by Louise Bay
Was I running? I felt the distance, but I was standing still. “I’m exactly where you left me.”
“I’m sorry. This will get better.”
“Get some sleep,” I said. Although it was the last thing I wanted to do, maybe for once in my life, walking away would be the right thing.
Thirty-Four
Jake
It felt weird to wake up on my own. Recently I’d either been with Haven or I’d woken to Beth crashing about outside my room, which at least meant I’d got an early start on my day.
I was going to make it up to Haven this weekend. Millie’s sister was back so hopefully I wouldn’t get any phone calls interrupting my time with Haven and we could just hang out together. Naked.
“I’ll take the Lombard Street one,” I said to the realtor. I’d seen three office spaces and was on my fourth. I didn’t want to spend any more time on this. I had enough to do. “You’re sure we can be in right away?” Eric was arriving from California this weekend.
“As soon as you sign the contract, I can give you the keys. If you get yourself a coffee next door, I’ll go and get the paperwork and we can go through it all now.”
“Great.” It felt as though I was making progress on the future, or the part of it I had any control over. If I started looking at new apartments with Haven, perhaps that would help me feel as though my personal life was on track, too.
My cell buzzed in my pocket. I couldn’t wait to tell Haven I’d found somewhere, but it was Millie. Tension pulled at my chest. I was irritated that she was calling and at the same time concerned something might be wrong. I accepted the call.
“Hey, Harry. Your baby kept me up all night.”
“I’m right in the middle of something. Is this urgent?” I needed to discourage her constant contact without making her feel abandoned.
“I wanted to see if you could come round to dinner tonight?”
“What do you mean?” Was she throwing a dinner party?
“I’m taking a cooking class and I thought you could be my guinea pig.”
“You are?” That didn’t sound like the Millie I knew.
“Yeah, I want to become more nurturing.”
“I have plans, I’m afraid. With Haven.”
“Oh, okay,” she said, quietly. I immediately felt bad.
Should I have considered dinner? I knew she was scared to be a single mother. Especially coming from her old-school family. She hadn’t said how her parents had reacted, but I guessed it couldn’t have been well. She needed my support, but there was only so much of me to go around. She had to understand that as a couple, we didn’t have a future. I was with Haven.
“I was trying to be nice, Harry.” She hung up.
Had I been too hard on her? Maybe she was trying to be nice. Just as I started to feel bad about our conversation, my phone rang again. Would she ever give up?
“What?” I snapped.
“Jesus, stress head. What did I do to you?” Beth asked, her familiar voice jolting me back into reality. I was a mess.
“Thank God it’s you. How are you? How’s Dad?”
“We’re all fine. But it sounds like you’re about to have a heart attack. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. Tell me about Chicago.”
Beth sounded excited as she talked about catching up with old friends and meeting new people at her AA meeting. I was relieved that she seemed okay.
“I’d forgotten how much I like this city. I think I had so many unhappy memories that they overshadowed the good stuff, but now the happy ones are starting to poke through again.”
“That’s great. And how are things with Marissa?”
“She’s a bit weird, and she wears way too much makeup, but she loves Dad, which I guess is all that matters.”
“I think she always loved him,” I said.
“I hope so. I just didn’t see it. I wanted her to love me. I was too young to focus on the right stuff. But we had dinner last night after visiting hours. We’re both making an effort.”
“And Dad is okay with you?”
“Yeah. I think he was pleased to see me. He’s been asking me lots of questions about you. He still doesn’t understand what you do.”
“Well, that makes two of you,” I said, grinning. It felt good to know he was asking about me. I missed the feeling that there was a safety net behind me. That’s what parents did, they caught you when you fell, no matter how old you were. And I hadn’t had that since Mom died. There was no way any kid of mine wouldn’t know I was right there behind them.
“I miss you. How are things with Haven?”
“Okay, I think.”
“Excuse me? Okay ‘you think’? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means things are . . . I have a lot going on with Elemental starting up and Eric coming over and Millie—”
“What have you got going on with Millie? There’s no baby yet.”
“Yeah, but she’s needed me the last few days. Her sister’s not been around, so I’ve had to get her stuff and it’s kind of interrupted things with Haven. She’s not said anything but it’s—”
“You don’t need to become Millie’s manservant to prove you’re not going to abandon your child, Jake. You are the most kindhearted, generous man I know. That kid is going to be begging to live with you. You never need to worry about not being there. It’s in your DNA, but you don’t need to sign over your happiness to Millie to prove that—to her, to the baby or to yourself.”
Beth thought I got all the good genes, but she had it the wrong way around. Somehow, her addiction had given her insight that I would never have. As if alcoholism had concentrated a lifetime’s experience into a few years. Or perhaps addiction was the cure for real wisdom, a way to drown out the cruelty of reality. “You think that’s what I’ve been doing?”
“I do. And remember, Millie is going to do everything she can to get you back. And preferably get a ring on her finger, I imagine. She’s fucked up by getting pregnant as far as her life plan is concerned. In fact, if you weren’t loaded, I bet she would have had an abortion—”
“Beth!”
