by Drew Sera
“Oh, baby. You’re very wanted.” I set my laptop down and went to sit behind her on the lounger. I wrapped my arms around her waist and tugged her against me. “I promise, you are very wanted and desirable. You do things to Anthony and I that turn us on. Innocent things you do drive us wild. Playful and flirty things you do drive us wild. We have amazing chemistry and will get back to where we were. We just need to go slow and be patient.”
Sydney nodded and told me that I made her feel nice and warm from the inside out. It made me smile to hear her say that. After so much has happened recently, it was nice to hear that somehow in all of it that I was doing something right.
Chapter 26
Thursday, February 6th
Sydney
I was glad to get home this afternoon. While I enjoyed getting to say hi to everyone at Colin’s office, I wasn’t feeling like chatting much. It just felt awkward talking with the ladies I used to work with. I felt like they looked at me differently now and were trying to walk on eggshells around me. Maybe they were worried about saying the wrong thing.
What was worse was that I couldn’t get too close to Anthony. He seemed really distant while we were at the office building and while I knew that we couldn’t let on anything, I had a feeling that something else was bothering him.
As soon as we got home, Anthony went to take a nap. I know he’s not feeling well, but he seems so sad. I don’t think he’s angry with me, but I’m not certain.
I sat outside on the patio with Colin and wrote for a while. My thoughts were focused on Anthony. Colin seems okay, but Anthony is different at times. I started to write as if I were writing a note to him.
I’m sorry if I’m the cause of your stress. You seem like you’re withholding something, but I have no idea what. I mean, I know you aren’t as open about your feelings as Colin is, but I know you feel stuff. I don’t know if you’re upset about everything regarding Paul, or if there’s something else. You seem like you’re off in your own world thinking about stuff. I felt so sad when you told me how you’d look at the pictures Paul was sending you guys; seeing you cry really made me realize how much it hurt you. I loved our walk on the golf course and would love to do that often with you. Maybe it can be our little thing. I love you and I don’t want you to be afraid to touch me like you used to. I think I need that.
Chapter 27
Friday, February 7th
Anthony
I couldn’t move my arms to defend myself and stop the punches. I gave up and turned my head so I was facing the door. There were multiple voices in the room but I couldn’t make out anything that anyone said. My ears were ringing. They all were talking at the same time and none of them sounded familiar. I just lay on the floor and let them pound on me. My body wouldn’t listen to my brain. I couldn’t move at all. I just kept my eye on the door. I could see light from the other side seeping through the small gap at the bottom of the door.
The ringing in my ear finally stopped and I began to hear the voices more clearly now. Things were still fuzzy, but I was making out words that at one point in my life I heard nearly every day. No longer was I being punched but I was being hit with a belt. Mother fuck. I strained to listen to the voices again and suddenly their voices became crystal clear. Bruce, Connor and Victor.
My heart began pounding and I could hear my heart beating between my head and the floor. Why the fuck couldn’t I move? Footsteps caught my eye on the other side of the door. I was begging, practically screaming for the person on the other side to come help me. The door finally swung open and Colin walked in. He crouched down beside me and I begged him to help me and make it stop. He shook his head in disappointment at me.
“Col, help me.”
I felt a hand go for my scar and one holding my neck in place right before I panicked. I tried yelling but nothing came out and I couldn’t move.
“Sir?”
Sir? I was my sunshine’s “Sir.” I was being jostled and carefully opened my eyes. I was awake. Bruce, Connor, and Victor had vanished. A fucking dream. I felt a finger tap my side and looked down.
Fuck! Sydney’s hand was on my scar and I had her wrist in my hand. I quickly let go and looked into her eyes. I don’t know if I was blind, but I didn’t see the fear that I was expecting to see.
“Sunshine,” I breathed out in a panicked whisper. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” If I continued to fuck things up like this Colin was going to kick me the hell out.
