Kei's Gift

by Ann Somerville

  “Kei?”

  “Please don’t argue,” he said tiredly. “I’m not a child. I can make my own decisions. I’m going to have a bath—please just ask Reji to come in and you can leave me alone.”

  Loti still looked worried. “And General Arman?”

  “I’ll send him a note, but I don’t want you to breach my privacy. I’ll explain what Master Bikel said. Go on—I’ve no need of a healer any more and you know it.”

  “Then I hope you don’t pass out in the bath, young man,” Loti snapped. He picked up his medical bag and made to leave.

  “Wait—I apologise, Loti. I’ve had...he gave me some very bad news and I need time to adjust to it.”

  Loti’s expression softened. “I understand, lad. We all wish you well, you know.”

  “I know. Unfortunately, such wishes can’t do a thing to help me. Please, I need to see Reji while Master Bikel’s block is still in place, or I won’t be able to bear his company.”

  Loti nodded and left quickly. Kei went back to the bedroom and into the small washroom. He set the charcoal under the bathwater alight—it would take a good while to reach an adequate temperature, but he could bathe in tepid water. He stripped, and undid his braid, using the comb that, along with soap and hand cream, had been thoughtfully provided for him, to ease out the tangles and small knots. He doused himself with cold water from the pump and then slowly and carefully soaped every inch of his skin, the entire length of his hair. He wanted to give his friend, his brother, his lover, this gift, if it had to be that he must stay apart from those closest to him to survive.

  He rinsed himself and then climbed into the bath, letting the warming water take away some of his headache. It was improving a little, although how much was because of real healing, and how much was masked by the lingering pijn and what Bikel had done, he didn’t know. He laughed bitterly—that was his entire existence now, not to know what was real peace and what was merely hiding the pain.

  He didn’t spend long in the bath, just long enough to gain a measure of calmness. He got out, dried himself and redressed in the soft robe before returning to the bedroom to sit by the window, combing his hair dry in the breeze and the late afternoon sun. He heard the outer door open and close, and then the bedroom door open. He just kept looking out the window.

  A hand took the comb from his, and continued the careful grooming. Kei closed his eyes, giving himself to the gentle sensation. Reji didn’t speak for long minutes, for which Kei was glad. It was odd not to sense him, but it was also a relief.

  Only when Reji had stopped combing and had remade his braid, did he turn. His lover looked sad and worried, a little tired too. “What happened? What did they say?”

  Kei bit his lip and shook his head. “Later. Take me to bed, Rei-ki. I need you to love me.”

  Reji put his arms around him and pulled him close to plant a gentle kiss on his lips. “I will always love you, whatever happens, wherever you are. Don’t be afraid of losing me, little brother.”

  And at that, Kei could not hold back the tears.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Later, as the sky in the window glowed with the brilliant red and gold of the dying sun, Reji stroked his arm gently, as Kei told him what Bikel had said. Reji listened in silence, then said “So you want to leave tomorrow?”

  “Can we? Have you finished everything?”

  “Yes—I’ve already arranged for the village goods to be sent with the traders from Ai-Tuek. We won’t have to match the pace of the wagons. Kei...look at me.” Kei rolled over and looked into Reji’s kind eyes. “Little brother, you know I love you.”

  “And I love you, Reji. This doesn’t change that—it just means...we can’t....”

  “Yes, I know, but that’s not my point. Why won’t you talk to Arman? The man adores you—you must know that.”

  Kei’s heart ached to think of Arman. “Yes, I do, but he has a life and friends he can return to, and he’s a foreigner here where he’s always going to be feared and even hated. I can’t ask him to stay and I can’t bear to go—how can I leave you and everyone else, just to cure this...this wound.”

  Reji leaned over and kissed his forehead. “And that’s all it would be? Just an end to pain?”

  “I wouldn’t even achieve that—I would simply exchange one misery for another. I doubt I would ever find happiness if I did that. My place is with my people, serving them, being useful and doing my job, if I can.”

