by M.J. Kane
Chapter One
At the end of the long, tree-lined drive stood the house, welcoming her just as the owner would. It wasn’t the first time Madeline Carson had made the trip out to Regan and Zach Benson’s house, but she couldn’t help but wonder if it would be the last.
She batted back the tears that stung her eyes. No, she wasn’t going to cry for herself. She was there to celebrate the birth of Regan’s baby boy. Tyler Alan Benson. A child welcomed into the world by two people who were so very much in love.
Oh, she was adult enough to admit she was jealous. Who wouldn’t be? Zach doted on his wife of three years. A baby would only enhance the perfect relationship that her ex-sister-in-law had with her husband.
There had been a time when she’d felt that optimism about a man, love, and her family.
The first tear fell.
It had been five years since she and Carlos Keller, Regan’s brother, had divorced. Five years, and she still mourned it every day. After her marriage to Carlos ended, there was his best friend, Matt. He’d been there to console her in her time of need. That need had led to a relationship, and they’d married only six months after her divorce had been finalized. The marriage had ended the twenty-year friendship between Matt and Carlos, but who could blame them? Neither Carlos nor Madeline could really pinpoint what went wrong to end their marriage. It simply had fallen apart. There were money issues, of course. Then the kids came along, and the money was even tighter as Carlos finished graduate school and she worked two jobs. The very things that were to have made their family stronger had actually pulled it apart.
Matt hadn’t meant any harm when he had come to console her. He was playing the part of a friend to each of them. Things simply had changed between them, and they’d fallen in love. Or so she’d thought at the time.
Madeline pulled to the side of the driveway and wiped at her eyes.
No, it hadn’t been love. It had been comfort. Matt needed to take care of someone, and she was willing to let him take care of her. He’d let her stay home and raise her children. She couldn’t have asked for more.
Now even that had fallen apart.
Madeline glanced at the messenger bag on the passenger seat. Inside it were the divorce papers that Matt had served her with three days ago. So far, she hadn’t had the courage to sign them. She hadn’t even had the courage to discuss it with her children. They would get to that. As soon as Carlos brought them back to her after his week with them, they’d realize Matt had moved out. She’d like to think they’d be a little upset that he was gone, but she knew they wouldn’t.
Oh, it would hurt for the moment. It would hurt more because they’d know it hurt her, but they were too in love with their father to want another man in their life or hers.
Sure, Matt had been a good role model and a loving man to them all. He simply wasn’t their father. For the first time in days, she smiled through her tears. Her children loved their father and he loved them.
She took a few cleansing breaths. Matt’s leaving couldn’t have come at a worse time. Having your husband walk out on you never happened at a convenient time, but she had a bigger battle to face now.
Madeline put her hand to her chest and looked down at the swells of her breasts against her shirt. She had cancer and she hadn’t told a soul. Sadness filled her body with a heavy fullness, and anger riddled her mind. Madeline had never imagined this would happen to her.
“Well, now isn’t the time to sob over your sad life,” she said to herself as she pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror. She wiped off the smudged mascara and fixed her hair. “This is Regan’s moment. It’s time to celebrate life.”
Once she successfully pulled herself together, she started toward the house.
The chairs on the porch rocked in the breeze. The November air had chilled, but the ground was still dry. That would be changing soon, she thought as she parked the car.
Madeline looked at the house. It had been Zach’s engagement present to Regan. Or, as Regan referred to it, her bribe to marry him, which had worked in his favor. Over the past three years, Regan had added her touches. In the spring, the flowers would all bloom around the porch and lay out a colorful spread of welcome. As it was, the drive was paved with leaves that had finally given up their homes on the bare branches of the trees that lined the road.
She climbed from the car and opened the trunk. The large box she’d brought for Regan and Zach sat wrapped in bright yellow paper, reminding her that a new life was just beyond those doors. A cousin to her children, a nephew to her ex-husband, and a blessing to Regan and Zach.
She lifted the box from the trunk and moved it to her hip. Then she shut the trunk, walked up the front steps, and pushed the doorbell. When she heard it chime just beyond the door, she realized that she’d probably woken the baby.
Regan pulled open the door and smiled. “Madeline. I’m so glad you were able to come by. Please, come in.” She stood back to let her through.
“You look wonderful,” she said, but she saw the signs of motherhood streaked across poor Regan’s face. Her eyes were hollow and dark from lack of sleep. The elegant attire worn by the wife of one of Tennessee’s most prominent businessmen had been swapped for a pair of comfy sweat pants and an oversized T-shirt to encompass her swollen breasts. “This is for you and Tyler.” She handed the box to Regan.
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“It’s a box of necessities. Diapers. Diaper-rash cream. Nipple cream for the mama.”
