My eyes popped open. The darkness of the room surrounded us.
“What?” I whispered.
I couldn't see him to see his face. But either way, nothing good ever started with there's something you should know. A sour ‘I-swallowed-battery-acid’ feeling hit my stomach. I clung to the memory of the ‘I-love-you’ he'd whispered to me hours ago during sex.
What a moment that had been. Right at the peak of my orgasm. I wasn't entirely sure he even realized he’d said it. Or if he did, I don't think he'd meant for it to come out then. But it had. And I'd said it back. Whatever he tells you won't matter, I thought to myself. Because next he sighed, and it was one shitty sigh—heavy with emotion and regret. Worry hit me hard. I reached out, touching his shoulder, and I felt a slight tremble run through him.
Ben—the athletic and hard and all male type wasn't someone I'd ever expect to let anything affect him. But he had his demons. It was a sadness I could see in his eyes sometimes. And in the afterglow of sex, in the darkened room, I could feel the heaviness of whatever he wanted to tell me.
Trying to make light of the moment, I awkwardly and half-jokingly said, “As long as you don't tell me you would enjoy choking the fuck out of me during sex, whatever you need to tell me I can handle. It’ll be okay.”
“Wait. What?”
I instantly regretted my words.
I wasn’t completely sure why I had let them slip out. Especially in this moment. Especially when he was trying to open up to me about something clearly important. Shit. I swallowed hard, completely embarrassed and annoyed with myself.
“Nothing. You were saying?”
“Dammit,” he swore. Then I heard as he rustled around in the bed, sitting up, searching for something. “It would be helpful if we had a lamp,” he muttered. Finally he located whatever he’d been searching for—his phone. He hit a button, giving the room a small glow. His face was soft and unjudging. He stared down at where I still lay in bed. “Tell me what you meant first, Juniper, please. I need to know now.”
Consciously, I hadn’t meant to divert the conversation away from whatever he’d been about to say. Unconsciously, maybe I had. Either way, now I had to tell him something I never intended to tell anyone. I curled up on my side, facing away from him, because looking at him was difficult right this moment.
“Quinton was controlling…in every way.” Ben already knew that much, but he didn’t know the extent of it all. “He always needed me to behave a certain way, dress a certain way, and say the right words to the right people. In the daytime, he wouldn’t physically ever touch me. During sex he was much… rougher. Terrifyingly rough.”
“He liked to choke you?” Ben said, his voice a hoarse whisper now.
“Yes.” Among other things. “I guess you could say it was his obsession. I mean, I know some people enjoy it, and get off doing it, but Quinton always took it too far. He knew I hated it. He knew it terrified me. I think that was the real reason he loved it so much. And he did it as a means of punishment. The more I’d misbehaved during the day and angered him, the more he needed me to suffer at night. I’d frequently lose consciousness during his ‘punishments’ and regain consciousness only to find…” I groaned, not wanting to get into too much detail. “That’s why I had to run away. He wouldn’t have let me go peacefully. I was afraid. I’m still afraid.”
“You’d regain consciousness and find what? What would he do?” Ben questioned.
I felt as if a million needles were pricking my skin talking about this. Digging up these memories hurt much more than I expected. I’d compartmentalized them nicely, putting them away in a box in my mind, left alone and unopened, since I'd met Ben. Reopening them was the last thing I wanted. Although—I’d been the one to bring this conversation up. Perhaps some part of me needed Ben to know everything, needed to him know because maybe he was the only one who could make the world a safe place for me again.
“He’d have finished having sex with me while I wasn’t conscious—in ways I never would have allowed.”
“That’s rape,” he whispered.
“Even if I consented initially? Even if I stayed in the relationship?”
“Yes.”
Call me in denial, but I really didn’t want to think about it that way. I mean, I’d never had sex—that I knew of—without a condom. So, in one of those moments where Quinton had taken advantage of me he must have ditched the condom. He must have come inside of me without my knowledge. Right? How else are babies made? Of course he had. That meant the twins were conceived in such a terrible way. I didn’t want to believe they were conceived in that way.
