She’d always been encouraging, understanding when I needed to work and couldn’t be there for Millie. Sure, she wasn’t keen on Heidi, but all that stuff she’d said about her after the jab about Millie kind of made sense to me at the time.
I wasn’t being a good father by bringing Heidi into Millie’s life so soon. I didn’t know what I had been thinking to do it. All the justifications I’d given myself at the time just didn’t feel right anymore.
I hadn’t even known Heidi for two months yet, but I’d brought her into my daughter’s life already. No one who actually cared about their kid did that, did they?
Surely, I was supposed to have waited, to have seen what developed between Heidi and me before introducing her to Millie. I should have sussed Heidi out more, questioned her motivations for being with me and spoken to her about what she envisioned for our future, if anything.
If all she’d wanted had been a few quick fucks, Millie should never even have known about her existence. Just like she hadn’t known about any of the others.
I didn’t know what it was about Heidi that had compelled me to introduce her to Millie at that rugby game. My mother was right about one thing, and that was that I was in the wrong.
Millie didn’t need women coming into her life only to leave her again. She’d already had more than enough of that in her short little life, with the one woman who was always supposed to be there for her fucking off when she was only a few days old.
The only people I’d been able to count on since was myself, Hugo, and my mother. Hugo had practically become family, and my mum obviously was, but Heidi wasn’t.
What had made me think that I could trust her when I hadn’t been able to trust anybody else in so damn long, I didn’t know. But once I’d realised that I didn’t actually know that I could trust her not to hurt us, it hit me like a shot to the stomach.
I might not have known quite what to make about everything that my mum had said, about Heidi’s denial, or about who to believe, but I did know that I needed to stop. I needed to think before I made things even worse.
I hadn’t invited Hugo to lunch at the bistro near our offices to get his advice. This time, I just needed someone to soundboard with. He’d been perfectly happy to be my soundboard when I’d told him, but he sure as shit didn’t look happy right now.
“Mate, you telling her to leave after your mother said all those things she said was basically ending it with her. You know that, right?” He cocked an eyebrow at me. “Please tell me that you know that.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I hadn’t realised it at the time because my brain felt like it had gone numb, but I do know that now.”
His brows pinched together. “So you do realise that you ended it with her on your mother’s demand, right?”
Rolling my lips into my mouth, I ran my hands through my hair and shrugged. “I didn’t do it because she told me to.”
“Okay, but you also didn’t stand up to her when she was accusing Heidi of being out to ruin your life.”
I slammed my fist down on the table, tossing a glare at my best friend. “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t stand up for Heidi because I don’t know what she was with me for. For all I know, it could very well have been for the money.”
“And how would you know if you haven’t asked her?” he argued back, lifting his chin in a challenge. “Would it have killed you to have just spoken to her about it after your mum left?”
“I told you, I wasn’t thinking straight. It felt like someone had punched me. All these words were running through my head and I didn’t know what to believe, only that I wasn’t being a good father. I was putting a fuck before daughter, for Christ’s sake.”
“A fuck?” His eyes widened. “I think you and I both know it’s gone well beyond that.”
“Maybe.” I lifted my shoulders and held them up for a few seconds before I let them drop. “But I still don’t know what she was even with me for. If not the money, it might very well have been my cock she was after, in which case it’s better that she doesn’t spend any more time around Millie.”
Hugo narrowed his eyes, pausing as if he was trying to come up with a way to say what he wanted to say that wouldn’t result in being clocked.
“I don’t know what she was with you for,” he started slowly. “Only you and her know that. Since you didn’t ask her, the only person at this table who might know is you. All that I can tell you is from what I saw, she wasn’t in it for the cock or the money. I think she really liked you. Ask yourself this, who are you really so pissed at right now? Because I think it might be you.”
I dropped my head back and took a deep breath, screwing my eyes shut for a moment. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.”
“Your mother did a real number on you this time,” he said, sympathy darkening his eyes when I met them again. “Don’t hit me for saying this, but I think she got into your head, and it made you act rashly.”
I sighed. “I wasn’t trying to act rashly. That’s exactly why I asked her to leave. I just needed time to sort through all this. I didn’t mean to break it off with her and I didn’t mean to make it look like I believed everything my mother said, even if I do believe some of it.”
“You’ve had some time to think now,” he said, tapping his temple with his finger. “What’s going on up there now that you have?”
Although I hadn’t asked him here for advice, I suddenly felt like I could use some. Lord knew my thoughts were so much of a mess that even I couldn’t make sense of them anymore.
“Do you think it was selfish of me to have introduced Heidi to Millie so soon?” I asked, trying to start making sense of my thoughts in the most logical place I could think of.
Hugo dipped his head to one side and then to the other. “Why would it have been selfish?”
“Because I wanted Heidi,” I admitted. “I wanted her from the first moment I saw her, and then when I saw her at that game, I wanted to spend more time with her so that I’d have a shot at getting in her pants.”