  Reji clasped Kei’s hand and held it between them. “No one in the clan wants your help at such a price.”

  “Myka needs me. You need me. They need their healer.”

  Reji shook his head. “Myka needs to know you’re happy. I need the same thing. As for a healer, they have two. What are you afraid of? If you won’t even talk to Arman—”

  “And say what?” Kei said angrily. “‘Oh, I know you adore and want me, but I only want to be with you because you stop my heart aching’? He deserves more.”

  “So do you.”

  Kei pulled away from him and sat up. “All I wanted in life was to be in the clan and with you and my family, and I will have it even—”

  “Even if you have to be miserable every day of your life.” Reji sat up and put his arms around Kei. “Little brother, there is nothing—nothing—in the world that would make me happier than for you to return to our village, have you as my lover, and to see you happy and fulfilled and with those who love you.” He made Kei turn and face him. “And there is nothing,” he said gently, “that will cause me greater pain than to watch you live a lonely, joyless life, always at arms length from us, wedded to duty, never to know happiness or love. I would rather lose a hand, my eyes, than to see that.” He kissed Kei’s forehead. “I would rather let my enemy and my rival take you away from me than see that.”

  “I love you,” Kei said desperately. “You know that.”

  “Yes, I do, but we know that it’s the love between two old, very dear friends. What I saw in Arman’s face, his way of treating you, his concern—that was different. Do you not feel anything for him? Because I think you do, but you won’t allow yourself to admit it.”

  Kei looked away from that intense gaze. “I feel...relief. Glad to be free of pain, glad...that I have helped him and brought him here safely. I’m grateful for what he’s done for me. That’s all.” That surely was all it could be. Relief and gratitude didn’t equal love. Nor did desperate wanting.

  Reji laughed and shook his head, but his eyes were sad. “Look, I have no liking for the man or what he’s done, or who he represents. I wish he was anyone at all other than who he is, but we can’t predict or choose who we love. It’s only because I do love you, that I say to you—go and talk to him.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why? Are you such a coward?”

  Stung at the insult, Kei pulled away, and climbed off the bed. He searched for his clothes and pulled them on, angry at being pushed and pulled around. “I’m no coward. I’ve paid more of a price than anyone save those at Ai-Vinri, but at least their pain is now over.”

  Reji reached out a hand to him, shocked at his words. “I didn’t mean—”

  “We’re leaving tomorrow, and that’s it. I’ll send someone to you when I’m ready. Now I need to be alone—the block’s weakening and since I’m so cowardly, I want to avoid that pain. Goodnight.”

  Angry tears in his eyes, his head throbbing agonisingly once more, Kei stormed out of the room and out of the apartment. He just wanted to go home—he’d done what he’d promised to do and got Arman here. He’d consulted the masters and they’d offered no relief. If he’d known that agreeing to be a hostage all those months ago would mean he would be a slave all his life, clan or no clan, he’d have refused. No one should have to pay this price for peace, personal or otherwise.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Arman tried to concentrate on the notes he was making, but his heart wasn’t in it. He had the briefest encounter with Bikel in the reception hall upon his return to the Rul
ers’ House, but the academy master wasn’t in the mood for a long discussion. He was clearly in a foul temper, and worried about his lover. Curtly, he’d informed Arman that yes, Kei’s injury was severe, and yes, there was an answer. “But,” he’d snapped, “the young fool won’t listen to me, and so he’s condemned himself to a weary, painful life. I wish him joy of it.” And then the man had stalked off, collected an obviously ailing Diza from a nearby chair and walked out of the building.

  Arman had asked where Kei was, and had been informed he was resting in one of the guest rooms under the supervision of the healer. That had been two hours ago, and he’d heard nothing since. He didn’t want to send for Kei, or interfere, but he couldn’t help being anxious and wondering what Bikel had meant. Tomorrow he would try to get a better answer from him, once the man had had a chance to calm down. For now, he could only get on with his work—he really had to try and make some clear instructions for the troops once they landed in Utuk.

