Hurt You

by Abby Mccarthy

  I wake up this morning, much like I did the day before. I’m at my mom’s house sleeping in an upstairs guest bedroom. She is fussing over me. Hoping that I will snap out of the near catatonic state I’m in. It’s not that I’m not aware of everything, I am. It’s been two weeks since everything has gone down.

  Apparently, Antonio wasn't as dead as I thought he was. He managed to fire a shot at me, hitting me in the shoulder, it passed through me and hit Jules. Louis saw what was happening and fired off a shot into his boss’s head, muttering, “Hated that son of a bitch.” It was all too much for me. Forget that I was shot in the shoulder. Once I saw that Jules was hit too, I Iost it. I shut down. Even though I regained consciousness, I’m still not back.

  Jules came by a lot in the beginning. His injury only made me feel worse. I hated what Antonio did to me, but I hated that my problems affected so many people. Two men from outside chapters were shot and one of Jules’ men. They’re alive, but Michael, Jules’ guy, barely made it. I shudder to think what would’ve happened to Jules had Louis chosen differently.

  I hate the hurt I put Jules through. I hate everything that I’ve inflicted upon him. I feel like if I had stayed away from him, he wouldn't have gotten shot. Sure, I was shot too, but he didn't deserve it.

  Did I deserve it?

  I guess that’s the real question. Rationally, I know that Antonio was a sick man, but I can't help but feel like all of the carnage is somehow my fault.

  I hated pushing Jules away, but it had to be done. He was sweet, as sweet as a biker could be, and slept on the couch downstairs. I wouldn't talk to him. I wouldn't look at him when he was in the room. I was horrible, but I hated everything bad that happened. He left a few days ago after filling me in that they think they figured out how Antonio got into Maura’s room. Before he left he climbed up next to me on the bed and kissed my cheek as I turned away from him.

  “I’m trying babe, but I’m running out of ideas. So, I’m gonna go and give you some space. You say the word and I’ll be here,” he kissed me on the cheek and left. That was it, the last I heard from him. I missed him. I hated that I did, but missing him after everything I went through with Antonio was a place I felt comfortable. I was used to missing him. Somehow, I felt like I deserved to feel the ache of missing him. I would eat and bathe, but that was methodical. I could handle that.

  ***

  There is a knock on my door, I say nothing and ignore it. A moment later, Aubrey walks in. She has changed so much in the years since she first sought refuge in my mom’s home. I didn't know it when she first arrived, but she had her own demons. When she first moved here, she did a bad job dying it brown to hide from some sicko. Now Aubrey's hair is so shiny and blonde. She looks so much happier now than the woman she was. I wonder if I’ll get there one day.

  “Hey, hope you don't mind that I just came in,” she says sitting on the edge of the bed. I don't respond. I just stare out of the window. “It’s a nice day out today. Would you like me to open the window?” She doesn't wait for me answer, she gets up, undoes the latch and opens the window. “You know, you might think that there is no way that anyone can understand what you are going through, but I can. I know it’s hard to let people in. I know you don't want us to know what you’ve been through. I gotta tell you. We’re all hurting watching you sit up here and suffer alone. So, I’ll tell you what? I don't want you to be by yourself, so I’m going to come over every day. I brought something,” she says and fishes out Cosmopolitan from her bag. She opens the magazine to a page I can tell she had pre-marked and begins reading. “Untamed Va-jay-jays, Guess what sexy style is back?” Aubrey reads the article and old Me would’ve found this amusing, but this Jenny, she can't bring herself to smile. When Aubrey finishes the article she sets it down next to me on the night stand. “Read this, if you get bored,” she says then sighs, “I know this is hard. I know more than most, believe me. Just do one thing today. One simple thing. Go in the bathroom, take a shower and then put on a little makeup. I know you. I know it will make you feel a tiny bit better. Then, if you’re up to it, get dressed and come downstairs. No one will expect anything from you. You can sit and be quiet, or talk if you want. If you do this, then tonight I will fish for details from Daws about what's happening with Jules and how Antonio got into the clubhouse. I’ll be back tomorrow to fill you in. Can you try?”

