So, as they lay together in the night he told her about his family and himself, his mother and sister. He told about all except for Mark, up until just before the time when he first met her. She had barely moved as he talked, just asked questions along the way.
Now she looked into his face with a dreamy smile, which transformed into a wicked grin. Very slowly and deliberately she kissed him on the lips, a long and lingering kiss, which went on and on. His body felt on fire with the intimacy of her touch.
At last she broke away and asked, eyes crinkled in a smile. “Did you like that? I have seen married people do that after they get married. I wanted to try it and see how it felt with you. It was so much better than I imagined. Now I want to do it again and again.”
Vic answered, “For someone who doesn’t know what to do to please a man you seem to be working it out pretty fast. My whole body feels on fire with desire for you. Soon we really will be living in sin if you keep doing that. I won’t be able to stop myself from having all the rest.”
Jane gazed intently at him in a puzzled way. “If you liked it why do you want to stop doing it? If you desire me this way why stop? I don’t want to stop you doing anything with me or having any part of me. I don’t care what the man in the church is talking about.”
Vic felt himself drowning in the sea of her eyes. He wanted to keep kissing her; he wanted to do much more, to fully join his body to hers.
And yet; and yet; he did not want to abuse her childlike trust by taking her in this way without her understanding of what this act was or meant. He had to find a way to give her an understanding of what she was offering so she could choose whether this was what she still wanted when she knew what it signified.
He willed himself to block out his awareness of her closeness, to only focus on what he thought was best for her. She needed to know who she was and from whence she came so she could make a real choice about whether to go to this next place with him.
That was what they had started to do before the distraction of her mouth joining to his had intervened. So he put his finger back on her lips to break the spell and stop her going back to this place of intimacy.
He said, “I don’t want to stop this anymore than you do. But I think we first need to talk some more about who you are. Then you can decide if this being really married is still what you want.”
An uncharacteristic look of annoyance and hurt came over her face, as if she felt rejected as a woman by his not taking her fully right now.
Vic felt torn, he wanted her so much, he both desired to have her body and did not want to hurt her self-esteem; yet it just did not feel right to consummate their togetherness without her understanding.
He felt her pull away, as if to leave the bed. He put his hands firmly on her shoulders to stop her going. He looked at her with all the intensity that was burning inside him.
“I have loved you since the day I first saw you. Tonight I want so much to keep doing what we were just doing together, kissing and more. But please, trust me, don’t pull away or leave me. Just let me hold you and tomorrow we will start the telling of your other life.
“When enough parts are told for you to know from where you came then you can decide where you want to go from here, and if you want me there with you. Then, once you have chosen with real knowledge, I will go with you wherever you want, as far as you want, without limit.
“You are the most beautiful and precious thing I have ever known and I want you so much in every way that a man can want a woman. Now seeing your sad face I cannot bear to see you hurt.
“But I have been entrusted with my own knowledge of what came before which I must honour too. So I must find a way to bring those two things back together before we go further from here.”
As he spoke he could feel her begin to relax, and the hurt washed out of her face, replaced by an intensity of her own. She nodded, for them both further words seemed inadequate to match their feelings.
He drew her back in close and they lay very still, barely touching. After a few minutes her breathing slowed to an even and regular pattern. He knew she had fallen asleep, still trusting and touching him. He felt so blessed. Soon he slept too.
Chapter 12 - Once
Next day, after breakfast, Jane found herself making beds with Thea. She wanted to broach the subject with Thea about how a man and woman should be together, but did not know how to begin.
It seemed too unbelievable to admit that she, a woman with two children, did not know about intimate things between a man and a woman, but it was true. Thea was her friend and she needed to find these things out, but yet she could not find a way to broach the subject.
She must have seemed distracted because suddenly she realized that Thea was talking to her and she had not been listening. Thea snapped fingers in front of her face, “Hey you, Jane, you seem to be off with the fairies this morning. I was asking you something; well really I was making an offer. But if you are too busy to listen I will stop talking and save it for another day.”
Jane brought her attention back to the now, “Sorry, I was trying to think of how to ask a complicated question. What were you saying?”
Thea said, “I suggested that I pay you back for the couple times when you minded my children, when I had to go out. I thought, maybe, I could mind David and Annie for the night so you and Vic could have a night out together, perhaps go to a movie of something. What do you think?”
The idea sounded really exciting to Jane. She said, “That sounds great, I will say it to Vic. What night is good for you?”
Thea said, “Why not tonight?”
Jane said she would check with Vic at lunchtime as he was working around the park today and would be back then.
