They gasped in horror at what else could be in store for them, as Rita summoned all the powers of her supremacy and roared like a woman on a period, whose ‘Take a Break’ magazine subscription had just been cancelled.
The sky turned dark, the heavens opened up, and she shape shifted into a Godzilla-like creature, only not quite as pretty.
Rhino, Cherry and Holly each shit their panties, even though Rhino was the only one actually wearing them (Victoria’s Secret in case you were wondering.)
It started to thunder and then lightning struck.
Ritazilla roared some more, claws at the ready.
Then the ground opened up and swallowed them all alive.
Chapter 28. (Deja Vu)
The man on TV smiled and his teeth sparkled.
They were a lighter shade of white so brilliant, you had to grab for your shades.
His face was lobster red perma-tanned, his jaw chiselled to perfection; and he introduced himself:
“Hello and welcome to ‘I’m a Has Been, Please Don’t Feed Me to the Lions’. I am your host Dexter Anton and tonight we see former 80s heart throb Felix from Tequila Sun face off against sex siren Jade Astley, the sultry one from Pink Champagne
“We are now down to the final 2 survivors and it’s a straight face off. Who will be crowned the winner? Find out now in ‘The Bridge of Doooooooom’…”
Felix and Jade stood either side of a rope suspension bridge, above a hundred foot steep drop into a fiery gushing lava.
Felix had a funny feeling he had been there before.
He had.
The timeline may have changed, but not enough to cease his existence, just delay his return and sent him back a few months early.
So he was back to square one again.
Dexter explained the object of the game, as well as the dire consequences.
Felix knew just how dire they would be.
The first question was asked and Felix hesitantly answered as he did before and moved forward five spaces onto and over the bridge of certain death.
He breathed a sigh of relief and mopped some sweat from his brow.
Jade quickly followed suit and got hers right too.
Bubbling blood red lava spat below them and a gust of wind almost knocks Felix off his feet, giving him the same heebie jeebies.
Time for question number 2:
“Felix, who had the biggest penis in Tequila Sun? Yourself, Rhino Zagreb or Cherry Fontaine?”
Felix thought about his answer and what it would mean to mankind and pop humanity.
He considered the true ramifications of a nightmarish outcome he couldn’t possibly go through again.
This could be even worse than reliving the 90s!
But fuck it!
He went with his ego and said “Me!” dropping his pants to prove otherwise.
Jade got her next question right and suddenly the bridge panel Felix was standing on gave way and he fell screaming into a certain fiery death below.
Only it was all a cheap set up for the TV show.
Production had been over budget.
They’d spent too much money on the bomb that blew up The Ant from Adam and.
So it wasn’t a fiery lava pit at all, it was a giant pool of sparkling marmalade.
Production mixed back to the TV studio and Dexter announced on set: “Please welcome our winner of ‘I’m a Has Been, Please Don’t Feed me to the Lions’, star of Pink Champagne… its Jade Astley.
The audience reaction was mixed as Jade joined Dexter on stage, looking both terrified and thrilled. Confetti cannons and fireworks went off and the credits rolled.
Felix was alive - just a little sticky – and resigned to going back to the Pig & Whistle Working Man’s Pub in Grimsby.
However fate still had one more surprise up its sleeve…
He thought of Holly and how he longed to be with her.
And he wrote a song about it. And sang it. And it went something like this:
“Whoever said that love was easy, was lying, it ain’t clearer to see…
Sometimes I feel like I am dying, like I am dying, oh baby set me free…
From the spell you have me under, it makes me kind of wonder…
Does the pleasure equal out the pain?
Feelings raging out of control, should I sell the devil my soul, and slowly I am being driven insane…
This is killing me (us being apart)
This is killing me (like an axe through my heart)
This is killing me (till death us do part)
The way I feel about you…
This is killing me (bang bang, I’m dead)
This is killing me (you’re filling me with lead)
This is killing me (you heard what I said)
The way you make me feel…”
Holly was in the audience at the Pig & Whistle that night and she heard every line.
Chapter 29. (Alternate Universe)
When Felix’s agent Max Jacks suggested the band get back together, it didn’t seem quite the mammoth task it did before.
Cherry Fontaine hadn’t gone into hiding or reverted back to her former self; she’d lived a fulfilling life and had an epic career.
She hadn’t fucked Felix up the arse with a strap on microphone, so Holly hadn’t revealed her secret to the News of the World.
And in return: Cherry hadn’t attempted to kill Holly or ended up in Prisoner: Cell Block H.
Instead, when the band originally split up, she was much sought after as a true 1980s pioneer of fashion and a true style icon.
She’d developed and designed her own range of androgynous clothing for her own fashion brand called Neptune; for those of us yet to decide or reluctant to shop in either Venus or Mars.
And she’d created her very own unis ex-neutral eau de toilette, which she’d called Cherry Bomb, for those not overly inspired otherwise.