Ben said nothing for several moments, maybe even minutes, before I felt him lay back down beside me. He let the glow of his phone expire and he didn’t tap it again for more light. His arm brushed against my back, but otherwise he didn’t embrace me or anything like that. Perhaps he didn’t think it was the right time to do so. He did say something so shocking it made me catch my breath.
“I love you.” He said it to the blackness of the room. “I love you,” he repeated almost as if he were realizing it for the first time himself. “I said it earlier, I know, but that wasn’t the moment I should have first said it.”
“And now is?” I whispered. Now was pretty much a terrible moment.
“Yes.” His voice was steady and confident. “I’m in love with you. I’ll do anything to protect you. You said you were still afraid—don’t be. I won’t ever let him near you again. I’ll never let him near the twins either. You’re safe with me. Juniper, baby, I promise.”
Holy shit. I went from feeling terrible one moment to feeling like I was flying the next. Because that was what it felt like hearing those words—like flying. Like if my heart grew any fuller it might burst. “I love you, too,” I told him. It was impossible not to be madly in love with this man.
I rolled over, snuggling in against his warm body. I used his chest as a pillow; the steady beat of his heart against my ear had to be the most comforting thing in the world.
“What did you need to tell me originally?” I asked.
“It’s not important right now.” His arms squeezed me tighter. “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
* * *
Ben never did tell me whatever he needed to the next day. Or the next day after that. I didn’t press him, although I did wonder.
“Should it be a joint baby shower?” Ellie asked, pacing in circles around my kitchen. She and Georgina were over at the house. Georgina leaned against the counter. Her belly stretched out the pale blue t-shirt she wore, proving that she was much further along than I was. They’d come over under the pretense of bringing some ‘used silverware’ for Ben and me to have. But the set they’d brought wasn’t even missing a single spoon and it looked brand new to me. Also, I suspected the real reason they’d come over was to talk about this baby shower stuff.
I appreciated their silverware gift. But that didn’t change the fact that I felt damn intimidated now. This was the first time I’d spent any amount of time alone with either of Ben’s sisters.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Ellie faltered in her pacing for a moment, listening to the sound coming from outside, before she kept on needlessly moving and talking about this baby shower she wanted to have. “I mean, I’m going to have to throw one for both of you anyway. Why not kill two birds—or three since you’re having twins, Juniper—with one stone and get it all over with? What’s the normal sisterly protocol in this type of a situation? Are we going to have to play terribly lame games at this thing? You all know I’m complete shit when it comes to girly stuff like this.”
Bang. Bang. Bang.
The sound outside was a little distracting, but I didn’t dwell on it. Instead I quickly answered Ellie. “I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need a shower. Seriously, it’s super nice of you to think of me, but who would even come?”
“I’d come,” Georgina piped in to say. “And Sydney and Rose. And I’m sure my mom and gran
dma will want to be there. I think a joint shower would be a great idea.”
Anxiety prickled at my skin. I instantly started to sweat. “I don’t know. They’re not Ben’s babies. Won’t it be awkward when I have to repeatedly tell everyone that at the party?”
Bang. Bang. Bang.
“Motherfucking Christ!” Ellie snapped, making me jump at her sudden outburst. “What the fuck is Ben doing outside?”
“He’s building furniture,” I explained. I’d thought Ben was absolutely bat-shit crazy when he told me yesterday his idea to make furniture. But he seemed convinced he could do it. He watched a few how-to videos online. Then he borrowed his dad’s tools, started taking apart some old shed in the backyard, “repurposing the wood” as he called it, and just started creating. In only four hours he had a coffee table built. And it was surprisingly beautiful. Like ‘I-can’t believe-you-made-this, we-should-sell-this’ beautiful. After he sanded down the weathered wood, stained it, and coated it with polyurethane—his creation and design became something amazing. “The coffee table he made is outside drying. He’s got a few more coats of that poly stuff to put on it before it’s finished. He’s making two end tables now. Anyway—”
Ellie walked to the window to check out what he was doing. “Wow. No shit. My brother is a boy scout.” She watched him for only a moment before returning to our conversation. “So, no shower for you then Juniper?”
