“I don’t tell you enough, Nat, but you’re really beautiful,” he said as he rubbed me.
Where had those words been the last almost eight years? I pushed them out of my mind and ran my hands over his behind while lowering his sweats and boxers in one fell swoop. I opened my eyes briefly to see he was rock hard, pulsing in front of me. His thick cock looked like a lollipop I wanted to suck. I reached forward and took him in my mouth. I closed my eyes as thoughts of sucking off Hayes swirled in my mind. This was so messed up.
He hissed. “I’ve missed this.” His voice was husky as his fingers slid through my hair, messing it up. I took him to the back of my throat and increased suction, and he growled words of appreciation. “Lie back,” he said.
I remembered a time when he liked to take control in bed. When his end game was to get me off, and he knew exactly how. He hovered above me, his head between my thighs, and he licked me slowly, deliberately moving his tongue from my opening to my clit. With his cock dangling in my face I needed to suck him off to make him feel as unhinged as he was making me.
We came together.
Mark licking me while I sucked him off.
Then he was off the bed and in the bathroom. He returned with two hand towels. I half expected him to throw one at me, but he didn’t. He wiped gently at my mouth where the remnants of his come lingered. He passed me a glass of water to drink, and then he pulled me into the crook of his arm.
“I missed you this weekend. The house didn’t feel the same without you here. I know things have been stressed, but I want to work on making things better.”
“I’d really like that.” I forced a smile and snuggled into him. Lord I was such a coward. He was kissing me again, and I felt confused and overwhelmed. Hayes was everything I wanted in a man, but Mark was my husband. He was making an effort. I had to give him the benefit of the doubt, if not for me then for my children. The tastes of our mixed arousal swirled in the kiss. It had been so long since we’d been like this together. I grew wet again, needing him to fill me. He flipped on top of me, spreading my thighs using his hand to guide his cock back and forth over my opening. I was so ready for him when he slid inside me, moving just right, rubbing my clit. I lifted both legs and wrapped them around his waist, and we moved together. Hungry, wanting, needing release. I stopped thinking of Hayes and opened my eyes to look at my husband as I rubbed my nub along his hard length and my breathing quickened.
“I’m going to come,” I said into our dark room.
“Fall with me, Nat,” he said on a grunt, and I did. I fell with him.
It wasn’t until morning that guilt seeped in along with a large dose of self-defeat. I wasn’t going to stand up to Mark. He lied to me repeatedly, and I couldn’t face him. Instead I tried to placate him. My stomach soured because my own actions sickened me. My time with Hayes and what it meant came to the forefront of my mind. I didn’t have sex with him but what we did was highly inappropriate.
Light seeped through the bedroom window. I reached out with my eyes closed to feel Mark in bed. “I’m heading to the office,” he said. I opened one eye and looked at the alarm clock. It was only seven a.m. That didn’t make sense. He had joined a real estate office not far from home and used one of their free office spaces daily, but who would be buying or selling a home this early? He had managed to get some income from rentals but wasn’t super busy.
“Have a good day,” I said, and every emotion I felt for him last night came crashing down like a glass splattering into small fragments.
He leaned in to give me a kiss. “You too.”
I didn’t want to think about last night. I didn’t want to feel the hurt and pain of rejection anymore. I fell into a strong and dreamless sleep. Twenty minutes later I awoke to the alarm with a startle. Nothing had changed. Mark was still Mark.
Only something had changed. The kids were older and in the same school, so life was less stressful. While I prepped lunches for them, they dressed and made their way to the kitchen table for cereal and chocolate milk.
I dropped the kids off at school. I had arranged with my father to take the day off. Immy also planned to take the day off, so I went to the beach and met her at a restaurant along the boardwalk for breakfast.
I grabbed my purse and made my way to the restaurant. Immy was sitting outside at a table already.
“Hey you.” I leaned in to give her a kiss.
“How was New York? You look absolutely radiant, Ms. Author.” She placed her hand on her chest. “I can’t believe I have a famous friend.”
“Hardly.” My lips twisted.
The waiter came by, and I ordered sangria.
Immy tapped her chin. “Now I’m even more intrigued.” She ordered herself a coffee.
“Don’t be. I’m just exhausted.” And a little on edge.
“Your skin is glowing.”
“Is it? Must be the cold New York air.” I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I was wearing a sundress and a pair of sandals. The October air was humid.
“So how was it? Don’t keep me waiting.” Immy clapped her hands together and leaned over the table.
“I was nervous, flying on my own and stuff,” I began.
“But Hayes picked you up from the airport. That must have been nice to see a familiar face,” she said. My body flushed at the mention of his name. I tried to cover my reaction. “Shay talks to him at least once a week,” she went on, not noticing I had suddenly stilled.
Of course he did.
I hoped Hayes knew to keep his lips sealed about Atlantic City.
“It was nice of him to chauffeur me around,” I admitted when the waiter placed my sangria in front of me. I clapped myself on the back for such a good drink choice, because my nerves were frayed from the guilt I felt about Hayes this past weekend and not standing up to Mark again yesterday.
“And . . .” she persisted.
