Apparently he’d been wrong. She still had the ability to gut him with her words—and he still had no idea how to fix it.
He wanted to say more. He searched his head for the words, but nothing would come. He knew from experience that there was no way to fix this. It wasn’t as simple as a few words, a new understanding. It was complex and had deep roots that he’d never been able to dislodge.
“It’s late. We should get a taxi,” he said.
Ivy didn’t look at him, and his heart kicked with fresh pain. Tell her she was enough for you, idiot.
But he couldn’t seem to do it. The words would sound hollow and she would know it. No matter how much he meant them, she wouldn’t believe.
Dane flagged a taxi on the main street and helped Ivy inside. Rather than shut the door and go around, he made her scoot over. He wasn’t taking any chances with leaving her alone and walking around to the other side, even though no one had followed them from the dock. He’d already fucked up enough tonight, and he had to get his head back in the game.
The ride to the resort didn’t take long. They didn’t speak along the way. Ivy turned her head and looked out the window, shutting him out. Dane clenched his hand into a fist and rhythmically thumped his leg.
This whole evening was a clusterfuck. What had he been thinking anyway? Taking her like that in an alley where anyone could stumble upon them? Where they could have been caught unaware by an assailant?
He hadn’t done the best job of protecting her then, had he?
All he’d meant to do was kiss her, but he should have known it wouldn’t end there. It couldn’t. When he and Ivy touched, the world faded. It had always been that way. He’d have thought he knew better by now, but in truth he was still pretty stunned that all he had to do was touch her and he lost his head.
He’d thought he had it under control in the bar. He’d touched and teased because he could, because he’d wanted to make her acknowledge there was still heat between them. He’d told her they were like a fireworks factory, but he’d known the whole time that he had control of the matches.
Huh, some control. He’d gotten just as burned as she had. And he’d forgotten everything while he’d done it—her safety, the mission, his career.
He paid the driver and they got out at the resort’s main building. It was nearly one o’clock in the morning, but there were still people at the open-air bar. Dane put his hand on the small of Ivy’s back and steered her down the path toward their bungalow. He didn’t miss the way she flinched when his fingertips grazed her.
He scanned their surroundings, but nothing was out of place. When they reached the bungalow, he went in first and did his check, then retrieved her from the porch. She looked annoyed, but he wasn’t sure if it was because he’d made her stand outside or because of everything that had happened in the alley.
He didn’t know how to fix that, but he knew he couldn’t keep avoiding it.
He stood with his hands shoved in his jeans pockets and watched her. She set her purse down and finally looked up at him.
Her green eyes drew him in like always. He’d never been so affected by a woman in his life as he had Ivy.
“Say something, Ivy.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”
“Did you ever regret what happened between us and wish it had been different?”
He thought she might not answer, but then she tipped her chin up. “All the time. I threw myself into work, hoping it would ease the ache of your being gone. And it did, after a time.”
He blew out a breath. “Did you really think I wanted to join the SEALs because you weren’t enough for me? That I was trying to get away from you?”
Her head bowed as she fiddled with the neckline of her dress, straightening it even though it didn’t need to be. “I was prepared for you to join the Navy. You’d told me that was your plan. And yes, that terrified me because my father was in the Navy and he got addicted to being at sea. But the SEALs…”
She closed her eyes for a moment. When she looked at him again, her eyes glittered. It took him a moment to realize those were tears.
“I knew I would lose you to the adrenaline rush of being a SEAL. I wasn’t wrong.”
“That’s not how it happened,” he growled in frustration. “You gave me an ultimatum.”
“And you chose the SEALs over me.”
He swore. Explosively. “Do you really think ultimatums are how relationships work, Ivy? Or should work? What if I’d said it was me or the DEA? What then?”
She put her hand to her forehead, covered her eyes. Then she dropped it again and stared at him. “I think the point is that what we wanted from each other and what we wanted from life was different. It was never going to work out, Dane. Maybe it’s good we realized that early.”
“Jesus H. Christ, Ivy—that’s bullshit and you know it. It’s an excuse because you don’t like messy emotions. You’ve spent your life avoiding being close to anyone. Thinking that if you hold a part of yourself separate you can survive it when they leave you.”
She blinked. And then her face reddened. “And how are you any different? You were raised by emotionally distant parents. Because of them, you don’t trust that anyone can really love you or care what happens to you.”
It was his turn to blink. Anger welled up inside him, fresh and hot. It was always like this with Ivy. She knew right where to hit him, how to bring him to his emotional knees. Yeah, he came from a “perfect” home—the kind of home where his father was the king of everything and his mother was the model officer’s wife. He’d had to be the perfect kid—get the best grades, play all the sports, excel at every fucking thing he ever did, be polite to everyone—but no matter how hard he worked, how hard he tried, his mother patted him on the head and sent him on his way. She didn’t hug him or tell him she loved him. He couldn’t ever remember that from when he’d been a kid. By the time he’d been a teenager, he hadn’t cared anymore.