“What if you just told everyone they were Ben’s babies?” Georgina suggested. She had the most beautifully long brown hair, like silk, and she pushed it over one shoulder as she spoke. She made pregnancy look easy. Trust me, it wasn’t. And she sounded so innocent as she suggested I lie to everyone. I had no idea how Ben would even react to something like that.
“I couldn’t do that,” I told her honestly.
“Okay. Well what if the shower was just immediate family? You have to let us do something for you,” she practically begged. “Anything.”
“Fine,” I said, finally giving in. “Just family. And no extravagant gifts. Just the basics. We only need…” I trailed off in the middle of my sentence because at that very moment I felt one of the babies kick. There had been a couple times where I’d thought I’d felt movement, but never anything like this before. It was like a jab from the inside. And I squealed. Ben had just asked me this morning if I’d felt anything new lately. We’d been worrying over why I hadn’t felt them more yet. I guess we’d been worrying for no reason.
The feeling came once more, and I squealed again.
“What is it?” Georgina asked.
Smiling, I couldn’t even respond. I left the girls and ran outside to Ben. He stood in the hot sun, hammering away, with his shirt off and sweat glistening on his tanned back. “Ben!” I yelled, rushing up to him. I’d never been so excited to share something with someone in my whole life. “They kicked! One of them kicked!”
He dropped his hammer, turning toward me. “Yeah!”
Immediately my shirt went up and his warm hands rested on my belly. We both waited in silence for the feeling to happen again. For several long minutes, nothing happened at all. I started to question if I’d completely imagined the kick when it finally happened once more, right in the spot where Ben’s hand rested on my stomach.
He sucked in a sharp breath. “I felt it!”
“Me too!”
He was equally as excited as I was, and I loved it.
A minute or two later, after a couple more kicks, I left him with his wood-working creation, while I returned inside to his sisters. But sharing that moment with him really had been the most wonderful thing.
“I’m glad Ben found you,” Ellie commented as I came back inside, feeling flushed and excited. “He seems really happy.”
“Thanks,” I said to her. “We are happy. I know I am at least.”
CHAPTER 19:
BEN
Tonight I was dressed as Marty McFly from Back to the Future. I wore a jean jacket, paired with a red puffy vest, red t-shirt, a button-up shirt, Levi jeans, and an old pair of plain white Nike’s I’d found in the back of my dad’s closet. I had to admit—Juniper’s idea for this was pretty freaking awesome, even if that meant I’d be hotter than balls in this outfit all night.
Sitting at the bar with Nate West, a.k.a. Nathanial, I made eye-contact with Juniper from across the room. She wore leggings, the neon ruffled skirt I'd picked out for her, and a cutoff t-shirt that hung over one bare shoulder. Her red hair was big and wild, styled on top of her head. She made 80's night look damn sexy. I gave her a small nod, which she returned with a smile before she went back to speaking with Owen, the band's keyboardist. Riptide Rush was playing tonight and they were all currently on stage finishing setting up. I'd been waiting all week for this chance to see her sing again.
“If another person asks me to take a selfie with them I’m going to snap,” Nathanial muttered under his breath. As a famous actor, I would think Ellie’s husband would be used to the attention, but apparently he wasn’t. Nathanial wore a black mullet wig, a t-shirt cut into a tank top, and black eyeliner in an attempt at an 80’s heavy metal rocker. In actuality, he’d told me, his outfit was meant to be more of a disguise than a costume.
Another woman came up to greet him. I guess his disguise wasn’t working. He kept his composure rather well, taking a quick photo with her and exchanging a few polite words. He groaned in agony after she’d left, though. “Okay, take a photo with me Ben.” He got out his own cell phone now.
“What?”
