by Louise Bay
“Let’s change the subject. Did you find a new flat you like?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Really? So Beth is moving out? That’s amazing. Can I come and see it?”
“Maybe,” I replied. There was no way she was going to see my place. I wanted to keep it separate from her. Things needed to switch to a different setting between us.
“Do you need a hand picking furniture? You need to make sure you go classic, rather than modern bachelor. I saw a great mirror in Elle Interiors this month, it would look fabulous—”
“Stop.” If I could render her mute until I dropped her off, that would be ideal. I could be working at the moment, rather than wasting time with someone who didn’t deserve my attention.
The silence between us only lasted a few minutes.
“Did you show your parents the video of the ultrasound?” Millie asked, bringing the conversation back to the baby.
I shook my head.
“Doesn’t your mother want to see?”
Had I told her my mother had died? I couldn’t remember. I hadn’t told my dad about the pregnancy. It wasn’t that I thought Millie was lying, but there was something stopping me from telling people. The only people who knew were Beth and Haven. It felt as if I was living in some kind of limbo and when things started to become more concrete, with Elemental Energy, with the new flat, with my dad and the baby, then I’d be able to put words around my future.
I shrugged. “How’s your sister?” I asked, trying to change the subject. If Millie was talking about herself then she couldn’t be asking me questions. I just needed to get to the end of this meal and then renegotiate our relationship. It wasn’t working for me. I was done indulging her. Done with her trying to engineer something more between us, and done with spending any more time with her than was absolutely necessary.
“She’s good. She’s been with Matthew a few months now. I think she’s hoping for a ring at any moment. When they get engaged, they’ll move in together. I’ll be on my own apart from you and the baby.”
“You won’t be on your own. You have your parents and your friends. Your sister isn’t moving to a new country. Anyway, she’s not engaged yet.”
“Oh, she will be by the end of the year, whether or not it’s to Matthew.”
I drew my eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”
“She was always going to be engaged by twenty-five. And she’s twenty-five in December.”
“But what if she hasn’t found the right guy by December? Or what if Matthew doesn’t ask her?”
“She’ll give Matthew until the end of the summer and then if he hasn’t proposed, she’ll dump him and have three months to find someone else,” she said.
“But she’s in love with Matthew?”
Millie shrugged. “I guess. He has family money. They make a good couple.”
Everything she said cemented my feelings, or lack of them, for Millie. Relationships weren’t about love to her. She reminded me how what I’d felt for Haven had been so different, so amazing. Now I couldn’t imagine my life any other way. I relaxed. I’d been trying to find something in Millie that just didn’t exist. I could accept that now. I’d made a decision to take her out of my life as far as possible, and it felt good.
“It’s so great to spend time together like this, isn’t it?” Millie said, scanning the restaurant again, no doubt searching for famous faces. It was the last time we would ever spend time together like this.
Haven
It was about nine by the time we finally got out. I had given in and washed my hair. Ash was right; I needed to feel as though my life was moving forward.
Ash told the cab to head toward Soho. “Where are we going?”
“To find hot men who want to shower us with attention,” Ash replied.
“Really?” I was grinning at her. The night sounded increasingly promising.
Ash grinned. “Old Compton Street,” she said to the driver. “Everyone needs more gay in their life.”
“That’s exactly what we need.” I was excited for the first time in I couldn’t remember how long. Maybe I would enjoy myself. I was beginning to remember what happy felt like, even if I wasn’t feeling it at the moment, there was a possibility that I might. Especially when men were off the menu—straight men anyway. I wasn’t close to being ready for a straight bar. The thought of trying to find someone new, waiting to be approached by a guy only for it to happen and for him to be too short, too weird, too boring. In Old Compton Street, all the men were fixated on each other and would want nothing from me but a dance partner. Kylie Minogue and gay men—the ultimate heartbreak cure.
As we got out of the cab, noise and heat assaulted me. It felt as if everyone was on holiday. The windows of the bars and restaurants that lined the road were thrown open, and people were spilling out into the street, making their way from one place to another so that you didn’t know where one party ended and the next one started. In every direction, groups of friends and couples threw back shots and sang along to whatever music was playing closest. Everyone’s joy surrounded me. It slid through me and lifted my mood. It was the first time since I’d left Jake that I thought I might just make it through.
Ash led the way into what used to be a favorite bar of ours and we headed through the crowds to find some shots of our own. “What can I get you two beautiful ladies?” the gorgeous barman asked.
“Can we order you?” Ash asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
He grinned. “If I ever decide to play for the other team, you will be first on my list,” he replied. “In the meantime, what cocktail can I make for you?”
“I’ll have a screaming orgasm please,” Ash said with a wink.
“I bet you have plenty of those in your life,” the barman said.
“Yeah, but unfortunately most of them are self-inflicted. This one,” she said, tilting her head to me, “will have a cosmo.”
We got our drinks and headed to a table by the folded-back windows so we could, when we’d had enough to drink, touch the tight t-shirted men walking by.