  I don't say anything to her request, but I think about it. Shower I can do, but face my family? I’m not so sure. She stays for a bit longer and holds my hand. I don't fight her on it, I find comfort in it. I lay in bed for a few more hours and do nothing. I stare at the ceiling, then out the open window. It’s a nice day and I can hear the noise from the real world; cars driving by, a garbage truck, kids playing, even birds are chirping. It’s alive out there.

  Semi-raised voices from the hall take my attention away from aimless staring. “Shh, Gino. She’ll hear you,” Ari says.

  “I don't care. I hope she does. It’s bad enough she’s barely been around and now this! I’ve already lost my dad. It’s like she’s dead in there,” Gino says angrily.

  “I know it’s hard, but give her time,” Ari says trying to take some of Gino’s anger away.

  “Time to what? Sit there like she’s not even living? She just fought some sicko, and for what? To let him win after he’s gone.” I can hear Gino’s door slam and I’m left sitting here with a few more tears I didn't know I had left.

  What am I doing to him? He’s right. He’s been through enough. I need to get my ass in gear and fake it until I make it. That’s what they say, right? Gino has lost too much to have to feel any more pain.

  I shower, and do just like Aubrey asked, and put on a little makeup. It’s nice not to have to go to the extremes Antonio expected of me. I take a few deep breaths and decide I need to do this. I need to be strong. I open the door to my room and notice that the downstairs is quiet.

  I step down the last step and see Ari and Gino sharing headphones with an earbud in one ear each. They are listening to something. Ari is slightly swaying and then she begins singing Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley. I freeze in my tracks as I watch in awe. She is lost in the lyrics with her eyes closed. She can’t see the look on my face, but if I’m in awe, then Gino is completely enamored. I watch as he takes the earbud out of his ear so that he can hear her better. Her voice has a rasp to it that is like silk flowing over your skin. I too close my eyes and listen to her beautiful voice sing lyrics that mean so much to me.

  She tied you to a kitchen chair

  She broke your throne and she cut your hair

  And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

  Baby I’ve been here before

  I’ve seen this room and I walked this floor

  I used to live alone before I knew you

  I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch

  And love is not a victory march

  It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

  Well there was a time when you let me know

  What’s really going on below

  But now you never show it to me, do you?

  But remember when I moved in you

  And the holy dove was moving too

  And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

  Maybe there’s a God above

  But all I’ve ever learned from love

  Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you

  It’s not a cry you can hear at night

  It’s not somebody who has seen the light

  It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

  Quick flashes of our time together play before my eyes: me cutting his hair, the lake, the cabin, the clubhouse, the sweet kisses, the hard kisses, the overlook, the stars, the bike, drawing me, our love. Ari stops singing and she is still feeling the music with her eyes closed. I know that it’s finished, yet it with it ending it brings me so much clarity.

  When Antonio bit me, Jules was there. When I was at my lowest Jules was there and when I needed
saving in the end Jules was there. Jules was always there. I pushed him away but he was everything I ever wanted, but was afraid to have.

  I mouth ‘I love you’ to Gino as soon as he makes eye contact with me then I walk up the stairs to my room. I find my phone in the nightstand where Jules put it, power it on, then hit send.

  “Jenny?” Jules voice is like velvet, so smooth and thick when he answers the phone.

  “Hallelujah,” I whisper out.

  “Babe?”

  “Hallelujah,” I say with more conviction.

  “You okay?” he asks with concern

  “Yeah. Come and get me.” I say and press end on the phone.