“I’m okay,” she whispered. I glanced over and Colin was still asleep. “Are you okay? You were having a bad dream, I think.”
Fuck me. I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand and then looked in her eyes again.
“What gives you that idea, sunshine?” She gave me a knowing smile and then took hold of my hand. I picked her up and carried her over to our sitting area and wrapped us up in a blanket. “How did you know I was having a bad dream, sweetheart?”
“Anthony, you’re talking to a girl who has nightmares almost every night. I was asleep on your chest and I felt you start to move. I thought it would go away if you felt safe. I know that you sometimes sleep with your hand over your scar. You’re protecting it. I used to sleep with my hand covering certain things to protect it or keep me safe.”
I felt ice cold. I knew she slept like that before Colin and I. When I went with her to her first appointment with Chris, I learned that she slept like that to protect herself from Howard in the night. I’d take all the nightmares Sydney would ever have and I’d deal with them every fucking night if it meant she didn’t have to worry about them or ever having another one. She needed her rest too and I was being selfish by keeping her up. I hugged her and kissed her lips softly.
“Thank you, sweetheart, for sitting up with me for a little bit. You need to sleep and rest though. Come on. I’m going to put you back in bed.”
“No, wait,” rushed out in a hushed tone. “Let me sit with you for a few minutes, Sir.”
Was she saying that for my benefit, or because she needed it? I felt movement under the blanket and soon felt her hand settle on my stomach. Fuck. She was doing it for me. Sydney leaned her head against my shoulder and I closed my eyes. As I held her in my arms, I tried calming down. Her hand felt so damn good. Every now and then she would make a stroking motion with her thumb that would send sensations through my body…sensations that made me feel like I could relax. I liked this a lot. I really liked this.
I was wide awake, sitting there letting her do this for me. She was so tired. Her little hand would slowly stop stroking my stomach and then it would fall in my lap. She would jerk back awake and go back to rubbing on me. I let her fall asleep and wake up a few more times before I halted her hand from going back to my stomach. She needed her rest.
“Sunshine, you need to sleep.”
I stood with her in my arms and headed back to the bed. She didn’t argue this time and gave me a sweet, sleepy smile. I put her down next to Colin and told her to cuddle up to him and then I pulled the blanket up around her to keep her warm.
I went downstairs for a while and sat on the couch. I turned the T.V. on and watched some basketball highlights for a while. I decided to go in search of that crap I got from the police station the other day. I found it in the den on Colin’s desk and took it out to the great room. I glanced at it during commercials and thought about some of the information. I ended up tossing it on the couch next to me and put my feet up on the coffee table.
Movement on the landing of the stairs caught my eye and I sat up. It was Colin and he made his way down and sat right next to me. His eyes fell on the papers I brought home from the police station and he picked them up then set them on the coffee table.
“Can’t sleep?” He asked.
“No, I woke up a little while ago and woke Sydney up on accident. I didn’t want to be disruptive so I came down here for a while.”
Colin knows me better than I think I know myself sometimes. I appreciate that he wasn’t in the mood to push me
tonight. He just sat there with me for a while. I can actually say that I enjoyed his company.
“I’m tired, Colin.” I let my head roll against the cushion to face him. He nodded at me and said that he knew I was tired.
“We’re all exhausted. I’ve been trying to think of how we can get more rest. So much is going on.”
“Sydney is our priority, Col. She comes first.”
“I know, but you and I need our rest or else we can’t properly care for her. If we got something to help us sleep, would you take it?”
“I guess. But you and I couldn’t take it the same night. If she woke up from a nightmare, one of us would need to be able to be alert enough to sit up with her. Why, were you thinking of getting us sleeping pills?”
“It was just a thought, Anth. You and I are running on fumes.”
“I know. I hate this medicine I’m on. I fucking can’t wait for it to be done. I think I have three pills left.”
I shut the T.V. off and he and I headed back upstairs to go back to sleep. I cuddled up to Sydney and whispered that I loved her right before I kissed her ear.
