“The next morning?” I asked, rage and confusion creating one hell of a maelstrom in my head. Emotions rose up only to be replaced with another the moment it hit me. I was moving from rage to fear to heartache and back to rage in lightning speeds.
Ultimately I settled on sheer pain. It shattered my heart to realize that Reagan had been in town the day after I’d kicked Peony out. If only I’d known, I could have gone to her that day and made it right.
But it now seemed that she was shutting me out, but with good cause, from her perspective.
Fuck, she must hate me. I cringed, thinking of my precious girl rebuilding all those carefully constructed walls to keep me out after I’d gotten a glimpse of her wonderland, and now she was going to block me out all over again.
“Yeah, the next morning. Oh man, did Peony fuck up? Did she go all boiled bunny on you guys?”
“It seems that way,” I growled, but my mind was already racing, trying to figure out how I was going to get her back. “So tell me how Reagan hit Peony.” I said, trying to distract him and myself, and locking on that image to keep me going. If she was willing to fight for me, I would fight for her with everything I had.
And at this point it seemed there was only one way, to convince her of the truth, that I had no idea Peony was that crazy or had run her off like that.
It infuriated me again to think of Reagan believing she didn’t belong in my house…in our home.
There was one clear solution to all of this. I had to go to LA and win back my princess.
23
REAGAN
I was having that dream again, the one where Aaron was kissing me awake and had his hands all over me, bringing me into consciousness with his hot mouth and muscled body covering mine, making me writhe in ecstasy.
He leaned close to me, opened his mouth as if to say something, and a bark from the world outside jarred me into reality.
My eyes snapped open, and I found Tiger sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me intently. He wagged his tiny tail as soon as he noticed I was awake and yipped again.
“Hey there, Mister Wonderful,” I smiled sleepily. He might not be Aaron, but during these past few days, I was so grateful to have him in my life.
He dulled the pain that was ever present just under the surface of my mind. I was working continually to build up my protection again, but every time I thought I might make it through this relatively unscathed, something would remind me of Aaron, and the wall would crack, letting his memory in like a bright ray of sunshine through a brick wall.
I blocked his number on my phone and his profile on Facebook. It was the least I could do, but it helped somewhat, at least when I was at home.
I had gone back to work the day after my return, and Melanie wasn’t saying a thing. The look on my face told her enough, so she let me grieve in private. That showed how good a friend she was. She brought me lunch and coffees and let me know she’d be there when I was ready to talk.
I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to talk about that brutal humiliation.
Every day, I had to watch footage from the show and edit it, watch him kissing and flirting with the girls, make logical choices about what will benefit our production and keep the audience watching.
It was fucking horrible. Every time he brushed a girl’s hair like he did mine or held the back of her neck when he kissed her like he did me, I had to wonder if he’d been faking it all along.
Was he a better actor than I’d given him credit for?
I rolled out of bed and stretched, looked at Tiger, and said, “Fine, I’ll take you for a walk, but only after I shower and eat breakfast.”
He snorted again, jumped off the bed, and padded away to the living room.
Once I was ready, I hooked his leash on, and we headed to his favourite spot in the world, the dog park.
I let him run with all the spoiled poodles and high-maintenance Chihuahuas while I sat in the sun and pondered how my life had become so topsy turvy in such a short time.
I wasn’t this kind of woman, I’d never been this kind of woman. I wasn’t like Melanie, who fell into and out of love multiple times a year and never seemed scathed by any of it.
I was deep in thought when somebody sat down on the bench next to me. I glanced over and saw my father.
“Dad! What are you doing here?”
“Your doorman said you’d be here,” he replied in an even tone. He scanned the park for Tiger and smiled when he spotted him. “How’s my grandpuppy?”
“He’s good, he missed me.”
“So did I, you know,” he told me as he turned to look at me. I almost looked away. Meeting my father’s gaze hurt too much right now. I felt like such a failure after thinking I was so in love.
“That’s sweet,” I said, watching Tiger instead of my father.
“Listen, this project I have in mind. It’s a full-length feature, set in Thailand and loaded with a pretty heavy cast. Lots of star power. You wouldn’t be in charge, but you’d be high up there on credits. Are you interested, or are you still hellbent on moving to Alaska to be with some guy you just met?”
I sighed, letting my breath out slowly, I wasn’t ready to tell my father about my humiliation, so I did the only thing I could think of. I lied. “I’m not going to move right away, but we’re still talking about it. Send me the information and I’ll think about the picture. I’m sure my relationship can handle another couple months apart,” I managed with a smile.
“Good to hear. I knew my little girl wouldn’t let her hormones guide her life. You’ve been raised better than that—career first.”
He seemed about to leave, but I had to ask him one thing before he was gone.
“Isn’t it lonely though?”
“Isn’t what lonely?” he said, turning with a furrowed brow.
“Your life? You’ve partied so much and been with so many women, and yeah, you have your success in the industry, but aren’t you lonely when you go home at night?”
“How could I be lonely with a hot tub full of super models?” he grinned smugly. “I’m surrounded by people.”
