Years ago at a large company, a student intern was working on a project. One day he lamented that although he was a Computer Science major, he thought he wasn’t a great programmer. Maybe it was true, maybe not; what was important is that he felt that way.
His manager said "you don't have to be the best programmer. You only have to be the best liked programmer.” Over the last 20 years, the former intern has had one successful position after another and now is in senior management at a major financial company.
This former intern is one of those people that others immediately like. He has a kind, relaxed personality, and a ready smile. He is smart, respectful of others and helpful to all. Obviously, his parents did a great job teaching him how to be a very likable person. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone was that gifted?
For many people, personal and professional relationships are difficult. It takes a while for people to get to know them. It can be a struggle. If you are one of these people, it can be frustrating to see how easily others get along.
You can improve your professional and personal relations by gaining new skills. One of the best sources is “Dale Carnegie’s course on People Skills.” In the 1930s, Carnegie wrote a book called “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” This book has never been out of print and has been published for over 80 years (yes, they have updated it). It should be required reading for everyone in business.
Summary
It is very important to be liked and respected at work. Working on your “likability” will only help your career.
Everyone can improve their skills in human relations.
The people you work with will only appreciate anything you do in this area–because it makes the experience better for them.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Do I think I am likable? Do others think I am likable?
Do people engage in conversation with me often, or try to avoid me?
Who is the most likable person I know at work? Which of their skills and attributes do I admire?
Which of their skills and attributes would I like to develop in myself?
Additional Resources
Fortune Magazine – “Why It’s Better to be Like Than to be Respected”
Dale Carnegie course on People Skills – Highly recommended
“How to Win Friends and Influence People.” – Highly recommended
Lesson 25: Social Animals and Alcohol
People are social animals. They want to engage with others. It is part of our nature.
What is the best way to be social with people in the workplace? This has changed over the last 20 years. It used to be “let’s go out for a drink after work.” Now that's frowned on for several reasons, mostly because of the alcohol and drunk driving laws. There’s also the variable that alcohol numbs normal inhibitions, making us more likely to say and do things we wouldn't typically do.
Try this once. If you go out for a drink, go out with several people and avoid drinking alcohol. Have soda or tonic water with a lime for a drink (it’s will look like a cocktail). Then listen and watch as the next couple of hours proceed. What did you learn about the people you didn't know before? What effect did the alcohol have on them?
Avoiding alcohol is especially useful at company functions and annual parties. You will see people go nuts when there's an open bar and scarf down beer like its water. But not taking part will give you a distinct advantage. Use functions like this to watch people and observe behavior. Listen well, you will hear things you wouldn't otherwise hear; some of which may be insightful and useful.
Lesson 26: Safe Zones and People’s Time
Going to lunch and meeting at coffee shops during the day are excellent and safe venues. It automatically removes the alcohol, and the atmosphere is lighter. You also will most likely not have to worry about awkward situations. Open break rooms and other public areas in a company are also good places to talk with people.
The important thing is just to be respectful of the other person’s time. For example, you can go to someone’s cubicle and talk for a while, but if they are working on an important or time-sensitive project, they might not appreciate it. They might not want to hurt your feelings by saying anything. So ask if they have time to socialize before you sit down in their office.
Lesson 27: What to Talk About
Talking with others is an opportunity to share a part of yourself. You can talk about work, mutual topics of interest, hobbies, weather, etc. But with social issues, politics or religion be very careful, especially if you don’t really know the other people. Even if you know them, tread carefully. Once you say something, you can't take it back. And it is easy to create controversy over nothing. Even civil conversations about hot button topics seem to elicit only bad behavior and rancor, so just avoid it.
Avoid gossip and talking negatively about other people. This only creates problems and what you say may end up only hurting you.
Lesson 28: How You Dress
You should always “dress for success,” as they say. Dressing for work shouldn’t be difficult. Dress should always be conservative for both men and women. You know what that means: ironed shirts and pants for men, the same or dresses for women, showing no cleavage and skirts at or above the knees.
This clothing isn't acceptable: any clothing that makes other people uncomfortable. No leotards or body hose, no sweat pants or shirts, no shirts half opened, no t-shirts, shorts, flip-flops or anything else that you would wear around the house. You can wear whatever you want at the office. Just know people always judge you by what you wear at work.
Lesson 29: Setting Behavior Boundaries
This statement is for both men and women: treat people with respect, not as objects. Don’t act like you’re a teenager on a date. The workplace or meeting for lunch or coffee with coworkers is NOT the place to look for a mate, so just forget it. To do any less than this is to ignore the dignity of the other person and their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Key point: never look at work for your next significant other.