Chapter 28
Friday, February 7th
Sydney
Two weeks ago, Colin wrapped his arms around me in Paul’s cabin. While Paul had me, I feared I’d never feel his arms or Anthony’s warmth again. Thinking about it now makes my stomach hurt.
I don’t mean to be so clingy with them, but I can’t help it. Until I was with them, I had no idea what I was missing. Then I lost them for nearly two weeks and I was truly in a dark place. I can’t imagine ever being without both of them. I just hope they don’t get angry with me for being too clingy or not wanting to be by myself.
Gina and Matt were coming over today for lunch and to spend some time with us. I’d like for Colin and Anthony to be able to get back to golfing with Matt, but at the same time I really liked having them around. Maybe if they could get back to doing the things they used to do before Paul, then maybe they’d start to feel better. Anthony especially. He’s been sick on the medicine and having nightmares. Last night he was saying Colin’s name and asking for help. I tried sitting with him and I rubbed on his stomach hoping it would help. I know he likes that.
I finally stopped thinking Paul had Anthony, but when I heard him asking Colin for help in his dream, I couldn’t help but think about Paul having him. What else would drive Anthony to have a bad dream like that?
We had lunch outside on the patio but when the wind began to pick up the guys sent Gina and I inside. I knew they needed some time away from me to relax and not worry about babysitting me for a little while. Gina and I came inside and flopped on the couch and channel surfed for a while but I mostly kept watching out of the window to make sure Colin and Anthony were right there. I don’t know where I thought they’d disappear to, but I just knew I felt better if I could see them. I made sure the front door was locked before we sat down.
“Hey, I know you have barely been home and have had lots of your mind, but next week is Valentine’s Day. It’s your first Valentine’s Day with those two hotties.”
“I thought Matt was the only hot one in your eyes,” I teased.
“Look, hands down Matt is the hottest in my eyes, but, I never said those two weren’t hot.”
We laughed and giggled over calling them goofy names like junior high school girls. I knew it was February but I really hadn’t been paying attention to the dates or holidays. I was honestly just trying to get through each day without crying much or thinking back to the cabin. I had wonderful support from Anthony and Colin and our friends. But Gina was right. Valentine’s Day was almost here and I never had anyone to be excited over that holiday. Now I had two.
Before I even voiced that I needed to do something for the guys, Gina reminded me that the guys would not allow us to go out alone shopping for a while. I didn’t even want to go shopping. I’ll just shop online. It’s safer. She said if we went out without them knowing, they’d end up finding out and then the repercussions wouldn’t be good.
I glanced back up at her knowing she was right. But I felt bad because I think she worried she had upset me or put some notion in my head that Anthony and Colin would flip out and physically punish me. She was very quick to backtrack and apologize. I knew better though. Colin and Anthony would die before they ever hurt me. Each time I see Anthony without a shirt I’m reminded that he nearly did die for me.
“What can I even get them or do for them, Gina?”
“Syd, you don’t need to get them a thing. You should have seen them while you were gone. They just need you.”
I felt guilty. If I had been more aware of my surroundings maybe I would have seen Paul coming or maybe I should have gone into the bathroom with Gina. Paul wouldn’t have gotten me and I wouldn’t have gone through those terrible weeks. Suddenly, I felt cold and scared and thought about the other girl…I…oh shit, I was crying now. Tears started to fall without any warning. I covered my mouth to keep it down. Gina had moved over by me and wrapped me up in a hug. It made me cry harder and I wanted Anthony and Colin.
“Syd, Sydney it’s okay.”
I shook my head at her rapidly and held my mouth tightly shut. I tried hard but couldn’t keep my mouth shut and breathe at the same time. My stupid nose was all clogged up. I released the breath I had been holding.
“I should have been paying attention to my surroundings. Colin was always telling me that and look what happened! It’s my own fault.”
