How to Marry an Alien

by Magan Vernon

  Papa Don't Preach sang from my phone. I pulled it out of my messenger bag while I walked from the library back to my dorm.

  "Hey, Dad."

  I spent my afternoons going over homework for my online class in the library. That way I actually followed the class instead of thinking about how many more aliens I could run into on campus.

  "Hey, Alex, how was your first official week as a college student?"

  "You know, the same as everyone else's I'm sure. There were long classes, lots of homework, oh and alien teachers giving me special treatment." I made sure no one else was around when I said the last part. Not that there were a lot of people on campus in the summer, but all it took was one person to hear it.

  "I did hear something about Proji teaching there. She isn't bothering you too much, is she?" dad asked.

  I sighed, moving my phone to the other ear. "No, it's just all the other beings around here are treating me like I'm sort of a celebrity. I'm not. I'm just a regular student like anyone else around."

  "I hate to break it to you, but to them you are much more. This is the first time in almost a century that there has been a royal alien engagement and probably even longer since it has been a Caltian prince," dad said matter-of-factly.

  "So now I'm, like, the Princess Diana of the alien world?"

  "Pretty much," dad responded. "But you knew that when you got in to all of this. If you would like to back out now, I'm sure that we could talk to Nerses and see about renegotiating the treaty."

  "Oh, whoa, no. I did not say that at all. I definitely want to marry Ace." I shook my head, even though I knew he couldn't see it. "It's just a lot to take in."

  Dad let out a deep breath that made a crackling sound on the other end of the phone. "If there is anyone that can live with all of this alien attention, it's you. You've been through more than any other human girl I know, with the alien world, and you've survived. You will be fine."

  "Thanks, Dad." I smiled. "I needed that."

  ***

  When I got back to my room, Lucy was sitting on her bed with Riley next to her. Lucy's laptop was on the bed in front of them and they were staring at it, laughing like two hyenas.

  "What's so funny?" I tilted my head and dropped my messenger bag on my desk chair before kicking off my heels.

  Riley glanced up at me, and then looked back to the screen. "There is this group of kids who call themselves the Alien Alliance of Northern Illinois, and they have all these videos talking about how aliens invaded their dreams and forced them to do things."

  No. It couldn't be. It had to be someone else. There was no way it could be. In a few short steps, I walked from my bed and over to Lucy's. Right there on the computer screen was Brody, Gemma, and Rachel from my high school. Crap.

  Gemma's raspy voice carried through the speakers. "I had a scholarship to University of Illinois. I could have been the next college rugby star. Then I had this crazy dream and ended up sleep walking and falling down the stairs. I never dream or sleep walk."

  I could never forget that. Simone had walked me through that dream. At the time I didn't realize it was because Simone was actually an evil Caltian who was promised to Ace and was trying to destroy me by invading people's dreams around me. It wasn't until she attacked me and Ace at Cuppa Java, where we worked, that I realized she was the one sleep creeping everyone. I thought Circe took care of everything when they locked her up. Obviously they hadn't.

  Lucy looked at me. "These kids have a whole video blog series about how some evil alien woman used to show up in their dreams and make all of these crazy things happen in their lives. They say that once she left town they stopped and now they have been putting out all these stories about what happened and trying to see if anyone else has had the same experience. It's hilarious!"

  Riley peered over at me. "Can you imagine? These kids have nothing better to do than make up alien stories. Don't you think if there was alien life out there that they would have something better to do than invading the dreams of some small-town kids?"

  "Ha, yeah, hilarious." I forced a nervous laugh.

  Lucy turned off the video and closed her laptop. "But enough about crazy small town kids, let's just focus on my small town roommate. How was the Dustin Hoffman speech? Did you seduce the class with your knowledge of all things Tootsie?"

  "Er…something like that. I'll be lucky if I pass this assignment. Hopefully the persuasive speech will go better," I replied, unbuttoning my blouse and throwing it on the bed so I only wore the camisole underneath.