  I move about quickly throwing clothes into a backpack. I hear the rumble of Jules’ bike as it pulls up. He doesn't wait to be let in my mom’s house. He walks straight in and calls, “Jenny.” I hurry down the stairs and walk straight into his arms, not caring that there is an audience. I wrap my arms around his waist and he hugs me tight, both of us avoiding our left sides that were injured. After several moments, he pulls from the embrace and puts one of his strong callused hands on each side of my face, then presses his forehead to mine.

  “Hallelujah?” he questions softly, so softly that only I can hear while staring into my eyes searching for an answer.

  “Hallelujah,” I say nodding my head.

  He must like what he sees when he looks into my eyes because the next thing he does is crash his lips hard against mine. This isn't the type of kiss that I’d want my mom to witness and I noticed her for a moment watching us before his lips landed on mine. No, this is a, I’m bleeding all of my hurt out, but showing you how much I love you kiss. It’s hard as his lips hit mine and then soft when his tongue enters my mouth. We twine our tongues then release for a moment. He sucks my lip and then continues kissing me harder. Both of us are so filled with emotion, every feeling goes into the kiss; regret, guilt, sorrow, but mostly how much each of us loves the other.

  Tears leak free from my eyes because I’m so filled with emotion. That song struck such a chord with me, because he was my Hallelujah. I wouldn't have been able to get through the last few years without him. I was married to a monster, but Jules was always in my heart, giving me strength to get through each day. I know looking into his eyes, I can't go through another moment without him.

  He pulls back from the kiss and wipes the tears from my face, swiping them away with his thumbs.

  “Are you with me?” he asks.

  “I’m with you Jules. You bleed, I bleed.”

  “God, I fucking love you,” he says and then kisses me again. This kiss isn’t the same as the first. We purged the bad and only had good to offer each other. This was a kiss that held promise. My promise to him is that I will be his, I will trust him to take care of me, and I will never let him go again.

  With me in his arms, he walks me out the front door of my mom’s house and deposits me on the back of his bike, exactly where I belong.

  ***

  It’s late in the evening, weeks after I came to my senses and opened myself up to Jules. We’re sitting outside under the twinkling white lights that intertwine the grape arbor in the backyard at Mom’s house. There is a warm breeze in the air that causes me to fan myself.

  “Babe, gotta say don’t mind watching you sweat,” Jules whispers into my ear.

  He is sitting behind me with one of his legs propped up on the metal frame of the outdoor table. “We can't leave yet. I’m winning,” I say picking a pile of cards up from the gin rummy pile.

  “She only thinks she’s winning,” Marcus says from across the table.

  “She’s beat you the last two games,” Vito adds.

  “Only because I have a slight buzz. I have it this round though,” Marcus says picking up a card from the pile and setting another down.

  “Oh, you wish,” Aubrey joins in from across the table, “I got it this time.” She lays her cards down in a pile and says, “Gin.”

  I groan, because I was close to winning. We tally the points and deal another hand. Daws lights up a smoke and I hear an annoyed mumble come from Aubrey. I know she has been trying to get him to quit. Aubrey has really been there for me and is helping me work through everything that has happened to me. I owe her so much. I don't know what I would do without the love and support I’ve received from her and my entire family.

  “How much longer?” Jules asks.

  “Jesus, brother. Relax,” Daws chides Jules.

  “It’s hot and I’m dying to get her home,” Jules says, and I can’t help but grin at him.

  “Come on, man! She’s my sister,” Marcus looks at Jules in a I’m still her brother unapologetic way.

  “No one is going anywhere yet,” Mom declares through the open kitchen window, “I have tiramisu.”

  “Sorry, Ma. I didn’t realize. Your tiramisu is the shit,” Jules calls back and begins to rub my side.

  “Language,” she scolds

  “Sorry, Ma,” he says again. Almost as soon as we settled as a real couple out in the open for everyone to see, he started calling my mom, Ma. It felt like a promise. It felt good. Sunday dinners with Jules in my family home felt real good.

  “I’m going to help her. Does anyone need anything?” I ask as I get up from the comfortable spot in between Jules legs.

