When she’s gone, I walk slowly over to the bus stop bench and put my face in my hands. My fake face.
On the ride home, I stare out the window, wondering if I’ll see Onika this time. I don’t. But I know she’s not gone. She said she’d see me soon.
I replay images in my mind—mostly of Harlin and me. I ache for him. But I’m not me anymore, not on the outside. Even if by some small chance he does remember me, I can’t let him see me like this. I’ve lost him.
The bus stops at the corner before my apartment building. As I walk off I glance around to see if anyone is staring at me, noticing something’s wrong. But like every other day, they say nothing, notice nothing, and I’m glad that I’m not standing out.
I’m relieved when I finally get into my apartment. The smells are familiar and I nearly collapse on the sofa when I walk in. Even though Sarah forgot me, I know that Mercy hasn’t, not this soon. I call out her name, but no one answers. I decide that tonight I’ll share one last meal with my family and tell them I love them. Even if they won’t remember come morning.
I’m still on the couch when Mercy and Alex get home. They’re carrying grocery bags and laughing, but when they open the door, they stop and look at me.
“Do you need a hand?” I ask, jumping up.
Alex raises an eyebrow and looks between Mercy and me. “Um . . . hello, breaking and entering. Can I help you?”
My body goes cold. My heart stops. “What?” I ask.
Mercy snaps with her free hand. “Oh!” she says. “Did the agency send you? Are you my new girl? I’m sorry, honey. You just caught us off guard.”
I can’t answer as I stare back at my family. Alex is sizing me up, the way he does everybody, deciding if I’m cool or not. And Mercy is giving me the same warm smile she reserves for kids she thinks are unloved. But she loves me. She just doesn’t remember that.
“What’s your name?” she asks kindly.
“Charlotte,” I say, tears brimming my eyes.
“That’s a beautiful name. It’s my grandmother’s name,” she adds.
“I know.”
She tilts her head, wondering how I knew that, I suppose. Then she shoos Alex in the doorway before closing the door and walking toward the kitchen. She sets her bag down and then comes into the living room where I’m still standing, dumbfounded.
I really didn’t think she’d forget. I really didn’t believe it. “Where’s Georgia?” I ask, wanting to see her one last time too. Wanting to finish all of this.
“You know Georgia?” Mercy smiles.
“Figures,” Alex says from the kitchen.
“Oh, shut up,” Mercy tells him quickly. “Georgia is leaving us. She’s been placed back with her mother. Is that how you found us? Through her?”
I shake my head. No, Mercy. I never really got to know Georgia, not the way I should have. And I guarantee she doesn’t know me.
“Huh. Okay then, let me show you to your room so that you can get settled,” Mercy says and puts her hand on my shoulder. I can’t even speak as I follow behind her down the hall. When we stop in front of my doorway she turns to me. “You’ve already put your stuff in here,” she says, surprised. “Well, I’m glad. This is your home now, Charlotte.”
I’m surprised to see that my belongings are still here and I wonder what happens when I’m gone. I take another look around and notice one thing missing. All of my photos.
The pictures of Sarah and me that were taped to the vanity mirror are gone, although a faint outline of them still remains. The prom picture on my side table of Harlin and me is now just an empty frame. I miss him, miss everyone so much, but Mercy walks over and pulls me tight to her.
“Oh, honey,” she whispers in her thick accent. “You must have been through something.”
I’m pressed against her white uniform and the smell of detergent that I know so well, but she doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know me at all. I cling to her, my last touch of my mother. When I pull back I look at her.
“Thank you,” I say. “Thank you for everything, Ma.”
She smiles. “You’re sweet. And honey, I haven’t even started taking care of you yet.”
I nod, and then motion to the bed. “I think I’m going to lie down for a little bit, if that’s okay?”
“’Course,” she whispers supportively. “Your first night in a new place is always the scariest.”
If only she could remember that this isn’t my first night with her. Or my second. I’ve been with her since I was six. She is my only mother. I run to my bed and lie down and the minute I hear Mercy close the bedroom door, I sob. Cry harder than I ever have in my life. Because I just became an orphan. Again.
