by M.J. Kane
Chapter 29
“Ebony, hello? Are you in there?”
The tap on my shoulder and waving hand in my face nearly caused me to jump out of my skin.
“Are you okay? You seem distracted.” Laura, another zoo intern, stood staring at me.
I blinked rapidly while shaking my head and focused on the sleeping infant in my arms.
Nala hadn’t gotten any better over the weekend. Instead her condition got worse. Watching her energetic spark burn out, depressed me. Her eyes were sallow and her weight continued to decrease. I’d spent the past three months wrapping my life around caring for her. It felt like her demise warned of the failure of my own future.
Nala had been born the week I meet Brian. As she grew, so did our relationship. Her illness began after Brian left, after my rape. Since his return, she continued to get worse. Right after I’d looked him in the face and lied.
It seemed as though no matter what I did, the lie compounded. Any effort to rectify it would expose my secret.
“I’m okay, just tired. Brian came back in town, and we spent the weekend together.” Which made no sense; it was Wednesday, not Monday. It didn’t stop nosey Laura from getting a kick out of it though.
“You’re still worn out? Way to go, Ebony.” Her laughter filled the room as she pulled supplies out of a cabinet.
If it were only that simple.
The most sleep I’d gotten in months came from lying in Brian’s arms. But that changed the moment I opened my mouth.
Continuing my claim of being ‘okay’ didn’t seem big at the time. But I never expected him to ask about pregnancy.
After our ‘oops’, neither of us brought it up again. Brian’s hectic road schedule kept his mind on music. I struggled to forget the rape and worried about catching an STD. Keeping my secret was more important to me than mentioning the results of a pregnancy test.
The possibility of carrying Javan’s child had scared me more than having Brian’s baby. I’d rushed out and purchased the morning-after pill from an all-night drugstore the moment I found out about it. The guilt of knowing I could have killed the baby of the man I loved would never leave.
Brian knew something was wrong and tried his best to question me. Trying to keep his mind diverted had worn me out physically. Not that I was complaining. Being able to make love repeatedly chased away some of the demons that plagued me.
But I was still a liar. I’d stolen something from him and needed to give him an explanation.
How could I explain it?
‘Brian, to be sure you didn’t get me pregnant, I took measures to kill our baby.’
That would be the biggest lie of all. Whether I was pregnant or not, intentionally killing our baby would never have happened. ‘A child made from love’, Brian had said when he placed his hand lovingly on my belly.
A wave of nausea hit me.
‘I got raped. There’s a chance I could have gotten pregnant. To be safe, I took a pill to get rid of anything growing inside me. Oops.’
The truth would be just as bad as the lie.
The implications of my decision made my head spin.
When break time came, I handed the sleeping orangutan to another volunteer before heading for the break room. I found an empty table and spread my notes for school around.
I had a lot to catch up. Since the rape, my grades had slipped. Keeping my mind focused on my responsibilities had gotten harder. Three months of not sleeping in order to avoid nightmares left me exhausted during the day.
The one bright spot in my life besides Brian’s return had been finding an animal clinic that allowed me to work and earn credits needed for graduation. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a paying job. Brian’s continued donations to my bank account were the only things making it easier to breathe. Damn, I hated taking his money. No matter how many times I’d told him not to put any more in the account, the more it seemed to show up in larger amounts. Honestly, I didn’t know what I would have done without him.
I owed him so much, yet held back from him.
My conscience was eating me alive.
Guilt plagued me when my cell phone rang.
“Hey, baby, are you busy?”
I closed my eyes and focused on Brian’s voice. Despite my guilt, his voice continued to soothe me.
“Taking a break, what are you doing?” I closed the notebook and gave him my full attention.
“I’m leaving practice at the studio. I was on my way home and started thinking of you. The days have been flying by. Even though you’re not far away, it seems as if it’s just as hard to be with you.”
“Yeah, I know. I should have a few days off later this week.”
“I hope one of them is Sunday. My mom has invited us over for dinner.”
