by Bria Quinlan
Even as I considered the fact that Connor and I still had a lot to learn about each other, I thought about the important stuff and wondered if we knew enough of that. If each of us knew enough of the other to make a good, true decision about life forever.
I took the margarita ingredients out and started to make the drinks. If we were going to sit silently, I was at least going to have some frosty goodness to enjoy.
The loud buzz of the blender chopping the ice up cut the silence, getting me that much closer to my strawberry goodness.
I carried the tray into the living room and set it down.
“It’s not that I don’t think you’re good enough for him,” Jenna said, staring into her margarita glass like it was a crystal ball.
I worked to reply, not knowing what I was going to say, but Abby nudged me with her knee and shook her head.
“It’s…” Jenna glanced up then, looking everywhere but at me for a while until her gaze finally found mine. “I’m afraid to say anything about Connor. I know that you guys are getting serious—”
I went to break in. If we were talking marriage we were more than getting serious. We were serious and talking about getting permanent.
“No. Wait.” She raised her hand to stop me. “We’re in this weird place where I don’t know how things are going with you guys. I like Connor. I mean, it’s hard not to like him. He’s likeable and charming. But…”
She glanced at Abby as if she’d find help there, but Abby wasn’t going to do anything but have Connor’s back in this conversation.
“If I say anything bad about Connor, and you guys do get married, it’s going to be there forever. There’s no coming back from that. But if I don’t say the things that worry me, and you marry him and it’s not the right move, then that will be horrible too.”
Instead of making me feel better, Jenna opening up only made me more worried. I felt the tequila from my few sips of margarita going sour in my stomach.
“Okay.” Abby nodded, more to herself than to us. As if she were about to do something insane. Which, Abby’s version of insanity might be worrisome. “What if we have twenty minutes where we’re totally in a safe zone? Jenna can say some of her fears and we can know that they’re temporary and never bring them up again after today. Hailey can talk about her fears without ever having them thrown back in her face later. Like purging. When you purge stuff, it’s gone. Like, gone-gone.”
I looked at her, the girl we’d had just outside our circle of friends for so long and felt suddenly grateful.
I took a deep breath, knowing no matter how much we called this purging, it might still be there years later.
“Okay,” I finally said, glancing Jenna’s way to see what she’d think.
“Really gone-gone, never to be discussed again?” she asked.
“Yes.” Abby gave a sharp nod, decisive, argument ending. “Even to Kasey and Jayne. Even to Connor. They aren’t here. This is only for here.”
“Okay.” Jenna glanced at me and smiled, a half-hearted nervous thing I’d never seen on her face before.
Abby glanced between us, and continued, “There are some rules. You can’t argue with the person. You have to let them finish. Then you can—calmly—give a response. The person can give one response back. Then we trade.”
“That’s very structured.” I looked at Abby like she was a superhero.
“Structure makes things run smoothly.” She glanced between us again. “Jenna, you’re the most worried, so you go first.”
Jenna obviously didn’t like this, but I thought it was fair since she was the one who kept creating these bumps in our relationship super-highway.
“I’m worried that Connor is comfortable right now because he has everything he wants. That you’re part of some Connor-is-great package deal that makes him happy and makes him look good to everyone else.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. I just kind of looked at her, trying to get the words to make sense.
I turned to Abby, wanting to clarify the rules. “Am I allowed to ask a clarifying question?”
Abby nodded. “I’ll allow it.”
“So, you think Connor is using me?” I mean, was that what it boiled down to? That she thought I was just a cog in his celebrity power wheel.
Jenna made her thinking face—swished up nose, gaze lifted off to her right—working through her answer.
“I’m not sure he’s doing it purposefully. Like,” she continued, speaking slowly as if every word had weight—which they did. “Maybe he’s being subconsciously swayed to behaving in a certain manner. He’s got the nice girl with the good reputation. He’s settled down. He’s behaving himself. And now he’s gotten to stay on his team and he’s getting more interviews and he’s off being courted for sponsorships. So, I’m not saying he’s using you-using you. Just that maybe he’s…”
“Using me?” I tried not to laugh at Jenna even now in the safe zone dancing around what she really wanted to say.
“Yes…but not on purpose!” That seemed really important to her.
I thought it through. She seemed to be thinking a lot of things.
“So.” I glanced Abby’s way. “I’m not sure I have a comment to that yet. Can I return to it?”
Mediator Abby glanced at Jenna, who gave a little nod, before saying, “Allowed.”
“I’m worried that…” I sorted through everything in my head right now, not sure how much of it I wanted to share even with the rules. “I’m worried you guys will never accept Connor because we had a rocky start.”
Understatement.
Abby nodded and turned to Jenna. “How do you feel about that?”
“Well, they did have a really rocky start and he didn’t seem to come around until he realized he didn’t have a choice and being with her would clean up his image.”
I tried to think of it from Jenna’s point of view. She’d had to watch me fake-date Mr. America’s Sexiest Athlete Playboy. She’d known his reputation—of course, everyone knew his reputation thanks to TMZ and People magazine—but still. People change. The fact that we had to work through our immediate dislike of one another and the forced proximity to really get to know each other, to really see the other for who they were, made us closer than other couples might be at this point.