Chapter 24
I t’s dark when a stabbing sensation tears through me. I groan and fold over in bed, clutching and shaking. Oh God. It hurts!
I try to focus through the pain, but it’s hard. It creeps through my gut and settles in my chest. It’s as if someone is sitting on me, restricting my breathing. It’s like my body is imploding on itself. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
Get up, I tell myself. Slowly I drag my legs over the side of my bed, touching at the floor. “I can do this,” I murmur. I’m being pulled somewhere, and wherever it is, I’ll go gladly. This is unlike any pain the Need has ever given me. My school shoes are in front of my closet and I slip my feet into them, then absently grab the green jacket Sarah bought for me.
Then the pain suddenly disappears. I’m left with a tingling, an almost pleasant feeling. What’s going on? I look around the room, unsure of what to do, when I see my phone vibrating on my side table. Cautiously, I move over and glance down. I don’t recognize the number.
“Hello?” I ask, looking at the clock. It’s three thirty-three.
“Hi, Charlotte,” the female voice says. It’s soft, the smallest hint of a Russian accent. “Feels better, right?” When I don’t answer, she laughs.
“I’ll see you at the bridge in twenty minutes,” she continues. “I’ll be waiting. See you soon, darling.”
She hangs up and the minute she does, the pain comes back with a force, knocking me off my feet, ravaging my body. I clutch the sheets of my bed, falling to my knees. I lift the bottom of my shirt to look at my stomach and the sight terrifies me. In the gold there is a small half-moon slit, about the size of a fingernail. It seems to go all the way inside me and from it emanates a glowing white light.
“No,” I whisper. “I’m not ready.” And then just like that, the pain eases enough for me to stand. I wrap my jacket tightly around myself and grab my phone. This is the end, and Onika is waiting for me. I’ll have to face her, even if I’m terrified.
The Rose City Bridge is only fifteen minutes away from my apartment building, and with the streets empty, it doesn’t take long for the bus to get there.
I’m sure that my makeup has rubbed off, because people are staring at me. They’re turned around in their seats, watching me in frozen amazement. They don’t speak at all. When we reach my stop and I walk past them, a couple murmur prayers.
As the bus pulls away, I look at the windows and see that everyone has gone back to what they were doing before. As if they’ve forgotten me already.
There is a thumping in my head, beating in time with my heart as I walk down the middle of the deserted street toward the bridge. The streetlights are a dim, glowing orange in the dark, starless night. Heavy clouds have gathered above to block out the moon.
I walk, my shoes tapping the pavement with a calming rhythm. There’s a loneliness in my chest and I know who it’s for. I slip my phone out of my pocket and look at it. No missed calls.
I almost left Mercy a note, but I knew it wouldn’t matter. It would fade. Seems that only a Seer can write about the Forgotten. Maybe Monroe will find a way to tell her about me. I try him at the clinic, but Rhonda won’t put me through, even when I tell her it’s an emergency. She takes a message. It could be hours before he gets it.
I’m ready t
o make my peace with the end. I have nothing left and I’m just happy to be almost done with this life. With no one remembering me, I feel like a ghost anyway.
There’s only one regret. Not seeing Harlin one last time. If anything will follow me into the light, it’s that.
I lower the phone to my side as I get to the middle of the bridge and look around. No one’s here. I walk to the iron railing and peer over, the water below looking miles away. It’s windy up here, and the thunder booms overhead, startling me. I look at my phone again.
I love you, I type to Harlin, and hit Send. Even if he doesn’t know who I am, at least I said what I needed to. At least I can give him that. I wait, but nothing comes back. He probably thinks it’s a prank, if he got it at all.
“Loverboy not answering?”
I jump and look up to see Onika standing beside me, leaning her back against the railing. She’s got on her makeup, her long blond hair flowing over one shoulder. Her black jacket is tied at the waist; her leather-gloved fingers tap on the steel.
“I told you I’m not going with you,” I say. “I’m ready for the light.” And I mean it. There’s nothing here for me anymore.
