Sunlit Shadow Dance

by Graham Wilson

  A grumpy sounding “Come In,” came back and she walked in, putting on her calm and determined face as he looked up.

  “Oh it is you, Beck,” he said, giving her a much more pleasant smile than his voice belied.

  “You sound frazzled,” she replied.

  “Just these endless crappy cabinet papers, for Thursday’s meeting. Some people need to learn how to write simple English. They say lawyer English is bad. But we have got nothing on these high faluting civil servants, bloody jumped up office clerks who think we want to read endlessly about strategic plans, key performance indicators, milestones of success. It is enough to give me a headache and make my beard go grey. Why can’t they just say what they mean?

  He paused for a second to draw breath, “Sorry for the rant. I am sure you did not need to know that. How can I help?”

  “Friday is a clear day, right?”

  “Well unless I can bugger off for the day after Cabinet and go fishing. But I suppose I can make myself available if needed, especially seeing as you ask with such charm,” he said, winking.

  “Dr Ross Sangster has just rung and I said I would call him back in a minute. He sent me his report and the DVD of our own Lost Girl, Susan. I was just looking at it before he called. He has to come to Darwin on Thursday to meet with an aboriginal patient. He asked if he could schedule a meeting with us to discuss his report, preferably on Friday. I am good for that day, your diary says the same. Jenny is checking re Judge Davis and Coroner Edwards. It would be best if we are there together to hear what he has to say. So I wanted to double check with you before I said ‘Yes’ on your behalf. I will try to keep as much of your day free for that fishing trip as I can manage, but no promises.”

  He grimaced. “That’s what I both love and hate about you, your bloody efficiency. So the answer is ‘Yes’, if I must, I will even admit to a twinge of curiosity about this one. What does the video show?”

  “Well it is definitely her. She looks much different but I know her voice. She looks both genuine and scary. She sounds bright but brittle at first but then …” She grimaced, “Best that you see for yourself. It shook me.”

  Jenny had found time in both the judge and coroner’s diaries between 8am and 10 am, after that both were booked solid.

  Beck replied, “OK put them both in for 8am, meet here, and tell them both to block out the two hours. It may take less, but it is a complicated story and you never know. Tell them both I will hand deliver a DVD and a report this afternoon for their eyes only.”

  She went back in and closed the door before calling Ross, not that she did not trust Jen, but one leaker in her organization was more than enough.

  By the time Ross came off the phone she had agreed to have dinner with him on Friday night and also do some sightseeing over the weekend. He was booked in from 8 to 9 am on Friday for the meeting on his report. Then he would have to go off and amuse himself for the day while she and the others decided where to go with this. Then she would prepare all the required documents to action whatever they decided.

  She really hoped they all would agree on a pardon, with it to happen as soon as possible. She really wanted to give this girl a chance to disappear totally, sooner was better lest Jacob run her to ground. She must find a way to warn her that a bloodhound was on her trail, perhaps Alan could do that.

  Friday came before she had time to think, she was at work early that day to make sure that Jen was on duty keeping everyone else away and had set up a big screen in the conference room to allow them to all view the video together. On the table in front of each man’s chair sat a copy of the report and a preliminary position paper giving a summary of the report and then recommending on the steps from here.

  The others were seated, perusing their documents, when Ross arrived. She escorted him in, did the introductions, then passed him the remote control, saying, “Before we go through your report, which seems quite straight forward, could you walk us through the video and give us your impressions both on the patient and what happened on the day.”

  He nodded and started the video, explaining the first sequence, where Susan spoke to him unasked before he had asked her any questions. He said from after that section he had blanked out the name of her partner at the request of the barrister for the other side, but otherwise it was unchanged.

  He then explained the gap in the sequence saying, “Next I asked her to tell me about what she first remembered from her life now. She described arriving, heavily pregnant in a location in north Queensland, with no understanding of how she came to be there, just that one morning she was standing beside a road holding a bag with a name written on it, she decided that must be her name and since then she has gone by that name.

  “She found a job working in the town and soon after gave birth to two babies, a boy and a girl who are now nearly two years old. Since that time she has moved on to various other locations. I am unable to disclose her current name or any of the locations where she has been which is why that section of the tape is missing.”

  He then moved on to the next part of the DVD sequence saying. I now tried to see if any memories existed of her life before and it turned out she had just a few which finish when she lived in England around the age of twelve. Significantly her last clear memory is of meeting her friend Anne, the person you have no doubt seen on the television documentaries, searching for the ‘Lost Girls’.

  I do not know for certain but I assume that she is now in touch again with both Anne and her parents who for a long time were all desperately searching with no idea of what had become of her. If so it is good for her to have a little bit of stability and reconnection in what must have been an extremely difficult and traumatic part of her life.

  The DVD started playing again and they all watched rapt as she told about her memories of her friend and her holiday on the farm, then of her love for the wildlife of Africa. It had a dreamy, almost otherworld, feel to it. They had all seen it before and knew what was coming. Yet all had an intense look of anxiety of their faces as the crocodile question came out.