  "You aren't bothered to have two lesbians sitting in your bedroom while you undress?" Riley asked, arching one of her too thin eyebrows.

  I shook my head. "No, why would I be?"

  "It's just funny. When I came out of the closet even my sister and best friend didn't want to be near me in the locker room at the gym for fear I might check them out. But you just undress in front of us like it's no big deal." Riley smiled.

  I shrugged. "It really isn't a big deal. If you two want to check me out in all my chubby glory, then go ahead."

  And it was true. I wasn't going to get fully stripped down in front of them, but I wasn't worried in the slightest about either one of them hitting on me or checking me out. If they wanted to do it, more power to them. I could have bragging rights that lesbians and aliens found me sexy. I didn't fear that they were going to put the moves on me, and if they did, I would be more worried about what Ace would do to them than anything else.

  "Can you stop hitting on my roommate now?" Lucy turned to Riley, pressing her nose against hers and nuzzling it.

  "Jealous? First we have dinner together, and now she is stripping for me." Riley kept her eyes focused on Lucy. I'd never heard her so playful.

  "Sometimes, I don't know why I like you so much." Lucy smiled, keeping her nose pressed against Riley's. I had to quickly turn away, feeling like I was interrupting some private moment.

  Thank God Jen's ringtone rang over my phone, and I could pick it up to focus on something else. "Hey, lady."

  "Hey, are you busy?"

  I glanced back to the nuzzling couple on the bed and then turned fully the other way. "Nope, not at all. What's up?"

  "I thought if you were free you might want to check out the sights of Arizona and go hiking with me, Malcolm, and Justin."

  I hadn't really hung out with them since the internship, and even then a lot of my time revolved around Ace. It couldn't hurt to get off campus for awhile, and I was pretty sure a sock would soon end up on the door of my room, so it was probably best to leave.

  "Sure, I'd love to. Just let me get changed," I said.

  "Awesome," Jen replied. "I'll be there to pick you up soon."

  ***

  Between the car accident, classes, and worrying about Ace, I really didn't get to see much of the area surrounding campus, and it was beautiful. I didn't have the skyscrapers that I would have walked along and viewed every day around Columbia, but the mountain range more than made up for that.

  "I didn't take you for much of a hiking girl." Malcolm looked back at me from his spot in the front seat.

  Instead of taking Jen's small car, they took out one of the Circe Jeeps. It was better for off-roading and nothing like the SUV that I crashed. A lot more durable. Surely we would survive a deer and a guardrail, and maybe even an alien attack. I was sure Circe vehicles were made to protect people from those.

  "There are a lot of things that I do that you don't know about. Like that I love to dissect aliens while they are sleeping." I adjusted my glasses and let out a hint of a smile.

  "Oh, so, that's your real interest in Ace." Justin playfully batted my arm from the seat next to me.

  "Why else would I hang out with him so much? It's obviously not about how well we get along or that he proposed. It's all about the research." I laughed.

  "Sure it is." Jen glanced at me in the rearview mirror. "Research in his pants."

  "Hey now!" I laughed and the rest of the car joined i
n.

  We headed east toward Walnut Canyon. To the locals and humans it was known for its hundreds of years of geology and beautiful cliff dwellings. To aliens it was one of their favorite locations to land, undetected, and explore Earth.

  "So is this a work trip that you all are taking me on or do you actually want to hang out with me?" I asked, making my way up a very steep trail.

  Justin took my hand and helped to pull me closer to the top where Jen and Malcolm were busy talking in a language I could not understand to three giant purple aliens, who had just landed a few minutes before.

  "You aren't the only one that is more comfortable hanging around aliens than humans," Justin responded letting go of my hand as we walked over to the rest of the group.

  Jen put an arm around me, pulling me into the circle she had made with Malcolm and the aliens. "Hobbes, Locke, Tao, this is Alex, the future princess of Calta."

