“Wow,” I breathed. It was the only word I could manage. When everyone commented on his death, part of me had assumed he'd been in an accident, maybe coded on the emergency operating table, and nearly died... or something along those lines. In reality, his actions had been deliberate. I didn't know how I felt about that.
“It gets worse,” he went on. “My sister Georgina tried to commit suicide that night...the night of my funeral. She almost died because of me. So, there it is. My shitty life in a nut shell. Oh... and add to that nine months in prison because the military found me guilty of desertion. So, there's that too. Not only did my family have a fake funeral that everyone attended, they then had to tell everyone, ‘no, he wasn't dead after all, and surprise, he’s in prison.’ I couldn't care less what people think about me. But I let my family down. I hurt them because I was too cowardly to deal with the shit in my life. It's unforgivable what I did.”
There was so much pain in his voice, it made me want to squeeze my arms around him tighter and hold on forever. He found his mistakes unforgivable, but they didn't really matter to me. It wasn't like I was going to stop being his friend because of them. He was home now, he was trying to make it right. He showed remorse for his actions. That was the thing about Quinton, he never showed remorse. Not once for hurting me. Ben cared so much. It was an amazing quality to find in a man and my heart suddenly ached in longing. Breathing became difficult and a giant lump lodged itself in my throat. I realized how much I cared for this man, how much I wished I'd met him before Quinton, how much I wished he could be the father of my baby.
It was a scary, terrifying thought.
One that left me breathless.
One I only let myself think about for a fleeting second before I shoved it from my mind. Because a wish like that was unrealistic and pointless and something that would never come true.
So why waste even a single moment thinking it?
“We all make stupid mistakes sometimes. That’s part of being human,” I said, in some attempt to comfort him. I wasn't just talking about his mistakes either. The words I'm not Lilly Davenport were on the tip of my tongue. It suddenly felt like the right moment to tell him the truth about me. Except, he let his grip of my legs go.
My body slipped down his back and my toes hit sand.
“The buzz I had going is wearing off,” he said as he took a step away from me. In the moonlight, I could see his face well enough to see that it had hardened. He’d dropped his guard with me for a moment, but his walls were back up now and seemingly more fortified than ever. “And I’m not really supposed to leave the house after eight. So…”
I understood. He wanted to say goodbye now.
I didn’t though. I wanted more from him. Which was completely wrong of me. I realized how sweet Ben was. And attractive. Suddenly exactly my kind of attractive. And how completely off limits he was.
Wow, life sure had a way of kicking you in the gut when you were down. On top of being pregnant, broke, scared, and alone—I now had feelings for a guy I couldn’t have.
Thank you, irony.
“Goodnight, Ben,” I muttered. I moved swiftly, standing on my tip-toes, leaning in to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before pulling away. I left him, jogging up the beach in the direction of the Davenport’s house. I didn’t look back as I went inside.
* * *
I’d barely seen much of Ben in the last couple weeks.
Something had changed that night on the beach. There was a tension between us now that had been non-existent before. Now whenever we saw each other, a heavy fog of electricity would clog up the air and this tightening feeling hit me hard in the chest—like my heart was being squeezed in a vice. When he looked at me, his blue eyes had this way of cutting through me like knives. The few times we’d seen each other, although brief, had been rather intense.
Hormones.
Hormones.
Hormones.
I tried to blame whatever it was he made me feel on pregnancy hormones. But that didn’t explain why Ben seemed to be avoiding me, too. Maybe he was avoiding me because he felt all of this as well. Or maybe, more likely, he was evading me because he felt awkward after telling me everything from his past.
If that were the case and he did feel awkward, then he didn’t need to. None of his past mattered to me. I’d thought about it a lot, actually. And the only conclusion I'd come to was that we were the same.
We were both runaways.
Except, he was tackling his demons head-on. I was still hiding from all mine.
