by Amy Clipston
“Ryan!” Joyce called as she set a large bowl of egg noodles in the center of the table. “It’s about time you showed up. We thought we’d have to start without you.”
“I got here as quickly as I could.” Ryan nodded a hello to everyone.
“Onkel Ryan!” Maranda exclaimed as she held up her hand.
“How are you?” Ryan strode to her booster seat and tousled her dark braids.
“I’m gut,” she announced with a wide grin.
When Barbiann squealed, Ryan smiled and touched her nose. “And how are you, Barbi?”
The toddler blessed him with a wide grin and a wave.
Ryan chuckled to himself as he crossed to the sink, then began washing his hands. “Did I miss anything important?” he asked, looking over his shoulder.
Elias shook his head. “No, but Joyce was getting antsy because you were late. You know how your schweschder gets about being on time.” He shot his wife an innocent expression when she narrowed her eyes at him.
Ryan laughed to himself as he dried his hands. He’d always thought his brother-in-law had the patience of Job when dealing with his high-strung sister. While Joyce tended to panic when the simplest things went wrong, Elias always remained levelheaded and soft-spoken. But their contrasts didn’t end there. Joyce had inherited Mamm’s light-brown hair and pale-blue eyes, but Elias had dark-brown hair and hazel eyes, coloring he’d passed along to their daughters.
Mamm patted Ryan’s hand as she reached for a pitcher of water sitting on the counter. “It’s gut to see you. It’s been too long.”
Guilt weighed on Ryan’s shoulders. “I’m sorry, Mamm. I need to visit more often.” Living ten miles away, he did miss his family. He just never relished returning to where . . . He shook his head. Family suppers like this were special, and he intended to enjoy every minute.
“We’ll hold you to that, sohn.” Dat winked at him from the head of the table.
“Rufus! Don’t make him feel worse,” Mamm said, scolding him.
“I’m only kidding, Verna.” Dat pointed to the seat beside him. “Sit, Ryan.”
“Are we ready to eat?” Jon called over their nieces’ voices. Maranda hummed while she chewed on a piece of bread, and Barbiann sang a song with gibberish words as she swung her piece of bread into the air.
“Ya, I think we are.” Joyce sat down beside Barbiann and shushed her.
Ryan took his place beside Dat and bowed his head in silent prayer. Then he joined everyone in filling their plates.
“How’s work?” Dat asked him.
“Gut. I’m building a twelve-by-twenty shed that has to go out next week.”
“What does it look like?”
“The gentleman who ordered it asked for vinyl siding, a loft, and a garage door in front. No windows.”
“Really?” Dat asked. “Makes you wonder what he plans to keep in it.”
“Right.” Ryan laughed. “How are things here on the farm?” he asked as he sliced a bite of his chicken.
“The same.” Dat shrugged. “The work never ends with cows.”
Elias pointed his fork at Dat. “That’s the truth.”
Ryan smiled, enjoying the conversation. But something was up. Each time he glanced across the table at his younger brother, he found him grinning from ear to ear. Jon seemed different somehow—happier than usual, his eyes bright. Jon was almost twenty-five, seven years younger than Ryan, but Ryan had frequently been told they definitely shared a family resemblance. They both had pale-blue eyes and light-brown hair, but Ryan had somehow been blessed with unruly curly hair like Dat’s while Jon’s was straight.
“Hey, Jon,” Ryan said, his voice raised above the din of the conversations around them. They immediately dwindled. “I heard you called this family supper.”
Now Jon’s smile seemed to brighten. “That’s right.”
“What’s the occasion?” Ryan lifted his eyebrows.
“Ya, what is it?” Joyce said with a demanding tone. “I’ve been trying to get you to spill it.”
Elias’s mouth pressed into a straight line. “And she’s been talking about it ever since Mamm invited us over.”
Everyone chuckled. And out of the corner of Ryan’s eye, he spotted his parents exchanging knowing glances, telling him they knew exactly what Jon was going to say. Now he was more curious than ever.
Jon cleared his throat and took a trembling breath. “Well, I’m getting married in December—a Christmas wedding.”