“Thank you,” Regan said on a sigh.
“Just a few other things I think you can use up. I didn’t buy him any clothes. I figured Zach’s mother would want to do most of that.”
“You’re right. Audrey will make sure he’s the best-dressed child at the playground. I think she cleaned out the Baby Gap.” She shook her head. “Zach tells her to quit buying him things, he’s only a week old, but she insists.”
“I’d have to agree. Grandmothers get special rights.”
“Would you like to see him?” Regan offered.
“Of course.”
Regan laced her arm through Madeline’s and escorted her to the living room. Madeline smiled when she saw the bassinet near the sofa with the sleeping baby. Her heart ached a bit with the memory of all of her own children sleeping in it. “Your mother gave you the bassinet?”
“Yes, she wants everyone to have a chance to sleep in it. Carlos and Arianna were the only two of her own children that didn’t get to.”
The Keller family was an eclectic mix, Madeline thought. Regan and Arianna had been adopted by the Kellers when Regan was only an infant and Arianna was two years old. Their little brother, Curtis, was the Kellers’ only natural-born child, and he was a year younger than Regan. Carlos had been adopted by Emily and Alan Keller when he was seven, after a car accident had killed his parents.
When Madeline had given birth to Eduardo, Emily gave her and Carlos the bassinet for their children. Now it was Tyler’s turn. “I guess Clara was the last one to sleep in it,” Madeline reminisced.
“I can’t believe she’s eleven.”
“Tell me about it. The boys are both teenagers.” She looked at Regan. “I’m not that old, am I?”
Regan touched her arm. “Heavens, no.”
They laughed, but when Tyler stirred, they both stopped and watched.
“I fed him only fifteen minutes ago. He should be pretty happy for now. Would you like to hold him?”
“Oh, Regan, he’s sleeping. Don’t bother him.”
“Give me a break. You drove forty-five minutes out here to see him. I know you, Madeline. You came to hold the baby.” Regan reached for her son. “He’ll sleep just as fine in your arms as he will in that bassinet.”
She adjusted the blanket around him as she handed him to Madeline.
Madeline sat down on the couch with the baby, who cooed against her. “He’s so perfect.”
“He is, isn’t he?” Regan adjusted int
o the corner of the couch and relaxed.
“Eduardo had hair like this.” She smoothed her hand over Tyler’s thick, dark hair. “Christian and Clara were both bald. Remember?” Regan nodded her answer with a yawn. “Time flies.”
She let him wrap his tiny hand around her finger, and she felt the tug in her heart. It seemed so long ago when Carlos had sat by her side in the hospital and they admired their first baby. “I wonder if his hair will stay dark like yours or if he’ll get his daddy’s light hair.”
“Hmmm,” was all Regan said. Her head had cocked to the back of the couch, and her eyes had closed. Madeline simply smiled and sat quietly. She’d been there too. It would never cease to amaze her how mothers did it. They could go and go with no sleep and provide the essentials that their babies needed. But when exhaustion took over, it was like running right into a wall.
The struggles of motherhood were just like the cancer that was taking over her body. In order to survive it, she would have to love herself as she loved her children. She would need to have hope, just as she had when her children became their own people and began to experience new things. And she’d need to remember to take care of herself as she’d neglected to do for the past fifteen years while she doted on her own babies. It would be easier if Carlos were there with her.
“Well, little man, you’ve been born into one of the most wonderful families in the world. You’ll be well taken care of,” she whispered, kissing him atop the head and wondering if she’d see him grow up.
“You look natural doing that,” Carlos said from the doorway, watching her.
His voice startled her, and she froze, trying not to wake the baby as her heart pounded in her chest. “Dear God, you scared me to death.” She tried to ease back into the couch without stirring Tyler. She looked up at the man who had once captured her heart and somehow continued to do so. His long, lean body and handfuls of wavy black hair played with her imagination too often. “How long have you been standing there?”
“A few minutes. Did you knock her out?” He nodded toward his sister.
Madeline let out a sigh. “She’s so tired. I was surprised Audrey or your mother weren’t here to help her.”
“Yeah, right. You know Regan. She wanted to do it alone. Besides, Audrey had a hair appointment.”
“Where are the kids?”
“They’re putting their things in your car. I told them to stay outside so they didn’t bother the baby. Clara is pouting, but the boys are fine with it.”
Madeline looked back down at the sleeping baby in her arms. “Well, sweetheart, I guess I’d better go. I’m glad I got to meet you.”
“You don’t have to put him down. Stay as long as you’d like.”
“Oh, I should get them home and settled.” She rose and put Tyler back in the bassinet. She laid a kiss on her fingers and gently pressed it to his cheek. “Good-bye.”