So, when he came home for lunch, she said it to him.
Vic agreed with a wide grin, she suspected it was as much to please her as for himself, but he had told her before how he had loved going to the pictures with his friends when he lived in Alice Springs.
So tonight they decided they would go to the picture theatre in Caloundra, just the two of them, and she felt thrilled. She said to Vic that even though they had been together for months it felt like a first date.
When Vic went back to work she told Thea they would go and asked her for any suggestions about what to see. So, over a cup of tea, they sat down and looked at the paper together which listed the movies.
Thea pointed to a movie called “Once”, saying she had seen it a couple years ago and loved it; it was a sweet romance about an Irish busker and a European immigrant. Now the musical of it was coming to Melbourne and the movie was being re-shown as part of the publicity. So Thea said perhaps Jane would like it. Then Thea pointed to a couple of other movies and said Vic might prefer them, they were more action movies.
They each went their own way once they had confirmed arrangements. Tonight, once Vic got home, about half past five, Jane and he would get ready to go. Thea would come to their unit at 6 pm so she could mind David and Anne in their own place; feed them and put them to bed once they were tired. Then Thea would bunk her children down on the lounge next to her while she watched TV until they got home.
So Jane dressed up, washing her hair, putting on lipstick and perfume the way Thea had shown her. She could feel happy anticipation within her.
Then Vic was home and in fifteen minutes he was ready too. So they sat and enjoyed a beer until Thea came. Jane felt the excitement; it was her first remembered date. Tonight would be special, she would make it so.
As they were finishing their drinks there was a knock on the door and Thea with children in tow, came in. The children settled down in front of the TV to play while the three adults chatted for a few minutes. Then Thea shooed them out telling them to go off and enjoy their night. She said not to hurry, to go out for some supper after, because she would just fall asleep if she was tired.
As they walked out to his car Vic took Jane’s hand, which she really liked, and then told her how beautiful she looked
, which she liked even more. He asked did she know what she wanted to see, and she said that Thea had suggested a movie called ‘Once’ which was on at seven o’clock, but she was happy if he wanted to choose something else.
Vic said, “Once sounds great to me.”
They parked the car in the town and walked up the road to the theatre. Other people were gathering in the foyer, creating an excited buzz. Vic went to the sign called “Box Office” and bought tickets, then handed one to her.
She read; “Once – Cinema 3”. They walked into the dim room and she chose a seat towards the front, just off to the side, it was as if her mind had unconsciously known where she wanted to sit.
She felt a thrill as the lights dimmed and then watched with fascination as the ads for local businesses and a series of what turned out to be previews to other movies came on, all looked really exciting. Unconsciously she slipped her hand into Vic’s and snuggled into him, her head resting in the space under his neck.
Then their movie was on and she settled into the story. There was a man sitting on the pavement playing music and this girl came along, drawn to him and fascinated by his talent. They went to a place to make music. Now they had started singing a song together.
Jane was entranced, and as she listened to the words she could feel tears running down her cheeks. It was as if the song had been written specially for her and Vic.
“I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that.”
When it finished she looked at Vic through tears. “That was a song about you and me, especially about me and how I feel with you.”
It burnt into my brain and inside I am singing it just for you.
She sang a part quietly in a voice that only he could hear.
“Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back.
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now”
She continued speaking softly. “This song says what is important to do.
“Even though my mind does not know you from before I want you all the more for that. Your eyes look at me and know me and I can’t go back. We have both suffered enough, we will not war with ourselves. It is time that we win and have what we want. I will raise my hopeful voice and make a choice to have you and only you from now.
“It means we must have our full life together from now. I choose to give you all of myself. I know you want to tell me who I am before I decide about us. But, as the song says, I don’t know you but I want you all the more for that. I don’t need to know anything that came before. It is sufficient to know where I am now. Being in this place with you is the only thing I want. It is more than enough to have this.
“So, from tonight, let there be no more talk of needing to know the past to decide. I know you now, I want you now. That is all that matters, that is enough for me.”
Vic felt overcome by emotion, this beautiful girl, with no knowledge of her past had chosen him now. It was more than enough for him too.
So they sat and shared the movie in solitude together. Others were there in the theatre too, but their world had only space enough for two.
They went out for supper together. It was a crowded place, but again for Jane it was a place only with space for two. She sat snuggled into Vic, feeling total trust, knowing tonight she would discover the woman within herself with this man. She told him so.
He said he was totally happy to just live in this place with her, to let the past take care of the past.
They came home to a quiet house, five people asleep. Thea woke out and stumbled off back to her own house, Vic carrying one child and Thea the other, asleep in their arms.
