by Anne Leigh
Zander kissed the top of my head.
Zander’s mom finally spoke, "I don't think I was quite that eloquent when I was your age."
"Don't take this the wrong way, Sedona,” she added wistfully, with the forewarning, “When my son was in high school, he brought a lot of girls to our house."
Zander looked like he was about to squirm in his seat, his eyes were a shade greener. His ears were turning red. He was getting uncomfortable.
"Haven, I don't think Sedona wants to hear that," his father interjected.
"No, I am trying to say something," she silently reprimanded her husband.
"Anyways, before I was interrupted, I was saying that Zander brought a lot of girls to our house when he was in high school. I knew the girls' names because I knew their parents. I would hound Zander to personally introduce me to them, but he'd just say, 'Nah, nothing special, Mom'."
She took a sip of her wine. Zander’s ears were still red and now his whole face was a shade redder too.
"Through the years, I stopped asking him about girls or women. I figured, that’s his business. He has a good head on his shoulders and I believe that we've raised him well. So just imagine my surprise when I talked to him, about a month ago and asked him on what's going on."
"You know what the first thing he told me was?"
I shook my head no.
"He said, 'Mom, I met a girl a few months back. Her name's Sedona. And, she's very special to me'."
I was still. Quiet. I didn't know what to say or how to respond. His mother, however, wasn't done with what she had to say.
"Now, I know firsthand that you're a very special girl, Sedona. I'm really glad that my son sees that." Her smile was wide; her perfect teeth glimmered against the lights. She reminded me of Zander when he was bursting with happiness, excitement.
Zander's father steered the conversation to lighter topics after that, such as, wines and the fascinating places that they've been to.
In all the years I've lost my mother, I could honestly it was during moments like these, conversing and laughing with Zander’s mom, that I missed her most. Zander's mother was an epitome of a great woman who was beautiful, inside and out. She reminded me so much of my mother; her easy laugh, kindness, and grace.
We left the restaurant close to midnight. Zander's parents had an early morning trip to Philadelphia so we hugged and said our goodbyes. They invited me to come visit them the next time they were in town.
Chapter Twenty
“Don’t ever be afraid of love, to love…”
Sedona
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. Zander and I spent the holidays apart because of our parents. He was with his in Aspen, Colorado. I spent mine catching up with my dad in Brazil. I was really lucky to have a dad who traveled as a job. I got to visit beautiful places because of him.
Zander and I talked every day. We made very good use of our time practicing safe sex. He called phone sex as ‘safe sex’ because it happened from a distance, thousands of miles away.
A few days before we were due back to school, Zander called and he sounded so sick. He said that he might have caught a bug that was going around their hotel. He barely kept awake during our conversations.
I arrived a day later than he did. As soon as I arrived, I wanted to see him after dropping off my luggage at my apartment. I called a cab from the airport because all our friends were still away for winter break. Most of them were coming back in a day or two.
His eyes were so red when he greeted me at his place. As I walked inside, I saw his footsteps staggered. He barely managed to walk to his room. I was scared that he would fall on the floor so I tried to assist him by holding him to my side while we walked.
On his nightstand was a box of Cough and Flu medicine, a box of Kleenex, and his trash can was almost filled with used tissues.
As soon as he hit the bed, he lied on his back and fell asleep.
I went to the kitchen, heated up a canned soup from the cupboard and brought the steaming bowl to his room.
"Zander, you have to eat something," I coaxed him to get up.
All he did was grunt, followed by another bout of coughing.
He looked miserable.
I felt his head with the back of my hand, he was burning up! I went to his bathroom, ran hand towels under the cool water, and placed them on his head. His clothes were soaked in sweat. He lifted his arms when I pulled on his shirt and tried to lift his legs when I pulled on his pants. He was so weak, he barely helped me out.
In my nursing rotations, I was used to changing my patient's beds and giving them baths. But changing and giving a sponge bath to a 220 lb male, all muscle, on his dead weight, without any help, was something I found to be extremely difficult.
Zander's eyes were closed and I heard him moan and grunt from time to time. After almost 45 minutes, I had him changed into cooler, dry clothing.
I waited another hour before waking him up. The soup had gotten cold so I reheated it in the microwave. Then, somehow I got him to eat half the bowl and take the medicine on his nightstand. I wasn't sure when he took his medicine last so I asked him and he said, in between bouts of coughing and sneezing, ‘this morning’.
I stayed with him that night. I tried to get some sleep but each time he coughed, sneezed, and moaned in agony, I felt the sounds pull on my heart. Caring for patients was something that I loved to do. I wanted to make them feel better. There was, however, a part of me that was somewhat disconnected from my patients. That part enabled me to care for them objectively.
