Lost (The Everett Gaming Series Book 5)

by Drew Sera

  He started to pull Sydney away from me and I felt so cold. “No, wait!” I found my voice and held her against tight me. My dick had slipped from her ass and reminded me that I had a duty and responsibility to take care of her afterwards. I fucked her hard and I needed to tend to her. “I...need t-to…” Why the fuck can’t I talk? Why wasn’t anything coming out right?

  Fucking pull it together, Anthony! I screamed at myself. I remember when Matt had pulled her away from me when I needed her so badly. Just like now.

  “Please, don’t t-take her away from me yet.”

  Colin put a hand on my shoulder and on her back.

  “Calm down. Stay put and relax. You need to come down.”

  “Col, I think I hurt her. Let me take care of her.”

  Why was my voice breaking? I needed to clean her up. Colin and I just fucked her hard and we needed to be responsible and tend to her.

  “You didn’t hurt her, Anth. Take it easy, your head isn’t clear yet. Just be still.”

  I was glad I hadn’t hurt her but still needed to tend to her. Aftercare. I’m good at that. I can do that but Colin wasn’t letting me.

  Didn’t he trust me anymore?

  Why the fuck was it so cold in the room? We shouldn’t let it get so cold in here for Sydney.

  “I’m t-trying to tend to her. I need to take care of her. Can’t you s-see that I’m t-trying to help her?”

  “Can’t you see that I’m tending to you and trying to take care of you?” He asked me. “You need it, too, Anth.”

  What? What the fuck was he talking about? I stared at him blankly for a few moments and gave into the fact he wasn’t going to let me move. I made sure Sydney had some water and was surprised to see that she was already cleaned up. I had been completely out of it when Colin cleaned her up. What was wrong with me? Why would I even think he’d leave her unattended?

  We sat up in bed and Colin instigated conversations to keep the three of us awake for a while. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to go to bed right away after an intense scene. Sex with Sydney was always intense, but this was on a different level tonight with the restraints. I didn’t say much of anything because I was too occupied with whatever the fuck was wrong with me for Colin to say that he was trying to take care of me. I could hear Sydney and Colin talking but for the most part I just wanted to sit and hold her and let her warm me up.

  Sydney squirmed on my lap and I let go of her so she could go lay in Colin’s arms for a while. Colin deserved to have her in his arms too. I watched him wrap her up in his arms and her head went to nestle under his chin. Fuck, I ached now. I was so cold and I didn’t feel right. My stomach started cramping again. I think I zoned out again for a while because I barely heard Colin speaking.

  “Ready for bed, Anth?” Colin asked me quietly.

  I quietly got up to turn the bathroom light on and turn the lights in the loft out. When I got back in bed I lay on my back, hoping Sydney would come over to me. Just when I figured she was going to sleep in Colin’s arms all night, she cuddled up to me and I felt the chill start to subside.

  Chapter 68

  Sunday, March 2nd

  Anthony

  The sound of a gun going off woke me up. I opened my eyes and realized that I was lying flat on my stomach with my head turned to the side. I began to panic and strained to listen for any sounds that would indicate someone heard and waited to see if I felt anything.

  Nothing.

  Quickly I shoved myself upright and sat up on my knees to wipe the sweat from my forehead. Images of Paul’s body spilling over me filled my head. Sydney and Colin were asleep next to me. I swallowed hard to moisten my throat. Fucking dream.

  I felt the need to go for a walk, but promised Colin that I wouldn’t leave them anymore in the mornings. I knew they hated waking up without me and I didn’t mean to do it but lately I just felt like walking helped me shake off the dreams.

  When I tried to take a few deep breaths, a cough snuck up on me and instantly alerted Colin. He sat up and looked at me. I hate feeling like a child or like I can’t take care of myself. I know he’s worried but really, I’m fine.

