by JL Bryan
When she returned home, she intended to study and practice making herself look like a normal girl of this time and place. Instead, she read Slaughterhouse-Five. She'd begun to suspect the main character wasn't really traveling in time at all, but was experiencing and remembering his life as broken fragments dissociated from each other. With her own memories cracked into pieces, and large chunks of her life still missing, Raven could still identify with him.
The book also made her see war in a new way--not as a clash between good and evil, but a senseless collision of misguided, ignorant people, many of them innocently trying to serve some higher cause while obliterating each other with deadly weapons. War seemed sadder and more pointless that way, she thought.
She felt more secure in her choice to delay killing Logan. Her new mission was unclear, and she was proceeding blindly toward an uncertain goal, but the uncertainty seemed better than simply acting as an agent of destruction and spreading a war from the future back into the past.
Raven finally finished the book. She carried her new makeup kit and women's magazines into the bathroom and did her best to imitate the models, smearing on eyeshadow, blush, lipstick, and blobs of black mascara. The image in the mirror didn't look right at all. It was garish, like the face of a psychotic clown.
She heard the front door creak, then Audra's light footsteps in the living room. Audra knocked on the bathroom door.
"Anybody in there?" she asked.
"I'm just...trying some new makeup," Raven said.
Audra opened the door, had a look at Raven's face, and burst into laughter.
"That's great!" Audra said. "Are you going to an early Halloween party or what? Let me guess--you're a dead hooker, right?"
Raven frowned at herself in the mirror, and her unnaturally red lips amplified it.
"I don't know what I'm doing!" Raven threw down the lipstick. "I look terrible."
"Are you serious?" Audra covered her mouth. "You're not trying for the dead hooker look?"
"I don't have much practice. I need to look...better."
"Why?"
Raven shrugged, and Audra uncovered her mouth, smiling.
"It's a guy, isn't it? You're trying to get your hands on some guy?" Audra asked.
"No...maybe. I don't know." Raven turned on the faucet and washed her face.
"Hm, 'maybe' usually means 'yes' in this situation." Audra looked at her in the mirror. "Are you telling me you've never used makeup before? Were your parents fundies or something?"
Raven didn't understand the second question, so she just shrugged. "You don't wear any," she pointed out.
"You should have seen me in middle school, up at four-thirty every morning to get my face and hair right. Since then, I've learned to reject the billion-dollar fashion and beauty industry and the way they create and exploit female insecurities." Audra glanced at the magazines on the edge of the sink. "Not that I'm trying to proselytize or anything, but I know I became much happier once I stopped focusing on my appearance and obsessing over how people saw me."
"I'm not obsessing, I'm just trying to..."
"Look good for your crush? What's his name?"
"I'm not...it's not..." Raven felt flustered and splashed more water on her face.
"Come on, tell me!" Audra grinned in the mirror. "If you tell me, I'll help you with your look. I promise you won't end up in hemp sandals. Not yet, anyway."
"You can't tell anyone," Raven said. "I'm serious."
"My lips are zipped! You can trust me."
"Okay." Raven took a deep breath. "His name is Logan."
"Logan what?"
"Carraway. You probably don't know him, but--"
"Wait a minute. Carraway, as in the hellspawn of Senator Carraway?" Audra looked angry, her hands balling into fists.
"His grandfather is a United States Senator. Do you know Logan?"
"I know about his family, like anyone with a basic awareness of our modern political environment. They're the worst. They protect the companies that dump toxins into our water and air. They're lap dogs for the pharmaceutical lobby, the oil lobby, Wall Street...they support every war anyone's ever proposed..."
"You're talking about his grandfather, though, right?" Raven asked. "Do you know anything about Logan himself? He can't control what his family does."
"They're probably all the same. They've been that way for generations." Audra shook her head. "Why are you interested in that guy?"
"It's hard to explain."
"It's hard to understand. Listen, Riley, people like us are better off avoiding people like that."
"People like us?"