Then it was just the two of them. They went and stroked and cuddled their children, both asleep in their own room.
Then Jane said, “It is time. Now show me how to become the person who really is married to you, you have chosen me and I have chosen you.”
So he brought her to their bedroom. He lifted off her dress. She stood there in the half light, wearing only her underwear.
He said. “God you look beautiful, Take of the rest of your clothes too. I want to fill my eyes with you.”
She nodded, self-conscious under his eyes, but her whole body tingling with an unknown feeling of aching desire. She turned her back to him so he could unclip her bra and then slid off her panties and turned to face him.
He led her to the bed and she lay there while he took off his own clothes. Now they lay naked, side by side. Then he gave her a long and lingering kiss before he took her breast in his mouth and stroked and caressed all her body, until finally, when she could wait no longer, he came inside her.
Slowly he moved and brought her to a place where her body was rising and falling with his, like waves in a sea. As he did she hugged him tight and kept her eyes, brimming with tears, locked on his. In that moment of pure adoration she felt him let himself go. His whole body shuddered in time with hers and as it did she was in a place of ecstasy too. It was like a first time for both of them. The physical pleasure was almost unbearable, but most wonderful was the joy she felt as their joining went on and on, she was riding on the crest of a wave in the ocean that went on and on forever.
After, as she lay dreamy in his arms, she said. “Now I understand what a man and a woman do to give pleasure to each other. That was far more wonderful than anything I could ever have imagined or dreamt. Can we do it again, soon? I am glad you showed me, it would be difficult to ask Thea about that. If this is part of being married to you, then I want this part most of all”.
Vic did not answer; he just kissed her then made love to her again. After that they both slept until sunlight and children’s chatter woke them. It was good to be a complete family. As they lay together with their children Jane said, “I would like to know my parents, just as my children know theirs.”
Chapter 13 - A Legal Minefield
Alan had spent two months going round and round in circles with the lawyers and the police, trying to figure out a way to get somewhere with this case so that Susan could re-emerge without her whole world imploding.
The judge who had heard the original murder trial was sympathetic, the police commissioner was sympathetic, as he knew there was lots of public sympathy for her following Anne’s program’s on TV, But the prosecution was playing hard-ball, there was a legal minefield in Susan’s conviction for murder that had never been overturned.
Alan felt his life was more and more caught up in endless meetings with lawyers who all had opinions for sale and big egos about how their view of the world was correct. But none had a way forward to get this mess of legal process resolved, other than something like a new hearing and a retrial.
He did not want to go there, even if he could get Susan’s or her family’s cooperation. Without her having memory of what had gone before the whole thing seemed futile, even without considering the further damage it may cause her if it reopened all those wounds again.
Anne, using David’s money, had retained the best barrister that money could buy. He seemed to have the best ideas about how to unscramble this omelette, but even he seemed to have no concrete way forward.
Then there were the ever present leaks that were coming out. There was a mole in a key place inside either Police and or the Attorney General’s department, someone with access to not everything, but enough to keep stoking the fires of a campaign against this girl. It seemed to centre on one English tabloid or web-news service, where a black journalist, by-line Jake SS, whoever he was, seemed to keep digging up juicy morsels. that this girl had run away and gone into hiding to escape the consequences of her actions, that she really was the evil and conniving bitch as portrayed in the papers of a year and a half ago, when she had disappeared. This journalist was based in England, but he clearly he had an NT source that was feed
ing him.
The one thing that Alan was pleased about was that he had been able to calm requests for a full scale search for Susan led by the Queensland Police, as it was believed she was living there. He had stuck to the line, which was true, that he had no direct knowledge of Susan’s location. He had just been advised by an intermediate source of her existence and the need to secure a legal guarantee that she would not have to return to jail before she or her family could agree to her return or assistance with inquiries.
While she was technically guilty of murder and out on bail, with the conclusion of the inquest it was clear that she had no direct role in any murder other than that of Mark and, in his case that she had acted on the basis of a real fear for her life. So a retrial would almost certainly find self-defence now that these facts were known.
But there could be no retrial without her, and no useful purpose would be served by one after all else that had passed.
It seemed that the best legal option was to seek some form of pardon, which left the conviction stand but agreed that, in view of the circumstances, no sentence be imposed and she be free to resume her life in whatever form she chose. However there were plenty of problems with this option including her authorizing this request which required knowledge and understanding of what had gone before. At some stage it would need formal communication to occur between her and the parties of the government to arrange this. A pardon was also normally only exercised when an appeal had failed.
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