With Zander, there was no such delineation. His sounds of pain and agony made me weaker. I found myself praying to God, for him. I wished that he would open his eyes and look at me as he always did – healthy, playful, strong.
I was a little girl when my mom passed away. So I didn’t remember her being in the hospital or suffering through the pain. What I remembered was my dad saying that watching her go through all the pain, made him want to tear through the walls and scream.
I felt that now. To see Zander this way, I wanted to scream and say "Stop, wake up, get better!" I knew I was probably being overdramatic. I've taken care of people with the flu and I saw them get better. However, with him, I thought of all the bad things that could happen. What if he got pneumonia? What of he developed a lung infection? What if he didn’t get better?
I felt helpless. Tired. Weak. I was used to seeing him so strong. Strong enough to tackle men who weighed twice as he did and lift me at the same time. Now, this, on the bed, covered by a soft blanket with a wash rug on his head, he looked so vulnerable while resting.
I was still staring at him, sorting through all the emotions and thoughts in my head, laying on the soft, suede cushion of the papasan chair on the side of his bed, when I reached a moment of clarity. It was like I was on train that was traveling at 190 mph and in a second, it careened to a stop. This was as close as I could describe what I was feeling.
It became clear to me that my happiness was linked to the man sleeping peacefully across from me. Without me knowing it, his feelings were directly linked to mine. Without me realizing it, he now held the power to break my heart. It was then that I knew I was falling in love with him.
This realization did not settle with me. I didn't know he felt. I didn't know how he would react. I didn't know if right now was the right time to fall in love. Our relationship was great. We were happy. We were in a good place. We were on our way to great careers. What if me admitting that I was falling in love with him messed things up? What about my goals? My 3 P’s and 5 D’s? Have I really strayed so far off my path?
I never planned to fall in love. It was #7 on my list. How did one deal with falling in love? What if someone lost the person whom they fell in love with? My dad was never the same after losing my mom. He was a great dad and will always be. But, he was different. Broken. Was I ready to be broken?
I wanted to call Kieran or Nalee or Tanya. Calling them, however, would be adm
itting that I was in love. I was not ready to do that yet. I didn’t know if I ever will.
I fell asleep with those thoughts in my head. I didn't know if I was dreaming but sometime, during the night, I felt someone lifting me and transferring me to the bed.
I woke up with the sounds of the water running in the shower.
My eyes were blurry from sleep, when I heard him, "Awake, babe?"
I slowly sat up on the bed. I saw that the bed sheets were now green instead of the dark blue sheets that Zander slept in.
"Yeah," I said, "Did you change the sheets?"
His eyes were tired, "I don't want you catching what I have. My mom always changed the sheets after I was sick," he said while reaching for clothes in his closet.
"Great tip," I agreed, "I have to get going though."
"You got stuff to do today?" he asked, his voice sounding better and he was not coughing anymore.
"Yup, I have to go change and run some errands," I said, trying to sound calm.
"Ok, call me later when you're done," he glanced at me. He looked as if he wanted to add more, but he stopped.
"Ok" I stood up, straightened my shirt as best as I can, and was about to get to the door when he reached out with his right arm and pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you for taking care of me, babe," he said, while running his right hand down my back.
I could feel my heart hammering against my rib cage, the vibration seeping through my sternum. I wanted to get out of the room; I also wanted to stay in his arms. I needed space to breathe; I didn't want him to let go. I felt helpless. I felt that my heart, my mind, and my body were no longer mine. He had no idea how jumbled my thoughts and feelings were.
I hugged him back and tried to sound as normal as possible, "You're welcome. Now, take your medicine and don't push yourself so hard for the next two to three days."
"Yes, coach knows I've been sick. He actually told me to rest up. Our first game this year’s in 4 days."
"K," I kissed him on his left cheek.
He held my hand and he walked me to my car. As I drove away, I took in big gulps of air.
Over the next few weeks, when Zander and I saw each other, I acted like my normal self. I didn't want him to think that anything was different. I laughed at his jokes the way I normally did. I hugged him the way I normally did. I attended his home games the way I have been doing.
I didn't think he noticed that anything was different. We were at a coffee shop one afternoon when he said, "Is everything ok, Sedona?"
"Yeah. Why?” I asked. It was a good thing I was reading a book when he asked that so he couldn't see my eyes. I glanced at him for a second and turned my attention back to my book.
"Just wondering, you seem different."
"Different? Like how?" I inquired.
"I don’t know. Just kind of different," his eyes were probing me, but I was still looking at my book.