“I’m off then. Visiting your parents would be fun.”
“Good. By the way, why didn’t you tell me you’d been talking to my mom?”
“Oops, busted.” I laughed lightly.
“You can say that again. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to think of me as the clingy girlfriend. I called her one day to say hello. And, I don’t know, talking to your mom felt as though I was near you.”
Hearing the voice of wisdom from an older woman after my attack reassured me. I could have talked to my mother, but she would have known something was up within five minutes of calling. Mrs. Young didn’t know me, so there was nothing to fear.
Brian was quiet on the line.
“I’m sorry if I crossed a line by not telling you.”
“No, that’s fine. It just surprised me she was the one who told me.”
Lie by omission. Thank God I wasn’t Pinocchio.
“Well, your mom enjoyed sharing childhood stories.” I needed to get his mind off of asking more questions. The demeanor coming through the phone felt as if he was going there again.
Brian groaned. “I don’t like where this is headed.”
I forced out a laugh. “My favorite was when your father jumped on the phone and told me you were a junior.”
Another groan.
“You never told me your full name was Winfred Brian Young, the third.” This time my laugh was real.
“Your response is the reason why I choose not to tell people, at all.” He tried to sound upset, but a chuckle slipped out.
“So you were never going to tell me? When was I going to find out my lover was really named Winfred? When we got to the altar?”
Brian’s laugh faltered slightly. “I don’t know. Maybe I planned on taking my secret to the grave.”
I cringed. That was an odd thing for him to say. Did he know what secret I held?
“So, no calling you Winfred?” I kept my voice light.
“No. The only Winfred is my dad.”
“Hmm, okay, so Winky is out, too?” I waited for his response.
His father, Winfred the second, had me rolling on the floor in tears as he shared the story of Brian’s childhood nickname. After years of having girl after girl, Mr. Young grew resigned to not having a son. Then one day, Brian slipped in. Mr. Young, ecstatic at no longer being the only penis in the house, nicknamed him Winky because his penis wasn’t the same size as his. The nickname stuck until Brian got old enough to understand what it meant. He threatened to run away from home if they called him that again.
Seconds passed without a response. Maybe now had not been the time for jokes.
“Just for the record, you outgrew the Winky nickname a long, long time ago.” I lowered my voice to sound sultry without drawing attention from my coworkers.
He chuckled. “Care to prove it tonight? You’ve damaged my ego. It could use some stroking.”
I closed my eyes. The tense sound in his voice seemed to dissipate. I would love to spend time with him again. I needed to figure out how to answer whatever questions he had without digging a bigger hole for myself.
“What do you have in mind?”
“M
y place, tonight. Pack a bag and spend the night with me.”
For once I was glad we were on the phone. It would be impossible to hide the horror in my eyes. I could not go back to his house.
Javan would be there.
My heart raced; my lips went dry, and my entire body shook. I’d managed to avoid him for the past three months. Especially when he came to pick up Yasmine. Brian’s presence would never ease my fear.
I steeled my voice in an effort to sound as normal as possible. “I can’t. I have a paper due Friday. If I come over tonight, it’ll never get done.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. Dammit.
“You had my hopes up. My ego will never recover.”
“I’ll make it up to you. Why don’t you come over Friday night? I’ll be worth the wait.”
“You’re always worth the wait.” His voice lowered, taking on a thoughtful tone. “I guess I can suffer through a few more days.” He paused. “We need to talk, Ebony. Please be free on Friday. Whatever it takes, I’ll be there. Okay?”
My internal alarm went off. ‘We need to talk’. Those words never led to a happy ending.
“Is everything okay?” I blurted.
“Yeah. I realized something the other day, and it’s my fault. We’ll talk about it Friday.”
“Okay, my place as soon as you’re free.”
“Your place.” The line went quiet for a moment. “I love you, Ebony.” His words seemed to leave a lot of something unspoken.
I swallowed hard. “I love you, too.”