“But none of them love you. They use you, but nobody really has your back, do they?”
“Fuck them all if they think they’re using me, I’m the one using them,” he declared emphatically. “Listen, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you sound a lot like your mom before she died. Hers was a car accident, but she’d been drinking, you know that. Be careful, Reagan, you have that kind of crazy in your blood.”
“But I have you in there too,” I said wistfully, “and I don’t know what’s worse. Mom’s side, feeling too much…or your side, feeling too little. Can’t there be something in between?”
He chuckled, a grating, smug sound that set my nerves on edge. “Not if you want to make it in Hollywood, sweetie. And we both know you want to make it.”
With that, he was done. He stood abruptly and walked out of the park to where his driver was waiting next to his car.
He was right. I could have it all, and I could go far in Hollywood if I was more like him.
But maybe I wanted to be more like my mom, who had died hiding her feelings with alcohol. I didn’t mean the death part or the booze part, but the fact that she let herself feel now and then, let herself fall deeply and madly in love with my father.
And as much as he tried to keep me and her memory at arm’s length, she was the only woman he ever married, after all. He’d been in love with her too.
Pain made people do stupid things, and god knows my father had been doing stupid things since the day she died. Had he spent a lifetime running from her memory, only to find himself alone in the end? He of all people had taught me the most about building walls, not just by being so emotionally distant, but by living a life with no real connections.
Tiger broke into my reverie just then, running up and snuffling around my ankles. “Are you ready to go, buddy?” I asked, my path ahead suddenly clear, my father’s obvious
loneliness opening the way and clearing the clouds that had been fogging my brain since the day I met Aaron.
I didn’t need to be afraid, I hadn’t even given Aaron the chance to answer for Peony’s outrageous claims. I hadn’t even let him explain, I’d just taken my father’s route and assumed the absolute worst of him.
I’d rebuilt my walls and run away, hiding my own love and denying his.
But blocking him on social media and on my phone wasn’t going to work, I couldn’t block him from my heart and mind, and loving him meant giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I’d once told Peony that Aaron’s love was worth the risk of being hurt, and god dammit, I was going to stick true to that declaration. The way Aaron made me feel when I was with him was more than worth the risk, it was everything and that was worth tearing down my walls for.
Without love, life wasn’t worth living. And without risk, love wasn’t worth fighting for. My love for Aaron made me see things very clearly now, and I knew what I had to do.
I hooked Tiger’s leash back onto his collar and practically dragged him back to my apartment. I had about an hour before I had to leave to meet Melanie at the studio. I unblocked Aaron on my phone and on Facebook, poured myself some coffee, and read everything I’d missed.
And man, had I been a fool. The few messages that had made it through all said the same thing.
He missed me, he wanted me, and when he found Peony in his home, he begged me to contact him so he could explain. The texts got sad after that, and eventually they’d stopped.
My heart broke all over again reading his pleas. I had been such an asshole, so much like my dad, that I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want me back.
But god, I prayed he wanted me back.
I called him and let it ring, it went to voicemail and I babbled out a message to him, telling him I was sorry, begging him to forgive me, and that I was awful and all the mess I could fit into a minute and a half.
I texted him too, flooding his phone with desperate messages to give me another chance, to forgive my weird emotional coldness, and that I was no longer shut away from him.
That I loved him, that god, I loved him more than anything or anyone.
Even Tiger. And yes, I looked guiltily down at my little guy when I wrote that. “I didn’t really mean it,” I whispered to him as he stared at me with his big brown eyes. He whined and wagged his tiny tail.
I waited, but Aaron did not reply. I had to get to work, so I went downstairs and slipped into my little Mercedes and drove to the studio.
I was looking at my phone every few seconds as soon as I got out of the car. Aaron still hadn’t replied, and I felt jumpy, as if I were covered in ants and my fingers were dying to type more messages to him.
I called him one more time. It went to voice mail, and I left another rambling message.
Melanie walked up as I was finishing it, raised her brows and asked me, “Have you turned into a crazy woman?”
“Why?” I asked and cut the connection.
“Because you sounded crazy just now on the phone,” she laughed. “I haven’t asked you what’s going on since you got back, but the way you’ve been moping around here gave me a pretty good idea. If you and Aaron fought, you know he’s going to forgive you.”
“Oh god, if only you knew,” I replied, and I broke into the whole, sordid, stupid story. She listened, commented, asked questions where appropriate, and generally reminded me why she was my bestie in the first place.
“So that’s it?” she asked as we moved into the studio booth to edit.
“What do you mean ‘is that it?’ It’s terrible!”
“It’s a misunderstanding between a psycho ex-girlfriend and an overly sensitive socially awkward fiancée,” she laughed. “He’ll forgive you.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Good god, I had to live with you two. I know how crazy he is about you, and once he finds out everything you’ve gone through with your lizard-hearted father, he’ll be a big puddle of goo waiting to jump your bones and love you again.”
I felt more confident than I had in hours. “You really believe that?”
“Damn right I do,” she said. “Now, can we get this done quickly? I have a date tonight.”