She stood from the bassinet and felt the room begin to spin around her.
“Whoa.” Carlos was at her side steadying her. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah.” She tried to regain her balance. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look so well. Why don’t you sit down?” He held tight to her arms.
“I really should be going.”
“Madeline, there’s no need for you to run. You’re still part of this family.”
She smiled and nodded. The entire Keller family had always made her feel right at home, even after she and Carlos had divorced.
She took a deep breath and soaked in the feeling of Carlos’s hands on her. She missed him, and that, on top of everything that was happening to her, wasn’t helping her steady her emotions. Instead, his nearness and the heat of his body were stirring up feelings she had no right to have, not anymore.
“I’m okay now.” She reached her hand toward his chest, but he didn’t let her go.
Carlos’s eyes scanned over her slowly. “You’re sick. You should let me call Curtis and have him come look at you.”
“No.” She shook her head. “You’re not calling your brother to come and check up on me. I’m fine. I’m just coming down with something. All the better reason for me to go home before I get this little man sick.” She looked back down at the baby sleeping in the family bassinet. The sadness inside her stirred again. What she wouldn’t give to hold her children and watch them sleep with Carlos by her side once more.
Carlos steadied his eyes on hers and then stepped back. “If you need me, you call.”
“I will.”
“Let Matt know what happened.”
Madeline nodded. Once she had turned to Matt for comfort—whom was she going to turn to now that he was gone? “Thanks for meeting me out here with the kids.”
“Sure. Oh, by the way, Mom says there’s still room for two more at the table on Thanksgiving. You and Matt are welcome to come.”
“Thank her for me, will you? I think I’ll just have a quiet Thanksgiving at home. I’ll bring the kids by on Thursday morning after we watch the parade.”
“The parade. Still your most favorite thing on TV?”
“And it always will be,” she said, smiling, thinking about the time Carlos had maxed out every credit card they had to make sure she witnessed it live on the streets of New York. That was a lifetime ago, she reminded herself. Too bad she’d fought him over it instead of realizing the sentiment behind it.
She touched his arm as she walked past him, and then hurried out to her car where her children waited for her. Their smiles took away the pain she’d been feeling. Even when everything around her seemed to be shattering, she still had her children.
Panic suddenly filled her, and she fought back the emotions that were clawing at her. She wondered how long she had left to be their mother.
Carlos waved as the car disappeared down the long drive. The pain that ripped through him each time they passed off the kids was back. It had been five years. He’d thought it would get easier, but it never did.
They’d had a family together. That was supposed to be forever.
As he walked back into the room, Regan stirred awake. “Did I fall asleep?”
“Yeah. Tyler graduated from college yesterday, and now he’s getting married.”
“Smart–ass.” She laughed as she sat up. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep while she was here. That was rude of me.”
“That’s what she said.”
“Liar, she’d never say a mean thing ever.” She looked down at her son and smiled. “He’s so perfect.”
“He really is. When will Zach be home?”
“He’s finishing up a meeting with John Forrester. He’ll be home in an hour or so.”
“Will you be okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Go if you need to.”
He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “Kathy’s making a special dinner tonight.”
“Things are going well between the two of you?” Regan tucked her feet under her and smiled up at him.
“Yeah. It’s been long enough. It’s time for me to move on, don’t you think?”
“Only if you’re ready.” Her voice was soft and all too knowing.
He had to be ready. It still hurt to watch Madeline live a happy life without him. He was dying inside, and he needed to find that kind of love again. “I’m ready, Reg. It’s been five years. I’m tired of wondering what happened to my perfect marriage. She moved on. She remarried. I need to fall in love, and I need to move on.”
“And you’re in love with Kathy?”
“I didn’t say that.” The word love twisted his gut. “I’m just willing to feel it out. I like her a lot.”
“She’s a nice woman.”
“Good, I have my little sister’s blessing.” He bent to kiss her on the cheek. “Take care of my little man. Uncle Carlos will come back out tomorrow.”
“You’re worse than Mom,” she called after him as he left the room.
“Bite your tongue,” he hollered back.
The drive back from Regan and Zach’s was long and loud. The kids had been with their father for the week. Even though she’d spoken to them each night, they all had their own set of stories they wanted to tell her, and all at the same time.
Clara had aced her spelling test. Christian scored twelve points in his basketball game. Eduardo had only two hundred and forty-five days until he could drive. She smiled at him and shook her head.
“That’s only if your father and I agree to it.”
“He’ll agree. I’d be able to help out. Just think about it, Mom. I could get everyone to school and back and forth between your house and dad’s house. Really, Mom, I’m only thinking about you.”
She reached across the car and laid her hand on her son’s arm. These were the moments she had to fight for. “Son, you are the most thoughtful thing.”