  His heart leapt when there was a knock at the door, and he called his visitor in, expecting it to be Kei at long last—but it wasn’t. Instead, it was an angry, rather worried looking Reji. “What’s happened?” Arman asked, getting to his feet and limping quickly over to the man. “Is Kei hurt?”

  Reji held up his hand. “Not more than he was. You and I need to talk, general. Sit down, and don’t pull any arrogant, ‘I’m a Prij and you’re all scum’ shit with me or I’ll knock you down.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Arman said stiffly, returning to his desk. “Do, please have a seat and explain why I deserve such a charming greeting.”

  The man looked ruffled as if he’d dressed in a hurry, and was flustered more than angry, Arman now realised. “I’ve just been talking to Kei.”

  “Is he all right?”

  “No, he damn well isn’t. Our little healer is hells bent on destroying his happiness, and I can’t let him do that. I may have to lose my lover, but I’m damned if I’ll lose my friend!”

  Arman folded his arms and tried to keep calm. One of them needed to keep a cool head and it clearly wasn’t going to be Reji. “Explain.”

  “The masters have told him that there’s three options for his injury—and of course, being the stubborn idiot that he is, he’s chosen the one which will cause maximum distress for those of us who care about him, because he thinks it’s the one that will serve our clan best. I need you to convince him his clan is best served by him not destroying himself. I’ve tried and he’s not listening,” Reji said irritably.

  “And why would he listen to me and not you?”

  “Because you’re in love with him and I’m damn sure he’s in love with you, even though he won’t admit it! He’s convinced that because you make him happy and content, you’re a bad thing. How in hells do you argue with logic like that?”

  There were so many surprising statements in that sentence, Arman could only stare at the man for long moments. “I care for him very deeply, but I know I can’t make him happy,” he said finally.

  “Then you’re a damn fool. Look, general—I don’t like you at all, let’s be clear about that. You’ve hurt my people, and you’ve stolen the contentment and heart of the man I love without giving him the means to find happiness. You’re fixing one crime somewhat, but if you don’t fix the other one, then you’ll have committed a far greater sin.”

  Arman was losing patience with the man’s dramatic statements and belligerence, however concerned he was. “I think you’re misreading the situation—”

  “Am I? Truly? You’ve been sharing a bed with Kei for how long and never laid a finger on him? Either,” he said sardonically, “you’ve had your balls removed, or you’re denying yourself to avoid hurting him. Don’t even pretend to me you don’t desire him—no one who loves another can mistake that look.”

  “He’s been hurt,” Arman protested, “injured.... I wouldn’t....”

  Reji stood up and glared at him. “Will you please stop dancing around the truth? The three options they gave him were to stay with you, live alone for years without any human contact, or live crippled and out of reach in the village, chained to his research and never to be touched by or touch another person. Tell me honestly that you think the last two would make either of you content.”

  “No, of course they wouldn’t!” Arman said in shock. “If he came to me, I would gladly take him with me, I would give anything up for him....” Reji’s eyebrow was raised now in a knowing fashion. “I would never impose my feelings on him. I have only loved one other in my life with such intensity, and I would never have laid a hand on him. Kei could sleep in my bed for an eternity and his fidelity to you would remain unchanged.”

  “And no doubt the little idiot knows that—no wonder he doesn’t want to talk to you. You’re both mad,” Reji said angrily. “I give up. But I tell you this, general. I won’t let him leave Darshek until you two talk and if you leave without doing so, I’ll find a way to drag you back. Stop being so damn noble and tell him the truth. It’s not like he doesn’t know how you feel, but he’ll play your idiot games as long as you do and it’s killing him. I mean that literally.”

  Reji got up to leave. “Where is he now?” Arman asked.

  “Gone out. He’s sulking. Maybe crying. Thinking, I hope, although I doubt it. You have four days to fix this.”

  “Wait.” Arman got up too, although he had no chance of catching up to Reji if the man decided not to obey. “I still don’t understand. He’s your lover. Why are you doing this?”