  The three of us got up and took a shower together. I let the two of them play and fondle one another and I jumped out saying I needed my medicine. For whatever reason, I wasn’t in the mood to shower play. I brushed my teeth, threw on some shorts and a tee shirt, put the small notebook and a pen in a pocket and headed downstairs. My head was in a fog and still fucked up from that nightmare. I could tell that it was. I thought I’d try to write what I remember from the dream after breakfast.

  Down in the kitchen, I took my antibiotic and then started the coffee when another cough came out of nowhere. Fuck, that one hurt my chest. I rubbed the spot where I felt the pain and turned around to begin setting the table when I came face to face with Colin. I hadn’t heard him come downstairs.

  “How bad does it hurt?”

  I brushed by him and shook it off.

  “It’s fine. Where’s Sydney?” I glanced toward the stairs.

  “Drying her hair,” Colin said.

  Good, she doesn’t need to be walking around with wet hair. She’ll catch a cold. Her immune system is still fucked up, too. I set the silverware down before Colin started in.

  “You got out of the shower pretty fast this morning. What’s on your mind, Anth?”

  I didn’t know what to say. So much is on my mind and I felt terrible about last night and then that fucking dream this morning. I continued to move back and forth from the cabinets in the kitchen to set the table. I frowned but kept trying to concentrate on what I was doing. He commented again on me leaving the shower and then grabbed my shoulder when I walked near the table. I pulled out of his grip and continued to set the table. I was angry with myself for not just fucking talking to him. He’s been bending over backwards to try to help me. Fucking find your balls! I told myself. I was going to tell him about the dream and see how he reacts.

  “I…” I started, but then I felt another cough coming on and took a deep breath only for it to be cut off by a deep cough.

  If looks could kill, I think I would have died in the kitchen. The look on Colin’s face was bad.

  “Did you get your antibiotic?” He said in an annoyed tone.

  “Yes, mom,” I said in a raised voice unable to hide my frustration over him treating me like a child. And now I was angry with myself for snapping. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  I didn’t feel right. I really didn’t like how I was feeling this morning and was about ready to say something to Colin. I think I was having top drop in addition to that fucked up dream. Just as I opened my mouth to tell him I was sorry again and that I felt off, he started to talk.

  “I hope the fuck you didn’t mean it, Anthony. Don’t refer to me as someone who didn’t give a fuck about you and stood by doing nothing while you were beaten and worse. I care about you and you mean the world to Sydney and I. You and I love her and don’t want to see her stressed or upset. You getting tossed back in the hospital will cause stress, so excuse the fuck out of me for making sure you stay healthy and are okay.”

  I nodded while staring at the ground. I deserved it for snapping at him. I’m an ass. I was angry over that fucking dream and how I was feeling this morning and took it out on him.

  “I'm sorry. I know you’re not my mom. She never cared or checked up on me. I won’t joke around with that again. I didn’t know how much it bothered you.”

  “It bothers me a lot. Do you know how Matt and I felt to sit and look at medical and police reports that depicted in sick detail what was done to you by your own parents?”

  “Bruce and I don’t share any DNA. My biological dad didn’t do any of that. You know that.”

  “Anthony, your father was absent from your life until you nearly bled to death at school. He’s no saint. He should have visited you often. At least he could have talked to you like fathers are supposed to do. He was a fucking doctor and would have fig
ured it out. You were an afterthought to him. Don’t defend him.”

  Why was he doing this? I hated hearing him say that to me. I knew that my dad could have been more involved in my life. I shoved those feelings to the side decades ago, but he did come to get me and took me away once he found out what was going on. My ears were ringing and I began feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach.

  “He came for me like he promised, Colin…he took care of me and he stayed up at night with me.” I was seeing blurry again and turned away from him. “He listened to my nightmares and even fucking hugged me. Isn’t that what dads do?” Now I was pissed again. Colin had it so nice. Nice, fucking house to grow up in with people who cared about him. I turned to face him with my hands on my hips. I was so angry that at least with my hands on my hips it would stop them from shaking. “My dad was there! Might not have been as good as what you had, but it was something.”