  Ross let it run to the end without a word spoken, then he turned it off and faced them saying.

  “My final question was very foolish. I don’t know why I asked it. After that I wished I had not. At first the other side wanted me to take that part out. I persuaded them not too, this picture speaks far louder than words.

  “We can all see, despite the new life she has made, there is a connection to the old. I do not doubt for a minute that she is totally genuine in saying she remembers nothing, he mind must have walled off that part as a last resort of self protection. But I would hate to put her in the witness box and start questioning her about that time, I would equally hate for it to happen from a journalist or third party.

  “I think the best thing we can do is to allow her to quietly disappear and get on with her new life, to respect the wish that she clearly has stated at the start of this video not to know about her past.

  “I am troubled that, even then, her past may come back to haunt her. But I would not like it on my hands to cause it. I fear it may not end well.

  “It is a strange thing. In many ways she is a delightful and lovely person. She has great warmness and kindness. It comes through very strongly, as if all her bad parts of her character have been taken away and locked out of reach. Now all that remains is a kind and gentle shell.

  “But the box of horrors is still there, buried somewhere. I would not wish to open it. When I spoke those words, the terror on her face was something I would never wish to see again. You can only glimpse it in this video. But that is enough to understand what a bad place that must be for her.

  “Perhaps with time she will find a way to deal with it, perhaps her family can help. But for us here today the kindest thing, in fact the only decent thing we can do, is not to harm her any more. So I leave it in your hands to find a legal way to let her get on with her new life. In effect that is what my report says, though it uses more long words. I
am sure you have already read it, but there is nothing in it that you cannot see here with you own eyes.

  “Her memory loss is genuine and it exists to protect her mind from something at the furthest edge of terror. It would be most foolish, much more than foolish, to force her to confront that place. I advise you in the strongest possible way, Do not do that!

  “Now any questions, gentlemen?”

  There were none. Dr Ross Sangster excused himself and left the room.

  The remainder of the meeting took but a few minutes. All present agreed to recommend to Executive Government that a pardon be granted to one, Susan Emily MacDonald to her conviction to the murder of Vincent Marco Bassingham.

  Beck was left alone to put the executive wheels in motion. By the end of the day it was all prepared for a meeting between the Attorney General, the Chief Minister and his key advisors on Monday. No problems were expected and the formal process was expected to take about a month.

  She took a deep breath and said a silent prayer as she walked out of the office that night that it would go smoothly so this girl could be excused to get on with her life, never to be found again by those who would do her harm.

  Chapter 25 – Confession

  Beck was full of trepidation at the thought of meeting Ross for dinner. With the advance notice she had arranged for a neighbor to sleep over with her Mum so she did not need to be back at a particular time.

  But since seeing the video she had a sense of betrayal of Ross’s trust in what she had told Jacob. She did not think his or her name would ever come out from Jacob. But she had used the ‘in confidence’ information Ross gave her to send Jacob off on his hunt for Susan. Jacob was exactly the type of bloodhound who would succeed.

  As the first step this afternoon she had rung Alan, told him about the agreement for the pardon, but also asked him to warn Susan’s friends to be very careful about her location. She suggested to Alan it might be a good idea for Susan to move to another part of Australia as, with documents floating around in senior government which referenced her examination by Ross Sangster in Brisbane, the chance of a leak was much greater. With this came the risk of journalists searching for her in this part of the state.

  Alan agreed she was right and said he would pass it on “post haste”.

  So, hopefully, that would protect Susan, but she did not feel sure. But what really ate at her was that she had betrayed the trust of a man she really liked. She hated facing him with this between them. After meeting Jacob she buried the money deep in a drawer of her clothes. Since seeing the video she could not bear to bring it out and touch it, it had such a tainted feel.

  As she dressed to go out she looked at her over-strong jaw and nose and wished she had been born softer and prettier. Not that Ross was a drop dead gorgeous type either, but she wanted him to look at her with liking on this night out together. She thought that perhaps she was as nervous of him and how he looked at her as of the secret she held. After looking in the mirror again she gave away the effort at covering her face with a layer of make-up, he would have to take her as he found her.

  They met in the lobby bar of the hotel he was staying in. An excellent restaurant with a mixed Asian cuisine, which she really liked, was next door. For ease she had suggested it.

  He was already at the bar when she walked in and he looked as nervous as she felt. That relieved her that maybe he cared what she thought of him too. He looked well with black pants and a white shirt and his black hair neatly brushed back. He was much taller than her when she came up to him. Impromptu she leaned up on her toes and lightly kissed his cheek in greeting.

  In return he took her hands and looked at her saying, in a quaint, old-worldly way, “You look quite lovely.”

  “She blushed with pleasure.”

  They fell into casual conversation. She went to talk about the case at first, but he pressed a finger to her lips saying, “It is not so often I get to have dinner with a beautiful girl. How about you begin by telling me about yourself and how you come to be living here, working in such an important position.”