Instead of facing Quinton and the consequences of our toxic relationship, I'd just up and disappeared. I estimated I had to be nearing 10 weeks pregnant now, and I had yet to even go to the doctor. I'd already practiced with Rhett's band six times and we had our first gig together happening in exactly one hour. After which, I'd have a fresh, easy five-hundred dollars in my pocket. So tomorrow, I decided, it would be time to find an apartment of my own, a legitimate job that could provide health insurance, a lawyer to help me in case Quinton ever tried to come after me, and an OB-GYN for the baby.
It was time to get my life in order.
It was time to grow up, stop living in fear, and start being an adult.
I just had to make it through tonight first.
“Ben’s not coming?” Rhett asked, playing a few chords on his guitar, adjusting the strings one last time. It seemed he could have a conversation and do whatever he was doing simultaneously.
“No. I doubt it.” I shrugged, trying to mask my disappointment. “When I saw him last, I mentioned that we were playing today. But he has his curfew and all. So…um, no. He won’t be here.”
The five of us—Rhett’s band—were all on stage, working to set up the instruments and the last of the equipment. Most of it was heavy, and too complicated for a rookie like me, so I basically just stood there, hanging around waiting and watching the rest of the guys.
My stomach turned like I might vomit—not from morning sickness this time but from nerves. So, actually, it was better Ben wasn’t here. I’d rather embarrass myself in front of complete strangers than in front of him.
“Oh, finally. There’s Sydney.” Rhett gestured to a pretty blonde girl who approached through the crowded bar. She had a large bag slung over one of her shoulders. “I had her bring you some clothes.”
“Excuse me?”
Rhett ignored me, setting his guitar back in its case. He then hopped off the stage and made a big show of kissing his girl. I knew she was typically away at college. She went to Luke University. And they only saw each other once a week. She’d made a special trip from school for this show.
Once Rhett finished kissing her hello, he broke away and gestured forme to come down off the stage. A little reluctantly, I joined them down on the floor.
“Hi, I’m Sydney,” the girl said, her voice kind and friendly. “Rhett thought you might need something to wear for tonight, so I brought a few things. I hope that’s okay.”
Great. What the hell had she brought me to wear? Sydney wore a tank-top style black dress that she’d paired with black ankle boots. The dress was jersey-cotton, hit her mid-calf, and it hugged the lines of her body perfectly. She had dyed light blonde hair and a minimal amount of makeup on her naturally beautiful face. Overall, I liked her style. It seemed to suit her perfectly. So, I hoped that whatever was in her bag wouldn’t be dreadfully awful. Still…the rest of the band was dressed casual. Was my D.C. sweatshirt really that bad that Rhett had noticed and told his girlfriend to help me?
Actually, that was probable.
“I’m June,” I said, introducing myself. Crap! You’re not Juniper, remember, you’re Lilly! For a moment, I hadn’t even been thinking straight, too distracted by my impending doom of singing, and I’d forgotten my lie. “Sorry, I meant Lilly,” I quickly corrected. “Lilly Davenport. Wow, pregnancy brain. I guess that’s a real thing.” I tried to laugh off my mistake, but I’m pretty sure I sounded like a total spaz.
> “Oh, Rhett told me. Don’t worry, Lilly.” She winked. “I won’t say anything until you’re ready to tell people. So—let’s go get you changed.” She turned to Rhett for a moment. “You all go on in fifteen, right?”
“Yeah,” Rhett said. He seemed more interested in something Mike, the drummer, was talking about with Owen, the keyboardist. Yes. Rhett’s band had a keyboardist as if this was 1985. “I’ve got to help the guys. Love you, Sydney, thanks. I’ll come find you between sets.” He gave her one more quick kiss and then said to me, “Hugs—if you don’t like any of Sydney’s clothes then the sweatshirt is fine. I know you don’t have any other clothes in North Carolina with you, so I figured you might want something else. Sorry if I overstepped my boundaries.”