  “I try to do all of that too, Anthony. I try to talk to you about nightmares or check on you and make sure you’re doing okay. You push me away. Don’t insult me by calling me your mom or dad.”

  The creaking floor caused both of us to turn our heads towards the stairs. Sydney was standing by the couch looking nervous. Colin went to her which was good because I was shaking and felt like I had just been decked hard in the stomach. I turned and went back to busy myself in the kitchen, trying to calm down. Kitchens were like foreign languages to me but I had to keep moving and keep busy or I was going to explode. My chest ached as I moved about the kitchen while Sydney sat on Colin’s lap at the table. I was shaking and was cold.

  Why is he so angry with me?

  “Um, what do you guys want to eat?” I asked them without looking at them.

  “What are the options?” Colin asked and I just about lost it.

  He fucking knew what was here. I balled my hands up and leaned against the counter with my back facing Colin and Sydney. I took slow, shallow breaths trying to stay calm. A lump had formed in my throat and my stomach was aching. What the fuck? Keep it together, man.

  “There’s...cereal.” I cleared my throat and quickly scanned the pantry and fridge. “Fruit, bacon…pancakes.” I was shaking and needed to get away. If I didn’t I was only going to let it get worse.

  “Sir, may I have some pancakes?”

  I nodded because when I heard her sweet voice it brought tears to my eyes and my throat closed up. Sweet girl. Colin also wanted pancakes and bacon. I could make breakfast. I wasn’t helpless.

  Or maybe I was. Bruce always said I was helpless.

  Thankfully, the pancakes were microwavable and I quickly plated them along with the bacon. I put two spoons of powdered sugar on Sydney’s stack and then added two green M&M’s in the center for eyes. I put a strip of bacon for the mouth and carried the plates over to them. I pulled out two glasses and then set the juice on the table for them. I guzzled a glass and grabbed a piece of toast before bending to kiss Sydney’s head and heading to the door at the deck with blurry eyes.

  “Time to run, Anth?” Colin asked smugly. “Too much to wake up next to people who love you?”

  What the fuck?

  I didn’t say anything and got out of that kitchen. I had to. Colin and I would be at each other all day. And what the fuck even over? Was this about something else or the fucking parent comments? Was this because I fucked her in the ass hard last night? Was it because of Victor?

  I flung the piece of toast as hard as I could across the sand. I went down to where the sand was damp and began jogging from there. My head was filled with shit as I ran. Colin’s voice topped the sound of the crashing waves that I was hoping would have drowned it out.

  Fine, I had no one positive in my life until I hit seventeen, but then my dad rescued me. He saved me from ever having to go back to my mom, Bruce and Connor. I frowned as I thought about how if my dad had been around some, maybe he would have seen what was going on and would have taken me away earlier. Like a temperamental child, I jumped angrily on water as it crept up the shore and kicked at it as it surrounded my feet. I stopped running and bent over to catch my breath.

  Fuck, I hurt. My chest hurt and my stomach twisted and it seemed that stopping my jog only made me more aware of how much I hurt. I pushed the pain down and took off running again and then stopped to deal with the cough. I coughed so hard that I doubled over and threw up my juice. Fuck.

  “Why is he so angry?” I said out loud to no one. No one was around. There were miles and miles of beach and trails that was all for Colin and four or five other people.

  I took off running again and made it about sixty more yards before I had to throw up again. Ouch. I was cramping and feared I’d throw up again.

  I sat down in the wet sand and watched the sun dancing on the water as the ocean threatened my body with water. The sunshine felt good on my body.

  Sydney was my sunshine. She always warmed me up.

  Colin was pissed off at me.

  I don’t push him away. Not always. And not on purpose. I don’t mean to. I love Colin like a brother and I’ve shared more with him than anyone in my life. And Matt.

  I finally told them about my scar. He and Matt were curious for years. They got what they wanted to know.

  Victor. Matt got what he fucking wanted with that, but Colin defended me. He stood up to Matt.

