Amy shrugged, pressing her fingers on the paper in front of her and turning it. She watched the picture of the chair go around and around and around. “He hasn’t said anything, but I suspect he’s gotten over it. Tim doesn’t hold grudges.”
“No.” Judd grinned again. “It still makes me laugh to see those two go at each other over a pair of chairs that you or I could have made them for one-twentieth of the price.” He shook his head, remembering. “I don’t know why Tim didn’t buy them. I would have given him the money back.”
Amy said nothing, only spun the paper faster.
“Why do you suppose Paul bought that stuff?” Judd leaned forward, suddenly serious. “I got the idea he was trying to tell you something.”
Amy still gave no answer, her breath catching as she remembered the entreaty in his eyes, the feel of his hands on her arms only moments ago.
“I heard he sold his business in Vancouver,” Judd continued. “I heard he and his dad are looking to buy the Kincaid place.”
“Yes. He told me that he’s moved here for good.”
“When did he tell you that?”
Amy rubbed her eyes with her fingertips, hoping to erase the memory of his words and what they meant. “Just this afternoon, at his parents’ place.”
“That will make things interesting.”
Amy dropped her hands. Judd’s arms were crossed over his chest as he stared past her, out of the window. “A couple of months ago, I would have challenged you on that statement, asked what you meant by that. You used to dislike Paul and his father. But now, after knowing Fred has been visiting you and you’ve been enjoying his visits, I know you mean different, don’t you?”
Judd shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “I used to be jealous of the Hendersons, that much is true. Rick has never liked Paul and made no secret of it, although I suspect that’s over now, as well. I made some mistakes about their family, and I’ve jumped to wrong conclusions about Fred and Noreen.”
Amy took a steadying breath. “Elizabeth hinted that you had something to tell me about Mom. If that’s so, I need to know before I spend a few days with her.”
Judd nodded. “Elizabeth is right.” He looked up at his daughter, his expression sorrowful. “I should have told you long ago, but the longer I waited, the harder it got.” He tapped his fingers against his arm as if thinking. “It’s still not easy.”
Amy sat back, sensing she was on the verge of something important. She refused to look at the clock, refused to think that Tim might be coming at any moment. Noreen’s visit and Elizabeth’s comments had raised too many questions. Amy felt, deep within her, that she needed to know the answers, soon. “Maybe not, Dad. But I need to know if there’s anything you’ve held back from me.”
Judd cleared his throat, as if getting rid of years of holding back. “I’m a hard man to live with. You know that.” He paused a moment, shrugging. “This is real hard for me, Amy. I’m not the blabbing type.” He fiddled with the papers in front of him, frowning.
Amy nodded. “I know that much, Dad.” She waited a moment, sensing that she might have to help him along. “Why did Mom dislike living here?”
Judd shook his head. “It wasn’t the romantic ranch she thought it would be. Animals stink and are ornery and machinery won’t work. Husbands get dirty and cranky. It’s lonely out here. And that was hard for her.”
“Didn’t she have any friends?”
“A few. But to visit them you need a vehicle, and we only had one truck at the time. I used it mostly. And when you and Rick came it was that much harder. I needed her help on the ranch. I had just started and was trying to work for extra wages at other ranches at the same time. She had never worked with animals before, or equipment. I wasn’t very patient with her. She stopped helping. When you were old enough I got you out there driving the tractor and mowing hay. Noreen hated it, but couldn’t say anything because she wouldn’t do it.”
“And your marriage…” Amy prompted.
“Was getting worse. We fought and bickered. She would go out and wouldn’t come home. I imagined the worst and then I found out I was right. She had been fooling around with some guy. I stayed up one night and confronted her. She told me, yes, she had been unfaithful but she wouldn’t say who with.” Judd laughed bitterly. “In my anger I thought, for many years, it was Fred Henderson. I was wrong about that, too.”
Judd paused, lost in the past, his face set in the same hard lines Amy remembered so well and hadn’t seen in a while.
