by Drew Sera
“Morning, baby. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
Her eyes lit up and she smiled her beautiful smile at me. She turned her head to see Anthony and her face fell when she saw he wasn’t there. When she looked at me, I could see the million dollar question in her eyes. And I didn’t have the answer to it.
“Come on, baby.”
I encouraged her out of bed and together she and I got dressed and ready for the day. I cleaned and bandaged the wounds on her back and applied ointment to a few that still needed it. Sydney was doing her hair while I watched her from the doorway to the bathroom. She looked cute and sexy in a pair of jeans and a soft purple tee shirt. I pulled on jeans and a black t-shirt and we went for a walk on the sand barefoot. This was a first for her.
I held her hand and marveled in her innocence as I shared in her experience of walking barefoot in the sand with water surrounding her feet every now and then. We stopped plenty of times to kiss and make out. I splashed her lightly as the water chased us up the shore. I picked her up in an exaggerated move to protect her from the attacking water. When she began giggling hard and screeching, I caught myself looking over my shoulder to see Anthony’s face as she laughed. Only he wasn’t there.
Sydney and I continued our walk and then sat down in the sand. I held her on my lap and heard her ask me something I never thought I’d hear leave her lips.
“Doesn’t he want to be around us anymore?”
Anthony. I took a deep breath and nuzzled her tiny neck. I stared at our collar and shook my head at her.
“Baby, that’s not it at all. We need to be patient with him.”
She didn’t say anything but I knew she heard me and I knew she was hurting. I was hurting some too. I worry that I’m not able to help bring him around. Sydney needs him. I need him.
Our heads touched and I closed my eyes. We sat like that for a while and I opened my eyes when I heard Anthony’s voice. Sydney and I both turned around to see him waving us over from the patio deck.
As we got closer to the deck I saw that he had the table set with paper coffee cups, a pink bakery box, and a giant bouquet of flowers. Sitting in front of the place that was obviously for Sydney was a heart shaped box of candy.
Seeing the look on Sydney’s face erased any trace of disappointment that might have been lingering from waking up without him. He stood there in jeans and a white tee shirt and ran his hand over his chest. Especially in the last month, I’ve recognized this nervous habit of his. He rubs his chest when he’s nervous.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, sunshine...and Colin.”
Sydney ate it up, of course, and went to hug him. We sat down and had to tell Sydney to leave the flowers alone and eat her food. Anthony had picked up heart shaped donuts that were sprinkled red, pink and white to go with our coffee. He did a fantastic job with this and I was so proud of him. I felt a little guilty for having second-guessed him. I know it made him feel good to see the reaction his efforts brought out of Sydney.
“I have never spent Valentine’s Day with anyone. The other day I was in the drugstore by Colin’s--”
“Our home,” I corrected him.
“Sorry, I was in the drugstore by our home and was floored by all of the Valentine’s Day stuff. I almost freaked out on the phone with Colin.” He shoved the rest of his red and pink sprinkled donut in his mouth. “I knew I couldn’t fuck this day up. Most likely, it was your first nice Valentine’s Day too. I…” Anthony leaned back and pulled something out of his pocket and held it in his lap. He looked down at whatever it was and then looked up at Sydney. “I made this for you this morning.”
Anthony set something on the table next to her coffee cup and then shoved another donut in his mouth. I took my sunglasses off and moved closer to Sydney so I could see what the heck it was. She picked up a mass of rope and held it by the ends. It was a heart bracelet made of thin rope. Shit, that was neat.
“Oh, Anthony! I love it! It’s a bracelet, right?”
Anthony moved closer and nodded but then shook his head while he was swallowing the donut. He took hold of the heart rope and flattened it on the table.
“You can wear it as a bracelet or an anklet…or ankle bracelet…or whatever the fuck they’re called. It’s up to you, sunshine. But it’s got something special about it…”
“Other than you made it for me?” Sydney asked him sweetly.
“Other than that.” He winked at her and pulled some of the heart loose. Sydney began to protest, afraid he was wrecking it. “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it.” As he continued to tug and loosen some rope, I began to see some dark areas. “Our initials are in here.” Anthony had written our initials all on the same section of rope and it melted Sydney. And me. It was fucking cool. He tugged and tightened the rope back up and the initials disappeared and the heart made of rope was back to being perfect. “See, it’s fixed.”
“I love it. Thank you! Will you put it on? I’ve always wanted an anklet but…never could have one because of the burns.”
Before her lip could quiver, Anthony kissed her lips hard and then pulled her sandy foot up to his lap. He gently tied the rope around her ankle and pulled his phone out to take a picture of it.
He really tried to make this morning special. I was proud of him and I knew Sydney was going crazy over the flowers, cute donuts and the heart made of rope. She was very excited when she opened the box of candy and saw they were all red, pink and white M&M’s.
“Oh, almost forgot.” He stood and went inside and then came back out with another heart shaped box and tossed it at my chest. “I didn’t forget you either.”
I smiled and opened the box and burst out laughing along with him. Chocolate covered gummy worms.
“Nice, Anth.” I shook my head and found it impossible to get rid of my grin. “Seriously, thanks, man.”