"People who work in the dining halls, people on financial aid. You're like me, aren't you? Normal life, public school, parents who worried about the bills every single month of your life. You worked hard to get where you are, on your own strength. You're not one of them. You've never had staff to wash your laundry and cook your meals. You don't have millions of dollars waiting in a trust fund somewhere. I can tell that about you."
"So what? We're all human, aren't we?"
"No, we're not. People like you and me, we meet someone, fall in love, and have children. People like them forge alliances and breed heirs. What kind of alliance are you offering? Is your family rich and powerful?"
"No," Raven whispered. Her memories of her family and childhood were still missing. She only remembered the war.
"Then he will never take you seriously," Audra said. "Will he sleep with you? Sure. Will he ever see you as an equal? Of course not. You might be a plaything to him, for a little while, but eventually he'll get serious and find someone of his own class."
"You can say that without even knowing him?"
"I know the type."
"So you won't help me."
"I am helping you, Riley. Trust me, you can find someone who will treat you better. Also, trust me on this..." Audra threw the makeup kit into the trash can.
"Why did you do that?"
"Because you should start over somewhere that's at least on the same planet as your natural colors. You may as well go au naturel with me tonight. Nobody's going to care at an Astral Banjo show. They'll be too busy staring at the psychedelic lights." Audra wet a towel and wiped the remaining streaks of makeup from Raven's face. "There, now you look gorgeous."
Raven smiled at her in the mirror.
The concert was in a small, dark bar on Crown Street. The place was about half-full, not a large turnout for the show. Audra greeted a few of the younger people in the audience and introduced Raven as her new roommate.
Raven smiled and did her best to memorize the names of the people to whom she was introduced. It was hard to hear over the band's amplifier system, and hard to see in the strobing beams of colored light that swept the room.
Astral Banjo had one banjo player, though he switched to a guitar for some of the songs. Audra had described their music as "a folky, bluegrassy, acid rock-y kind of thing." The band's songs seemed very long, with extended instrumental breaks.
Audra took her to the bar and bought two clear plastic cups full of a drink that glowed blue under the ultraviolet lights. She laughed when Raven asked what it was. It had a sweet chemical taste and a much stronger effect than she expected. It must have been loaded with some flavorless liquor like vodka.
The more she drank, the better the band sounded. Raven found herself dancing with Audra and her friends in the small, swaying knot of people right in front of the stage. Audra handed her a second drink, and possibly a third--Raven's brain was already too unsteady to remember.
The band had multiple guitar players, a sometimes-banjo-player, a drummer, and a guy who used a laptop computer to work the lights. They all had beards and glasses. Raven couldn't remember the band's name now, but she decided they should be called Glasses and the Beards. She tried to explain this brilliant renaming idea to a couple of Audra's friends, but they didn't seem to understand her slurred words. They just nodded and gave her polite smiles.
> An older guy in a tie-dyed shirt danced much too close to her, bouncing against her hip. She tried to nudge him away, but accidentally shoved him a bit too hard. He crashed into a girl and a guy behind him, and all three slammed to the floor.
People pointed at Raven, looking upset with her. Someone was up in her face, yelling. She punched him and bloodied his nose.
Audra grabbed Raven's arm and hauled her away.
"Are we leaving?" Raven's voice was badly slurred.
"Hell, yes, we're leaving! The bouncer's coming! Hurry!" Audra, drunk herself, helped Raven stumble to the front door. They spilled out onto the sidewalk, laughing as they tried to keep their balance.
Chapter Thirteen
Raven awoke the next morning with an aching head. She made a breakfast of sliced apples, oranges, and fresh eggs fried in real butter. There was coffee imported from Colombia. She couldn't help noticing that life in the past was far, far more comfortable and pleasant than life in the future. A part of her was tempted to settle here and forget about returning altogether. Eliad had said there wouldn't be a life waiting at home for her, anyway. She found herself wondering whether he would cup of coffeemake a return appearance. She owed him a slapping, and she was eager to give it to him.