“The guy from the plane?” I asked.
She laughed and looked at me like I was nuts. “God no, he was just for fun. This is a movie exec I met at the gym a couple months ago.”
I had to smile at her exuberance and admire her tenacity. She never seemed to slow down her love life unless she was working, and I loved that about her.
“I hope it goes well, now let’s get this done so we can get the hell out of here. You need to go on your date, and I need to beg Aaron to forgive me.”
“Oh please, you know it’ll take one word from you for him to open his arms and his pants.”
We giggled at the visual and got straight to work. It was funny how much easier the editing was after I learned the truth. Now the kisses he gave the girls seemed wooden and rehearsed, the words of seduction seemed fake and hollow.
It was all in the perspective, and looking at the world through my dad’s eyes had almost turned me bitter and hard to the beauty and humor in it. I never wanted to be like him, and it was scary to think it could have happened so easily.
I checked my phone a few times and noticed the battery was on red, it was almost drained.
I dug in my purse for my charger but couldn’t find it. “Shit,” I said, “I think my phone’s about to die.”
“We’re almost done, just hang in there,” Melanie said. “You’ll be home in a couple hours, you can start stalking him in earnest him then.”
I sighed and blew a strand of limp hair out of my eye. “Fine, but let’s hurry. I want to get in touch with him as soon as I can.”
“Keep it in your pants, sparky,” Melanie joked and we continued on with the editing process. We could have reviewed the footage and made notes, but both of us always liked being hands-on with the entire project.
Let me tell you, I was really regretting that decision now.
Finally, after what felt like hours, we wrapped it up, said our goodbyes, and I drove home, going as fast as I could in the insane city traffic.
I parked underground, took the elevator up to my place, and almost tripped over Tiger as I rushed to plug my phone in to charge.
It was completely dead, it wouldn’t even power on. At my feet, Tiger whined and snorted, desperate to get out.
I looked at my phone. It still showed the drained battery symbol, so I knew it would be at least a couple minutes before I could use it.
Tiger whined urgently, and I swear he crossed his legs. I’d cancelled the dog walker last week since I’d assumed I’d be back up in Alaska by now.
“Okay, okay,” I told him and grabbed the leash. I hooked it to his collar and said, “Not the dog park though, you’re going to have to do your business on the grass in front of the building.”
He whined again but jumped to attention as I moved to take him downstairs. I checked my phone one last time, but it was still charging. I’d just have to wait a few more minutes to talk Aaron into taking me back.
I pulled Tiger along the sidewalk to the patch of dog grass our building had installed a couple years ago. Tiger hated it, acting as though it was beneath him, but he’d have to tough it out tonight.
He tugged at the leash and tried to go the direction of the dog park. “Not tonight, Tiger,” I told him and bent down to pick him up. “We have to get back upstairs.”
He struggled to get down, wiggling and twisting in my arms until I thought I was going to drop him. He started barking and wagging his little tale so hard I had to set him back down. He danced and skittered along the cement, barking and snuffling in the direction of our building entrance.
“What’s gotten into you?” I asked him, and looked up the sidewalk.
There was a taxi parked in front of our building, and I watched as t
he driver opened the trunk and helped his passenger remove a couple bags. “It’s a cab, he’s not going to take you to the dog park either.”
He jumped and pulled anyhow, twisting on the end of the leash until I let him pull me slowly towards the car.
As the cab driver slammed down the trunk and made his way back to his car, I caught sight of the passenger and his unmistakeable beard, and my breath left me.
“Aaron,” I exhaled quietly, not quite comprehending what I was seeing. As the taxi pulled away from the curb, I felt as if I were going to faint, my limbs went limp and I released the leash.
Tiger took off running the half a block to Aaron, his little legs pumping so hard he tumbled a couple times but kept going until he was at Aaron’s feet.
Aaron laughed down at the little guy, picked him up, and held him close to his chest as he scanned the street for me.
When he spotted me, he held Tiger tight and ran towards me, speeding up as I joined him, running towards him.
We met half way, I was out of breath but not from the run, from the overwhelming feelings of joy that were snaking their way through my body.
“You’re here,” I said, looking up at my giant lumberjack, my man, my fiancé. My entire freaking world.
“I’m here,” he replied, shrugged off his backpack, and set Tiger down gently, handing me the leash.
I held on tightly this time as we took a couple seconds to just stare at each other, as if not quite believing that we were back together after what had felt like a long journey.
In reality, it had only been days, but when you’re deeply in love, any time apart takes on a strange, warped feeling of its own. It doesn’t stick to the rules of regular time, it stretches and holds its breath until each second feels like an eternity, and each minute feels like forever.
We both started talking all at once, the words tumbling from our lips like we’d been choking on them. We needed to get them out before they trapped the air in our bodies and left us lifeless.
“I’m so sorry,” I breathed out as one word, finally putting my hand on his chest for him to stop talking. He did, and I continued. “I shut down when I found Peony, I-I just figured it all out today and tried to call.”
Lumberjacked Page 16