  I get a few tilts of almost empty beer bottles, signaling the need for a refill, and I walk inside. Mom is bent over inside the open refrigerator and is pulling out a tray of tiramisu.

  “What can I do to help?” I ask.

  “Oh, you didn't need to leave the game. I could’ve brought everything out,” Mom sets the tray down and opens a cupboard, reaching up for plates. I grab a few beers from the fridge, rolling one on my neck to cool from the summer heat.

  “He’s a good boy,” Mom says, halting me before I walk outside.

  “Don’t let him hear you say boy!” I say wide eyed in a kidding way.

  “No, I’m serious. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have you back,” she gets tears in her eyes.

  I set the beers down an embrace her. “Mom,” I look at her sympathetically, “I’m sorry I put…”

  She waves her hand in front of my face and cuts me off. “No, I didn’t say that so you could feel guilty. You have nothing to be sorry for. I just want you to know that I see you two. I see the light he gives you. I missed how you shine,”

  I squeeze Mom tight, “He’s a good man,” I repeat the words my mom spoke moments earlier, because he really was.

  “Dick,” I hear Daws call Jules as I open the screen door carrying the beers and plates. I can tell Jules must have said something in fun to bust Daws balls by my brothers laughing.

  “What did I miss?” I hand Jules a beer and attempt to resume my seat, when he grabs my hand and stares at me, “You good?” he asks. He can always tell when something is wrong.

  The chatter around us resumes as Mom hands out plates filled with her yummy goodness. I sit down and look around at everyone at the table. They are laughing and having a good time. Nothing is hanging over any of us any longer. “Yeah, Jules. I’m good.”

  And I really was. I knew that I had a hard road ahead of me working through everything that happened, but I was surrounded by people I loved, people who loved me, and I could get through my hurt, because It was all mine. It was everything.

  The End

  Epilogue

  “Jules, we have to get up.”

  “Mm-hmm,” is the soft mumble I get from Jules and then he begins to sleepily kiss my naked shoulder.

  “You got in late,” I say as Jules pulls me close to his very naked body. The soft skin from his erection presses into my backside.

  “Sorry babe. Night before the big day. You know how guys can be. Marines can drink,” he says on a sleepy breath.

  “We don't have time for this,” I attempt to move away from him, but Jules hooks a leg over my hips and an arm around my waist. That same arm moves higher until his fingers begin to roll my nipp
le. It feels good. So good, but we have a huge day today.

  “They’ll hear us,” I protest even though my body is beginning to react to everything Jules is doing. We should stop, I know this, but oh yeah, right there.

  Jules lets go of my nipple and begins sliding his finger up and down my clit. I’m still a little slick from last night when he woke me up, and honestly I can never say no to him.

  “They probably heard us last night too. Don't care,” Jules pushes his body close to mine and my body naturally reacts by my ass pushing right back at him. His hard length slip between my legs. I reach my arm up and over my head, grabbing the short hair on Jules head.

  “I’m gonna fuck my wife when I wake up, babe. They’ll understand.”

  I moan and arch as he begins to slide his cock from behind up and down my slick folds. He works my nipple again and any thoughts of protesting is gone from my mind.

  “Love it when you call me that,” I mumble out.

  “Wife,” he says and then pushes himself inside of me.

  It’s slow and lazy at first, that sleepy I’m just waking up, but need to be inside of you kinda fuck.

  “Yes, that’s it. That’s what I love,” I breathe out.

  He pushes me forward bending me in half so that my pussy is the only thing connecting with him. I should protest because I love his hands on me, but this angle turns sleepy lazy sex into something so much wilder. He hits that spot deep inside that sends hundreds of sensations tingling up my spine. One hand stays on my back holding me where he wants me while his other hand grips my hip, guiding me with his pace. He grips hard on my hip and pulls me into him at the same time he slams himself hard into me. It fills me up and feels like bliss.