. That, out there with her, was a distraction. I shouldn't have rubbed that in your face; and I will never get over knowing you needed a motherfucking crusader and I had my head up my ass.”
“Don’t, what I said,” he cuts me off not letting me finish.
“What you said was right. It was the truth.”
This is all too much for me so I deflect, “Where is my family?”
“With all the kids, we decided it was best to bring everyone to Dray’s. We got cameras on them there and a bunch of guys watching the perimeter. They’re safe. Daws and Aubrey are over there too. Nothing is going to happen to them.”
“How did they take it?” I asked.
“Your brothers, understandably, wanted to kill Antonio. Your mom was sad.”
“When I was sleeping she came in and held me.”
“I know, I sent her in. Knew you’d need your momma.”
“Thank you. I did.”
“Maura wanted to come in here too, but I asked her to give you time. Figured you dealing with everything else was enough,” and he was right. I had a lot I needed to talk with Maura about, and bleeding my heart out to Jules was about all I could handle today.
“Thanks for that too. Did you talk to Carlo again?”
“Yeah. He made it to your aunt’s house, and he’s got Marcella with him.”
“Thank God,” I mumble.
“Just so we are clear, I didn't tell your brothers in front of your mom. I told Carlo and I’m sure he’s going to tell the rest of them. He needed to know what he was really up against.”
“Did you tell him about Gus?” I ask gulping down my fear.
He nods, “Ain't gonna sugar coat it for you, babe. He freaked the fuck out.”
“So, what now? What happens next?”
“Now, we feed you.”
***
I open my eyes and think about the last twenty four hours. After Jules fed me, he brought me back to his room and held me. No kissing, hardly any touching, just embraced me. Maybe that’s all we would ever be again, two people who loved each other once.
I shift and feel his body heat. Although I’m still emotionally exhausted, for the first time in forever, I’m waking up next to Jules. This makes me smile. I’m facing the wall and move the pillows low, so I can see the picture he drew of me. I rub my fingers over it, tracing the lines of his pencil, like I imagine him doing.
Bang! Bang! Bang! Loud banging at the door startles me. Jules springs up from the bed and shocks me by pulling a gun free from under the mattress. “Jules! Got company.”
Jules throws open the door and Mickey is standing there, checking the magazine on his gun. “How many?” Jules asks.
“I don't know. Gunshots fired out front. I wanted to get the girls on lockdown.”
Maura saunters up beside her dad and also checks her gun, “Oh no ye don't, baby girl,” he says in his thick Irish accent.
“Dad, I’m not sitting this out,” she says. “He messed with the wrong chicks.”
“You want to be helpful, I want you in our room, locked in the bathroom, keep the gun on the door and don't open it unless it’s me or Jules,” Mickey orders.
Jules grabs a knife and another gun that he tucks in the back of his pants.
Pop, pop, gunshots fire with in the clubhouse.
“Take her,” Mickey orders Maura.
“Hold up,” Jules says and pulls me into a kiss. It’s rushed, we don't have time. The gunshots are getting louder, but it’s hard and soft and everything that I remember that I love so much about Jules, all right there.
“Be safe. Go!” Jules says with his gun raised like he is in combat mode. Mickey follows him down the hall in a similar manner.
Maura says to me, “Stay close and stay low.”
I do as she says and follow her quickly to her room. She locks the door behind us and we make our way to the bathroom. More gunshots echo throughout the clubhouse. I’m scared, but moving on adrenaline as we hurry into the bathroom. Maura flips the lock on the door and then says, “You okay?”
“No,” I answer honestly.
“They’ll be okay,” she says.
“I wouldn't be so sure about that. Drop the gun,” I hear Antonio’s sinister voice before I see him. He moves from behind the shower curtain and is holding a gun. It’s aimed directly at the back of Maura’s head.
Maura freezes and drops the gun.
“No!” I shout and watch in slow motion as he presses his finger against the trigger. I slam into him with all of my might knocking him into the shower wall. He doesn't get a shot off, but he bumps into Maura and she hits her head on the bathroom sink. I’m struggling with Antonio. He punches me hard in the face. “Always liked it when you fought,” he says.
I lift my knee and connect with his nuts. He groans but has enough energy to slam me against the wall. Maura, somehow, undoes the lock on the door and grabs her gun. “Enough!” she yells. Antonio doesn't listen but pins me to the shower wall with one hand and a gun in the other. “I’ll kill her before you get a shot off!” he sneers, then continues, “Back out of here now!” he orders her.