Onika smiles and I can see how beautiful she must have been. Stunning. “You really proved yourself to me. I’m impressed. I bet Monroe said he was proud.”
I freeze at her words, at how she knows things.
“You asked me once if I knew how to stop this. Do you still want to know?”
“Yes,” I answer automatically. I know it’s stupid, but I have to hear her out. I’m about to jump off a freaking bridge, I should know all of my options.
“Back when I was like you,” she says. “Back when I was weak, a Shadow came to me. He was gorgeous. Sexy. He told me I didn’t have to leave, and that if I stayed with him, I could keep my old life. But I’m not going to lie to you. It was a hard choice.”
I watch her but I can’t tell whether she’s telling the truth or not. Monroe said not to trust her. I know I shouldn’t trust her.
“You see,” she continues. “I was in love. Me and Monroe Swift, we were pretty hot and heavy in those days. He must have told you how much he loved me, right?”
“He called you a beast.”
Her delicate jaw tightens and I see a flash of anger behind her icy blue stare. Then she laughs as if I were only making a joke. “Tsk, tsk. The things he says now. Anyway, I nearly didn’t go. I was at one of my compulsions—wait, what do you call it?”
“The Need.”
“That’s catchy. I was at one of my Needs when Rodney showed up, offered me eternal life. Power. The absence of pain and loss. All I had to do was stay out of the light.”
“And now you’re a hideous monster,” I say. “Nice trade-off.”
She narrows her eyes. “What a mouth on you. My mother would have called you a telka.” Her Russian accent comes out thick. “Of course, from what I’ve seen, you’re nothing at all like a prostitute. But to my mother any woman with a big mouth was a whore.”
Her tone is venomous and I find myself backing against the railing to move away from her. The corner of her lip curves up. “I stayed for Monroe,” she says before turning to put her hands on the railing, hopping up in a graceful, inhuman way. She doesn’t need to hold on—she’s balancing even in her high-heeled boots. “Come up here, Charlotte,” she beckons, wagging her finger at me.
“Hell no.”
“It’s okay. You’ve seen it. You know you should.”
The Need pushes me, almost like a shove in the back and I’m climbing, holding on to the cables next to me for support once I’m standing. The wind is blowing against me and I look back over my shoulder, terrified that I’ll fall.
“Don’t worry,” Onika says nonchalantly. “I’ll take care of you.”
“I don’t want your help!”
And suddenly there’s a ripping in my chest, like a dagger has been stabbed through it. I groan and nearly lose my balance, but I hold on through the pain.
“I can make that stop,” she says. “If you want, of course.”
I look sideways at her. What happens if I say yes? Another pain assaults my back and I scream out. “Okay,” I say. “Make it stop. I can’t take it.”
She closes her eyes and when she opens them, my body is filled with euphoria. Relief. The most incredible sense of calm I’ve ever had. I exhale, my head rolling to one side. It’s like the best drug in the world.
“You can feel like this all the time, you know? I can make that happen.”
I gaze lazily over to her, barely hearing the clap of thunder overhead. “How?” I murmur.
Just then, a flat splatter of rain lands on my glove as it holds the cable. I look toward it as another one falls.
“It’s easy,” Onika says. “Easier than this.” I glance over to her, slowly coming back to my senses. She smiles. “You just step down off this railing and we’ll leave. You and me.”
“Sounds too easy,” I say. There is a feeling in my gut, beneath this drug I’m on. It’s like the Need is still there, only hidden. Like she’s blocking it. “Is that what happened with your Shadow?” I ask. “You went off with him to become this?”
She laughs. “Oh, I killed that bastard long ago. He wasn’t being straight with me, not like I am with you. And besides, I’m stronger than he ever was. And you, my dear, are like me.”
“I’m not.”
“Would you give it all up for Harlin? If you could still have a future with him, wouldn’t you?”
“But how? If I’m immortal, don’t you think he’d notice? Don’t you think he’d notice my skin?”