“Be shocked all you like, Jake, it’s true. I’d put money on it. Don’t fuck things up with Haven by playing along with Millie’s games. You don’t even know if it’s your baby yet.”
Had I been too indulgent with Millie?
“I feel like I’ve been spanked,” I said.
“I don’t want to hear about your pervy sexual preferences. But consider yourself told off,” Beth replied.
“When are you coming home?” I missed her.
“Holy C. R. A. P.” Haven spelled out the letters as if she were swearing in front of a small child. We had just walked through what Debbie, my realtor, described as the master bedroom suite.
“Holy crap?” I asked her. It wasn’t entirely clear whether she liked the place or not.
Haven just nodded, which didn’t help my understanding at all.
“Well it’s good that there wouldn’t be anything to do,” I said, still staring at Haven to try to work out whether or not she was impressed.
“Everything is brand new. You’d be buying straight from the developer, so no one has lived with any of the fixtures or fittings,” Debbie explained. “And it’s already dressed. All the furniture will stay, so you simply move in.”
“What’s through there?” Haven asked.
“That’s the dressing room,” Debbie said as Haven wandered over and opened a door.
“Well that’s ridiculous. It’s as big as my whole bedroom.” She was wide eyed and so beautiful. I could see her here. She seemed at home.
“Beth would like it,” I said.
“Of course she would. It’s incredible.” So, she liked it, that was good.
“The heart of the apartment is the living space. Let me show you.” Debbie moved back into the corridor and we followed. “Views are southwest,” she said, sweeping her arm across the room.
The area was at least as big as my en
tire apartment, and in this light, Haven came to life. She looked as though she belonged here.
“There’s a study through that sliding door, which you can open up into the main room if you wanted more space.”
“Holy crap,” Haven said again, not bothering to spell out the word this time.
“All the floors are engineered walnut. Have a brochure. The full spec is in there. And then you have access to the wraparound balcony from the master suite and the living space. It’s a great property, but it won’t be on the market long.”
It was a huge leap from my old place in Earls Court. I had this incredible girl and I was going to be a father in a few months. I was ready to take the next step toward my future.
“But there are two more bedrooms, right?” I asked.
The two smaller bedrooms were still a good size and plenty big enough for a baby. “This would work for a nursery.” I said as we entered the room next to the master bedroom.
“You’re pregnant?” Debbie said, glancing between us. “Or making plans to be?” Haven pinched her cheek between her teeth.
“Just planning,” I said, trying to be as ambiguous as possible. “Thanks for showing us around,” I said, wanting to steer the conversation to less uncomfortable ground. I didn’t want to explain my paternal complications to a stranger.
“I’ll give you two a moment and I’ll see you outside,” Debbie said.
When I heard the front door click, I turned to Haven. “So what do you think?”
“I think it’s beautiful. Like, amazing.” She sounded more subdued than she had before Debbie’s comment.
“You like it?” I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her toward me.
“How could I not? It’s like those places you see other people living in. It’s the kind of place I’d imagine Millie living in.”
That was the last thing I’d expected Haven to say.
“Forget about Millie. Can you see yourself here?”
“It’s not for me. It’s for you.”
Was it too early for me to formally ask her to move in with me? Although she wouldn’t just be moving in with me—it would be with me and Beth and the baby. “Yeah, but you’re going to spend time here, I hope, and maybe, you know—”
“What do you think?” Haven interrupted as if she didn’t like where I was going. When I’d mentioned our future at the wrap party, she’d dragged me home, determined to get me naked. Had she changed her mind?
“I don’t know,” I replied, and that was the truth. Every certainty I surrounded myself with seemed to be disintegrating.
Haven
“How did the dating piece go down with the readers?” Jake asked. After a day house hunting, we’d decided to go to dinner at my favorite local tapas place. I loved it. No one dressed up no matter the day of the week, you could always get a table and the food was incredible. They’d given us a spot in the corner of the dimly lit dining area, away from the bar and we sat kitty-corner to each other.
The lighting was the other reason I loved the place; candlelight was always a woman’s best friend. Jake’s, too, apparently. His jaw was completely kissable, covered in a day’s worth of scruff, the light emphasizing every contour. I made myself blink. The final apartment we’d seen had been incredible and it suited Jake somehow. He seemed at ease, comfortable in the space. But it reminded me of all the complications that the future held. It was good to get back onto neutral ground.
“It doesn’t go out until next week. I think it will be okay, though,” I replied. “This squid is good, right?”
“You don’t sound excited,” Jake said, nodding and taking another piece of squid.
I shrugged. I wasn’t excited. Normally when a big article of mine was being featured, I couldn’t wait to get feedback from readers. But dating rich men seemed like kind of a silly feature. Was I encouraging women to go after sleazeballs like Louis Romano for their money?
“What are you working on now?”
“I asked Robert if I could do a piece about women in technology. You know that report that came out recently saying how it’s one of the worst sectors for women?”
Jake nodded. “Yeah, I saw that.”