  The purple creatures' giant bug-like eyes grew at least twice their size while a collective 'oh' escaped their mouths.

  "It is a pleasure to meet you. Will you sign my gleep?" One of the creatures said in a voice that sounded like a cartoon mouse. It stepped forward and unzipped its black suit, revealing purple, scaly skin.

  "Uh, sure I guess I can do that." I looked up at Jen who just shrugged.

  The alien pulled a green blob that looked like Play-Doh out of the suit and thrust it at me.

  "Uh, is this your gleep?" I looked back up at the alien.

  It shook its head up and down enthusiastically. "Yes, yes, please make it out to Locke from the princess of Calta."

  "Okay then." Jen handed me a pen and I managed to carve the message into the gleep.

  I handed it back to Locke and it squealed with delight. "Thank you, thank you! You are the kindest future princess I have ever met!"

  "Have you ever actually met another princess or future one at that?" one of the other aliens asked.

  "No…" Locke put its head down.

  "It's alright." I put my hand on Locke's shoulder. Its skin felt like sand paper beneath my fingers. "You are the first Locke I've ever met, and I will always remember that."

  He looked back up and beamed at me with tiny, pointed teeth. "You really are the kindest future princess!"

  "Okay, Locke, come on. We need to get back to our exploration and leave these humans alone." One of the other aliens came and put its hand on Locke's back. I took that as my cue to remove my hand and step back.

  "Okay, mummy." He waved his tiny hand in the air. "Bye, Princess, thanks!"

  I waved back before they disappeared through the tiny trees that dotted the landscape.

  "Man, what am I going to do now that I have to compete with the celebrity of a future princess? Aliens used to always come up to me and ask if they could touch my brown skin, but now, I've got some competition!" Malcolm laughed, crossing his arms over his chest.

  "You all are too much! It's really not that big of a deal." I looked down, kicking a rock with my boot.

  "Not a big deal?" Justin took a step forward so he was closer to me. "This is the first time a human and alien have publicly announced they were together. In the alien world, this is the biggest deal possible."

  I made a circle in the rocks with my foot. I never thought of it that way. I knew it was a big step when we took the plunge and started dating and even more so when we got engaged, but I never imagined I'd have people asking for my autograph.

  "Hey, leave her be." Jen put an arm around my shoulder, pulling me against her Amazon body, her long blond hair brushed at my arms. "She's not a princess yet, so she can just enjoy whatever life throws at her until then."

  Yeah, whatever life threw at me: attempts on my life by humans and aliens alike, sleep creeping, and now celebrity status. My life would never be normal again.

  Chapter 18

  Saturday, a day for freedom. I didn't have to wake up early for classes and could finally just relax. Or so I thought.

  "Wake up, sleepy head!"

  A jolt of pressure pushed down on my stomach until I opened my eyes to see Riley and Lucy staring down at me. When I did my internship with Riley, she was anything but a morning person. She always slept with a face mask on and headphones in her ears. Now she was already dressed with her makeup on and hair done, just smiling away at me.

  "What time is it?" I asked, sliding my glasses on from their spot near the nightstand I shared with Lucy. If you could call it a nightstand; it was more of an old wooden bench between our beds that Lucy found and painted purple to put our lamps and other nighttime essentials on.

  "Eight, which means we still have time to go and get some vegan French toast from downstairs." Lucy beamed and climbed off my bed, while Riley still sat on the edge.

  "How about you just bring me one back?" I asked, rolling over to my side.

  "Come on, Alex. It will be a roommate date," Lucy begged.

  "Roommate-and-her-crazy-girlfriend-who-wake-me-up-early date," I retorted.

  Riley crept up the bed and turned me back over. "Come on, just this one time. I told Lucy we had to include you in our Saturday morning ritual."

  I sat up, adjusting my glasses. Could this be true? The old Riley would have never said that. She usually tried to avoid hanging out with me at all costs. When I started dating Ace she even kicked me off our usual intern lunch table.