Most people want to do a good day's work (and get paid for it), then go home and leave their company in their rearview mirror. They don't go to work for any other reason.
The “Me-Too” movement has raised the visibility and importance of treating all people with respect. So it is always best to act appropriately in the workplace.
Lesson 30: Language
Do not use profanity of any kind. It is never acceptable in any language. Remember, you are always being judged. Language is either a powerful tool for success or a liability that will cause you problems.
Also, if you and a friend speak any language other than English, always speak English in the workplace. It is annoying and impolite to speak another language around people that don’t speak your language.
Lesson 31: Inspect, Don't Expect
“Nothing is what it seems,” said a character in the series “Medici” on Netflix. There is wisdom in that statement.
To always know the truth you should inspect, not expect. Don't expect that something will ever be the way you think because often that will only disappoint you. Disappointment is bad enough, but if you decide based on an incorrect expectation, your decisions may also be flawed. However, if you inspect, you will know the truth of the matter 100% of the time. So inspect, don’t expect.
Lesson 32: First Seek to Understand
It’s always best to first seek to understand before you speak. Understand the who, what, where, when, and why, before you say or respond to anything. You need to ask the right questions and carefully listen to the answers. Then speak. When in doubt, listen more and speak less.
The concept of understanding first and then seek to be understood isn't new. The problem is that many people don’t do this and therefore they make mistakes or say the wrong thing.
Lesson 33: Human Resources Real Purpose
Human Resources (HR) functions as a vital part of any company. However, it is important that you understand w
hat HR is and what HR isn't.
The primary purpose of HR is to manage risk for the company. That risk is people that work at the company. HR publishes long guidelines for personal and corporate conduct. Their focus is on making employees work within all those policies and procedures.
The primary purpose of HR isn't to help employees. That’s the truth. If you go to HR with a problem, chances are high they won't solve the problem. They will, however, contact your manager to solve it. Then HR will document the problem and resolution. So, be very careful when working with HR and talking with them about anything. They aren’t your friends; they aren’t there to make employee lives better. Their purpose is only to manage risk.
Also, most of the time, HR will support the manager over any employee, again because of the risk the employee may present to the company. This is because they see the manager as part of the company, but employees don't carry the same importance. Even if the employee is right, it rarely ends well for the employee once they contact HR. It makes the situation worse. The “Me Too” movement may impact how HR acts in the future. Time will tell.
Summary
People are social animals and there are definite rules about what is and isn't acceptable conduct in the workplace.
Coffee shops and restaurants during the day are safe zones.
Avoid drinking alcohol in work social situations.
Where possible avoid talking about hot button topics like social, political and religious issues
People in the workplace are there to work. Treat everyone with respect and civility.
Inspect, Don’t Expect.
Human Resources’ main purpose is to control risk for the company.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Have I been in situations at work where I felt awkward? If so, what could I do to avoid that?
Am I sociable with people at work? If not, what are acceptable places to meet people near work?
Do I dress appropriately for the professional workplace? If the president of the company was coming by my office tomorrow, would I dress the same way or differently?
Have I ever talked about a subject at work that offended or angered other people? What did I learn from that experience? Was talking about that subject worth angering someone else?
Do I have any unrealistic expectations of the people I work with? If so, are any of those non-work related?
Do I assume a lot? Do I expect that things will be a certain way, only to find out that those things aren’t correct?
Additional Resources
Fast Company – “How To Deal With The 10 Most Uncomfortable Work Situations”
TheBalanceCareers.com – “10 Tips for Dealing With Difficult People at Work”
VeryWellMind.com – "Preparing for Small Talk: A List of the Best and Worst Topics"
TheBalanceCareers.com – “Dress for Work Success: A Sample Business Casual Dress Code”
TheWorkPlace.org – “HR is not there to be your friend. It’s there to protect the company”
Chapter 10: Managing Your Manager
“After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'"
~ William S. Burroughs
Lesson 34: You Must Manage Your Manager
Everyone should manage the relationship they have with their manager. But many people just plod through work, without giving it a second thought. Managing your manager is essential to having an excellent relationship, establishing trust and building your career.
Did you think only your manager manages? Think again. Highly successful people manage their manager.
Lesson 35: No Surprises
No one likes to be surprised, but managers because of their occupation really HATE surprises. They have so many things to think about. Their job is juggling a dozen balls in the air at the same time. The last thing they want or need is for one of their employees to drop a “SURPRISE!” bomb on their desk.