To top that she also married a hot footballer or three (and slept with another two dozen) and had twice as many hit solo records in Japan, both of which had dried up now (as well as her fanny) so she was keen to give it another shot.
And lubricating up as we speak.
Rhino Zagreb on the other hand was off saving the real rhino – this time quite literally – from poachers and the illegal trading of their horns in West Africa; so was unable to re-join.
However following Felix’s ram pant gig in Grimsby, Holly had found an abandoned scruffy poodle called Truffles and driven 70 miles to get him a perm, cut and blow dry.
It was there she met the perfect replacement: Hawky Andrews.
“I hear you’re the best poodle hair stylist in town,” she said, as she entered the salon.
“You got that right, girlfriend,” he replied.
He hissed his S’s like a snake, was as camp as a row of tents at Christmas, and when he walked, he minced like he’d been f c ked by a thousand escaped convicts…
But hey, he looked a little like Rhino and could bang a good cymbal.
He could also sing with the help of a Calrec Soundfield microphone and seemed happy to take on the same moniker for an exciting new career in show business (though a little sad to give up his poodle salon.)
Of course the fact he was also a witch and could do magic might not exactly hinder their chances of getting back in the top 10 again either.
Holly wasn’t as stupid as she looked.
Well not on a Thursday anyway.
And she’d lived a life, almost completely without regret.
Things hadn’t worked out between her and Felix, as we all suspected it wouldn’t.
True love exists only in the mind of Mills and Boon readers, and self-obsessed single fantasists.
A real relationship is a rocky one, and has to be nurtured with time
There are ups and downs.
They’d been married and divorced a few times.
Couldn’t live with each other or without, it seems.
But Felix had at least managed to maintain
a relationship with his spunky daughter Fifi.
However Felix and Holly hadn’t spoken in years.
Not since their latest divorce.
They forget what it was over.
Holly was still a little jealous possessive.
Felix still thought oftentimes with his dick.
But there was bond between them that could never truly be broken.
Chapter 30. (Karma Chameleon)
So the band were back together and riding the crest of a wave in the pop charts again.
Cherry was cultivating style and Rhino was becoming a pro at banging that cymbal.
In fact the only awkwardness was between Felix and Holly themselves, although neither knew exactly why.
So Felix decided to address the situation.
“Why haven’t we spoken in years?” he asked, dumbfounded
“I don’t really know,” she replied, and continued:
“Whoever said that love was easy, was lying. That isn’t clearer to see.”
Felix realised she was reciting the words to his latest song and smiled.
“Sometimes I feel like I am dying,” he said. “Oh baby set me free.”
“From the spell you have me under,” Holly continued. “It makes me kind of wonder, does the pleasure equal out the pain?”
“Feelings raging out of control, should I sell the devil my soul?” Felix followed on. “Slowly I am being driven insane.”
There was a beat of silence.
Their eyes locked.
“This is killing me,” Holly said, breathlessly.
“Us. Being Apart.”
A lone tear ran down Felix’s cheek.
“Like an axe through my heart,” he concluded.
And finally they embraced, kissing passionately and tearing each other’s clothes off as they did…
But evil, mad cow and shape shifting bitch Rita Barker was not ready to be truly reckoned with, just yet.
Pink Champagne’s own comeback had somewhat faltered again.
And Rita knew the only thing stopping Tequila Sun from complete and total utter world domination was Felix and Holly getting back together again.
The new single was already number 1 in the midweek chart and pre-orders for the album were going through the roof.
She was jealous and simply had to stop them, once and for all.
So she shape shifted into Rhino and stole his magic powers again.
She then turned him into a poodle with a bad perm and pink rinse.
She thought this rather appropriate.
And oh how she laughed that evil laugh of hers.
Then as Felix and Holly made sweet love, she snuck into the apartment to set a further spell in motion that would change things forever.
She lit a black candle and started to chant.
Soon Felix and Holly were making love… on a one way rocket to the moon!
But before Rita could leave the apartment, Cherry made an unexpected visit, so she quickly shape shifted into a fly to hide.
“Felix? Holly?” she yelled. “Are you guy’s home?”
Cherry looked in the bedroom and saw nothing but ruffled sheets.
She noticed the black candle on the table, which looked like it had just been put out.
The fly was buzzing around it.
“Ooh, kinky,” she thought to herself.
She decided to wait for them, much to Rita’s annoyance.
She picked up a copy of Smash Hits magazine from the magazine rack next to the sofa.
The date on it read 15 May 1987.
Tequila Sun were the cover stars.
“This is a blast from the past,” she said, as she sat down to read it.
Then she heard the fly buzzing around again.
It started to annoy her.
So she rolled up the copy of the magazine and swatted it.
The End
BONUS MATERIAL:
BAND PROFILE
Tequila Sun were the original pop tarts, formed in 1984, and whose career originally ran until 1988.