  "I think you've become my girlfriend's other girlfriend." Lucy laughed. She was definitely not the jealous type.

  "Ugh, fine," I moaned, tossing the comforter off me and stepping out of bed.

  "Success!" Riley pumped her fists in the air.

  If someone would have told me at the beginning of that summer that I would be spending my Saturday mornings having breakfast with my roommate and her girlfriend, I would have never believed them. But my summers had a way of doing that, teaching me things that I never thought possible.

  ***

  "So what's on the agenda for this weekend, are we going bowling or what?" Riley asked between mouthfuls of French toast. How the heck anyone could even make vegan French toast was still beyond me. The whole recipe of French toast included all things dairy and egg-like.

  The dining hall was pretty empty, save for the three of us sitting in a corner booth. I was still in my pajamas and while the other girls waited forever for their specialty made food I just chowed down on my usual cereal and mug of coffee.

  "We could go bowling. I'm down with that." Lucy looked over at me. "Unless there is something you would rather do, Alex. Or do you have plans with Ace?"

  "He could always join us! Double date fun!" Riley practically yelled.

  I swirled my cereal in the bowl. "I haven't talked to Ace yet this morning. Not sure if anything is going on."

  No matter how much Riley had changed, I still had no desire to go to the bowling alley with her and I was afraid of what Ace had planned with hooking Monte and Lucy up.

  "I'm sure if you would rather hang out with him than us, Riley will live." Lucy elbowed me in the side.

  "No, I will not. What am I going to do without my second girlfriend?" Riley laughed.

  "I'm sure you'll survive." Lucy looked over at Riley and placed her hand on top of hers. Everything they did always seemed so intimate, like I was interrupting a private moment.

  "I do have to do some research in the lab this afternoon, so I guess I can make it a few hours if you all have something planned." Riley let out a big sarcastic sigh.

  "Maybe we can catch a movie or head out to a mall. There are a few of them within driving distance. What do you say, Alex?" Lucy looked over at me again, her hand still on Riley's.

  "Whatever, I'm fine with anything." I took a big spoonful of cereal and popped it in my mouth. I didn't care so much about an afternoon without Riley, but I wondered what Ace would have planned if he knew that Lucy was without her.

  ***

  There was only one mall within about an hour of my house back in Winnebago. From campus there were at least five of them, including
strip malls, so I couldn't resist it when Lucy offered me a study break to go shopping.

  I texted Ace to say we would be shopping if he wanted to hang out later, but wasn't expecting anything to come of it. Lucy dragged me into a few different stores and made me smell every soy candle she could find. After a few sneezing fits she gave up on trying to make me smell everything and we window shopped for awhile.

  "So where should we go next? Want to go try on prom dresses and take pictures to post online?" Lucy wiggled her eyebrows.

  Last time I went dress shopping with a friend was Simone, at least I thought we were friends. When someone tries to kill me, usually that takes out the friendship aspect. I wasn't in the mood to go through that experience again.

  "Naw, not in the mood to squeeze these hips into something that is made just for the mannequin," I said.

  "I hear you there." Lucy smiled with a little skip in her step. "Try being the girl with the big nose and ears. I can never find hats to fit over my elf ears, and when I do, it just makes my nose stick out even more."

  I shook my head. "Oh please, your nose and ears aren't that bad."

  Lucy laughed. "I'm just lucky I'm dating a girl that is into elves."

  "So speaking of Riley, how did you two start dating if neither of you had actually ever dated a girl before?" I asked. I didn't know if I stepped a boundary, but figured I should put it out there.

  Lucy shrugged. "It just kind of happened. I don't know. We started out as friends, even though I always felt I had a hint of an attraction to her. Then the more we talked and the more we spent time together it just grew into something more."

  That was the same way it started out with Ace. I was always attracted to him. Who wouldn't be attracted to someone who saved their life? But we were just friends and co-workers until I realized that maybe my feelings were something more and his ended up being the same.