And his father—yeah, best not to even go there. His father was married to his work. A stranger who exerted military discipline at home and expected there to be no drama. Ever. Love? Dane wasn’t even sure his father knew what that word meant.
Dane sighed and rubbed his forehead. They’d never gotten anywhere by bringing up the same old shit. “If you could do our relationship over, what would you do differently?”
Her eyes were sad. “I wouldn’t have danced with you in the first place.”
Pain wrapped around his heart and squeezed. Then he laughed. “I should have known that’s what you would say.”
“It would have saved us both a lot of pain, don’t you think?”
“Maybe so. But then we wouldn’t know what it was like to love someone so much it hurt either.” He sucked in a breath. “Maybe you’re right about me and I do find it hard to trust—but I don’t regret trying with you, Ivy. What would I do differently? I’d have chosen you when you gave me that ultimatum.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Ivy was a trembling mess as she got ready for bed. She wasn’t scared and she wasn’t mad. But she was jumpy as hell, and every bit of it was because of the man in the next room.
He’d yanked the rug right out from under her feet with his declaration that he wouldn’t have left if he had it to do over again. Remarkably, she also felt a strong current of shame at his announcement.
Because he was right that relationships weren’t built on ultimatums. She’d been wrong to say that to him, but she’d been so scared and had tried whatever she could think of to make him stay. All she could remember was her mother crying as her father packed his stuff and left for the last time. Her mother had begged, said she would do anything, but he’d pushed her away and told her it was over.
Ivy knew that begging didn’t work. So she’d done something reckless—and her recklessness had cost her every bit as much as begging would have.
When he’d asked tonight what she would have done differently, all she could t
hink was that she could have avoided the pain of a relationship with Dane by rejecting his advance in the first place.
That shamed her too, especially considering how profound what he’d said had been. She put her head in her hands and concentrated on breathing. In, out. In, out. Slowly. If she concentrated, maybe she could stop her heart from racing and her blood from pounding in her veins.
When it didn’t work, when turning off the lights and crawling into bed didn’t work, she threw off the covers and padded over to the sliding glass doors that opened onto a secluded patio. She couldn’t see the ocean from here, but she could hear it and smell it. Maybe it would soothe her enough that she could go to sleep.
Ivy went outside and stood on the edge of the patio, smelling the salt and dampness. It was humid, but she didn’t care. She was wearing a long T-shirt—one of Dane’s old shirts, in fact—and a pair of panties, which was about as close to naked as she could get for being outdoors.
“You shouldn’t be outside.”
Ivy jumped at the sound of a male voice—but it was Dane, so she didn’t panic. He stood in his open doorway and watched her. She hadn’t heard him slide the door back.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
He sighed. “Me either. I heard your door open.”
“You wanted to know what I would do differently,” she blurted, her heart racing like mad. “I wouldn’t give you an ultimatum. I would trust that everything would be okay. And if it wasn’t, then at least we tried.”
He stepped outside. He wasn’t wearing anything except a pair of dark shorts. The meager light caressed the smooth bumps and planes of his chest, outlining how perfect he was. They’d had sex in an alley, but she hadn’t seen his naked chest. Or any part of him, come to think of it. The whole thing had been so frantic and out of control that they’d only bared the essential parts.
She wanted to explore him. Wanted to lick a trail down the center of his body until she could take his cock in her mouth and taste him again.
It was a surprising desire considering how emotionally shattered she’d felt after their recent encounter.
Physically, however, she hadn’t felt that good in ages. And she was shocked to learn that she wanted more.
He smiled at her then. A soft, sad smile that made her heart ache.
“Thanks for saying that, Ivy.”
It hit her that he thought she was saying it out of a sense of guilt or something. “I mean it, Dane. I… I didn’t respond the way I should have the first time. Because you’re right that I hold back to protect myself. It’s an old habit, and it’s not easy to break.”
He cocked his head as if considering. “Thanks,” he said softly. “I know that wasn’t easy for you.”
She wrapped her arms around herself as a chill washed over her. It wasn’t from the outdoors, but from the emotions that always raged between them when they were in the same room together.
“No, it wasn’t. But I know I need to acknowledge what’s broken before I can fix it.”
“You did good tonight, Ivy. On the dock, I mean. I think you’re probably a hell of a DEA agent.”
“Thank you.” She could feel the heat of his compliment in the tips of her ears. “All I want is to make a difference. To stop others from suffering from the drug trade.”
“I think you’ve made a difference. You may never know some of the people you’ve helped, but their lives are better because of you and Ace.”
Her throat tightened. “I hope so.”
“Do you think you can sleep now?”
“Not really. But I’ll go back inside since I know you won’t go in until I do.”
“That’s right, honey.”
She walked over to the sliding glass door and opened it. Then she stopped and looked at him. She could go to bed alone, and that was probably what she should do—but her heart hurt and her emotions boiled and she needed connection with someone. With Dane.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to keep me safe if we were in the same room together?”
She could feel the tension rolling from him. “Are you sure about that?”
“Would I have said it if I wasn’t?”