“Why are gay men so much better looking than straight men?” Ash asked.
“Genetics? And they care more about their appearance than straight men.”
“Not more than George,” Ash said.
George was Ash’s ex-boyfriend. He was very definitely a metrosexual. “No. Not more than George. Unlike you, I refuse to date anyone who puts more effort into how they look than I do. It’s not what nature intended.”
“That’s a low bar. Most men shower,” Ash said, beaming at me.
I laughed. “Hey, I shower. And I wear makeup and look at me! No hair where it shouldn’t be. I even shaved my legs for you tonight.”
“And I’m mighty grateful. But you’d have been fine to leave them, you would have just been mistaken for a tranny.”
We laughed and it felt good. I hadn’t used my laughing muscles recently.
“You ladies seem like you’re having a good time, can we share your table?” A beautiful looking black man said as two almost as beautiful men loitered behind him.
“On one condition,” I said.
“Name it,” he replied.
“I want your friend’s hat for the evening.” His blond friend, sporting a bright pink cowboy hat, took it off and placed it on my head.
“It’s on loan, mind. I’m seeing Dolly next month and it’s part of the uniform,” he said.
“Understood, cowboy, I wouldn’t want Ms. Parton disappointed in you.” I winked at him and they all took their seats.
“Okay, I’m going to get some shots, do you boys want in?” Ash asked as she jumped to her feet.
“No Sambuca, Ash, please—”
“Hey, isn’t that—” Ash pointed out of the window at something and then quickly turned back to me.
“What?” I asked, briefly turning in the direction she had indicated.
“Nothing, I just thought I saw something,” she said quietly. “No Sambuc
a, got it.”
“What?” I asked, ignoring her efforts to try to change the topic. I turned properly so I could see what had caught her attention.
I wished I hadn’t. It was the unmistakable sight of Jake. My heart actually stopped beating and I couldn’t breathe. How I missed him. My Jake. He had his back to me and I realized he was opening a car door . . . for Millie.
I kept watching as he rounded the hood and settled in on the other side. He was laughing as he drove away.
“Haven,” Ash said.
I downed my cosmo. “I want to go home and drink a lot of tequila, in private where it doesn’t matter if I vomit.” I took off my hat, stood up and walked toward the exit.
Thirty-Nine
Jake
“I had such a great time. Thanks so much for taking me out,” Millie said as we got to her front door after what I was sure would be our final dinner together.
“I’m glad you had a good time,” I said as I hovered in the doorway.
“And we never run out of things to talk about. And now with the baby. It could all be perfect, Harry.” She placed the palm of her hand on my chest. “Don’t you think? And now you’re single and I’m single, and I’m having your child . . .”
She stroked her fingers up my neck.
“It’s as if life rearranged itself for us,” she said.
I gripped her wrist. “Stop. We’re not together. We’re never going to be together.”
“You don’t mean that.” She grinned. “Don’t you remember that thing I can do with my tongue?”
I jerked away from her.
“I said no. It’s not like that between us anymore.”
“I’m carrying your baby.” Her voice became colder, harder. “You need to support me.”
“I am supporting you.”
“I want a ring, Harry. You should have bought me a ring already.” Her eyes narrowed, and she pointed accusingly. “You broke it, you have to buy it. Don’t you get it? I don’t understand what your fucking problem is. You’re supposed to be smart.”
God, she was nasty. But it was no surprise.
“I’m sorry if you ever got the impression that this was different than it is, but I’m going to be really clear. I am never going to marry you. We might be having a baby together, but that’s where it begins and ends. I don’t love you, Millie. I won’t ever love you. In fact, I don’t even like you that much. I will support the baby, but that’s as far as this relationship goes.” I turned and headed toward the stairs and let Millie’s shouting blend together to make noise. I didn’t hear what she was saying. I just wanted to get away from her.
As I hit fresh air, I gulped it in desperate for renewal. I needed to be away from Millie. She was everything I didn’t want in my life.
Haven
“Another,” I said as I slammed the glass on the coffee table, my throat still burning from the shot. I was sitting on the floor, so I couldn’t fall after all the tequila I intended to drink.
Ash looked at me as if she were deliberating about whether or not to say anything.
“Another,” I repeated.
She picked up the bottle of tequila and fiddled with the top. “Just because they were out together doesn’t mean they are together together.”
I shook my head. “Another.”
“Haven. Seriously.”
I narrowed my eyes at her and she relented and poured another shot. I grabbed it as soon as it was full, put it to my lips and tipped my head back. The warmth spread from my tongue down my throat and across my limbs. I could feel tequila in my fingers.
“They don’t look good together,” Ash said.
“They look great and he seemed happy, which is what I wanted. She’s the mother of his child. They should be together.”
“He loves you.”
I shook my head. “Don’t say that.”
“He told you he loves you.”
“Shut up, Ash. I mean it. Things are how they should be. We were never going to work out in the long run, even if Millie hadn’t gotten pregnant. There were always going to be glamazons wanting his attention. It’s easier this way.”