Or ever.
Abby glanced my way. “Do you feel like that’s true?”
“Not really.” I hadn’t realized how much my friends didn’t see. All the little things, all the thoughtful stuff, the moments where it was just us. “He made a lot of effort to make me comfortable, to keep me safe from the craziness of his world.”
I thought about how he was still doing that—even at the risk of my heavy annoyance—with the doors and the security.
“He’s changed his life a lot to fit with mine. I don’t think this is him changing behavior based on positive outcomes. I mean…sometimes I can’t get rid of him. I just want to write and he’s all let’s go watch a game. Let’s see a movie. There’s this sledding place in Nashoba.”
“Wait. He took you sledding?” Abby looked annoyed to have been left out of that adventure.
“Sledding?” Jenna asked, as if to clarify.
“Yup. We drove out to Nashoba Valley and went sledding. Then we had dinner at a bed and breakfast and came back home.” I thought about more examples of Connor doing stuff in a way that meant we got to be together without fans—or my friends. Just us.
While Jenna seemed to be shifting from doubtful to thoughtful, I was struggling with my own thoughts.
I mean, this is why you have girlfriends—to challenge you when you need it. What if she was right? What if she could see the situation more clearly?
I didn’t think Connor was using me.
But she had a point about the positive reinforcement. Maybe some of it was that.
But—
“I don’t think he’s using her.” Abby finally spoke up, stepping out of her mediator role. “I get what you’re saying, but Hailey�
��s right. There’s stuff in every relationship we don’t see. She’s just done it backward.”
“What does that mean?” I do a lot of things in the wrong order, but this was a bit too much even for me.
“Well, girlfriends usually gush about their new guy and hide the bad stuff. You’ve managed to do the opposite. You’re the only one who has gotten to really see Connor.”
Jenna nodded, like this was my fault, like I’d purposefully been hiding him. I wasn’t sure what to say to this. A lot of things rushed through my head and I squished them down.
“Hailey.” Abby pulled my attention back. “It looks like you have your next statement to make.”
It was almost like she’d read my mind. But she had seen Connor. She knew him. He wasn’t afraid of her.
I took a deep breath and dove right in. “You guys don’t include Connor in anything. How are you supposed to get to know him if he’s just this extra guy who is sometimes around?”
“What do you mean? He’s always with you on Sundays at The Brew.”
“You’ve never invited him to game night.”
“Of course he’s invited to game night! He never shows up.” She was almost shouting by the end.
“You’ve never invited him,” I repeated.
“He’s never come.”
This was starting to feel a little Yes, I did—No, you didn’t for me.
In the background, my phone rang Connor’s song of the week and I ignored it, knowing that was the last thing this night needed.
“Okay, kids. That’s enough.” Abby took a sip of her rapidly melting margarita while looking intriguingly thoughtful. “Jenna, have you ever said to him, Connor, we’re having game night Wednesday. We’d love for you to join us.”
“It’s Hailey’s job to invite him.” She crossed her arms looking even more stubborn than usual.
“Why?” Abby asked.
“Why? Because he’s her boyfriend.”
“What did you say to Sarah when you invited her?” Abby. That sneaky, sneaky girl.
Jenna’s cheeks got pink as she admitted it. “That we’d love for her and John to join us for game night.”
“And have you explicitly said to Hailey that you’d love for Connor to join you?”
Jenna and I both knew the answer to that. There was no going back now that she’d started this and she knew it. I could see she didn’t know if she wanted to be more angry, upset, or embarrassed.
We watched as Jenna pulled herself together then settled into her answer.
“No. I haven’t.” She gave me a sad little smile. “I’m sorry. I should have. And I suppose that the time he spends with Abby and you would be why Abby likes him?”
“It’s easier to dislike someone you don’t know.” Abby gave her a soft smile, looking not her snarky self at all.
“Okay. I’ll get to know him better. See what he’s like now.”
“So, Hailey. You gonna check that message? It might be Kasey.” Abby knew it wasn’t Kasey. She was just being a little snot.
“That’s okay.”
“I mean, I wouldn’t want to keep you from anything important.”
“Nope. Really.”
“I just—”
“Oh, just listen to your message,” Jenna interrupted. “No one’s going to get mad.”
I dialed into my phone and hit my passcode before it was ripped from my hand and suddenly speaker phone was engaged.
“Hails.” There was a deep sigh before the message continued. “I hope you’re having a good girls’ night. I was just thinking…I’m really not looking forward to spring training. First time for that. Maybe we could escape for a long weekend. Just us. We won’t even tell Dex we’re going and I’ll leave my cell at home—in case. I’ll ask Nick to find someplace no one will find us and take pictures or talk to us. Maybe like a villa or something. You can read and I can lounge and watch you read and it will be…just us. Just us.” He took another deep breath. “I love you.”
Jenna was staring at the phone, her mouth pursed in a tight little knot.
“That’s…” She stopped.