Joyce squealed and clapped her hands.
Elias patted Jon’s shoulder. “You are? That’s great!”
“I didn’t even know you were dating anyone seriously,” Ryan said. “Who’s the maedel?”
Something unreadable flickered across Jon’s face as he met Ryan’s gaze. “Emma Grace Bontrager.”
Ryan stilled as the name twirled through his mind. He must have heard Jon wrong. He knew only one Emma Grace Bontrager in Bird-in-Hand, and she was his ex-fiancée’s sister. Jon couldn’t be marrying her. “Who?”
Jon hesitated as a sheepish expression spread across his face. “Emma Grace Bontrager.”
“That Emma Grace?” Ryan kept his words measured, but it wasn’t easy.
Jon nodded. “Ya, that’s right.”
The air in Ryan’s lungs seized, and then his heartbeat sped into a wild gallop.
Joyce jumped up, then raced around the table and hugged Jon. “I’m so excited. I had a feeling you and Emma Grace were heading down this road. When did you propose? How close to Christmas will the wedding be?”
As Joyce’s questions and Jon’s answers became background noise, Ryan found himself drowning in memories of Lorene. Her gorgeous fiery-red hair. Her rosy lips. Her deep-brown eyes. Her long neck. He could still envision her laughing at one of his jokes and then running away as he chased her.
Lorene had been the love of his life, the woman he’d planned to marry—until she broke up with him, citing his not building their house. Then she’d angrily turned her back on him without another word and stalked inside her farmhouse. His several attempts to get her to talk to him over the next few weeks failed. She never gave them a chance to work things out, an opportunity for him to explain. She’d just left him with nothing but heartache.
And that heartache finally drove him to move away from his family and church district, especially when his uncle reached out to the family when he needed extra help to keep his shed business going. Taking the job helped him cope with the crushing anguish Lorene had left in her wake.
Ryan’s appetite disintegrated as he tried to comprehend what was happening now. He was confused. He’d always believed he and Jon were close. On many occasions, Ryan had confided in Jon, especially when Lorene broke up with him. But Jon had kept his dating Emma Grace a secret. Why? The fact that his brother had done so sent disappointment and hurt shooting through him.
But then he realized Jon probably didn’t want to stir up painful memories for him prematurely. He must have asked everyone else in the family to keep his dating Emma Grace a secret, too, just in case he and Emma Grace eventually broke up anyway.
When he sensed someone was watching him, he turned to see his father giving him a concerned look. Ryan tried to smile, but he knew he’d pulled off only a grimace. He looked back at Jon, still fielding a barrage of questions from their sister.
Then the full reality hit Ryan—like a ton of hay tumbling from the loft in his father’s barn. Jon was going to marry Emma Grace Bontrager. That meant he’d have to face Lorene sometime soon. How would he manage to see her again without reliving the heartbreak that had haunted him for five years?
“Why don’t we serve dessert now?” Mamm’s question crashed through Ryan’s thoughts. Soon he stared down at the large hunk of chocolate cheesecake Joyce had placed in front of him. He broke off a piece of it, but he had to force the bite down his throat because his stomach had tied itself into a knot. Then he sipped his coffee, hoping it would have a settling effect.
H
e also tried to make eye contact with Jon, but his brother quickly turned away after a glance.
Ryan was grateful when Joyce and Mamm began clearing the table, but when his mother lifted his plate, her brow furrowed. “You don’t like the cheesecake?”
Ryan managed to make his lips curve into a smile. “It’s fantastic. I’m just full.”
Mamm seemed unconvinced, but she let go of his plate and continued gathering dishes. “Huh. Well, I’ll put some in a container for you to take home.”
“Danki.” Ryan stood, then followed the other men to the mudroom for their jackets and boots before stepping out to the porch with a lantern. He sank into his favorite, well-worn rocker. He pushed it into motion and listened to the swish of its movement. Then he breathed in the crisp evening air, all the farmland scents washing over him, hoping the rhythmic feel of the chair would calm his nerves.
Dat and Elias stepped to the railing, and Elias pointed toward the far end of the pasture. “We need to get that back section of the pasture fence repaired before the winter weather sets in.”