"Hmm, just busy with grad stuff." I was trying to change the subject.
"True. Everything's just crazy, huh?" he took the bait.
"Yup."
"So have you thought of what you're going to be doing after graduation?" he asked.
"Haven't really decided yet. I don’t know. I'm just trying to my thesis, clinicals, and all these things." Irritation lined my voice. Why he was bringing up after graduation when he knows that I've been so busy with all the things I'm doing right now? I just wanted to focus on my thesis right now.
"Hey, hey, settle down. I was just asking. Graduation's only a few months away so I thought you were kind of thinking about what you want to do," he said, as he adjusted his baseball cap and patted my hair playfully.
"Ok," I replied.
*****
Getting close to graduation meant getting busy with school work, clinicals, and internships for me. For Zander, it meant getting ready for the draft, schoolwork, more football games, and practices.
In the months leading up to graduation, we found ourselves extremely busy. We went days without seeing each other. We were both struggling to find time for each other. We texted each other during the day and we were both so tired at night. We also found less and less time with each other. There were times when I'd be in class and I thought we were drifting apart. In a way, I was relieved because I didn’t have to mask my feelings or think about them if Zander was around. I talked to Nalee and Tanya about it and they both said that maybe it was because we were so busy. Even Kieran was so busy with his swimming engagements and school responsibilities that I only saw him twice a week.
I couldn't wait for graduation to come.
About a month before graduation, what started out as a great day ended up to be the worst day of my life at CSUF.
Saturday. The only day when both of our schedules were clear after a long time.
He picked me up at 9:30 in the morning so we could visit some wineries in Napa Valley. Napa was about an hour and a half away from us.
We spent the whole day tasting wines. I loved wine. But that day, my stomach felt queasy so I only tasted a few. Zander also loved wine so he drank all of his and mine.
I knew he missed me as much as I missed him. He kept me close to him the whole day. While he drove, I found myself staring at him quite a few times and reminded myself how lucky I was to be with him. He was all I could ever ask for in a boyfriend.
I caught him staring at me a few times too. I felt that he was holding something back. He'd smile at me but his smiles never reached his eyes.
We were in a winery when I asked him, "Is there something bugging you, babe?"
He just grabbed my hand and said, "Nah, just stuff."
"You know you can tell me, right?"
"Yup," he didn't elaborate.
When we got back to San Francisco, I thought we were heading back to his place when he went a different direction. We stopped at one of the swanky hotels in downtown San Francisco and he gave his car keys to the valet.
I was really surprised. This was the first time we checked in a hotel. We both had our apartments so we didn’t have a reason to go check in a hotel but I was going along with his surprise.
When we reached our room at the top floor, I gasped when I saw the inside of the room; actually, it was more like a suite.
Big chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling. There was a big screen TV in front of an immaculate-looking living room set.
I kept walking inside and when I reached the bedroom, sprinkles of red, pink, and yellow roses were strewn across the bed.
Zander was walking behind me. I turned to face him and he looked happy.
"What's this for?" I asked.
"I miss you," he said.
"This is wonderful, babe."
"You're exquisite." He started kissing me slowly and I felt his heart beating wildly on his chest.
I was about to remove my top when he stopped me, "Let me."
He started removing my clothes. With each article of clothing that he removed, he trailed kisses on the part of my body that he was uncovering.
By the time, he was done undressing me; I had reached a fevered pitch. When he dipped his fingers inside me, he sucked on them and huskily said, "Babe, I missed this."
I helped him remove his shirt, jeans, and boxers. And I slowly kneeled down until my mouth was in direct line to his straining erection.
I stuck my tongue out and touched the tip.
"Oohhh, baby," he moaned.
I cupped his balls slightly while pushing him into my mouth. I loved giving Zander oral sex. He was so responsive. My mouth was dripping with fluids when he slowly pulled out.
"No," I protested.
"Baby, I think I'm going to lose my balance. Let's move to the bed."
We moved to the bed and he arranged us in a way where I sat on top of his mouth and he was on my lips. I happened to glance on my right and I saw our position in the big mirror.
It was such an erotic view. I was straddling his face and he was halfway inside my mouth.
; I felt his finger enter me and I bucked. I continued sucking him while he was feasting on me.
I didn’t know how long we were in this position. By the time Zander flipped me underneath him, I was drenched in my own juices and he was ready to burst.
"I need you," was all he said when he entered me.
His pace was slow. I thought it was going to be fast with all the foreplay that we've had.
But he went slow. It was as if his body was trying to tell me something. He was savoring our connection. He was taking his time. I wanted him rough on me but he was, making love.