Wow. This was incredibly nice of him. Rhett was loud and little bit abrasive sometimes, but Ben’s assessment of him had been correct. He was a good guy. “Thanks,” I told him. “I don’t mind. I appreciate it.”
Sydney and I went off to the women’s restroom so I could change. She’d brought very nice, designer clothes. “My mom buys me clothes constantly. Half of it I never wear. So you can keep whatever you want.”
“This is expensive stuff. I can’t keep it.”
“My parents have money. Trust me, I can’t stand when my mom tries to dress me like I’m a doll. So most of the time I end up donating the stuff she buys me. You can have whatever. If you want, I can bring more stuff the next time I come to see Rhett too. This dress—” she said, pointing to her own dress. “Fifteen dollars at Target. This is more my style. Not the designer stuff.”
Part of me wanted to hug her right then and there. She didn’t even know me and yet she was so kind to me. Her Target dress was more my style, too. But I didn’t say that out loud because I had a feeling she might have taken it off and given it to me if I had. Instead, I picked out a pair of jeans with lots of holes, a silky white shirt, and a leather jacket. The leather jacket was the nicest, most comfortable, fitted jacket I’d ever worn. Easily several hundred dollars. If she was willing to give up something like this then she must truly come from money.
“I thought that outfit looked especially rock star when I was going through my stuff,” she told me once I’d changed. “That’s why I picked it. It looks good on you.” I checked myself out in the mirror, pulling my hair from its ponytail and letting it fall over my shoulders. I had a small pregnancy bump now, but the shirt was loose enough that it covered it. Normally I wore a size smaller than Sydney’s clothes. But I guess, despite all the throwing up, I’d put on some weight.
All in all, I looked pretty good.
I looked the part.
Our fifteen minutes were almost up. Ready or not, this was it; it was time for me to go on stage. We left the bathroom. Sydney went off to find some friends she was expecting, while I went for the stage.
My skin itched. My heart pounded up in my throat. This had to be the most nerve-racking thing I’d ever done in my life. Oh God, the restaurant had dimmed the lights. Rhett had started fiddling with the microphone. The chatter in the place died down as people were turning their attention to the stage. It was time.
That was when I noticed… Ben.
Here.
Now.
But it was after eight?
My heart jumped as my eyes connected with his. And then my stomach churned. Oh no, I was going to throw up. No doubt, no question, something was about to come up. “One minute,” I mouthed to Rhett, turning before I’d even had stepped a single foot onto the stage.
I rushed for the restroom.
CHAPTER 9:
BEN
There she was. On the edge of the stage. In different clothes for once in her life.
Lilly.
She looked especially beautiful tonight, wearing a black leather jacket that actually fit her. Her hair was down and the color appeared more vibrant than normal, probably due to the stage lighting effects. It seemed like Rhett was about to announce the group. That was when she noticed me.
I’d called Jack earlier this week and practically begged him to make an exception and extend my curfew time by a couple hours just this once. He’d been reluctant, but I’d been persistent and eventually he’d caved. Under one condition though, that he came along with. So, I had a babysitter with me.
I also had Ellie, Georgina, and Noah along too. Apparently, since high school, Sydney and Georgie had become quite close. So all of us, including Jack, were sharing a table. I didn’t really care who I was with. I was just happy to be here.
Lilly’s eyes connected with mine. A look of pure terror crossed her face. I’d seen that look on her before. She was about to be sick. She mouthed something to Rhett before turning and disappearing.
“Be back in a minute guys,” I said to everyone and no one all at once. I didn’t wait around for anyone’s permission. Instead, I stumbled out of my seat and hurried toward the bathrooms.
Knowing my way around the bar, I weaved in and out of people until I was standing in front of the women’s bathroom. I guessed that was where Lilly had hurried off to. Sure enough, as I tentatively pushed open the door to the bathroom, I heard someone throwing up. Shit. “Lilly,” I called out. “I’m coming in.”