“Ivy, I don’t know fuck all about what you would do anymore. Maybe you want to torture me and you’ll lock your door in my face before I get there. Maybe you’ll insist you meant I have to sleep on the floor beside your bed. I honestly have no clue.”
“Until tonight, I haven’t had sex in over a year. I forgot how much I missed it.”
She thought he growled. “You know something? I really don’t like hearing about you having sex with someone else. It makes me want to hit something. Hard.”
“I didn’t give you details.”
He took a step toward her. “If you’ve had sex in less than four and a half years, it’s been with someone else. And yeah, that makes me crazy.”
“Like you’ve been celibate.”
“Nope.”
Ivy shook her head even as jealousy bloomed in her soul. “We’re losing the thread of the conversation here.”
“No, we definitely aren’t. You want to have sex with me because you’re feeling deprived. I heard you loud and clear.”
Electricity popped beneath her skin. “Is that a problem?”
He laughed low and deep. “It should be… but, no. Not at all.”
Her belly tumbled and her pussy tightened. “Well… Good.” She stepped into her room. “I’ll be waiting for you.”
The look he gave her singed her. “If you change your mind before I get there, lock your door. Because if the door isn’t locked, Ivy—you’re mine. All night long.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
He didn’t take long to secure the doors and windows. Ivy was kneeling on the bed, her heart pounding, when the door to her room opened. Dane was silhouetted against the light coming from the microwave clock. Butterflies soared in her stomach.
Why? It wasn’t the first time they’d had sex, and she had no reason to be afraid. Except she felt vulnerable in a way she hadn’t before, and she couldn’t seem to make that feeling go away.
The sensible thing to do would be to send him away. But she couldn’t. If she could have done that, she’d have never opened her mouth to ask him to stay with her in the first place.
Ivy very much feared she was still somewhat enamored of him in spite of the pain of the past. He was here, and for a short time he could be hers again—and she desired it with every cell of her body.
He came inside and walked over to the bed. Then he reached for her shirt and tugged it up and over her head, tossing it aside. She wore nothing underneath, and cool air slipped over her skin.
“That’s one of my old shirts, isn’t it?” His voice was a low rumble that vibrated through her.
“Yes,” she whispered. She’d slept in the thing for years now, rotating it with two others he’d left behind. They’d long since ceased to smell like him, but they were soft and huge on her. And she knew they were his even if they no longer carried his scent.
He palmed her bare breast and she gasped a little. “I can’t begin to tell you how excited that makes me, knowing you’ve slept in my shirt for all these years. Did you ever touch yourself and think of me, Ivy?”
His thumb scraped over her nipple and she bit her lip. Her pussy was so wet that her juices would drip down her thighs at any minute. “Yes. All the time.”
“I’d ask you to show me, but I think I’d be jealous of your fingers for getting to touch your sweet pussy.”
“Then you touch me.”
“Oh, I intend to.” He lowered his head and took her swollen nipple between his lips.
Ivy threw her head back and moaned. “Dane—oh.”
He sucked hard, tweaking her other nipple with his thumb and forefinger as he did so. Her legs trembled and her back arched as she tried to press her breast farther into his mouth.
He slid a hand down her belly, over her hip, and then skimmed the hairline of her pubic curls. She wanted him to touch her
so badly it hurt.
He didn’t at first, his fingers dancing lightly over her labia and then down her left thigh.
“So wet,” he said against her nipple.
“You haven’t even touched me yet. How do you know?”
“I can feel your heat, Ivy. You’re practically burning up with need.”
This time, he slid his fingers into the seam of her sex. When he stroked across her clit, she nearly came undone. How could she be so excited when it had only been a couple of hours ago that they’d had sex in the alley?
“Do you have any idea how hard it makes me that you’re this excited for me?”
“I hope you’ll show me. Soon.”
He laughed. “I will… but first I need to taste you, Ivy. Lie down and spread those pretty legs.”
Ivy did as he said, lying back on the bed and opening her legs. Dane eased between them, putting his arms beneath her thighs and lifting her higher until his mouth hovered right over the place she wanted him to touch so badly.
“I’ve missed this,” he said, and then he dropped his head and slid his tongue into her slit.
Ivy cried out. Her clit was swollen and aching, and when he traced his tongue around it, she thought she might come out of her skin.
“You’re exactly like I remember. Velvety soft, sweet.”
Ivy reached down and threaded her fingers through his hair. She arched her hips up to meet his mouth, riding against the smoothness of his tongue and the roughness of the stubble on his face.
The combination was enough to send her rocketing over the edge into a screaming orgasm that shook her with its power. When she came back to herself enough to open her eyes and look at him, he was watching her with one arched eyebrow.
“Good?”
“What do you think?”
“I think you need another to make sure.”
“No, not yet,” she gasped. She was still too sensitive, and she clutched at him as he dropped his head. But he didn’t stop. He licked her mercilessly until her body caught fire again. It didn’t take long. Soon she arched her back and cried for more—begged for more—until the pressure inside her crested and she came with a sharp, shuddering cry.
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