She was everything he could have wanted and a thousand times more. Which kind of led him to the next obvious question. Where was he going with this?
A few years ago any talk like that would have him carefully showing the lady in question to the door. But now...now he had other plans.
Courtney stretched her arms out in front of her and pointed to the Los Lobos sign. “We’re almost there. I had a great time, but I have to say, a little of that city goes a long way.”
“For me, too.”
“It didn’t used to.”
“People change.”
She looked at him. “You sure did. Are you sure you’re ready to give up that house and the—” she made air quotes “—‘beautiful people’?”
“I am. The house was nice, but I can build another one just like it, here.” Not that he wanted to. He was thinking more of a family home. With a big backyard and plenty of bedrooms.
“They sure want you back,” she said.
“Who?”
“Those women.”
He dismissed them with a shrug. “They want what I represent. For most of them, I could be anyone. It’s the same with the men trying to get into the industry. I’m a means to an end. They want power and prestige and think I can make that happen.”
“That doesn’t bother you? Them using you?”
“I don’t care about them. I care about my people and the music. The rest of it is simply part of the landscape.”
She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. “I can see that. I know I tease you about living in Los Lobos, but you really fit in. Wayne complains about the small-town stuff, but I can’t see him in Los Angeles.” She laughed. “He would never have survived at that party.”
“It’s not his thing.”
“Mine, either. All the mean girl stuff was kind of fun, though. Weird, but interesting.” She lowered her feet to the carpet. “Thanks for taking me. I’ve never been a flavor of the month before. It’s been a wonderful experience.”
He turned off PCH and drove toward town. “What are you talking about? You’re not a flavor of the month.”
She waved her hand. “Whatever you want to call it. I get it, Quinn. I don’t want you worrying. Being together has been fun and I’m not looking to end things, but I know you’re not...” She paused and pressed her lips together. “Okay, this got awkward fast. What I’m trying to say is that you’re...”
They were nearly at the hotel. He pulled off the road and put the Bentley in Park, then turned toward her.
“Is that what you think?” he asked. “That I’m using you because you’re handy and then I’m done?”
She pulled off her sunglasses. “No. That makes you sound awful. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make trouble or send us somewhere we didn’t want to go. You’ve been so great to me and we have a wonderful time together.” She flushed slightly but didn’t turn away. “I like you and you like me. I appreciate that. As for the rest of it—” She swore under her breath. “Can we talk about something else?”
She liked him? That was it? He couldn’t tell if she was trying to be cool or if she genuinely didn’t care. Not knowing what a woman was thinking was unusual for him. And disconcerting.
“We should talk about this,” he said.
* * *
Courtney wanted to stick her fingers in her ears and hum loudly. “I don’t think that’s necessary,” she said. “Really.” She pointed at the hotel. “Oh, look. We’re almost there. Why don’t we unpack and talk later?” Like never.
She didn’t know why she was so uncomfortable. Her skin felt hot and tight. Her stomach was very unhappy and she was oddly breathless. Quinn was great. Being around him made her happy. She didn’t want anything to change, and she had a horrible feeling that if he kept talking, everything would.
“Courtney,” he began.
“Don’t. Please. Let’s just do what we’ve been doing. Talking and hanging out and the henna thing. That was great.”
“That was great. But that’s not all I want.” He removed his sunglasses and looked into her eyes. “Courtney, I’m in love with you.”
The words hit her with the power of a freight train. She felt physically battered and trapped. Definitely trapped. But she was in a car and there was nowhere to go.
“No,” she said firmly. “No, you’re not. You can’t be. This isn’t love. Love hurts and you don’t hurt me. We’re good together. Don’t do this, please.”
She tried to scramble away, but she couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
The seat belt, she thought frantically. She unfastened it, then fumbled for the door.
“Wait,” Quinn said. “Courtney, we have to talk.”
“No, we don’t. Stop talking. You’ll ruin everything.”
She got the door open and nearly fell out of the car. Once she’d scrambled to her feet, she turned toward the hotel and started to run. Quinn called her name again and again, but she ignored him. She kept moving, brushing away stupid tears and wondering why he had to go and spoil everything.
* * *
It took her only about five minutes to get onto the hotel property. Courtney made her way to her room, going up the back stairs to avoid running into anyone. Once she reached the fourth floor, she realized she’d left her key in Quinn’s car and had no way to get into her room. Not without going back to the reception desk. She kept walking anyway and almost wasn’t surprised when she saw him standing at the end of the hall.
Her bag and luggage were at his feet, but what really captured her attention was the combination of pain and anger she saw in his eyes.
As she approached, he held out her room key. She used it to let them inside. He set her luggage by the bed, then faced her. She closed the door.
“Seriously?” he asked. “You ran?”
“I’m sorry.” She felt herself blushing. “I panicked.”