“Shouldn’t you at least drunk dial him and shout abuse at him?”
“I don’t want him to think I care. Because I don’t.”
“Then why are you downing tequila shots like Mel Gibson?”
“Shut up and drink with me.”
I’d expected my hangover to be worse, considering. I could tell by the ache in my lower back that I hadn’t even made it to my bed. I pried an eye open and realized I was on the sofa, Ash collapsed below me on cushions, with one hand still on an almost empty tequila bottle.
I made it to the kitchen and poured myself some water into the biggest glass I could find, then changed into my flying pig pajamas and got into bed. It was ten in the morning, but I had no intention of getting out of bed anytime soon. It was a day to wallow. The pajamas said it all. They were all about Jake. The first time he’d seen me with my hair down, I had been wearing them. The first time he’d made me come, he’d peeled them from my legs. I closed my eyes to stop the tears. I couldn’t give in. I needed to blank it all out. I missed him so much, more than I thought possible. I’d known I was upset, but seeing him had made me realize how much I felt his loss in every particle of my body.
I hadn’t expected ever to run into him again. Maybe if I had been prepared it would have been easier. But it had been much worse than I’d ever imagined. The pain hadn’t dimmed; it still felt as if my heart were being dipped in alcohol. It burned. It was physical. It was visceral.
I heard banging about in the living room, the clink of glasses and then Ash appeared in my bedroom door with a glass of water in her hand. I pulled back the quilt and she climbed in next to me. We lay on our backs, staring at the ceiling.
“How are you feeling?” she asked.
“Remarkably okay given my tequila consumption. You?”
“I meant about Jake.”
I wasn’t sure if my outside had reacted as violently as my inside at the mention of his name. It felt as if my heart and my stomach swapped positions and my skin started to twitch. “I’ll be fine. I don’t want to talk about it. Can we discuss your lack of love life?”
Ash groaned. “Haven, concentrating on my misery won’t heal your own.”
“I think you should Internet date or something,” I said, ignoring her.
“Well, actually, I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot.”
Ash always fobbed me off when I tried to get her to discuss her dating life, so the fact she was engaging with me was new.
“Go on,” I said, desperate for a distraction.
“You know that guy at work I told you about?”
“The one that works in the other hospital?” She’d told me several months ago that she’d been flirting with a hot doctor from another hospital, but I hadn’t heard about him since.
“Yeah, well, he’s at my hospital now, like every day. And he’s funny. He seems like a good guy.”
I turned on my side to face Ash and propped my head up on my hand. “Sounds good.”
“Well he asked me out. Several times, actually. I told him I’d think about it.”
“Oh my God, Ash, how have you not told me about this? What is there to think about?” I was genuinely excited for her and I welcomed the sense of positivity that dripped into my brain, pushing away thoughts of Jake.
“I think I like him. And I think I need to move on.”
“You know that there’s nothing in the world that I want more than you and Luke to be together, but I don’t think it’s healthy to put your life on hold for someone who’s not available.”
“I know,” she said quietly. “And I know I joke about it, but I think that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve felt the way I have about your brother since I was in the womb, so I’ve given myself an excuse not to look anywhere else for love.”
“Oh, Ash. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.
At least I realize it now. I don’t want you to do the same thing with Jake. You still love him. I know you do. It’s different for you; he has feelings for you. He told you he loved you. You have a chance at being with the man you love. Don’t waste it. And before you say anything, you don’t know what’s going on with Millie. He’s a good guy. He’s probably just trying to keep her happy. If he was in love with her, he wouldn’t have broken up with her after three months. Don’t waste time like I have. Go after him or try to move on.”
The thought of moving on, trying to date someone else, was just too much. It was as if someone had their fist around my heart and was gripping tighter and tighter.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it,” she continued. “I just needed to say it. So, I think I’m going to say yes to Richard. What have I got to lose?”
“Richard is the hot doctor?”
Ash nodded. “And I think I’m not going to come to Sunday night dinner quite as often.”
It was tough to think that our happy routine was going to change, but it was the right thing for Ash and I was really pleased for her.
“I get it.”
“I could ask Richard if he has a hot friend and we could double.”
“Can I take a few days to think about that? I need some time to adjust.” It was going to take something more than time.
Ash squeezed my hand.
Emma was visiting her parents, so Luke was doing Sunday dinner at their place. I wouldn’t have peeled myself out of bed for any other reason. No doubt Jake would be spending the day with Millie, and if I stayed at home on my own it would be the only thing I could think about.
“You look terrible,” Luke said as he opened the door.
“Wow, and they say you don’t have any charm. I don’t know where they come up with these ideas.” I followed him into the kitchen. “So, you’re actually cooking? We’re not getting Chinese?” Unless Ash and I were there doing it for him, Sunday dinner at Luke’s was normally delivered. Although we’d never talked about it, I assumed it was a reaction to not being able to pursue his dreams of being a chef. That if he couldn’t be amazing at it, he didn’t want to try at all.