For a while I sat on my towel staring blankly at the ocean. What a fuck-up my life had become. In my mind I was sharing my thoughts with Matt. He wouldn’t be happy to know about the turmoil I lived with, the uncertainty and lack of love. What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t carry on like this anymore. I was beyond drowning.
The sun warmed and dried my skin and bathing suit. After slipping out of my wetsuit, I pulled on an oversized hoody and left my surfboard and towel in the sand. I headed to the same diner I’d eaten breakfast with Hayes in a lifetime ago. His words, which I thought had been about him projecting his life on me, rang crystal clear and held an eerie foretelling. He had told me I seemed sad, that the look in my eyes had been all too familiar to him. A cold chill ran through my body as failure washed over me like a blanket of hot tar burning me from the inside out. I ordered a triple scoop brownie sundae aware it was only ten o’clock in the morning, but not giving a shit either.
My fucking husband didn’t remember our anniversary, or if he did, he didn’t care to stick around and celebrate with me. Mom was picking the kids up from school and taking them for a sleepover, and I figured I might as well not change those plans. Nicky, one of the regular waitresses, brought my sundae over, eyeing me cautiously. I groaned as the first bite of brownie, vanilla ice cream, and hot fudge hit my tongue. I closed my eyes, savoring the sweetness. Maybe I should just head out to South Beach myself and stay the night. Mark would come home to an empty house and wouldn’t know where we were. It would give him a taste of his own medicine. As I contemplated the thought, I knew I couldn’t be like Mark. I wasn’t vindictive, but I was hurting.
I had the sinking feeling someone was standing behind me when I heard a throat clear. “Natalia.”
That voice, the way the accent rolled off his tongue when he said my name, caused warmth to curl through my body.
I paused with a spoonful of sundae almost at my lips and twisted my head to look up, suddenly aware I probably looked like a hot mess while eating a sundae before noon. His brows dipped together, concern etched on his perfect features.
“Oh hi,” I said, and then I dipped the large spoonful of goodness into my mouth. He was in town. Immy said he’d be coming in for Christmas, but that was a week away.
“Are you here with someone?” He cranked his head to look behind us then back at me.
I shook my head and ate more sundae.
“Okaaay,” he said, unsure of what to make of my odd behavior. “I was going to order some breakfast. May I join you at this table?”
I nodded.
He went over to the cashier to place his order while I dug into my sundae, feeling sorry for myself.
He walked back over and took the seat across from me and watched me as he usually did. Like those blue eyes were a camera lens focused solely on me. We stayed quiet while I dug into my sundae. Nicky brought his breakfast over. I eyed his plate. It was the breakfast plate I usually ordered with eggs, hash browns, and pancakes, the same breakfast I gulped down when we sat here the day when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Liam. He began to eat, and we both sat quietly, me eating my sundae and him eating his food. When he polished off his plate, he leaned back.
“That hit the spot. Got in late last night and skipped dinner. Everyone left the house this morning before I woke up,” he explained matter-of-factly.
“Did you rent a car?” I asked, surprising myself. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but he’d cracked me out of my shell.
“Yes, I got in late. Didn’t want to disturb Shay and Immy last night. Besides I like to go to the beach while I’m here. It gives me a way to get around.”
“Makes sense.” I nodded and continued to eat my sundae, despite the fact that I was feeling nauseated from the sugar overload.
We remained quiet, and his cell phone beeped on the table. I saw Imogen light up his screen. His gaze cut to mine. She was asking if he was okay. If he needed anything. I watched him type into his phone. “I’m at the beach” he wrote. My stomach sank. Immy knew about my special plans for my anniversary. He continued to type and pressed send. My eyes shot up to his.
“Did you just tell Immy that you’re here with me?” I couldn’t hide the alarm in my voice. How could I pass off my relationship with Mark being okay if she knew I was at the beach in the neighborhood and not in South Beach with my husband, as planned.
“Yes, is that not okay?” His eyebrows rose.
My spoon dropped to the table, my hands came up and cradled my head, then I rubbed harshly at my eyes.
“Natalia.” Hayes soft voice pulled me from my fury of emotions. I moved one of my hands off one eye and peeked at him. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?” His tone was sweet and pleading, and I wanted to tell him, only I didn’t want to admit that despite my efforts I was failing miserably at keeping my family together. “Come on,” he urged with that sexy-as-sin accent. I knew he wouldn’t judge me, but still words were heavy on my tongue.
“It’s my anniversary today,” I began when a roll of nausea washed over me, making me queasy. “I need air,” I said. My throat tightened, and I darted out of the diner faster than I could process. I was standing and walking away. My feet carried me straight to my towel in the sand. As soon as the cool wind brushed my cheeks, I breathed easier, but tears fell uncontrollably from my eyes. I was a fucking mess. My heart beat fast, as I sifted through the plastic bag I had with me, filled with some clothes and my sunglasses. I quickly found my sunglasses and placed them over my eyes, not wanting Hayes to see me like that. Broken, a mess. I fell back on my towel and stared at the ocean as if it held all the answers to life. I realized it didn’t have them. I loved the rush of surfing, but the ocean was a dangerous place. It suddenly dawned on me that Matt enjoyed surfing so much because of the danger involved. His quest to surf larger and larger waves was only a means to an end. A way to end his life.