  So they chatted about her. She found she did not want to pretend with this man. She told him of her mother again, but in more detail, how she lived with her and cared for her and it left little time for other things. She said, “Really I don’t have much time for going out now so I lead a fairly boring life. My days of being an out there party girl are long gone. It is strange how work has become my sanity outlet.”

  He nodded, sympathetic, but more, as if he understood, saying. “My life is not too dissimilar to yours, not that I have the reason you have of caring for another. But I am not easy in most people’s company. I find that small talk does not come easily away from work. I often seem to say silly, inappropriate things. So, like you, my work has become my passion and main outlet. It is where I feel most comfortable. I sometimes wish I was a naturally social person. So it is nice to find a kindred soul.”

  After that they followed other lines of conversation as they ate their dinner. He liked listening to classical music and they shared this interest, he had dabbled in photography as had she. The meal drifted by with a pleasant meandering feel. After the meal was done they moved to a lounge chair in a small alcove, sitting side by side but not touching, sharing a glass of port.

  Finally he asked her about the case which she quickly updated him on.

  He looked both relieved and pleased when she told him about the agreement on the pardon, saying, “I am very fearful for this girl, lest she be discovered. I only hope my own foolish mistake, that question about the crocodile, has not really harmed her. In the second after I said it, even before she had registered it, I wished I could have taken the words back. I think it was my ego, wanting to be clever and play God, the great fixer, rather than just waiting for her own self discovery. I have damaged her trust. I hope I have not damaged more. The thought gives me sleepless nights.

  “Have you ever deeply wished you could undo something?”

  As he spoke he looked into her eyes with searching intensity, as if seeking to discover kindness in her soul.

  She felt shame well up, his mistake seemed such a small thing compared to what she had done, but for him she could tell the pain was real. She knew she must take this chance to unburden herself too.

  She took his hand which rested on the couch beside her, squeezed it with her own and turned her face back to his, searching his eyes as she gathered courage. “Thank you for telling me, it must be hard to speak of this. In time I think she will come to understand that you meant her no harm.”

  She took a deep breath to steel herself to go on, collecting her faltering words. “I have done something far worse, a thing that shames me. I harmed you and her in what I did.”

  His eyes stared into hers in a kind, nonjudgmental way. She stumbled through the story, the lust and betrayal, the taking of the money, the buying of things to help her mother, and then the day just gone when she met this man again and took his money in return for telling what Ross had told her. She saw the pain in his face as she told of that, a wince. He did not look away.

  She finished by saying, “After I saw the video I could not bear to touch the money. It is still in my drawer. I feel, having sold out, I should take it, use it to buy the thing for which I paid the price. Then a small piece of good can follow the bad. But I cannot bear one more betrayal. Before I saw her face and terror I pretended I was harming no-one, even though it was a lie.

  “I cannot pretend anymore. In her face I saw the harm I had done to her, now and before. So, if I cannot repair that, I must do no further harm.”

  Beck found her body shaking as she spoke; it revolted against her mind in tearless horror. Ross did not speak but put a big arm around her shoulder and pulled her in against him, cradling her head like a child. They sat like that for some unknown time.

  At last he spoke. “What you did was a bad and selfish thing, and cannot be undone. For that you will always carry shame. Now you must learn to l
et it go. One day, should the chance arise, you must tell these words to those you have hurt, the girl and her man. They are good people and I am sure they would forgive as I do. Then perhaps you can begin to forgive yourself. In the meantime we should do something good with that money. Not use it for your mother, I will make sure she gets the wheelchair she needs without you needing to lie and steal secrets. But you should use it to help others in great need, those you do not know. That way the money will not taint them too.”

  Beck put her arm around him and lay her head against his shoulder. “Did anyone tell you, you are a good man and a good friend.”

  The weekend passed with them spending most of the time in each other’s company. They were not lovers but their friendship was a deep and intense thing, they had shared their deepest and worst secrets so now they felt as if they could each tell the other anything.

  On Saturday they drove out to Litchfield National Park. They walked alone along a barren stony track for half an hour until it plunged down a hole in the hills. They swam together in a clear rock-encased pool, both a little self-conscious about their revealed, imperfect bodies. A late wet season water flow plunged over a sheer cliff into this shadowed place below, spraying them with a fine mist that flowed over their bodies and made surreal shapes as they drifted in and out of the fog into the gloomy light.

  That night Beck played host at her own house. While she worked away in the kitchen preparing food, Ross charmed her mother and the next door neighbor, a regular visitor who covered for when Beck was away, she was a longstanding friend of the family.

  On Sunday night, in fact early Monday morning, she went with Ross to the airport for his red-eye flight to Brisbane. She sat with him at a small table, sipping a coke and keeping odd snippets of conversation going but mostly just sharing silence.

  Finally, when the flight was called, Ross took her hands, saying, “Thank you for a wonderful weekend; the best in my memory.

  “I have been meaning to tell you but was not sure how to say it. I have been offered a job in Darwin, working at the hospital in the Rehabilitation Unit for people with brain injury, both from alcohol and traumatic causes. It sounds exciting, but in truth half the attraction is because you live here. What do you think about me taking it?”