“No, Syd. Then I’m just as at fault for leaving you out there!”
Gina started crying too and I felt even worse.
“Anthony almost died because of me!”
Chapter 29
Friday, February 7th
Colin
The wind seemed to get worse so Anthony, Matt, and I headed inside and I came to a dead stop at the sound of tears and the girls crying. The three of us rushed into the great room and the girls were in a fit of tears. I pulled Sydney onto my lap and Anthony sat close by us while Matt embraced Gina.
“Shh, pet. Why the tears, Gina?” Matt softly asked Gina.
“She was blaming herself for being taken.” My heart hurt when I heard that. “She said it was her fault for not being aware of her surroundings and for Anthony getting shot. I told her then I was at fault for her being taken because I left her alone!”
Gina and Sydney were both wrecks and Anthony, Matt, and I hate seeing our girls in distress or upset.
“Both of you, listen to me. Paul is at fault for this. Neither of you are at fault,” Matt explained.
“But, Anthony almost died because of me!”
Anthony took Sydney’s face in his hands and waited until she looked at him.
“Sunshine, no. You and Gina are not taking the blame for any of this. Get it out of your pretty little heads.”
I could feel Sydney breathing hard and shallow. I put my hand up to her neck to feel her pulse.
“Eyes, baby…good girl…try to relax and focus on my breathing. Take a deep breath with me…and let it out slowly. Good Sydney, again.”
I noticed Anthony had slipped his hand under her sweatshirt simply so she could feel him. Matt and Chris have both expressed to Anthony and I the importance of Sydney being able to feel skin to skin contact.
When I was satisfied that her breathing had calmed, I guided her weary head to rest on my shoulder. The girls were quiet and Matt and I dried their eyes. Our girls were still very much hurting. I knew Gina dealt with guilt while Sydney was gone. So after Matt babysat Anthony and I, he’d go home to an upset Gina. I’m sure she tried keeping it in for a while, but even when distracted, Matt would still be able to see it.
I actually think Matt and Gina had intended on going home after lunch, but the turn of events with the girls made us aware that maybe each other’s company would be good for all of us. The T.V. was already on in the background and I got comfortable on the chaise part of the couch, stretched my legs out and put a small toss pillow
on my lap. Sydney lay on her side and without needing any prompting she rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. Anthony moved closer to me and pulled her legs from the curled-up position and helped them stretch out across his lap. Matt tossed him one of the throws and Anthony draped it over her body.
I stroked her hair, rubbed gently on her back and watched her rest. Anthony rubbed on her legs over the blanket and his eyes never averted from her sleeping form. Eventually, I stretched my arm around, out on top of the cushions. It was right behind Anthony but I wasn’t touching him. I wasn’t going to push him, but it was important to me that he felt some support from me too.
Gina was also asleep in Matt’s arms in the chair next to the couch. He had her wrapped up in a blanket and his chin was resting on top of her head. I think all of us were feeling subdued after the tears from our girls.
Next thing I knew, it was an hour and half later. I had fallen asleep. The T.V. was still on but muted now and Sydney was still asleep on my lap. Matt’s eyes were closed and his head was still resting on Gina’s and Anthony had lowered himself on the couch to where the top of his head was resting against my arm and he was asleep. Everyone was so damn exhausted.
Within the hour, everyone woke up and the five of us went to Pizza City. Sydney sat between Anthony and I and we both kept physical contact with her as we ate. I kept my arm on top of the cushion of the booth behind Sydney and noticed her hand was nestled in Anthony’s on her lap. She’s still very alert and nervous when we go out.
When we got back to the house, Matt said he was taking Gina home for the evening. Matt hugged Sydney and then me. Anthony conveniently busied himself with something to avoid Matt. I know it’s grating on Matt’s nerves, but he’s trying to be patient. I’m beginning to worry though if Anthony will ever come back around to accepting comfort from Matt or Blake.