  Reji laughed bitterly. “Because I love him enough to send him away. Don’t make me hate you more than I do by making my grief pointless.”

  He walked out of the door, slamming it in his wake.

  “What in hells?” Arman said, bewildered. How could this situation possibly have become more complex than it already was? He had to find Kei. This discussion was long overdue.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Kei sat in the dark garden, staring up at the first floor window where a dim lamp glow could be seen. His anger at Reji had died almost as he’d left the room, and already he was framing his apology for being such an overdramatic fool. His anger at the world remained, though, and was growing. He felt trapped, as much a prisoner as he’d been in Utuk. If he’d been a free man, without this gift and without this damage, he’d have offered himself to Arman months ago. But he wasn’t a free man—he had obligations, he had a lover whom he did truly love, no matter how one categorised it, he had a profession. He couldn’t, wouldn’t throw that away for selfish pleasure.

  But....

  He kept looking at the light, and thinking of the man sitting there reading by the lamp. Arman wanted him and loved him. And Kei.... Kei didn’t know if he could live without Arman any more, and not just because of what Arman could do for him.

  ‘In another time and place’, they’d both said. And this was both.

  He wasn’t a coward. And he’d already paid the price. Perhaps it was time to learn what he’d won.

  ~~~~~~~~

  Arman fretted. He’d sent people out to search for Kei nearly an hour ago. How hard was it to find one simple villager? He worried Kei might have done something really idiotic and since the idiocies could encompass anything from running away on an urs beast to flinging himself into the harbour, this didn’t give him any comfort. His door opened and he prepared to yell at these people for being so damn slow. “Oh, gods, could you...?” His complaint died on his lips as he saw who it was. “Are you all right?”

  Kei shut the door and leaned on the wall next to it, his expression sullen. “No, I’m damn well not. I’ve been told by two separate people to come and talk to you, although one then told me not to and the other called me a coward for following that advice. I’m heartily sick of people trying to bully me.”

  He looked utterly miserable. Arman got up and rang the bell-pull and then limped over to Kei. “I don’t want to bully you,” he said gently, coming to stand in front of Kei. “But we need to talk, and soon.�
�� He tilted Kei’s head up. “How’s the headache?”

  “Healthy and getting worse by the minute,” Kei said irritably, jerking his chin away from Arman’s grip.

  “Then go and sit down.” There was a knock and Arman opened the door—it was the housekeeper. “Ah, Mijli, would you call off the search? He’s here.”

  She glanced at Kei and smiled. “Very good, Arman.”

  Arman closed the door and found his visitor glaring at him. “Searching for me?”

  “Reji was here earlier. He more or less threatened me with an unpleasant fate if I didn’t talk to you.”

  “I didn’t send him.” Kei hugged himself. “I’m making such a damn mess of this.”

  “No, I refuse to let you take all the credit.” Kei looked up suspiciously at his tone. “Please, come and sit. My leg won’t tolerate standing for long.”

  Arman had shamelessly appealed to Kei’s healer instinct for a reason, as it was always the best way to distract him from his mood, and it worked. With a guilty look, Kei immediately headed for a chair while Arman sat down in its neighbour. “Reji told me what Bikel said. He also said a number of other things which I would rather hear from you, if at all. Kei—he said you know how I feel about you. I suppose it’s inevitable that you do—but I would never, regardless of temptation, impose that on you. You do know that, don’t you?” Kei nodded miserably. “I’m sorry that I can’t...control myself....”

  “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Arman—how are you supposed to control who you love?”

  Arman would rather Kei had not used such a scornful tone when discussing his affections, but there was no reason for him not to, he supposed. “Reji also claimed that you...had feelings for me.” Kei started at that, then looked rather wary. “Do you remember a discussion we had on the boat about choice and consent?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “I see this situation as really no different from when you were a hostage,” Arman said firmly, wanting this to be perfectly clear. “I would want no one to come to me under compulsion, be it from me, or themselves because of a...an injury.... If you need me with you to help you heal, then you don’t need to think I would require a return of my feelings.”