“And then,” she prompted.
Judd sighed, crossing his arms across his chest, avoiding Amy’s eyes. “Then I told her to leave and not come back. She did. Then, a week later, I caught my foot in an auger at the place I worked and lost half of it. When I came out of the hospital, Noreen called. She wanted to come back. Said she was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. She wanted us to take marriage counseling and everything. I told her it was a bunch of bunk. Then I told her to leave us alone and not bother me or you kids again. Told her she didn’t deserve to see us.”
“Mom wanted to come back?” Amy sat back, stunned. This was the information Elizabeth had alluded to.
Judd nodded, then turned to Amy, anguish etched on his face. “I didn’t want her to come back because I was scared. If she couldn’t be faithful to a man with two good legs, how could she be faithful to a man with only one? I couldn’t take the chance.”
Amy didn’t reply. She held down her own hurt and let her father continue.
“The past year I’ve been praying for Noreen, you know that. I hope she can forgive me.” Judd stopped. Amy was shocked to see a tear slowly drift down his wrinkled cheek, her own emotions in conflict.
She could have had a mother, she thought, could have had a family if her father had been more forgiving.
“I’m an old tired man,” Judd continued. “I’ve made big mistakes.” He covered Amy’s hand with his own. “I’m sorry, Amy. I’ve wanted to tell you. The longer I waited the harder it became. I tried to fool myself that it didn’t matter, but I know it did.” He looked up at Amy. “Can you forgive me?”
Amy took her father’s hand, suddenly tired and worn-out. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Daddy?” she asked. All the struggling she had done, all the recriminations she had thrown against her absent mother now became as dust in the wind. Noreen had wanted to return, to make a family, to try again. “Why did you wait so long?”
“Pride.” He spoke the word softly, his tone showing her even more how far he had come. “I blamed God, Noreen and everyone else. I felt sorry for myself, and I lost interest in everything.”
“What made the difference?”
“Fred Henderson.”
Amy dropped her father’s hand, surprised at this piece of news.
“He’d phone once in a while,” Judd continued. “I’d hang up and he’d keep trying. He’d tell me that I had to let go of anger and bitterness. He didn’t even know I thought he was the one fooling around with Noreen. Told me I had a wonderful daughter and son and not to miss out on their life. He showed me that a relationship with God can change things.” He laughed lightly, reaching out to touch her once again. “It was more than my blood sugar that got balanced in the hospital.”
Amy looked into her father’s gray eyes, lined with wrinkles. His face had more color now, he spent more time outside in the sunshine.
Fred Henderson had helped bring about this change. She felt a burst of thankfulness followed by a feeling of bittersweet envy as she thought of what Paul offered her. It didn’t matter. Fred and Elizabeth would always be her other parents. That wouldn’t change once she was married.
But you won’t see them as much. Amy closed her eyes a moment. She shut that thought away and with it all the dreams of bringing her children over to the Hendersons’ on horseback, the plans she had made when she and Tim were going to live on the ranch. It hurt to think about that.
“Do you regret selling the ranch?” she asked, moving to other problems th
at needed discussing.
He bit his lip, looking sorrowfully at his daughter. “No. I’m sorry for you that Tim didn’t want to live out here. Things might have turned around, had I been a better manager. I knew Rick would never be interested and I never imagined you would. I wanted to tell you already back then not to bother, but I was so glad to still have my family around me that I didn’t want to discourage you.”
“And all along I thought you wanted to keep the ranch, wanted to stay here.”
Judd brushed his hand over her hair again. “I guess we should have talked more to each other.”
Amy nodded, thinking back to her mother, wondering what might have changed had she known that Noreen wanted to come back.
But it didn’t happen, and she still had a wedding to plan.
As she stood up, she saw the clock. While she felt as if time had stilled, in reality the minutes ticked relentlessly on and Tim would be here shortly. She bent over and kissed her father. “Thanks for telling me the truth, Dad. I have to go. Tim will be here in five minutes.”