“Ya, we do.” Dat gestured toward the largest barn. “And I’m concerned about the barn doors. Those hinges need to be replaced soon. I was thinking about a fresh coat of paint too.” He smiled at his son-in-law. “But with Jon moving to Menno Bontrager’s farm once he’s married, and knowing you’ll be taking over this farm someday, I want your input now more than ever.”
Jon was moving to the Bontrager farm? He was sure that made sense somehow, but he must have missed more of the conversation than he’d thought.
Ryan looked at Jon, who still seemed to be avoiding his gaze. He was chewing his lower lip, his arms crossed, standing by the back door and studying the toes of his boots.
Heaving a sigh, Ryan looked toward his sister’s house. The Zook home stood on the same plot of land where Ryan was supposed to build Lorene a house. His shoulders tightened as he again recalled the day she announced she was breaking off their engagement. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs and tented his fingers in front of his face as he shoved away that memory.
“Why don’t we go look at those barn doors now?” Elias said. When Dat agreed, Elias pulled a flashlight from his pocket, then started down the steps with Dat following.
Ryan turned toward Jon, who was now staring out toward the barn, his jaw clenched. Ryan could almost feel the anxiety coming off him in waves. He couldn’t stand the awkwardness.
“You can sit,” Ryan said.
Jon faced him, his expression pained as he sank into the rocker beside Ryan and folded his hands. “You’re upset with me, and I don’t blame you.”
Ryan shook his head. “I’m not upset with you. I’m just . . . surprised.” He rubbed at the stubble on his chin. “I was just wondering why you didn’t tell me you were dating Emma Grace.” A new thought hit him. “Do you not feel as close to me since I moved to Gap?”
Jon’s headshake was emphatic. “No. That’s not it. I just didn’t want to upset you because of Lorene. No one in the family did.”
Ryan nodded. “That did occur to me. But I want you to be froh. And if Emma Grace makes you froh, then I’m satisfied.”
Jon’s shoulders visibly relaxed. “Danki. Will you be my attendant at the wedding, then?”
Ryan smiled. “I’d be honored.”
But then his smile flattened as another thought struck him. Lorene would no doubt be Emma Grace’s attendant, and that . . .
Then another thought hit. Had his little brother really thought this through? Was he rushing into marriage?
“Have you been dating Emma Grace long?”
Jon held up his hands. “I know what you’re thinking. Only for six months, but we’ve prayed about it. We’re ready, and God seems to be leading us. Like I said, we’ll live with her dat, me helping him with his dairy farm, and then I’ll take it over when he’s ready to retire. Everyone is supportive.”
“That’s great.”
Ryan stared out toward where Dat and Elias stood talking by the barn doors, and Lorene’s face filled his mind again.
Four years ago, he’d attended Marietta Bontrager’s funeral, offering Lorene a solemn nod when she looked his way. He’d expected her to at least respond, but she’d looked right through him as if he didn’t exist. That had hurt.
Since then he’d made sure he stayed out of her way, never even attending a church service in Bird-in-Hand. And as much as he’d longed to know about her, he’d never asked his family for information. No wonder they didn’t want to tell him Jon was dating Emma Grace. Being in the same church district, though, they had to know how her life had turned out.
Was she married? He hadn’t seen a man comforting her at the funeral, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t married in the four years since then. Lorene was beautiful, funny, and except for the day she summarily broke off their relationship, sweet. She’d also wanted a family more than anything. Most likely, quite a few men vied for her attention once she was free.
His heart clenched as he imagined Lorene raising a family with another man, and suddenly the questions he’d held back bubbled to the surface. He turned to Jon. “How is Lorene?”
Jon sat back, looking as though he’d expected him to ask. “Fine, I think. Emma Grace has never said otherwise.”
“Gut.” Ryan gave a stiff nod. He wanted to know if she was married, but he didn’t have the courage to ask, and his brother didn’t offer.
After a few moments of silence, Jon leaned forward in this chair, again hesitant. “You heard Mamm say the Bontragers are coming for lunch tomorrow, right? This will be the first time we’re getting our families together. Will you come?”