“The signing was lots of fun.” I took a sip of my drink. “It was exhilarating. I’m not used to all the attention, but I can’t complain.” I giggled. “It felt like a dream.”
The waiter came by and I ordered eggs Benedict for breakfast. Immy opted for a fruit bowl with yogurt and granola.
“Wow!” she said wide eyed. “I really wanted to join you. Maybe next time.”
I didn’t know how to react to that comment. I wouldn’t have been alone with Hayes had she come. Despite the guilt I felt over spending time with him, being with him also rejuvenated something inside me. Before the weekend I had felt like I was somehow locked into this life with Mark. My reality wasn’t the case. I had chosen this life with Mark, which made all the difference in my mind, and I chose it because I wanted my kids to have a stable family. The only problem with that statement was Mark wasn’t stable, his moods changed like the direction of the wind.
“How is April doing?” I asked.
Immy’s lips turned down. “This morning was tough. After a weekend it’s always hard to start up routine again.”
“Hopefully she’ll settle in soon. I’ve heard some kids take longer than others,” I said because my kids had adjusted easy enough.
Immy nodded and sighed.
My mind drifted to the way Mark left early again this morning.
“What is it?” Her face fell.
“It’s nothing.” I waved her off.
“Natalia,” she purred, “I’ve known you since grade school. I can tell when your bothered.” Her words didn’t sit well with me. I’d gone through the past eight years of my life floating by, hoping for better, but somewhere deep down I knew things wouldn’t change. My hope for a solid family would be an unrealized dream.
I reached for my purse and put on my aviator sunglasses, hoping to hide behind them.
“I don’t want to push.” She stopped herself from saying whatever it was she wanted to say.
“You aren’t pushing. I just had time alone to think about my life this weekend, and there is a lot wrong. I need time to figure out my next steps,”
I said. Yes, Mark and I had sex last night, and it was nice, but I couldn’t run from reality anymore. There were serious and pressing issues that had to be addressed. Moments that couldn’t be erased.
“You know I’m here if you want to talk.” She pursed her lips. Her forehead creased with concern.
“I know you are and I appreciate it. I spent all weekend thinking on it. I’d rather not get into it now.” I leaned in and gave her hand a squeeze. “I appreciate your concern.”
Her lips pressed together, and she gave me a contemplative look as she sipped her coffee. “How was it? Seeing Hayes,” she finally said.
“What do you mean?” I asked, unable to hide my nerves.
“Come on, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know he’s had a mad crush on you for like forever.” The waiter brought our meals. It gave me time to regroup and think of an answer to her comment. This was Immy, my oldest and dearest friend. I was sick of keeping everything inside. I was a dam waiting to burst, and burst I did.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted.
“Okay, let me help you and hopefully you don’t stalk away from me and never speak to me again.” She winced.
I braced myself. The palms of my hands were flat on the table.
“Mark is not a supportive husband. He’s never around and when he is, he’s miserable. He has issues with money as in he finds ways to fall deeper in debt. You work your ass off and I get it, I do. You hang on because you want your kids to have the sense of family you never had,” she said, hitting the mark. “I know I’m saying things you already know but . . .” Leaning back in her chair, she bit her lip, assessing my reaction to decide if she should continue or not.
“Say it. Whatever you have to say, just say it. I’m tired of hiding my life. I’m just tired.” I blew out a fatigued breath.
“Hayes is sweet and kind and completely adores you,” she said, staring me point-blank in the eyes.
My breath caught. I have thought those thoughts a million times, but . . . “Hayes is a boy,” I quipped. I should have said something to defend Mark, but my gut jumped in and that was what flew out of my mouth.
“Hayes was a boy. Now he’s a man.” She cocked a brow. I couldn’t argue that. “A dreamy one, at that.” I couldn’t argue with that either.
“Mark and I are back on track. He’s trying to make an effort, and I need to give him a chance to do better. He’s my husband. The man I fell in love with. The father of my children.” I went on, leaving out the part that he was also a liar. “Besides, what on earth are you insinuating here, that I leave Mark for Hayes or have an affair? I’m seriously shocked right now.”
“Hah! Well I’m not sure what I’m insinuating, to be honest. I know you aren’t capable of having an affair.”
I cut her off. “It would gut me. Like seriously, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
“I know,” she said solemnly. “What I’m really trying to say is you’re still young, beautiful, smart . . . you have a lot going for you, yet you seem to have thrown in the towel on what you need out of life. I know you love the kids and they are your life, but you deserve something for you.”
I stopped eating and I sagged back into the chair and sighed heavily. “You’re right. Every darn word is true. It’s taken me a long time to see it. I kept hoping whatever Mark was going through was a phase, only it isn’t. I don’t know what to do. I also feel like I’m being selfish if I put my needs first. I’m working on building up my self esteem. Between my mother and Mark making me feel worthless, I’ve sold myself short. I need to make me strong again. I need to feel whole before I’ll have anything to offer a man.” My hand came up and I rubbed my temple. A headache was coming on.