She hesitated a moment, then turned and ran up the stairs, wishing for the second time that she could stay home instead of running around town finalizing wedding plans.
Tim came just as she finished running a brush through her hair.
She kissed her father goodbye. “I probably won’t see you until I get back from visiting Mom in Vancouver.” She straightened. “Watch your blood sugar, okay?”
“Yes, I will.” Judd caught her hand. “I’m sorry, Amy,” he whispered.
She only nodded, bent over to give him another quick kiss and left.
As she settled into Tim’s car, Judd’s words joined all the other thoughts that roiled around in her head. Her father’s revelation suddenly changed her own perception of her mother and therefore, herself. Her mother had made a mistake and had paid dearly for it because of her father’s self-righteousness. Her father’s idea of faithfulness had been true, but too ardently applied. There had been no room for mistakes.
Was her own notion of faithfulness also extreme?
She glanced over at Tim, remembering Elizabeth’s words and even more important, Paul’s. She’d spoken to her father as Elizabeth had encouraged her to do; now she needed to talk to Tim, to voice the questions that had been fed by Paul’s comments.
Tim however, was excited and full of plans and didn’t notice Amy’s reticence.
They stopped at the florist and double-checked the order of flowers for the church and the reception hall. Amy’s bouquet had been ordered the week before, as had Shannon’s. Red roses interspersed with pink lilies.
“I’d like to change that order,” Amy said quietly as the florist laid out the pictures.
Tim frowned at her, then shrugged. “Sure, honey. What do you want?”
“I prefer yellow roses and tiger lilies.” She turned to him, her voice matter-of-fact.
“But the wedding colors are red and white.”
“I don’t like red.”
“But my mother picked out the colors.”
Amy held her ground. Tim looked taken aback, tried once more, then took out his charge card and paid for the order. From there they checked on the hall and the decorations that Mrs. Enders ordered the week before, also in red. Amy changed them to peach and white.
The caterer needed a final count on how many people were coming. She laid a binder on the table. Across the top of the pages were written “Enders/Danyluk Wedding” and the date. Below that a brief menu.
“I thought the chicken cordon bleu would be a good entrée,” Mrs. Menzies flashed a conspiratorial grin at Amy. “Mrs. Enders recommended it.”
“Veal would be more reasonable,” Amy put in, emboldened by her success in the florist shop. “All those ranchers, you know.”
Tim and Mrs. Menzies exchanged surprised glances. Tim only nodded. They discussed entrées and desserts as Amy tried to imagine Mrs. Masterson trying to work her mouth around the names of the food, let alone her false teeth. And what would that dessert do to her father’s sugar levels?
“Do you have any preferences, Amy?”
“Well my first preference is ice cream in a cone,” she said succinctly, “but I’ll go with cheesecake and pie.”
“And the final tally on the guest list?” Mrs. Menzies asked.
“I don’t have a final count, yet,” Amy said, thinking of the returned envelopes piled up under the livestock manifest book. They had shipped the livestock just as the price came up. Rick had worked off the bill at Dilton’s. The payment from the Drozd boys was due to come. For the first time since she could remember, the bank account had a healthy balance.
“And have you decided on a cake? The bakery in town usually gives us a discount.” Mrs. Menzies looked up at them, handing Tim a photo album. “This will give you some idea of what’s available.”
“Do you want to have a look, Amy?”
Amy’s moment of rebelliousness ebbed. It seemed pointless. There were countless decisions that had already been made, and changing them all served no purpose. If she had wanted things done a certain way, she should have been more forceful from the start.
Except the Enderses were paying for everything, and that made it difficult to exercise control. She glanced disinterestedly at the pictures and let Tim choose.
“You must be excited.” Mrs. Menzies smiled at Amy. “Can I see your ring?”
Tim caught her hand and stretched it out for the caterer to see. Somehow it irritated her. Like she was a prize to be shown off.