Onika rolls her eyes. “Which is why we have powers. You show people whatever you want them to see. You can even control the weather.” She laughs. “Personally I chose not to stick around, not when Monroe became adamant about sending me into the light. He was just using me. Like he’s using you now.”
“I won’t do it,” I say, desperately missing Harlin now that she’s mentioned him. Now that it’s almost over.
Onika grins. “I think you’ll change your mind.”
And then from the other side of the bridge I see two figures running toward me. I squint, but when they get closer, I feel my heart leap. Sarah and Mercy. “What? What’s happening?”
“Maybe they don’t want you to leave,” Onika murmurs, and drops to a sitting position on the railing.
I’m gasping for air as they run up the empty bridge, stopping in front of me.
“Charlotte!” Mercy screams, her dark hair loose and wild around her face. “Get down from there. Oh, Jesus, help her.” She looks up at the sky.
Sarah’s eyes are wide as she stares at me. “Charlotte,” she says cautiously. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. Please, just don’t jump.”
They remember me. They do. All of the hurt I’d felt pours out of me. “This isn’t real,” I cry. “It can’t be.”
“Can’t it?” Onika asks. “Don’t they love you enough? Don’t you love them enough?”
I take one hand to cover my eyes as I weep, not believing it’s real, but not wanting it to be false, either.
“Sweetie”—I hear Mercy’s voice—“come down, please. You’re my little girl, don’t leave me. Not like this.”
“Charlotte Cassidy,” Sarah cuts in. “If you jump now I’m going to be screwed up for life. You wouldn’t want that on your conscience, would you?” I look at her and she holds out her hand to me. “Think of all the years of therapy,” she adds.
My foot trembles as I reach it forward, ready to get down.
Rain starts to come down a little more and I feel it against the top of my head; a few drops land on my cheek.
“You walk away with me now,” Onika says from next to me. “And you can stay on this earth. You can be stronger than you imagined. You will have everything.”
I watch her. The rain is pelting her now, and slowly the tan begins to run, rivers of flesh melting off her face. She doesn’t seem to notice, but th
e gray underneath is showing through. Cracked, broken. Dead.
The sound of shoes slapping pavement breaks my thoughts. It’s raining hard now, but I can see a shape running up the bridge toward us. The blond hair is unmistakable. Monroe.
There is a growl next to me, but when I look over Onika is gone. Still across from me, Mercy and Sarah stand, holding out their arms and calling to me.
“Charlotte!” Monroe yells over the pounding rain. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”
“No,” I say. “I’m not.”
Mercy beckons me to her. Sarah starts to cry and Mercy hugs her to her chest. They’re both soaking wet. “Please,” Mercy begs.
And then Monroe is in front of me, and I trust that he’s real. I trust him. His hair is matted down and wet, and he’s out of breath from running. “Wow,” he says. “Your makeup is gone. It’s just you now.”
I look over to Mercy and Sarah, and I almost don’t ask. But I know I have to, even though I can’t stand to lose them again. “Monroe, do you see them?” My lip quivers as I gesture toward them.
Monroe’s eyes widen, as if he knows what’s happened. He glances around quickly. “There’s no one else here,” he whispers. “It’s only us on the bridge.”
I sway with sobs and as I look at Mercy and Sarah, at the people I love, they dissolve into rain and it’s only Onika standing there. She sighs. “It could be real,” she says. “I could make it happen. I mean, you wouldn’t have really wanted them to see you like this, would you?”
“Don’t believe anything Onika tells you,” Monroe says, coming closer.
“She showed me Mercy and Sarah,” I say with a whimper. “They were here.”
“No.” He shakes his head. “They weren’t.”
“Is it true that if I get down from here, they’ll remember me?”
“It may be true, but you won’t be you anymore, Charlotte. You’ll be a monster.” Monroe lowers his head, but his eyes still stare at me with determination. “It’s your time to go. That’s why I’m here. To witness. Don’t step down from that railing.”
“I know what he’s going to say,” I hear. I look over and Onika is next to me again, a sinister smile on her broken face. “You’re going to love this part,” she says, nodding her chin toward Monroe.
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