“Fuck,” I huffed. I forgot all about Hayes standing off to the side of me, blocking the sun from hitting me.
“I’m going to take a seat beside you now. If you don’t want me here, now is the time to protest.” He sat down next to me.
I took his hand and we sat quietly for a few moments before I spoke, “You’re a good friend.” I turned to him and gave him a sad smile.
“Did Mark forget your anniversary?” he asked. Immy must have sent him a message about it.
This time I found the words. The way he held my hand gave me strength; it was more like he made me feel safe. “I wanted to surprise him with some special plans today. He left the house this morning before I woke up.” I shouldn’t have been embarrassed over those words, but I was. “I don’t understand why I’m not enough for him. He makes it seem like he wants to be with me when he speaks, but his actions show something completely different.” I stared at the ocean. Hayes didn’t speak, he just held my hand and listened. “I went surfing before.”
“Really?” He cocked a brow. “I thought you gave that up because of the danger involved.”
“I did,” I admitted, pleased he remembered that detail. “I was upset this morning. It almost felt like I didn’t care enough about my life, and I wanted to be reckless until a strong wave knocked me off the board and pulled me under.”
Hayes hissed. “Fuck, Natalia,” he said.
“Yeah, fuck.” I smiled.
“What did you do then?” he asked. No lecture, no judgement. No you make bad decisions, Natalia. Mom’s voice rang in my ears.
“Another wave rolled over me and I held my breath underwater.” I turned to look at him. He looked pained but held his words to himself. “When I came up for air, I realized I have a lot to live for. I can’t be the one to save Mark, to get him to see his behavior is destroying our marriage. He’s making those choices. He’s an adult, and he has to live with the consequences.”
“I’m proud of you,” he finally said, and as I turned to look at him, a warm smile tugged at the corner of his lips.
“I decided all
that over a brownie sundae.” I giggled nervously.
“No, you didn’t.” Our hands remained connected. He interlaced our fingers. Staring into his eyes, I wanted to understand the meaning of his words. “Things have been broken between you and Mark for a long time. I don’t know why Mark is so withdrawn or what demons he battles, but you aren’t the one responsible for saving him. You are the one, though, that’s going to save yourself. You deserve happiness.”
I stared at Hayes in awe and inhaled a deep breath, followed by a slow cleansing exhale. Those words . . . I deserve happiness. I hadn’t believed them in so long, they still seemed farfetched. Somehow, I equated my happiness with my children’s unhappiness, because being happy involved me ending the only family unit they knew. Yet, I knew it had to be done.
“Thank you”—I gazed at our interlaced fingers—“for always being there for me.” I smiled, and my shoulders felt lighter, my breaths came easier. “Even though I kinda feel like this friendship is one-sided.” I scrunched my nose.
“It’s not. I’ve probably shared more with you than I have with anyone. We get each other. That’s not a bad thing. You know I care about you, and I know we don’t see each other often, but it isn’t the quantity of time we spend together. It’s the quality, and it seems every time is like . . .” He paused at a loss of words.
“Fireworks,” I said and blushed. I don’t know where that word came from. “Sorry . . .” I shook my head. “That was a silly thing to say, and I didn’t mean it, only . . . well . . .” My voice trailed off.
“That word describes us perfectly. Talking and pouring your soul to another person holds a power of its own, doesn’t it?” He looked to me for affirmation.
“It does.”
“And yes, there is chemistry between us, but we aren’t going there. At least not yet.” He winked.
“Yes,” I answered to all of his thoughts. They made perfect sense. When I was with Hayes things were in harmony, but they were also fueled by a fire that made us talk and share, feel.
“What’s going on with you?” I nudged his shoulder, the earlier black cloud hovering above me had lifted, thanks to him.
“Not much really. On break from school for Christmas.”
“Uh huh. How is it going? Give me details.” I gave him a playful, scrutinizing stare.
He chuckled. “I’ve been working in a hospital. Seeing patients. It’s been quite brilliant really.”
“And are you going out? Enjoying yourself? I had the impression when I was in New York you didn’t go out much.” I didn’t know if I was overstepping with the question. But after everything I’d shared with him and vice versa, I wanted to know.
“Huh. Okay. You caught on to the fact that I’m a bit of a loner. I guess I’ve always been that way. I never found any real friends in the shitty neighborhood I grew up in. I know it’s pessimistic, but the kids were mostly cruel, and if they weren’t cruel, they were disloyal,” he said. “I force myself to get out and meet up with some friends from Uni. Some of them graduated a while back, and some are from my grad program, but I’m not some party animal. Never have been.”
“So Atlantic City wasn’t a common event for you? Because you knew your way around.” I cocked a brow.
“I was there once with some buddies. I’m good at navigating, remembering directions, may I remind you.”
“Oh, I remember. You were part of the Royal Navy.”
“Special Boat Service, actually,” he corrected. I remember the first time he mentioned it.