“Ready to have an adult conversation now?”
She didn’t want to. She wanted to push him into the hall and lock him out. No, what she really wanted to do was turn back time about fifteen minutes so this never happened.
“I take it you’re not in love with me,” he said flatly.
“I don’t want to love anyone,” she admitted. “And you really don’t want to love me. I’m not that special.”
“You’re telling me how I feel?”
“No.” She ducked her head. The sick feeling only grew. “Quinn, please. We’re so good together the way we were. It was fun and easy. There was no pressure. I like you a lot. More than I’ve ever liked anyone. But the rest of it. The in-love part. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to care.”
She looked up and saw him staring at her.
“No, you don’t want to take the chance.” He shook his head. “Why didn’t I see that? This isn’t about me, it’s about you. The risk is too great. What was it you said? Love hurts?”
“It does. I’ve seen it.”
“If that’s the lesson you’ve learned, it’s the wrong one. I’m sorry, Courtney. I thought you were ready to be brave.” One corner of his mouth twisted up. “For what it’s worth, there are a lot of women who would love to know this is happening. They’d say I deserved it. They’re probably right.”
He turned for the door. She caught his arm. “Don’t go. Can’t we go back to what we had before?”
He glanced at her. “I don’t want that anymore. I want something more. I want it all. With you. Or I did.”
And then he was gone. He closed the door so quietly—as if he wasn’t angry. As if he had gone beyond that. Courtney sank onto the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. She told herself to keep breathing in and out. That was all she had to do for now. Keep breathing. The rest of it would take care of itself.
28
THE BIGGEST PARK in Los Lobos was at the north end of town, high on a cliff, overlooking the ocean. On a clear summer’s day, like today, there was no more beautiful view than this one, Rachel thought as she parked her SUV in the gravel parking lot. There might not be big shopping malls or fancy restaurants in town, but she didn’t care. This was worth giving up almost everything.
While Josh unfastened his seat belt and bolted out to find his friends, she took a second to breathe in the salt air. The afternoon would be fun. She hadn’t been to one of the firefighter family picnics in a couple of years. Not since before the divorce. She was looking forward to catching up with people she’d known from before. Sure, there would be questions, but she could live with that.
She pushed the button to open the rear hatch, then leaned in to grab the first of several tote bags. Her back instantly protested, especially on the right side. She breathed through the pain and admitted that maybe it was time to see her chiropractor.
“Rachel.”
She saw Greg jogging toward her. He was casually dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. Both were worn and soft-looking. His arms were muscled, his chest broad. She found herself fighting a slightly fluttery feeling in her stomach. One that made her think how very long it had been since she’d made love to this man.
“Hi. I brought potato salad,” she told him. “And that cucumber-pineapple salad you like.”
“Thanks.” He gave her a quick kiss on the mouth, then reached for the bags. “Let me carry these. Is your back bothering you?”
She heard the words and in a second or two, when the kiss-induced fog cleared from her brain, she would respond.
“Ah, kind of,” she admitted. “It’s telling me it’s not happy.”
“You be careful. You know what it’s like when your back goes out.”
She did. It froze up and then spasmed. She was a mess for at least three days, existing on muscle relaxers.
“I’m calling the chiropractor first thing in the morning.”
“Good.” He closed the hatch. “Come on. Everyone’s excited that you’re here.”
“You told them?”
“Sure. They all like you.” They walked toward the picnic tables under the trees. “There are a few new wives and girlfriends. The guys would appreciate it if you’d talk to them. You know, be the calm voice of reason. You’re always good at that.”
“You mean be the old lady who’s seen it all?” she asked, her voice teasing.
He put his arm around her. “Never that. You’re hot and you know it.”
She was? She did?
Before she could continue that intriguing line of questioning, they’d reached the group.
There were about twenty families along with a dozen or so couples. Kids ran around everywhere, darting around trees and racing across the picnic area. They’d set up portable barbecues on the north end, by the fire pit. When the cooking started, several of the firefighters would stand guard, making sure no kids wandered too close.
The families with infants were clustered together. Babies lay on blankets in the shade, while toddlers explored on unsteady legs. The teenagers were huddled together as far away from the babies as they could get—no doubt discussing how hideous this all was. Josh ran with a couple other boys his age. He would be tired when they got home, she thought happily.
She’d missed this. Missed her friends. While she’d stayed in touch with several of the wives, it had been different. She was on the outside. For at least this afternoon, she was back in the circle.
“Rachel!”
A couple of the wives spotted her and hurried over. Cate and Dawn hugged her.
“You’re here,” Cate said. “Mike said you were coming, but I didn’t believe him. You look great. How are things? How’s Josh?” She lowered her voice. “Are you and Greg getting back together? It would be so cool if you did.”
Dawn nodded. “It would. We miss you.”