Audra yawned and stretched as she entered the kitchen, and Raven offered her a plate with eggs, fruit, and jellied toast.
"Wow!" Audra gaped as Raven poured her a cup of coffee. "You're the best roommate ever, aren't you?"
"I was just hungry. I made too much."
"I'll have to puke before I eat," Audra said. "It would be a shame to do it the other way around. Why did we drink so much?"
"The main reason was that you kept ordering them."
"I'm so stupid. This is supposed to be my sober semester. I wish I could go back in time and smack myself. My God, this is some potent truck-driver coffee. What are you planning to do today, run a marathon?"
"Just shopping. I need new clothes."
"'Beware of enterprises requiring new clothes,'" Audra said.
"What?"
"Nothing. Thoreau. You aren't buying new clothes to impress that boy, right?"
"What do you think he would like?" Raven asked.
"I knew it!" Audra shook her head. "I want the record to show I'm totally against this. You're a smart, strong woman. Judging by how you dropped those guys at the bar last night, I'd say you're a ninja. How did you get into a fight, anyway? I drank too much to remember all of it."
"I don't remember anything, either," Raven said. It wasn't true, but it was the easiest way to avoid the subject.
"Anyway, you don't have to date jerks like Logan."
"I can't explain it. I don't have to date him, I just have to..." Raven wasn't sure what more to say. She could hardly tell Audra she was on a mission to change the future.
"Sometimes we learn best when we jump off a cliff and crash," Audra said. "Since you're such an amazing, breakfast-making kind of roommate, I'll help you crash."
"I don't need help failing."
"That's not what I mean. I'll help you land this guy, and then you'll see for yourself he's just an empty bag of air. The sooner you do that, the sooner you forget him and move onward and upward to better guys."
"Thanks...I think."
"You're welcome. I've got a paper due tomorrow on Mycenaean pottery, so obviously I'd rather go shopping. If you want me to come, I mean."
"I'd really like that." Raven smiled, feeling relieved to have help. "I'm not sure what I plan to buy."
"If you're seriously trying to attract someone like Logan, and I can't change your brains before we get downtown, you'll have to display the correct cultural markers. This could totally be an anthropology project."
"What markers?"
"For him, you might lean toward the pricey sorority-slut look," Audra said, and Raven laughed. "Not too slutty. Or too sorority. Just enough. And...well...you might have to let the mom jeans go."
"Mom jeans?" Raven looked down at the comfortable, deep blue denim pants from the discount store.
"Yeah, sorry. I know some thrift shops where we can find great things cheap."
"Thanks."
"You should forget about him, though, and buy stuff you like instead. That's my advice."
"I'll think about it."
While Audra took a bath, Raven returned to her own room to check Logan's location. He was in Princeton for an Ivy League golf tournament. In addition to the rock climbing club and the intramural cross-country team, Logan played golf on the Yale men's team. From her map, her stalking, and the records of his college days available on her data cube, she'd learned he was a joiner, a member of many clubs and organizations, though he rarely took an active role in them. He was a mediocre student who spent his time socializing and playing.
At the thrift store, Audra found a vintage peasant top inset with beads and woven flowers and showed it to Raven. "What do you think?"
"That's not really what I'm looking for, but..." Raven said.
"Oh, I meant for me." Audra held it against herself.
"You have kind of a different look from a lot of people around here."
"Yeah, my hippie roots." Audra sighed. "I grew up in North Carolina, near Asheville. There was more of a community there. Do you ever miss being home? You said you're from Seattle, right? What's it like out there?"
Raven nodded. She'd claimed Seattle as her home city because it was on the opposite side of the country from both Connecticut and North Carolina. The city had stood out to her on a map, as though she were familiar with it. She didn't want to risk tangling herself in lies about her life, though, so she hurried to change the subject back to Audra.
"What's Asheville like?" Raven asked her.