She'd locked the stall door so I didn't get very far. There was another woman in the restroom and I made an ass of myself as I randomly stood there waiting on Lilly. The other woman said nothing, surely hearing Lilly too and possibly understanding, before she left us, giving us our privacy.
I felt clueless standing there. I hadn't seen Lilly much in the last couple weeks. I'd made a point of not seeing her, actually. Ever since the night on the beach something had profoundly changed between us and it scared the shit out of me. There were feelings there now, feelings that hadn't been there previously, feelings I sensed she felt too. I chalked most of it up to both of us being far too vulnerable in that moment.
If she weren't pregnant, I'd pursue something with her in an instant. All bets would be off, and I wouldn't waste another second trying to fight whatever it was I was feeling. But that wasn't the reality. She didn't need a boyfriend, especially one with a track record as shitty as mine—she needed a friend.
I hadn't been a very good friend to her lately. I'd kind of stepped back and let Rhett take over. Rhett and I had been speaking on the phone almost daily, and he'd been keeping me updated on how she was doing. He was driving her to the grocery store now. He was taking her to and from band practice. I'd even suggested he find some way to get her some new clothes. And since she wasn't in her damn sweatshirt, he must have come through with that.
Bottom line: he was there for her now since I wasn't. And I thought I was okay with that. Until this very moment. Suddenly I felt sick with regret. So angry with myself that I could barely breathe. What the fuck was I thinking stepping back like I had? Rhett had told me her morning sickness wasn't so bad anymore. And here she was throwing up again. I wanted to kill Rhett. And I knew that was misplaced anger, but knowing that didn't take away from the sheer agony I felt inside.
“Lilly,” I tried. “Could you open the door please?”
It was silent on the other side of the stall now. But she had yet to come out. It was taking her a little too long.
I tried again, asking, “Is it morning sickness or nerves about the show?”
“A little of both,” she answered. “I'm okay. Just give me a second.”
“Okay.”
She didn’t sound too terrible. Her voice was steady. Her words were clear. A moment later, the stall door clicked open and I had to step back as she stepped out. Her eyes met mine briefly as she moved past me for the bathroom sink. I stayed silent as she washed her hands and then scooped some water in her hands to rinse out her mouth. After a moment, she grabbed a paper towel, drying her hands and face. Her eyes were on mine the whole time in the mirror.
“You shouldn't be in the girls' bathroom,” she told me—a warning. “I'm not particularly fond of you witnessing me throwing up. That's
twice now.”
I didn't have a good response for her. I didn't really care how much she got sick or how much I saw of it. If she needed me, I'd be there.
Pulling my hands through my hair, I tried to relax a little. Trying wasn’t working. “You don't have to do this. Sing, I mean. We can leave right now. I'll take you home.”
Was too much anxiety even good for the baby?
“I need the money. I've been practicing a lot for tonight. I'm ready.” She sounded incredibly confident. “You don't need to worry about me, Ben.”
Yeah... about the money she was getting for this. Rhett and I had discussed this as well. Most of the five hundred dollars she was about to make was coming straight from me.
I felt super guilty going behind her back and all. But Rhett's band was complete shit. Their gigs did not bring in much money, and the rest of the guys weren't about to divide their share equally with some random girl Rhett had asked to join the group without anyone else's permission. He'd had to do some serious convincing to even get them to agree to let her suddenly become their lead singer. She didn't know it, but tonight was more of an audition than anything else.
When I got my first pay check, after I paid my parents a portion of the money I still owed them, I gave the rest to Rhett. In retrospect I should have at least bought a damn cell phone, but I hadn't thought that far ahead. I’d only been concerned about her.
“Okay, I won't worry,” I told her, totally lying my ass off. “Break a leg or whatever it is I'm supposed to say.”
“Good luck is fine.”
“Good luck then.”
She reached out and engulfed me in a hug. It happened a little suddenly and it took me by surprise. She squeezed and held on tight, making my heart thump like a fucking rabbit in my chest.
Adrift (Kill Devil Hills Book 4) Page 8