She’s conflicted, I can see it in her eyes. She is afraid that if she walks out the door if it will be the last time she sees me. I can't let him hurt her too. I give her a look and move my eyes to outside of the bathroom, “Go!” I try to scream, but he tightens his hand on my throat.
“You’ll kill her if I leave,” she says.
“I’ll kill her if you don’t,” he says tightening his grip on my throat. I can feel a blood vessel burst in my eye. He’s strangled me before and this grip isn't just to make me pass out.
Maura hates seeing me hurt, and she mouths ‘I’m sorry’ as tears roll down her cheeks. I hear her run towards the door. The gunshots get louder with the door open to the rest of the clubhouse. “I should fuck you right here one last time,” he says lowering the gun and rubbing it with his hand against my pussy like he thinks it will turn me on. “That’s what you want isn't it you, little whore?”
“Please,” I beg moving my lips, but no sound comes out.
“What’s that? I can't hear you are you begging me to fuck you, my little Passerotta,” he says loosening up on my throat and bringing his face closer to mine. “Say it again. Beg me.”
I open my mouth again like I’m going to say something and he moves his head in even closer licking his lips as he does. This is my shot. I slam my head into his nose. It hurts and stuns me, but I don't have time to register the pain. I lift my knee and this time I connect his with his hard tiny dick. The sick fucker. The gun slips from his hand as he grabs himself in pain.
“Fucking bitch!” he hisses.
I scramble away from him. I'm fast, but he grabs my ankle. I fall to the ground almost out of the tiny bathroom. He tries to pull me back to him again. I use my other foot to kick him in the face. I don't have the strength to fight him.
“I’m gonna kill you, you cunt,” he yells again.
“Over my dead body,” Jules says as he shows up in the doorway with a gun aimed on Antonio. Jules doesn't hesitate. He fires off a shot, but Antonio dives to the left, crashing against the shower wall and getting a hold of his gun. Antonio fires off a shot at Jules and I watch Jules drop to the ground, halfway out of the doorway. I can't let this son of a bitch hurt Jules. Jules ducks again and fires off another shot and I’m tucking myself tight under the sink trying not to get shot. Then, I see something I can use. Fuck this. Fuck Antonio. He’s not hurting anyone else on my watch. I grab a hold of the porcelain toilet tank cover and with all my might and as fast as I can, I slam
it into Antonio’s head. I do it once and it cracks. The gunshots stop. I do it again with the broken piece still left in my hand.
“No!” I shout out at the top of my lungs, “Never again!” I hit him again in the face, blood splatters, but I’m numb to it. “You’re never hurting someone I love again!” I scream. I lift my arms to hit him again and I feel Jules wrap his arms around me, stopping me.
“Babe, you did good. It’s over.”
I’m still gripping the tank cover when everything registers. I look around and see the destruction. “It’s over?” I question as if the blood around me isn't enough evidence.
“It’s over,” he says taking the remaining shards of porcelain from my hands.
“Boss!” Three men in suits rush in the room with guns aimed at us. I lock eyes on one and see that it’s Louis. A look of softness flash in his eyes when they meet my own. Jules lifts his gun and aims it at the men. “It’s done. Your boss is gone,” Jules says. The men surround us with their guns raised.
Louis moves so that he can see Antonio. Things happen fast. It’s a blur of movement and a flash of a gun going off, and then everything is dark.
Chapter 16
They say the mind does strange things when faced with a life or death situation. The mind can block it out, rationalize it, or it can let fear seize it. For me, it wasn’t the bullet hitting me and then lodging itself into Jules that really did it. It was a culmination of things. A perfect mix of fear and pain shut my mind down for two whole days. Fifty-seven hours to be exact. Fifty-seven long hours for my family, including my mom, to learn all of the cold hard truths about my marriage. Maybe it was a blessing that for fifty-seven hours, I didn't have to witness their pain. I didn’t have to see Jules’ reaction when he stormed my mansion and found picture upon picture of how Antonio stalked me over the years. Then there was the evidence. A collection of bloody nighties from a series of horrible nights where Antonio made me bleed. Maybe, at first, I was revenge to Antonio; but after everything, I think I became more of an obsession. Fifty-seven hours of people I love learning my hell and then having to let it simmer while wondering if I would wake up.
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