I’ve never seen you as a possession, Amy. Paul’s words drifted down, catching up to her thoughts, making her grit her teeth in despair.
Why are you going through with this? Paul’s question wouldn’t leave her and spun its insidious web as they drove to the restaurant.
Once inside, Amy slipped off her coat and draped it over the back of her chair. They sat down, opened the menus, and Amy tried to concentrate.
“What do you want?” Tim asked, scanning the menu in front of him.
“I’ll have the baked chicken,” Amy said. As Tim ordered, she excused herself, got up and left for the washroom. Thankfully it was empty.
She fixed her lipstick with trembling fingers, examining herself in the mirror.
Okay, Danyluk, what were you doing today? She dropped the lipstick in her purse as she remembered Tim’s shocked look as she changed plans willy-nilly. She knew she should tell him why. But how to explain to him the sudden need to establish a foothold when she began to see his mother’s influence behind most every decision they had to make?
Closing her eyes she dropped her hot forehead against the cool mirror. Things were moving too fast. She wished she could have a few days on her own so she could absorb what had happened—what she had learned from her father, what Paul had told her. She wanted to sort out her own feelings. Her brief moment of rebelliousness was too little, too late. The very magnitude of the wedding would overwhelm her if she let it.
She didn’t want to think about weddings. She didn’t want to sit through yet another premarital class and talk about the importance of communication in a relationship when Tim had kept something as vital as his decision to accept a job in Vancouver from her.
She felt as if she was constantly twisting around trying to grasp the threads of her life and pull them into some kind of coherent mass. But she couldn’t see them all. She needed someone who understood her confusion, her fears, her needs. Someone who would just listen.
He’s here, Amy, he’s just waiting for you to finally, once and for all, finish struggling.
Amy left her head where it was, knowing what she had to do. In the fret and bother of life, yet again she had tried to fix it herself, to be strong on her own.
She closed her eyes and slowly, one by one laid all her burdens on the Lord.
To articulate her problems, to say them out loud, to pour out her heart to the One who knew and understood and cared more than anyone else fully relieved the weight s
he had been struggling under.
“Sorry, Lord,” she breathed raising her face to heaven.
“Sorry for trying to figure all this out myself. Someday I’ll learn, and once again, I’ll let go. You love me more than anyone, Your love is ever faithful.”
As she prayed, as she let go of each problem, she felt God’s peace flow through her. She felt as if gentle hands tugged on the strings of her life, untangling them for her, lifting burdens. Her heart slowly filled with praise, her clenched hands loosened and opened up to Him. She was allowed to take.
And she knew that she had to make one more decision.
She left the washroom feeling lighter, peace pervading her mind and lightening her step. She hesitated a moment when she saw Tim looking out the window.
A quick prayer encouraged her, and she slipped into the chair across from him.
He looked up at her, reached across the table and caught her hand.
“Okay, Amy. What’s wrong? You’ve been acting peculiar lately and I’m worried about you.” His dark brown eyes softened with love as he stroked her cool fingers. His hair was neatly brushed away from his face. He looked as handsome as when she had first fallen in love with him.
But it wasn’t enough anymore.
“I need to tell you—” She faltered, knowing that what she was going to say would hurt him, for she knew that Tim loved her. She took a steadying breath, trying to keep her eyes on his. “I can’t do this, Tim. I can’t marry you.”
His hold on her hands tightened, squeezing her ring. “What are you saying, Amy? What are you talking about?”
His stricken look cut her deeply. “I can’t marry you,” she repeated, looking away. “It would be a mistake.”
“Amy.” His voice broke, hurting her even more. “You can’t mean it. You’ve been under a lot of stress, I know that. I know it wasn’t easy giving up the ranch, but you know it’s the best thing.” He cupped her face, turning it toward him. “If you need time, we can wait. I’ll be willing to postpone the wedding.”
“It wouldn’t make any difference,” she said softly, pulling her hands out of his. “I’ve struggled with this, prayed about it. I’m sorry.”
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