  Why is he so mad at me?

  Paul. Was Colin angry because I had blood on my hands?

  The longer I sat there I came to the conclusion that he’s mad at me because of Victor. Did he think I wanted it because like a fucking moron I consented to it? I was intoxicated, but that doesn’t excuse me or my consent. I deserved it and that’s on me.

  Oh fuck…he’s going to take Sydney away from me when we get back to Vegas. I wasn’t holding up my end of the stick. He wouldn’t even let me take care of her last night. He probably didn’t want me to fuck it up, especially since I fucked her hard. He probably figured she’d be better off without me doing the aftercare.

  No, I can’t lose Sydney. I love her and I’d do anything for her. How can Colin think that I wouldn’t? I’d do anything for Colin and Matt too. Always. They were everything to me and now I’m going to lose them too. I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m going to lose everything because of what happened with Victor.

  I stood up and even though I was a bit dizzy, I took off in a sprint. While running I thought of what I needed to do and prayed it would make the difference. I ran as hard as I could until my feet got tripped up by more water crashing on the shore. Not realizing how close to the water I had been running, I fell and landed flat on my face on the wet sand. I had no energy left and just stayed there, gasping for air. I rolled over and lay on my back, holding my chest. The ocean won and laughed at me as the water thrashed against my body. My chest ached, my heart was pounding and my stomach was killing me. I was seeing blurry again. I was about to fucking cry. No one was around so I felt safe enough to just cry and let it out. God knows it was built up in me. I cried while lying in the sand as the water surrounded me every few seconds. I propped myself up on my elbows and I cried until I couldn't stand the water beating on me anymore. And the crying only made my stomach hurt worse.

  I picked myself up and sat on the dry sand away from the water. I pulled the damp notebook and pen out of my zippered back pocket and flipped it open to a blank page and began writing. I didn’t hold anything back. Writing caused my mind to drift heavily but I eventually got out what I felt I needed to.

  Scars.

  More fucking scars to remind me of all the pain in my life.

  I feel responsible for every one of them.

  When I look in the mirror it’s all I see.

  And I also feel betrayed.

  Fuck Colin, sometimes I hate you for being stronger than me. And it tears me up inside

  because you are my best friend. More than that, my brother. But he sees me as weak

  because I wanted, no needed, to feel pain from that asshole who I paid to top me.


  I don’t know what to do.

  Or to think.

  When I see you both together I don’t feel connected anymore…

  I took a slow, deep breath and coughed hard. Turning the page, I began my note to Colin that I hoped would make all the difference. I didn’t have to spend too much time thinking about it because it all has been running around in my mind for so long. Satisfied with it, I put the notebook back in my pocket.

  I stood and turned to face the direction of Colin’s. The beach house was nowhere in sight. I looked up at the sun hoping to see if I could tell how much it’s moved since I came out to run.

  “Fuck me,” I said out loud. I had no idea what time it was. I wasn’t a boy scout. I couldn’t tell the time by looking at the fucking sun. What the fuck could I do?

  I began walking back towards Colin’s. It’d pop up eventually.

  “I can make her smile.”

  Chapter 69

  Sunday, March 2nd

  Colin

  And out the door he goes again. If he had hung around after the shit I said to him, I would have been surprised. I had a terrible dream early this morning that Anthony and I were arguing over what Sydney could or couldn’t handle. In my dream, he accused me of pushing her too hard too fast. And now, I worried that maybe there was some truth to it. Obviously bothered by that dream, I took it out on him.

  I gave Sydney’s hand a pat as she smiled at the pancake face that Anthony made for her in the midst of dealing with old shit that I threw at him and dealing with that cough, which I think I effectively made him feel guilty for having.

  “Are you and Anthony fighting?”

  “No, baby.”

  “Are you mad at Anthony?”

  “No, baby. I’m not.”

  “Is Anthony mad at you?”

  “Probably.”

  With each passing question, I could see the worry in her eyes increase.