This morning Anthony had gone out to find a flower store and in the same shopping plaza was a home improvement store, which is where he got the rope. He said that while he waited in line for the coffee and then the donuts, he made the rope heart. He was so good with rope that he could manipulate it in his sleep. Either way, Sydney loved it.
Anthony was happy and I knew he felt good about this morning. The three of us spent time together on the deck, alone enjoying one another’s company and not worrying about anyone else. It was perfect. Sydney placed her flowers and vase on the kitchen table inside and admired them from several directions and each time she walked by them. It made Anthony and I smile.
Around mid-morning, Sydney took a blanket and sat close to the water with her notebook. Anthony and I sat on the deck and watched her. She spent a lot of time just watching the water and then a lot of time rubbing her lower back or looking downward. I knew this was important for her to have time to sit and process things. Time to write and work on moving forward. But I also knew her alone time needed to be carefully monitored.
“It was nice of you to make that heart for her this morning.”
I glanced at Anthony and he shrugged it off, but his eyes didn’t leave Sydney.
“Not many guys have rope heart making skills tucked in their back pockets. You made her day.”
“I’m good with my hands,” he joked.
He and I shared a few laughs, but our eyes remained on Sydney.
“Hey, why don’t you take your good hands and go sit by her for a while? I’m going to walk over to the restaurant on the pier and see if I can get reservations for tonight.”
“I won’t let her out of my sight.”
He headed down the sand toward her and once he was out of hearing distance I said, “I know nothing will happen to her as long as you’re by her side.”
Chapter 44
Friday, February 14th
Anthony
Sydney sat still as she gazed out at the ocean. When I approached, her face was anything but calm and I could tell that her mind was moving around unpleasant things. I could see it all over her face. Without a word, I sat down beside her and
wrapped my arm across her shoulders.
“Quarter for your thoughts, sunshine?”
She laughed a little and I leaned over and kissed her cheek.
“Haven’t we done the quarter thing before?”
I nodded and gazed out at the water.
“We have, sweetheart.”
I sat quietly with her and concentrated on her breathing. I watched how she tried to keep her hands busy. She’s holding so much in. Colin and I try to get her talking and Chris encourages her writing, but sometimes I think she could just use a quiet shoulder. I know I’ve appreciated the quiet companionship with Colin and even Matt while Sydney was gone. I frowned as I wondered if they knew how much I appreciated it.
“What are you thinking about, sunshine?”
She didn’t say anything immediately and I knew whatever occupied her mind wasn’t good. Colin was right; some space is good, but not too much. She was looking at her feet in the sand and absentmindedly running her fingers along the rope heart I made for her. I gave her knee a playful nudge and kissed her cheek, hoping it would get her talking.
“Paul.”
One word sent sensations of ice cold shards of glass racing through my veins. Paul was on her mind. I swallowed hard and nodded.
“Paul…he’s been on a lot of minds lately, sweetheart.”
“I know.”
I watched her nervously tug at her fingers and then wrap her arms around her knees. When she lowered her head to rest on her folded arms I knew she was caving and hurting. I countered her move by moving to sit behind her and wrapping my arms around her midsection. I held her close to me and spread a hand out on her stomach because I knew it calmed her.
“Colin would encourage you to talk about what was on your mind.”
I kissed her shoulders and the back of her neck while stroking her stomach with my thumb as she tried keeping the tears inside. She let out a heavy sigh and I heard her sniffle.
“What about you? You wouldn’t encourage me to talk?” She asked me with her voice quivering.
“No, sunshine. Not right now. It’s not what you need at the moment. I think you need to relax and let me hold you. If you want to talk, talk. If you want to just sit, then sit. If you want to cry, cry. Either way sunshine, I’m not going anywhere.”
I felt her stomach flexing quickly and I knew it was harder for her to sit there quietly. She held it in until she could hold it no more and then the tears tumbled out of her. I pressed my chest and abdomen against her back and made sure she could feel my hands covering her stomach.
“Let it out, Sydney. I have you.”
I felt her trembling hands mold to the backs of mine and I let my head rest against hers and closed my eyes. I held her until the tears and quivers subsided. I opened my eyes when I heard her sweet voice saying my name cautiously.
“Anthony.”
“Sunshine.”
“Can we go for our walk?”
“Yes, sweetheart. Stand up.”
She stood and looked down at me, the halo of sunlight glowed beautifully around her. I sat there on that blanket and stared up at her. Her head shielding the sun from my eyes, tendrils of her hair blowing in the wind, and I thought to myself what a lucky bastard I am. This woman loves me.
I stood and brushed the sand off and reached around to dust the sand off her butt. The sound of her laughter, even though she was congested from crying, filled me up. I held up one finger, met her smile and winked at her. I pulled my phone out and sent Colin a text.
AG: Sydney and I are going to go for a walk along the water.
I didn’t want Colin to worry. He may not be willing to admit it yet, but if he doesn’t know where she is every second, he panics.
I slipped my phone in my pocket and took hold of her hand and led us toward the water. We walked in silence for a while, both of us walking at a casual pace because we both were nursing wounds and injuries still.
“I’m sorry I cry a lot.”