Ryan stilled. No, he hadn’t heard that either. “Are just Menno and Emma Grace coming?”
“No. Lorene too.”
Ryan was still trying to believe his brother was really marrying Lorene’s sister. Now he wanted him to be in the same house with Lorene—tomorrow. “I don’t know . . .”
“Please.” Jon folded his hands as if begging. “If you and Lorene could at least get along—”
“Get along?” Ryan closed his eyes for a moment. “She’s the one who ended our relationship.” He pointed to his chest. “She won’t want to see me, Jon.”
Jon held up his hands. “I know it won’t be easy. But if you could just try . . . for my sake.”
Ryan sighed. “Of course I can.”
“So you’ll come, then?”
Ryan rubbed at a knot on the back of his neck. “Ya.”
“Danki. This means so much to me.”
Ryan suddenly felt the need to retreat to the solace of his own place. “I should get going. I’ll call my driver.”
Pulling his flashlight from his pocket, he strode out to the phone shanty and made the call. Then he stepped back into the house and kissed his nieces’ cheeks in the kitchen.
Mamm handed him the chocolate cheesecake she’d packed. “Will we see you tomorrow?” He couldn’t help but see the concern in her eyes, the same concern he’d seen in Dat’s out on the porch and now mirrored in Joyce’s eyes as well. He gave both women a smile, realizing Mamm must have been worrying about him.
“Ya. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine. Really.”
He didn’t have to wait long for his driver, and after saying good-bye to the men in the family, Ryan climbed into the van, then glanced at his sister’s house again as they motored down the driveway. What would life have been like if he’d built Lorene a house there and married her? He would never know. But now he had to prepare his heart for facing her in less than twenty-four hours. He just hoped it was strong enough to stay intact.
Minutes later his shoulders tensed as the van sped toward Gap. Why hadn’t he asked Jon—or Joyce and Mamm—if Lorene was married? If she was, her husband would no doubt be with her tomorrow, maybe a child or two as well. And if not a family, maybe a boyfriend. Joyce and Mamm probably assumed Jon had told him what to expect, and maybe Jon thought he knew.
Now he
’d just have to brace himself for whatever was coming next.
3
Lorene gazed at the familiar house, vast pasture, and row of red barns as Dat guided his horse up the Lapps’ rock driveway. She’d visited this farm for church services many times since breaking up with Ryan, and she’d taken each visit in stride.
But today dread crept in. Emma Grace had confirmed that Ryan would be coming when she talked to Jon at church that morning, and for the first time in five years, she’d be face-to-face with her ex-fiancé. How would she manage to keep her emotions in check while trapped at a supper table with the man who’d crushed her heart, her dreams, her future?
As she gripped the cake saver on her lap, she closed her eyes and breathed in big gulps of air, trying in vain to ward off the memories that swarmed her mind. Walking around the pasture holding Ryan’s hand, laughing as he chased her toward the barn, stealing kisses with him on the porch swing . . .
Stop, stop, stop!
Dat halted the horse by the back porch. After he climbed out of the buggy, Lorene followed, her eyes focusing on Joyce’s house across the pasture. That could have been where she and Ryan shared a home and raised a family. But he hadn’t loved her enough to make their future a priority or a reality, and that truth still felt like an ice pick stabbing her heart.
“You okay?” Emma Grace appeared at Lorene’s side.
“Ya.” Lorene glanced toward the road, and once more since Friday, she opened her mouth to ask if Ryan would be bringing a girlfriend. But she still didn’t want Emma Grace to realize how hard this was for her, spoiling her sister’s day.
She did assume Ryan wasn’t married. If he were, Emma Grace would have mentioned that Jon had a sister-in-law. But he could still have a serious girlfriend, and that idea sent a mix of trepidation and envy rushing through her. She stood taller, though, steeling herself against the heartache of seeing Ryan with another woman.
She needed to be strong. She’d been so angry and hurt when she called off the engagement. It had taken years to manage both of those feelings. But once Emma Grace made her announcement, the hurt had made a strong comeback—much stronger than the anger.