It hadn’t been all that it had been about, granted. But he’d asked why I was wondering if it might have been selfish and it felt selfish for that very reason. “I wasn’t thinking about either of them when I invited her to come sit with us. I was only thinking about myself. Neither of them got any choice in the matter. Hell, Heidi didn’t even know I had a daughter until then.”
“Okay, I think I see where you’re going with this.” He picked up his burger, which had to have gone cold by now, and chewed on a bite as he thought.
My own burger sat on my plate untouched. I had zero appetite. Hugo washed his bite down with a sip of beer and fixed his gaze to mine. “I don’t think you were being selfish, if that’s what this is really about. You haven’t been in a relationship since Millie was conceived. You saw a woman you were attracted to and you went for it. That’s not selfish. That’s human.”
“Yeah, but I went for her with my daughter right there,” I said, not missing the bitterness in my own voice.
Hugo kept his eyes on mine, a slight V forming between them. “Heidi is a nice girl. It wasn’t like you were introducing Millie to one of the gold-digging Sheilas who are always hitting on you no matter where we go. You didn’t introduce her to a woman after fucking her against a wall in the bathroom. You introduced her to a girl you liked, to a woman you actually wanted to get to know.”
I blew out a breath. “That’s how it felt at the time, yeah.”
“So then it couldn’t have been selfish. It’s also not like you told Millie that Heidi was your girlfriend or that she was going to be her new mummy. You introduced her as a friend. That’s it.”
“True, but then what about after I’d slept with her? I invited her to spend time with us after that, too. Without any regard to whether I would even see her again after the party. I knew Millie enjoyed spending time with her and I knew we hadn’t exactly agreed to see each other into the new year.”
“Maybe not, bu
t you enjoyed spending time with her too, didn’t you? Just because you’d had sex with her by then doesn’t change that you are allowed to actually get to know a woman outside the walls of a bedroom.”
“So you don’t think I was being selfish?” I still wasn’t sure, but Hugo had made some good points. He’d given me even more to think about than I already had.
He shook his head. “No, I think you liked a pretty girl and were finally ready to give relationships another shot. For the record, in case that was going to be your next question, I don’t think that makes you selfish or a bad dad either.”
“I should have waited before I introduced them to one another, though. That’s if you’re even right about the relationship thing. Heidi and I never talked about what we were to each other and I tried my best not to think too much about it. I honestly don’t know if I’m ready to let go and let someone in again, to trust someone who very well might walk out on us in the end.”
“And that right there is the crux of your problem,” he said, a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. “I think we’ve finally got to the real issue, so you can thank Dr. Hugo now.”
I rolled my eyes, but Hugo’s smirk only grew. “You overreacted when your mother said what she did because she knows exactly which buttons to push, and she didn’t only push them, she fucking punched them. I don’t know if you can trust Heidi not to walk out on you either, but I do think you know. Deep down inside, somewhere near your arsehole, you do know.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but he held up a finger to shush me. “I’m not done yet. Dr. Hugo’s onto something. Bear with me. Your ex made you distrustful of women, and I think your mother has been reinforcing the belief that younger women cannot be trusted ever since, but that’s not true. Some people out there are trustworthy.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “It doesn’t change the fact that I didn’t wait to find out if Heidi was one of those or not before I introduced her to Millie.”
“You didn’t plan to run into her at the rugby game,” he reminded me. “It was a spur of the moment thing and you did what felt right in that moment. I think you can stop beating yourself up about that. Sometimes shit just happens, man. It’s called life. I know you like to be in firm control of yours at all times, but not every move needs to be pre-planned with every possible consequence having been considered.”
“Yeah, I guess.” He did have a very good point there. I’d become so focused on keeping everything in my life under my strict control at all times that it had been a long time since I’d just let shit happen to me.
Hugo grinned at my agreement. “Finally. We’ve made a breakthrough. Now, do you have any idea what’s going to happen now? Do you think she’d ditch the party because of this?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know how to go about talking to her about any of it, either.”
“Well, you better figure it out, mate. People are expecting a ripper of a New Year’s Eve bash. You’d better not have ruined it for them.” He was still grinning, but I could only glare in response.
Christ. What a fuck up I’ve made of things.
Chapter 34
Heidi
“Did I just hear you correctly?” I asked the vendor on the phone, my pulse skyrocketing. “You can only bring the jumping castle tomorrow? That’s unacceptable. It was supposed to have been delivered today.”
“I know,” the woman said. “But when we went to pick it up from the client who rented it for a post-Christmas party, there was no one at the premises. He said they would only be back tomorrow.”
“So give me a different jumping castle,” I bit out, aware that I was blowing this out of proportion. But my nerves were frayed, my head was a mess, and I was just angry in general. Fucking Archer.
The vendor sighed. “If I had a different one, I’d have offered it to you already. We’re all out. Everyone with kids or having big families over rents them at this time of year, some even for the whole festive season.”