“Kathy says that by the time he’s got his license, maybe she’ll be in the market for a new car,” Clara offered.
Madeline swallowed hard. Kathy. She could feel the tears stinging her eyes behind her sunglasses, and she forced them back.
She was more than familiar with the name. Clara had taken to the woman, and the boys thought she was nice enough. In her heart, she knew she should be happy for her ex-husband, but she just couldn’t be.
She’d been the one to remarry less than a year after they’d divorced. Even worse, she’d married his best friend and ruined that relationship. Now she was alone, and Carlos had finally found happiness. She deserved that, she decided. Karma was a tricky thing. You might have thought what you did was right, but in the end you end up alone and dying.
“Mom, are you okay?” Eduardo reached his hand to her shoulder.
“I’m fine, sweetie.”
“You’re spacing out. Want me to drive?”
“You can drive me home in two hundred and forty-five days,” she said, feeling the tension in her shoulders build as they turned into their neighborhood and drove into the driveway.
Matt’s car was gone, and she wondered how long it would take for one of them to notice that so was everything else Matt owned.
It took exactly sixteen minutes.
“Mom! Where is the Wii?” Christian called from the family room.
Madeline squeezed her eyes tight and took a deep breath as she stood over the sink in the kitchen.
“It’s gone. It’s all gone! The Wii, the games, the guitars!” He ran through the door to the kitchen. “Mom, even Matt’s chair is gone. I think someone broke into the house.”
Clara was right on his heels, and Eduardo flew down the stairs from his room when he heard the chaos.
Madeline sucked up her courage and straightened her spine. When she turned, three sets of dark eyes watched her. “Why don’t you all sit down? Let’s talk.”
They didn’t say another word. Madeline knew they could see the pain in her face. She’d explain everything about Matt, but until she had a solid path toward treatment, she wasn’t about to mention the cancer.
She sat down at the kitchen table with her children and set her clasped hands on the top. “Matt moved out.”
They said nothing, but their eyes were open wide. Clara began to cry.
Madeline swallowed hard. “He’s asked me for a divorce. I have the papers and I just have to sign them.”
Eduardo reached across the table and touched her hand. “Mom, why? Did we do something wrong?”
Heaviness filled her chest as she looked into her son’s apologetic eyes. “Oh, no, honey. This has nothing to do with you at all. He loves you. He was most worried about all of you.” She patted his hand and reached for Clara’s. “Matt and I, well, we’ve just grown apart. After your dad and I got a divorce, we seemed to need each other. I just don’t think we ever loved each other like a man and wife should. We loved each other like friends.”
Clara flew from her seat and into Madeline’s arms. The strength that she’d been holding on to collapsed, and she sobbed with her daughter against her chest. The softness of Clara’s hair brushed against her cheek, and the strawberry scent reminded her how young her children still were. How precious. How innocent.
Eduardo stood and walked to his mother and sister. He wrapped his arms around both of them. Christian sat strong across the table and watched, as she’d known he would. He was the strong and silent one. He’d break down in his room with the door shut. When he did, she would go to him.
And when it was time, she went to him.
She’d gone to each of them. She’d kissed and hugged them and tucked them all into bed. Even at fifteen Eduardo hadn’t protested.
With the house quiet, Madeline closed the door to her bathroom and locked it. She ran the bathtub as full and as hot as she could. Then she took the pamphlets she’d received from the doctor’s office out of her bag. As she sank into the hot bath with bubbles and candles surrounding her, she read about the cancer that was eating away at her body.
Her doctor had told her that her chances for survival were almost one hundred percent. But it was the word almost that had her nervous. She’d supported breast cancer research with donations and by walking in charity events. She’d even known a handful of women who had gone through it, including her boss. Never in a million years did she imagine she’d be going through it. Worse yet, she was going through it alone.
There was no reason to alarm her children. Until she had to, she’d keep it from them. Matt was gone. The end of her marriage only needed finalization from the courts. He’d even told her he was planning to take a job in Kentucky to put some distance between them. So certainly, she wasn’t going to call him and tell him.
She closed her eyes and began to sob.
The one person she knew she’d be able to count on would have been Carlos. But then she recalled all of the stories her children had come home with. Each and every one of them had Kathy’s name attached to it. He’d moved on. It was only a matter of time before Carlos found happiness and remarried. It had always surprised her he’d stayed single for so long.
He’d take care of the children if he had to. They seemed to like Kathy a lot. Perhaps she’d be a good mother to them if she…
She didn’t want to think about Matt, cancer, or Carlos anymore. She dropped the pamphlets on the floor next to the tub and dropped her head under the water, waiting till her lungs burned with the need for oxygen before she came back up. It didn’t help clear her thoughts of Carlos.
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