Rachel looked at her ex, who was taking her salads over to the food tables. How to answer that question? Four months ago she would have said that of course they weren’t getting back together, but now she was less sure. They were hanging out more and she liked being with him. The problems they’d had before had been worked out, but she wasn’t sure that meant anything more than they’d figured out how to be happily divorced. And sadly, she didn’t seem to be able to directly ask what was going on or tell him what she wanted.
“We’re doing right by Josh,” she told her friends. “That’s the most important thing.”
“Too bad,” Dawn said with a sigh. “Come on. Sit with us. We hardly see you anymore.”
Rachel allowed herself to be led away. She was soon in the company of several of the wives, catching up with what was new with everyone. Some things hadn’t changed, she thought a couple of hours later. The group always separated by sex, with the guys hanging out and the women clustered some distance away. But all that would shift when it was time to eat. Then the families would come back together. Fathers would feed babies and help out with diaper changes. Memories would be made.
Cate brought over a young woman with short dark hair. She was pretty and smiled shyly as she was introduced.
“This is Margo,” Cate said. “She’s dating Jeremy.”
One of the new guys, Rachel remembered. Just out of his probationary period.
“Hi, Margo.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Halcomb.”
Rachel laughed. “Please don’t call me that. I sound like my mother-in-law. Not that she’s not a lovely person, but you know how it is.” One of the toddlers ran by. Rachel caught her and pulled her onto her lap. Someone passed her a set of baby keys and she held them out to the little girl.
Margo sat across from her. “Jeremy said I should talk to you. About, you know, his work.”
“Because you’re scared?”
A blunt question, but it got to the heart of the matter. Margo picked at the grass. “I am a little,” she admitted, her voice small. “I love him and we’ve been talking about getting married.” She raised her head. Her eyes were wide. “I don’t know if I can do it. Live with the worry. I’d be scared all the time. I don’t want to lose him.”
“Does he love his job?”
“Yes. It’s what he’s wanted for as long as I’ve known him. He’s good at it, too.” Her lower lip trembled. “Maybe I’m not strong enough.”
Dawn came by to claim her daughter. Rachel passed her over, then returned her attention to Margo.
“We’re all scared,” she said calmly. “But life is scary. My father died driving home from work. It wasn’t raining, it wasn’t anything. He spun out, hit a tree and died. I was nine and it changed my life forever.”
Margo’s big eyes got bigger. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“How could you? My point is, people die when we least expect it. What I can tell you about the Los Lobos Fire Department is that it’s one of the finest in the state. The guys train every day. They’re prepared. They watch out for each other. It takes a special person to be willing to run into a burning building when everyone else is running out.”
She smiled. “Yes, you get scared, but you also get to be a part of a wonderful community. You get to know that Jeremy is doing what he loves and saving people at the same time. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.”
“Is it to you?”
Rachel guessed no one had mentioned that she and Greg were divorced. Not that their breaking up had anything to do with his job. She’d had a few rough moments when they were first married, but she’d loved him and had known this was what he wanted to do. Not being with him hadn’t been an option. So she’d made peace with his job.
“It is. I’m proud of him and so is his son.”
Margo nodded. “Thank you. I have to thin
k about this, but I’m pretty sure I understand what you’re saying.”
She left and Greg took her place.
“How’d it go?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. She’s scared. She’s going to have to figure out how to deal with that.”
“You did.”
“Not everyone can.”
He took her hand in his. “So the captain is going to talk to you today.”
“Your captain?”
She was proud of herself for sounding so normal while Greg was touching her hand.
He nodded. “He thinks it’s time I started moving up the food chain. I’d have to study for the tests and then pass them.”
“You should do it. You’d be great. You’re so good with the younger guys and you’ve always been a natural leader. Now that I think about it, I’m surprised you haven’t done it before.”
“A few things got in the way.” He studied her. “Rachel, have you forgiven me?”
The question was unexpected. “Of course,” she blurted. “You were wrong to have that one-night stand, but I was wrong, too. I made so many mistakes. I was unhappy, but instead of talking about the real problems, I complained about other things. I wasn’t willing to confront you or deal with us. I whined about everything except what was really going on.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“Hey, Greg, let’s get these burgers on.”
He released her hand. “Duty calls. Save me a seat for lunch.”
“Of course.”
She watched him jog over to the guys at the barbecues. Her heart raced and she felt a little dizzy—just like she had in high school. She didn’t want it to be true, but there was no denying reality—nearly twenty years after their first ever date, she was just as in love with Greg as she had ever been.
* * *
Courtney had spent the past five days feeling as if she had the flu. She hurt all over, she felt sick to her stomach and there was a sense of dread that followed her everywhere. Worse, she’d been forced to act like a character in a very bad farce—leaping behind doors and ducking down corridors, all in an attempt to avoid Quinn.
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