“Right, you were like a SEAL.” I winked, knowing the comparison would irritate him a little.
“No, Special Boat Service,” he corrected playfully.
“SEAL just sounds sexier.”
“And you find me sexy?” He cocked a brow.
I swallowed hard. “We aren’t going there,” I reminded him.
“That is what we agreed to, but you just reneged on the agreement, besides I think the Special Boat Service sounds super sexy.” He looked at his bicep and flexed it, his blue eyes gleaming in the sun.
“Mmm, Mr. Sailor Man. That is hot,” I said, my tone flirtatious.
“Okay, Mr. Sailor Man says no more flirting if you don’t want me to pin you down in the sand and kiss you breathless.”
My pulse soared.
He dropped my hand and pulled away like he’d touched fire. He closed his eyes a moment and took a breath.
“You’re upset today. I want to make you feel better, but we can’t go there,” he said earnestly.
I was a loose cannon that hadn’t thought of repercussions, but I wanted to go there. I knew he was right. I took a cleansing breath.
“Any special women in your life at the moment?” I asked, because despite everything, I was a glutton for punishment and I needed to know.
“I have needs that are taken care of on occasion,” he answered, his nostrils flaring.
“Shit! I probably shouldn’t have redirected the conversation that way.”
“It’s fine. I’m not in a relationship. How about we leave it at that?” He said curtly and stared out to the ocean.
I wanted to ask him why. Why at age twenty-nine was he not in a serious relationship, but I didn’t ask, knowing it was a can of worms I couldn’t deal with right now.
“Mark and I were supposed to stay at a hotel tonight for our anniversary. My mom has the kids. I’ll be there on my own.” I looked down at my raggedy clothing. “I better go home and pack an overnight bag.” I stood on the towel to pack myself up.
Hayes got up and covered his face in his hands and groaned. “You can not tell me that you’re going to stay in a hotel room by yourself,” he said, his tone dripped irritation but also defeat.
“I’m sorry.” I winced. I wanted him so badly. “It’s just my mom has the kids tonight, and my dad paid all that money for a hotel room. I figure it will be good for me to have some time on my own. To heal myself. I’ve been living in a storm for so long, I have to find shelter, a way to protect myself.” I held on to his hands and looked him in the eyes.
His shoulders deflated. “You’re right. It’s why I don’t get too close to you, because I know deep down you need to find your strength.”
My heart picked up pace and warmed all at once. “And the fact you get that about me means everything.” I looked at him, squinting against the sun. Hayes was tall and strong. He looked like he was carved from stone, a true warrior. Yet, inside he had a heart of gold, and he understood me, sometimes on levels I didn’t understand myself. Since the first time he took me windsurfing, he’d been my shield, guiding me through the battlefield while helping me understand the traps I couldn’t see. Thanks to him, I was coming out stronger on the other side.
“I know,” he said and pressed a kiss to my cheek. “I better go before I convince you to let me into your bed tonight.” He gave me a guilty smirk.
“It wouldn’t be hard to convince me.” I cringed.
“That’s why I need to leave now,” he said.
“I’ll see you at Christmas.” My lips curved at the corners.
“Text me tonight. Let me know you’re safe, just don’t tell me where you are. I’ll want to hunt you down and claim you.”
His words left me breathless. He stalked off through the sand. I watched his strong calf muscles working with every step as he walked farther and farther away. I wanted him so bad. There had never been anyone like him in my life. Strong-minded, yet selfless. I was grateful for his strength to walk away from me, because I ached for him desperately.
I went home, showered, and packed a bag for the night. Mark hadn’t texted or called. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Yet it felt like a fresh wound had cut through my heart. Every word I had said to Hayes on the beach reverberated through me. I wanted to find my happy. Truth was my children weren’t witnessing a healthy relationship between a husband and wife, and I didn’t want them to think our life was somehow normal or acceptable.
I reached the hotel by late aft
ernoon. After I dropped my stuff off in my hotel room I texted my father to thank him. The hotel was chic and beautiful with white marble flooring and a long white marble welcome desk area. There was purple fluorescent lighting which gave an almost club feel at night even though it was still light outside. While navigating I found myself close to the private beach area where the hotel was hosting a yoga session. I had never practiced yoga before. I enjoyed every cleansing moment from the movements to the meditation that came toward the end of the class.
My day had started off with turbulence in my heart but my mind now felt calm. Every aspect of my day breathing clarity into the decisions I would need to make. I wanted to be happy.
My dad had thought of every detail when he paid for this mini vacation. He even booked us for a dinner for two on the terrace, and even though I sat on my own eating delicious red snapper and sipping white wine, I felt at peace, watching the beautiful views of the ocean behind me and the hotel’s infinity pool with luscious gardens surrounding it. After dinner I splurged on a lemon torte dessert and took a walk through the hotel grounds. I passed a little nook area with a small hut and sand surrounding it along the way. It looked like a place on the beach not beside a pool but it provided a secluded enclave. I noticed two young women puffing away on a joint and giggling ridiculously. When I passed them the brunette hid the joint behind her back, and they both tried holding a straight face but failed miserably when they burst into laughter.
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