“Pictures of me in this costume will be circulating on social media in about five minutes whether I want them to or not. It’s better when I can control which one goes out first.”
I smiled as he gave me little choice, sticking his phone out in front of us as he snapped a quick picture of the two of us looking ridiculous.
“Nah, that’s no good.” He decided and took another. Then another. Oh God, he was worse than a woman. Then I watched as he immediately tweeted and Instragramed the photo he liked best to all his millions of followers. “So, you’re really doing this thing,” he commented absentmindedly as he posted. “You’re sticking with this girl even though she’s pregnant with someone else’s kid.”
My blood temperature raised a notch. “When you put it that way it sounds like she got knocked up after we started dating. It happened before. And, yes, I’m doing this thing.”
“Whoa,” he quickly said, putting his phone away. “I didn’t mean to come across as crass or offensive or anything. Actually, I think it’s pretty gallant what you’re doing.”
“I’m not doing it to be gallant. I’m doing it because I love her.”
The person sitting on my opposite side, some random stranger, huffed under his breath. I gave him a sideways look. People were always listening in on conversations when ‘Nate West’ was present. For a moment, I sort of understood how annoying it must be for him to have to deal with people always trying to poke their nose in his personal business. I ignored the person who got up and walked off a moment later.
Nathanial sighed, adjusting his mullet wig. “Maybe gallant is the wrong word. I respect that you love her enough not to care about anything else. How about that? I’m trying to give you a compliment here. Something I’m not good at doing. Could you just accept it?”
“Okay. But I’m with her because I love her—as long as that’s understood.” I took a deep breath, relaxing some. I knew Nathanial meant well. He always meant well. He was a good guy. Ellie wouldn’t have settled for anything less. “I’m still living in North Carolina because I love her. I became a fucking real estate agent because I love her.” And I’m about to become a dad because I love her. I left that last part off. But wow, these were heavy realizations. The craziest part of all—I didn't even mind any of it. I was happy because I loved her.
Nathanial signaled the bartender, ordering two shots. “Let’s drink to that,” he said. “Because it’s not every day that you find someone like that.”
/> The bartender returned, pouring our shots. Though I was a little reluctant to start drinking already tonight, I accepted the shot, clinking my glass against Nathanial’s glass. Then I drank the liquid down in one quick motion. When I set the empty shot glass back down on the bar and turned around, Rhett was waving like an idiot in my direction. I scanned the stage and didn’t see Juniper up there with him.
“I better go see what he wants,” I said to Nathanial. I stood and pushed my way through the crowded bar. It seemed like people were restless, all waiting for the band to start playing. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, checking the time, realizing that it was past nine—everything was supposed to start at nine. What was the delay?
“Where’s Juniper?” were the first words out of Rhett’s mouth as I approached.
I’d just seen her on stage with Owen not long ago. “What do you mean where's Juniper?” I yelled up at him from the ground. “I just saw her up there with you all a few minutes ago.” It wasn’t like she would have wandered off like a toddler and gotten lost.
Ellie came hustling up on my right. Normally cheerful, she looked worried as fuck. And that meant I, too, was suddenly worried as fuck. Every cell in my body started buzzing on high alert.
“Rhett—she wasn't in the women's bathroom!” Ellie hollered. “Or the men's. I checked there too just in case.”
“What the hell is going on?” My heart raced. My worst fears were materializing. Where was she?
“What's going on?” Noah echoed, who'd noticed the commotion and had left his nearby table with Georgina to come check on us.
“We need to start playing and Juniper is missing,” Rhett clarified.
The questions and the speculation continued. No one was voicing it but everyone seemed to have the same fear—Quinton. Juniper would not just have disappeared without telling anyone.
I’d been trying to tell myself not to panic or jump to conclusions. But then I remembered something and my stomach sank to the floor. “That man!” I shouted at them all. At this point, Nathanial had joined us from the bar. “The man,” I repeated, turning to Nathanial, trying to spit out a sentence.
Adrift (Kill Devil Hills Book 4) Page 16