“I’m proud of you. You may not see it, but you’re strong and resourceful. That hasn’t changed over the years. You’re going to be okay, honey,” Immy said, giving me the extra boost of confidence I clearly needed. “I’m sorry if that came out wrong . . . I know you don’t need a man, I just . . . well I remember watching the two of you together, even though it’s been a long time. You smiled so wide with him. I haven’t seen that side of you for a long time.” She frowned.
Probably since senior year when my parents divorced and Matt died.
“Maybe you’re right. I like spending time with Hayes, but I can’t like it too much. I’ve committed to a marriage for better or worse. I can’t lose sight of that.”
“I respect your dedication. Marriage isn’t easy. I don’t want to put Mark down because that isn’t fair of me to do, but I’ll say that some behaviors shouldn’t be forgiven so easily.” She was right. I knew exactly what she meant. I thought of Mark’s employee, Irina. I thought of the night Mark grabbed my wrist and hurt me when he thought I called his sister Bella. I thought of his expensive suits and Rolex watch. And then there was the lie about his father. Too many lies . . . a lot wasn’t okay. She had a point even without knowing the details.
“I’m so used to being with Mark and . . .” My voice trailed off. “I don’t know, this past weekend I thought of going back to school. That’s crazy, right?”
“You were so passionate about becoming a vet. Then you met Mark and dropped the idea like you’d drop a burning piece of metal. Your rash decisions with Mark never sat well with me. Becoming a vet has always been your dream. If that’s what you want, I say chase your dreams, dammit.” She nodded and sipped her coffee.
Her words made me giggle.
“Except I don’t have the money to put myself through school now.” I drank the remaining sangria from my glass. I needed lots of alcohol when I thought about where all that money went. Mark’s credit cards, the second mortgage we took. Sweat broke out on my forehead from the memory.
Immy shook her head. “Write another book.”
“It isn’t that easy. I don’t have another story to tell. I don’t think I am truly an author, I just had an intriguing story to tell,” I admitted.
“You sure did, but I see what you’re saying. A Birthday Wish was practically autobiographical except that nothing actually happened between you and Hayes”—she coughed—“I mean Dereck.”
“Was I that transparent?” We had never discussed what Immy thought of A Birthday Wish, and I was grateful she never brought it up. Nothing like airing your dirty laundry to the world and having them know it was more non-fiction than fiction.
She cocked her brow. She didn’t need to answer. Her facial expression said it all.
“Ask your parents for the money for school. Shit! You’d make them happy if you finally got the darn degree.” She remembered my parents’ reaction when I’d told them I was done with school. All hell had broken loose.
“I’m an adult with kids now. It doesn’t feel right asking them to help at this point of my life.” As I said the words, I thought of Hayes and what he told me about his mother being too proud to ask for help. Where had that gotten the poor woman? Six feet under. I wanted to be there for my kids. I learned I wouldn’t be able to count on Mark in the long run. “I guess it’s something I should consider.”
“Yes,” she cheered.
I smiled. “Thank you.”
“For what?” Immy shrugged her shoulders, giving me a look that said she’d done nothing at all.
I pursed my lips and tilted my head sideways, but the warmth in my eyes told her I appreciated her friendship,
“And Hayes?” She cocked a brow.
“He’s a good friend,” I said, and it was true. Our deep conversations were meaningful.
“And the chemistry?” She waited.
“I can’t . . . no, I won’t do anything about that now.” I gave her an assured nod.
“Okay.” She grinned mischievously.
“I’m shocked.” My mouth dropped open.
“Don’t be.” She shrugged. “I know we never spoke about your parents’ divorce, and you know I don’t condone cheating and would never cheat on Shay. All I’m saying is there are sometimes extenuating circumstances
. . .” She waved her hand. “Have you ever spoken to your dad about why he cheated?”
My eyes widened at that question. “No!”
“Exactly. Why don’t you talk to him? You work together every day, and your relationship is based on small talk. He’s your father. No matter what you say, I know he cares deeply for you.”
Her words rang true. I never did confront my dad about the divorce or his cheating. My mother had been so broken up over it and I had been grieving my brother I hadn’t wanted to get involved. Then I went away to college and came back with Mark years later. I never spoke to either of my parents about what had transpired. At the time things had seemed so bleak.
“Maybe you’re right,” I agreed, making a mental note to talk with my dad soon.
“Oh, and Natalia,” Immy said, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Yes?”
“Hayes is coming to town for Christmas. That’s two months away.”
My heart lurched into my throat. “What?”
“You heard me.” She wiggled her brows.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Natalia
I had just put the kids to sleep when Mark came through the door.
“Hey.” He looked tired. “I showed a couple a home to rent.”
“I tried calling you,” I answered. I wanted to know if I should wait for him to eat dinner.
“Sorry. They were with me, and I was in and out of properties.” He went into the kitchen to look for food.
I had to call him out on his father. I thought back to my conversation with Bella and nothing about the way she spoke to me or what she had said to me had felt like a lie. It all made sense. Mark had been taught to shut down his emotions from a young age, to protect secrets no matter what. Everything she described was a perfect fit with my husband’s behavior. Problem was me calling him out on his dad would anger him and somehow I trained myself not to anger Mark.
He sat down and ate the turkey burger and quinoa salad I’d made for dinner. I kept the conversation light and easy. He looked tense though.
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