"Oh, it's cool, it's really pretty in the mountains. I never thought I'd be so far from home, you know? I didn't expect to get accepted into any Ivy League schools. When the letter came from Yale, I couldn't ignore it...but I've never felt totally comfortable here. Do you like these jeans?" Audra help up a pair of faded, skinny-legged pants.
"I like them."
"Then we're on our way...look, those dresses are cute, right?"
"Nothing too long." Raven browsed through a circular rack of skirts. "I don't want my legs confined."
"In case you need to kick somebody in the face?"
"Exactly."
After Raven bought a pile of cheap used clothes, they moved on to more upscale shops downtown. Audra shook her head at the price tags, and Raven picked out only a few items. The emerging look for her new identity, "Riley," leaned towards professional wear, dark slacks and buttoned shirts, a wardrobe for an ambitious girl who intended to make it to the top. She mixed in a few casual items, like non-mom jeans and skimpy, sexy tops, plus a couple of casual t-shirts like most of the students wore. Audra embarrassed her by making her try on each item and publicly commenting on how her butt looked.
At one boutique, Raven looked over a display of lingerie, and she wondered just where, exactly, her ill-defined new mission might take her. She would have to do whatever was needed to burrow into the Secretary-General's life, but she could hardly imagine herself as sexy and alluring, like the models on the posters decorating the boutique's walls. Her body was sinewy and marked with battle scars. She was a fighter, not a lover.
"Wow, you are serious about this guy," Audra snickered, picking up a frilly thong.
"You don't have to say that here," Raven whispered. She felt herself blush and hated it.
Audra held up a simple black bra in front of Raven's chest. "Sexy but businesslike, just like the person you're trying to become. That's a lot to spend on something nobody sees until the last minute, though."
"I'll buy it."
Audra's eyes widened. "If you're spending money like that, you may as well buy me something, too."
"You want underwear?"
"I want lunch. Indian. You don't really have to buy it, I'm just hungry."
Raven bought the expensive lingerie an
d insisted on buying lunch, too. Over spicy vegetables, Raven asked just enough questions to keep Audra talking about her experiences at Yale, trying to absorb any useful details.
Raven needed a few other things, particularly a safe where she could stash her gun and data cube. Those lay in the crawlspace now, unguarded, where they could be easily found and taken.
One pair of security agents had already tracked her back from the future, and she had no doubt more could appear at any moment. They would eventually find her. Jebbie had suffered a terrible death, crushed and burned inside his truck, because he had helped Raven, and now she worried the same would happen to her new friend Audra. That was another reason she had to move fast, but she was still blindly stumbling along with no idea where her actions might lead.
She tried to smile as Audra told her a joke about a movie star whose name she didn't recognize.
Chapter Fourteen
On Tuesday, Raven waited anxiously for her chance to bump into Logan. She'd gone to a local hair salon, and now her dark hair was a bit shorter, and its texture had gone from coarse to silky. It felt unfamiliar when it brushed against her face and neck.
She'd spent far too long stressing over what to wear, and had finally gone with a black and white look--white collared shirt, unbuttoned a bit over a black bra top. The shirt left a narrow gap of bare skin visible over the waist of her black skirt. Had it been any shorter, it would have revealed the old, twisted knife scar on her stomach, as well as the molten-looking patch on her back where she'd been grazed by a plasma round years ago.
Her skirt almost reached her knees, and she wore a pair of stiff black suede boots that covered her from the knee down. From head to toe, she felt camouflaged, wrapped in her new identity. Riley, she reminded herself. It would only occur to her later that she'd copied the black and white look from the pushy, snobby blond girl at the coffee shop.
She stood on Elm Street on a cool, overcast morning, holding a Pentax 645N loaded with actual film, the sort of camera used by professional photographers, serious hobbyists, or students with money to burn. She snapped pictures of Battell Chapel, a dark sandstone church. The relentless sharp, dark, towering shapes of the campus had originally struck her as amusing, but had begun to feel sinister as she spent more time among them. The campus was a dark, twisted maze of stone walls and massive gates that made her think of medieval dungeons.