The last thing I wanted was for her to apologize for expressing herself. Besides, I knew her emotions were all over the map right now, and rightfully so.
“Sydney, don’t apologize for that. Trust me when I tell you that it’s okay.”
She was quiet again and I felt like I needed to continue this conversation with her. I really needed to make sure she knew it was okay to cry.
“Sunshine, it’s not good to hold it in, you have to get it out. Holding it in…eats away at you. We talked about this before, remember sweetie?”
“I cry a lot.”
“Sunshine, you’ve been through a lot.”
She was quiet again for a few more feet and her next words made me stop walking.
“I don’t want you or Colin to leave. If I cry a lot…”
“Sydney,” I put my hands on her hips and turned her to face me. “We’re not going anywhere. We love you.” I pulled my shirt off and held one of her hands on my scar and one over my heart. “I can’t live without you.” I stared into her big blue eyes until she grew blurry and I quickly blinked and looked upward.
We continued our slow pace along the water with my arm around her shoulder and her arm around my lower back and her thumb hooked inside the waistband of my shorts. I knew she felt guilty over crying and waking up at all hours of the night upset. I wished I had Colin’s ability to say the right things, but I don’t. I usually end up making a bigger mess of the situation, but I’d try anything to help her with the guilt. She didn’t need that on top of everything else.
“I like it when you rub on my stomach, Anthony.” I smiled at her declaration that I was doing something right. “It makes me feel safe.”
Safe. I looked out at the ocean as we walked and took a chance on letting a little sunshine into my dark past. I knew she would understand; just as I understand how rubbing on her stomach makes her feel safe. And how it makes me feel.
“When I was much younger, I discovered that if I held my hands under my shirt and against my stomach, it wouldn’t hurt so bad and the shaking would subside.” Fuck. I can’t believe I was starting this conversation with her. She was quiet, which I knew was her way of telling me to continue. “I shook a lot when I was younger. I was scared of a lot of things and a hand over my stomach eased a lot of it.”
I stupidly allowed myself to go back to my youth while Sydney and I walked.
“I was scared to go to school. Scared to come home from school. Scared to go to sleep. I was afraid that I’d come home and my mom would be dead. I’d come home and feared what I’d walk in on. I tried many times to protect her and keep her husband away from her.”
Fuck. What am I doing? I need to help her, not hinder her. She remained quiet, but I know better than to think her mind wasn’t moving around. My heart began pounding and I reached up to rub cautiously over my chest when her voice pulled my hand away.
“How old were you when you discovered your hand helped?”
Oh, fuck. I swallowed hard and cleared my throat.
“Kindergarten. So, I guess five or six.”
I knew the next question was going to be how, so I took it upon myself to not make her ask.
“My mom and her husband had been fighting before school. Bruce hit her so hard that she blacked out. He laughed as I cried over her being hurt and then grabbed me to take me to school. The entire way he slapped and yelled at me. We pulled up to the curb and I jumped out and ran to the playground and watched him walk toward me. I went toward my teacher. I remember her crouching down and she put her hand on my backpack and a hand on my stomach and she told me to calm down. It was the first time that I remember feeling safe.”
“I bet Bruce backed off when he saw you with the teacher.”
“No, he was a monster, Sydney. He walked up to my teacher and smoothed things over. He told her I had been a handful at home that morning, saying I didn’t want to go to school or some shit like that, and he wanted to have the principal talk to me.” I wasn’t even sure how far Sydney and I had walked in silence a
fter I threw that out there. “Anyhow, from that point on when I started shaking I’d put my hand on my stomach just like my teacher had. It would ease the shaking.”
Her fingers squeezed my side and she leaned her head on my arm. I rubbed my hand up and down her arm and bent to kiss her forehead.
“If you can keep your center warm and from shaking, you’re still in one piece and will be ok. Sydney, I know you’ve been through so much and have been close to breaking into pieces so many times. Colin and I aren’t going to let you fall to pieces…we will keep you together.”
We turned and headed back towards the beach house. We walked in silence, but I didn’t fear that she was upset or over analyzing anything. She was calm, and I was too.
“Anthony,”
“Yes, sunshine?”
“You’re always so good me and you help me so much. I want to help you feel better too. If I’m asleep and you wake up, instead of leaving, you can just pull my hand over to rest on your stomach.”
I smiled and told her that I would try. I explained that sometimes, it’s better for me to get up and move around the house. It gets my mind off of the nightmares and I really want those as far from Sydney as possible.
Finally, we reached the huge beach blanket that we had abandoned for our walk and I happily flopped down on it. I was tired and my lower back was sore. I tugged Sydney’s hand so she’d sit down by me. I lay face down on the blanket but balled up my t-shirt and put it under my chest wound. I let my head rest on Sydney’s lap and closed my eyes when she started playing with my hair. I opened my eyes when I felt her fingertips lightly stroke my back.
“Does it still hurt?”
“I’m ok, sunshine.”
“But, does it hurt?”
I was okay. Sydney was here and if there were a set of hands that would make the deepest ache subside, they were Sydney’s hands. I wrapped my arm around her lower back and snaked my hand under her shirt and gently held her hip. She was in my arms and safe.