“Well, I thought it would be good to cover it and investigate sexism in the workplace.”
“Robert wasn’t keen?”
“No. Thinks it’s too heavy.” I sighed. “And he’s right. We’re not the Economist. Articles like that don’t increase readers, and Robert’s all about improving circulation.”
“As editor, that’s his job, isn’t it?”
“I guess.” I knew what I was getting working for Rallegra. And it had always been what I’d wanted.
“So are you going to apply to the Economist?”
I took in a breath and narrowed my eyes as if I was seriously considering his question. “Not tonight.” I grinned at him.
“I’m serious, you should think about it. Work should make you happy and I’ve never seen you happy at Rallegra.”
I’d never really considered leaving Rallegra. I’d been focused on getting a promotion since I’d started there. “Okay, Mr. Fix It, I’ll take that under advisement. Talk to me about you. What about the flats today? Are you going to buy one?”
Jake grinned. It was the kind of grin that made me want to jump him right there, in front of everyone.
“What are you smiling about?” I asked.
“Nothing. It was just nice today. Doing that with you.”
I reached for some more food, trying to hide the fact that I’d loved that he’d brought me along to see the flats with him. It hadn’t been without incident though. Millie’s shadow had even followed us there. Planning space for a nursery pulled me away from the fantasy of penthouses. How often was he going to have the baby stay with him? Because he worked for himself, the custody arrangements might not be limited to every other weekend. Millie’s pregnancy was going to have a huge impact on my life if Jake and I stayed together. I’d end up being a part-time . . . caregiver for someone else’s child.
“Did you like any of them enough to buy one?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. It’s an adjustment,” he said. “You liked the places we saw today?”
“Of course. They were amazing.”
“You’d live in all of them?”
My stomach flipped. I shouldn’t get excited when he said stuff like that. A baby would change everything for him, for us.
“It should be about whether you would live in them, not me.”
“I was serious when I talked about our future, Haven.”
“You have a lot happening right now. Let’s just deal with the here and now. We’re together, and I love that we are. We don’t have to make long-term decisions about us.”
“But if I buy a place you don’t like . . .”
“Then we’ll move when we get married. Satisfied?”
I said it to shock him and I half expected him to choke on his beer. Instead, Jake’s grin transformed from sexy to scorching.
“I think we need to get the check,” he said.
“You’re amazing,” I said, my breathing returning to normal.
“You’re only saying that because I made you come three times,” Jake said as he pulled me onto his chest.
“You’re right, I am.”
“You’re using me for my sexual skills?” he asked.
“Yup.”
“You know you’re getting kissed for that.”
I giggled and he rolled me to my back and pressed his lips against mine. I pretended I wanted to resist him but of course, there was nothing better than kissing Jake.
I heard a phone vibrate somewhere but Jake ignored it and kept kissing me. He started to harden again against me and I relaxed.
The buzzing stopped and then started again. “Jake, that could be about your dad,” I said as I reluctantly pushed him away from me.
He reached across me and then collapsed onto his back with a groan. “It’s Millie.”
Well,
at least she had the decency to let me have an orgasm before she called this time.
“I’m ignoring it,” he said.
I got up to go to the bathroom.
“I’m ignoring it,” he said again.
“I don’t want you to ignore it for me. If you need to answer the phone, answer it.” I tried to sound patient. I wasn’t angry with him, or Millie. I didn’t want to be the reason he wasn’t answering his child’s mother.
The phone started to buzz again, and I pulled on a t-shirt. From the bathroom, I heard him answer. His voice was low, and I couldn’t make out what he was saying, just that he was talking.
I brushed my teeth and waited until I couldn’t hear his voice. I didn’t want to listen in to his conversation.
As I opened the door, he was facing me, his head propped up on his elbow.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey, how’s Millie?”
“Feeling sick, apparently. She asked me to come over again.” He rolled his eyes. I forced out a smile.
I got back into bed and he grabbed my ass. “So, are you going?” I asked.
“No, what can I do if she feels sick?”
“I don’t want you not to go because you’re worried you’ll upset me.”
“Are you saying you think I should go?”
“I’m not saying anything. Just that I shouldn’t be a factor in your decision.” I didn’t want to be the demanding girlfriend but at the same time, I wasn’t sure how I would have reacted if he’d left again. Millie wasn’t going to be a problem that simply went away. She would be hanging over us for as long as we were together. And once his baby came along, I would never come first. Was I strong enough to handle that? Since the flat viewings, something heavy and sticky had settled in my gut and wasn’t shifting.
Jake looked at me, his eyebrows knitted together. I reached up and smoothed his forehead with my thumb. He caught my wrist. “Do I need to hold on tight to you?” he asked.
“Always,” I replied.
Thirty-Five
Jake
“If you find that paper on lignocellulosic biomass that I gave you earlier, that should give you some context,” I said to Greg, the programmer Eric had brought on board. We were at the new offices on Lombard Street, which were working well. Eric and Greg were as dedicated as I was to making Elemental Energy a success. Finally, we had some traction and were making incredible progress.