Abby handed me back my phone, looking a little smug to have invaded my privacy.
Jenna cleared her throat. “That was very…sweet. He seems to really…”
“Love her?” Abby asked.
Jenna turned her gaze my way, her face looking clear of worry for the first time since she’d gotten here, one of her standard Jenna Smiles breaking out. “Yes. He seems to really love you.”
We all just sat there, soaking in the idea that Connor Ryan really loved me.
I’d known that. He’d told me before. Him loving me had seemed to just be a fact. Not this overwhelming tidal wave of a realization that you read about. Once we figured out that we didn’t want to be apart—that we didn’t want that false relationship we’d started with—it was just the truth about our hearts.
They beat together.
21
I woke up hungover—not from anything I’d drank, but from the emotions of just going through the twenty-minute safe zone.
I did feel like Jenna and I were in a better place and it was great to see Abby feeling like she was one of the girls.
On top of that, after last night, I found myself needing some Connor-time. Some sane, no Nick, Connor-time.
Washing my stressed-out night off me, I dried my hair then texted him to see if he was done with his morning workout and wanted to do something fun. I had no idea what that something fun was, but maybe he’d have an idea.
When that stupid song played again, I couldn’t stop the little smile from creeping on my face.
“Hey, Hails.” Someone sounded up and at ’em this morning.
“What are you doing today?” It was Saturday. Even pro-athletes got days off during off-season. “Want to do something?
“Oh.” Connor sounded surprised I’d ask. As if we didn’t spend our weekends together typically when neither of us was traveling. “Yeah. That sounds great.”
“Don’t overwhelm me with your enthusiasm.” Because, really, this whole weekend was about people not overwhelming me with positive anything.
“No. It’s not that. I just let the morning get away from me.” There was a loud thud behind him then a noise like someone was mowing a lawn or using a really, really big blender.
Imagine the margaritas!
“Where are you?” I asked, instead of what flavor margarita he was having for breakfast.
“Me? Right now? Where am I?”
“Yes. You. Where are you right now?” I had the urge to glance at my phone to make sure I’d called the right person. I heard him muffle the phone and say something, and the noise stopped. “As opposed to where is Nick tomorrow.”
“Oh. Ha ha.” Did Connor just fake laugh at a non-joke? “I’m at home.”
“Really?” Why was I suddenly suspicious of everything?
“Yup. At home.” He took a deep breath then continued, “You want to do something today?”
At least he didn’t make it sound like it was an imposition. That he was taking time out of his day. I’d just caught him off guard. Everyone lost track of time sometimes, right?
“I was thinking we could do something fun.”
“Great! What would you like to do?” he asked, and I knew that no matter what I said, he’d be up for it. He’d do anything that would make me happy.
But, would it make him happy?
“What do you want to do?” I asked, trying to put the ball back in his court.
“Anything sounds good,” he answered, sounding a little distracted before there was a loud thud like he’d dropped something heavy.
“Are you okay?” What was going on over there? Was he ripping walls down?
“Yup. Everything’s fine. All good here. Nothing going on at all.”
Okay. So everything was fine and we could do whatever I wanted to do.
This was not right. Not right at all.
I didn’t want to do whatever I
wanted to do.
Yes. I know how that sounded, but I wasn’t insane.
What if we spent all this time with him letting us do what I wanted to do until he realized we never did anything he wanted to do and then suddenly we realized we had nothing in common and then life was a mess and we had to tell the dog we were getting a divorce and we’d fight over custody of him and I’d only get to have him here when Connor was on the road?
“Hails?”
“What? Sorry.”
“I said, do you know what you want to do today?”
“Umm…” I panicked.
There was no other way to look at this. I was in a full-blown panic.
We couldn't get married. We shouldn't even date. We should just call this whole thing off right now. I mean, what would we be doing in a year from now. I had no idea how to hold this relationship together.
"Hails?" Connor was starting to sound worried. "What's going on?"
"I don't know what to do!" I meant about us, but when he chuckled I realized he thought I meant in general.
"Well, we'd talked about going to that space exhibit before it was gone. I saw the smaller version last summer with my mom in Chicago. I think you'd really like it and I'd like to see the other pieces that were traveling separately. Or we could go down to that bakery on the south shore we saw on the local diner show. It's Saturday, but we could get something to go. Did you want to go see the shelter I was donating Abby's birthday money too? I wanted to see what they were doing with it and you could play with the puppies."
As he listed things, I felt the stress drain right out of my body.
Why hadn't I thought of any of those? This was how it was supposed to be. Off the top of his head he listed a bunch of things we could do we’d both love.
"Oh." He jumped back in. "Gavin is having people over for something tonight if we wanted to go."
"For what?"
"I don't know. It's really last minute. He told some girl he met the other day he was having a get-together and I got an insanely panicked text from him last night begging us to show up."
Why was he just telling me now?
"Do you want to go?"
"Sure." I could almost hear him shrugging through the phone. "It's always funny to watch Gavin dig himself out of these messes. But I didn't want to say anything till I talked to you and...girls' night."