“We’ve already paid you,” I reminded her. “I secured the booking a month ago and it’s been paid in full for nearly that long.”
“I’m sorry, but there really is nothing else I can offer you. We could reimburse you?”
I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me. “That’s not good enough. If you’re out, I’m going to be laughed at by other suppliers for trying to get one at such late notice.”
“We can still provide the jumping castle you paid for,” she said, her tone becoming exasperated. “We just can’t deliver it today. I’ll personally bring it to you tomorrow as early as possible. What time does your party start?”
“Three,” I snapped. “Will you have it there in time?”
“I’ll do my utmost best,” she promised, but that didn’t mean much right now. “I’ll give you a call when I go to collect it and again when I’m on my way to you.”
“Fine.” I huffed. “Make it as early as possible.”
Hanging up with the phone with slightly more force than necessary, I noticed Bonnie standing in front of my desk. “I didn’t see you come in.”
“You wouldn’t have,” she said, a small frown pulling her eyebrows closer together. “You were too absorbed in shitting all over a vendor about a late delivery, not even a cancellation as far as I could tell.”
“They were supposed to deliver the jumping castle today,” I said, the corners of my lips turning down. “But now they’ve hit a snag with a previous client and they can only bring it tomorrow.”
“So?” she asked. “It will still be on time, right?”
“So she says.” I sighed and twisted a lock of loose hair around my finger. “Was I really too hard on her?”
“You’ve certainly been in better moods when you’ve had to deal with vendors. What’s going on with you? What did Archer do now?”
I sighed. “What it boils down to is that he accused me of only being with him to ruin his life and get to his money.”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“Yeah, you heard that right.” I still couldn’t believe it. Every time I thought about the wild accusations his mother had made, it felt like there was a simmering pit of rage in my stomach. “Well, to be fair, it wasn’t him who said it. It was his mother. He just agreed with her.”
“His mother?” She sank down into her chair and arched an eyebrow at me. “I think you’d better start at the beginning. Why does his mother think you’re out to ruin his life?”
“Not only his life,” I said. “But Millie’s life too.”
“That’s ridiculous.” Bonnie rolled her eyes with a shake of her head. “Where the hell did she get that idea and why did he agree with her?”
“I don’t have a fucking clue. Archer invited me over for dinner, and the next thing I know, his mother is there and hurling all these insults at me. I’ve never even met her.”
“What did Archer say? Surely, he couldn’t just have agreed with her about everything?” Her eyes were a darker shade of green now, more forest than emerald as my fury seemed to seep into her. “Please tell me he corrected her?”
“He didn’t. He didn’t say a thing, which I took to mean that he agrees with her. After she left, he asked me to leave too.”
“So that’s it?” She narrowed her eyes. “He didn’t stand up for you or defend you in any way?”
“Nope.” I slammed my back against my chair. “He just stood there and eventually opened the door and asked me to leave.”
“That’s insane.” Bonnie laughed incredulously. “How could he think that about you? And how exactly would you have ruined their lives? That’s a touch dramatic, I think.”
“A touch, yes,” I said, sarcasm dripping from my tone. “I don’t know what my diabolical plan to ruin their lives was, but she was quite convinced that I had one. So convinced that she made Archer believe it, too. Or maybe he always has.”
I didn’t want to believe that it could be true, but at this stage, I felt like anything could be. The entire situation
was so bizarre that I had no idea what to make of any of it.
Perhaps everything I had thought was between us had been the product of my overactive imagination. Maybe he’d thought I was only after his money all along, not that I still had any idea why he would think that. I hadn’t even let him pay me back for the Disney on Ice tickets, for God’s sake.
I’d never asked him for money or for anything else, outside of the event of course, and every time we’d gone out, I’d offered to pay my own share of the bill. It was Archer who’d insisted on paying for all our meals, once even going so far as to take the cash I’d refused to take out of the billfold and hiding it in my purse when I’d gone to the bathroom.
It made no sense that he’d believe I could only ever have been after his money if I considered all that. I’d never even met his mother, so God only knew why she would think that of me. Unless he’d told her about me, told her things that made her come to the conclusions she had.
It sent a pang of pain through me to imagine that he would have said such nasty things about me to his mother while being so nice to my face. It was really fucking painful and humiliating to think that he might even have been having those thoughts when he’d taken me to bed.
While I’d been floating on an island of bliss, had he been looking at me and thinking about how I only wanted his money? Wanted to ruin his life?
What the hell? How could he possibly have believed any of those things?
Vivian’s point about me not knowing anything about family hurt even worse than all the rest of it, considering how very little family I had left. Robert didn’t really count, given that he’d probably never speak to me again as soon as my mother was no longer around, and Mom herself was deteriorating at such a rapid pace that I had to swallow around a lump in my throat when I let myself think about her at all.
All the other family members I had were literally a world away. I’d never been that close to them anyway, and once I’d moved here, I’d lost touch with even the few relatives I had still been speaking to occasionally.
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