A “SURPRISE” bomb may literally blow up your manager’s day. It will be one more unexpected thing they have to deal with because you didn't or couldn't handle it. Is that something you really want to happen? How do you think your manager will react?
This is how to avoid surprising your manager:
Set achievable expectations
Warn them as soon as you can
Make it easy for them
Create a drama-free zone
Do what you say you will do
Be reliable and trustworthy
Always make them look good
With a problem have solutions
Set Achievable Expectations
A previous section spoke of the importance of negotiating realistic and achievable goals and deadlines for projects and deliverables. This is especially true for managing your manager. If you need more time, don’t wait until the last day to ask for another 2 weeks. Ask for that at the beginning of the project.
Not setting achievable expectations with your manager is one of the best ways to surprise them. Worse yet, they will trust you less and likely feel the need to watch over your work more closely.
If you set achievable expectations and accomplish those, how do you think your manager will feel about you?
Lesson 36: Warn Them as Soon as You Can
When you see trouble coming, let them know!
You have intuition, so you know when something doesn't seem right. It could be your little voice saying “I don’t think this vendor will meet their deadline,” it could be “at this rate I will blow our annual advertising budget in only 6 months.” The point is, there are always signs when something will go wrong; whether that's 3 months or 3 days from now. Your job is to recognize those signs and do something about it!
You must warn your manager when you think anything negative could happen – this isn't “crying wolf.” This is "raising the flag" and saying "we need to look at this to discern the risk, it's effect on the project and put into place preventative measures, if necessary." Also, it gives the manager time to think – you're not telling them at the last moment, so there's time to come up with a well thought out mitigation plan.
Such a conversation is also an opportunity to discuss fully the situation and develop trust. Your manager will know that you are warning them to protect them from a failure somewhere and they will appreciate it.
Lesson 37: Make it Easy for Them
Make interactions with your manager something pleasant and predictable so he can relax when he talks with you. For example, If you have a meeting with him and you want to talk about an email or several emails you sent him in the past week, have those emails printed out and with you for the meeting. Don't expect he will remember your email or know where it is.
What could I do to make things easier for my manager this week?
Lesson 38: Create a Drama-Free Zone
Consider the experience of traveling by plane: There is packing your bags, getting ready for the trip, getting to the airport, checking in bags, worry about others (if you have kids with you), getting your boarding pass, getting through the TSA checkpoint, walking to the gate, waiting, walking to another gate (if the gate changed), watching out for strangers and thieves, boarding the plane and arranging your carry-on bags. Then you sit down. Do you remember the relief you felt when you finally sat down after all that effort?
A manager’s day is like traveling by plane every day. There are dozens of things to worry about and many complex steps. Only when the day is over can managers relax and rest (and that’s only if they shut off their phone and PC). Unless you create a drama-free zone. Then your manager can relax at that meeting.
Managers often call the job of managing both "the best of all possible worlds" and "proof that no good deed goes unpunished.” This is because people act like children in kindergarten. There is whining, arguments, people missing deadlines, people upsetting clients, absences without cause, those employees taking 2-hour lunches, those missing key meetings, sub-quality work product, etc., etc., etc.<
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Drama-free zone means you are the adult in the room. It means your behavior is the same every day–no whining, no surprises, no issues, no problems, no drama. Your meeting with them may be the only easy, drama-free meeting they have all week. You become for them an ally they can trust; one less person they have to worry about.
Lesson 39: What You Say You Will Do
Do what you say you will do. When you make a commitment with your manager, honor that commitment. If you say you will be in at 7 A.M. on Saturday to get the packages ready for 10 A.M. shipment for a trade show next Monday, you had better be there at 7 A.M. Showing up at 8 A.M. won't earn you any trust points. Especially, if you find that your manager came in and finished your work.
If you aren’t acting and building this kind of trust and expectation with your manager, eventually you may regret it.
Lesson 40: Be Reliable and Trustworthy
Nothing says you like and respect your manager as much as being reliable and trustworthy and doing that consistently over a proven period. That is the gold standard everyone should work towards. If you aren’t doing that, reconsider whether you really want to do that job.
The alternative to being reliable and trustworthy is that you become a liability or a negative variable for the manager. Liabilities and variables are mitigated or removed. Questions?
Lesson 41: Always Make Them Look Good
Don’t Work Stupid, Coach Yourself Page 6