Band members Just Felix, Holly Wood, Cherry Fontaine and Rhino Zagreb were plucked from absolute obscurity and manufactured on pop’s Mr Sheen polished production line.
Tri-sexual superstar Felix (Just Felix to his closest friends) was chosen as lead singer, because of his swagger and ability to fill out a pair of skin tight stone washed denim jeans.
Holly Wood was always destined to be a star. She was christened in waiting, enrolled in singing lessons before she could talk and dancing lessons before she could walk.
Cherry Fontaine was born Chesney Foster and surpassed all expectations… beyond and then some; courtesy of a zest for life, an unrivalled eye for fashion and a lot of spunk (both literal and metaphorical.)
Rhino Zagreb was the irrelevant cardboard cut-out of the band. His replacement Hawky Andrews gave up a high-flying career as a poodle hair stylist to help take the band back to the top of the pop charts, where they well and truly belong.
They had an abundance of pop hits in the 80s, including the Christmas chart topper ‘Snowman in Sunshine’ (“You make me feel like a snowman in sunshine, Baby I’d melt every time I looked in your eyes, I was a snowman in sunshine.”)
Following their reunion they returned to the charts with hits ‘Supermarket Checkout Operator’, ‘Hard Luck Kind of a Guy’ and the number 1 smash ‘This is Killing Me’.
Their biggest adversary remains their own volatile personalities, as well as their inability to keep their genitals in their underpants; and of course their evil nemesis’… rival pop band Pink Champagne.
FELIX
FACT~FILE:
Name: Just Felix
Birthdate: 16/09/1966
Birthplace: London
Birth Sign: Virgo
Height: 5’ 11”
Weight: 12 stone
Hair: Blonde streaks
Eyes: Blue
Education: We don’t need no!
Home: London
Hobbies: Sexual Gold
Pet: I stroke little Felix, often
Previous Jobs: His own impersonator
Favourite Food: Jalapenos
Favourite Drink: Vodka
Favourite Sport: 69ers
Childhood Hero: Scooby Doo
Likes: Orgies
Dislikes: The 90s
HOLLY
FACT~FILE:
Name: Holly Wood
Birthdate: 04/02/1968
Birthplace: Cheshire
Birth Sign: Aquarius
Height: 5’ 7”
Weight: 9 stone
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Green
Education: Stage Schooled from the uterus!
Home: Kent
Hobbies: Making plaster casts of dicks
Pet: Poodle called Truffles
Previous Jobs: Supermarket Checkout Operator
Favourite Food: Cheesecake
Favourite Drink: White Zinfandel
Favourite Sport: Shape Up & Dance
Childhood Hero: Kelly Garrett
Likes: Being famous
Dislikes: Not being the centre of attention
CHERRY
FACT~FILE:
Name: Cherry Fontaine
Birthdate: 22/12/1967
Birthplace: Durham
Birth Sign: Capricorn
Height: 5’ 9”
Weight: 10 stone
Hair: Jet Black
Eyes: Grey
Education: Hard school of knocks
Home: London
Hobbies: Fashion and footballers
Pet: A ladybird in a matchbox
Previous Jobs: Cuntact Centre
Favourite Food: Pop Tarts
Favourite Drink: Champagne, not pink
Favourite Sport: Starfish aerobics
Childhood Hero: Wonder Woman
Likes: Androgyny
Dislikes: Mars and Venus
RHINO
FACT~FILE:
Name: Rhino Zagreb aka
Hawky Andrews
Birthdate: 21/05/1965
Birthplace: Sheffield
Birth Sign: Gemini
Height: 6’ 2”
Weight: 13 stone
Hair: Auburn
Eyes: Hazel
Education: Sheffield Hairdressing Academy
Home: London
Hobbies: Dog grooming
Pet: Doppelganger in my sex dungeon
Previous Jobs: Poodle Hairdresser
Favourite Food: German Sausage
Favourite Drink: Babysham
Favourite Sport: Water sports
Childhood Hero: Rita Barker
Likes: Glitter
Dislikes: Zombies
DISCOGRAPHY
Out of Nowhere; released November 1984; highest chart position 18
Brainwashed; released March 1985; highest chart position 12
Snowman in Sunshine; released December 1985; highest chart position 1
To Touch Your Soul; released May 1986; highest chart position 3
Josephine; released September 1986; highest chart position 5
Freeze Frame; released June 1987; highest chart position 10
No-One Will Ever Love You More; released January 1988; highest chart position 21
Supermarket Checkout Operator; released April 2015; highest chart position 11
Hard Luck Kind of a Guy; released July 2015; highest chart position 2
This Is Killing Me; released October 2015; highest chart position 1
LYRICS:
Supermarket Checkout Operator
When I first saw her my heart skipped a beat,
I grew 9 inches, I lost my shredded wheat,
Pop Tarts: Omnibus Edition Page 8