by Stock, L. J.
“Don't you think that should be our choice?” Steven asked, his voice stern as he tried to hide his emotions. I knew him too well to buy it. When he was trying not to be emotional, he came off angry. Like now, his eyes narrowed, his free hand had balled. It was why I always managed to clean him out during poker.
“Steven.” I sighed, dropping my eyes. I didn't know how else to get this across to him. If it were just him, my lovable older brother, well maybe I wouldn’t worry so much about it. I knew he was more than capable of looking after himself, but it wasn’t just him anymore. He had a family – a young family who needed him, who relied on him to keep them safe. I was giving him that opportunity, even if the pain in my chest was already beginning to swallow me whole.
“Steven, Liana,” Damon started, sitting forward. He'd been supporting me the best way he could since we'd started talking. The gentle brushes of his hand against my arm calmed me more than I think he even knew he was capable of. “You have to understand that once Cass is announced as the heir to the Mortisalian throne, our denizens will start learning about her and her history. They will manage to deduce that she is the girl in the prophecy. Once that news is out, Thánatos and his men will come for Cass, and they will utilize every opportunity they can to get to her. You and your family will be a target if they learn how close you are to your sister. They have no morals, no scruples, and no consciences. They won't think twice about using you to draw Cass out and kill her. Keeping your existence hidden will give you anonymity. It protects you, and it protects Cass. That's the only safeguard we can offer you right now.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, ignoring the tears that were brimming and threatening to spill over. It was everything I'd been trying to say, everything I needed them to hear, but with so much more force and brutal honesty than I could bring myself to give them. I knew Damon was trying to help, but hearing how much of a danger I was to my family hurt. It cut deeper than a knife buried in my heart.
I could see that Damon's words had succeeded where mine had failed. They had hit home, and by the look in my brother's eyes, and the horror in my sister-in-law’s face, they weren't thinking about me right now – they were thinking about their children. It was exactly as it should be, yet I couldn't help the small twinge of jealousy in my stomach. I knew it was my selfishness rising up, my need to have my brother in my life, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
“So, they possess people?”
“Yes, we call them the Moderatus, but there are some rogue Vis Liberi who possess also. The woman who came after Cass in the hospital was a moderatus. They tend to look… different… haunted. It’s hard to explain, but they look soulless and pallid. It doesn't sound so bad in theory, but once you see one, you will be plagued by that look. The victims are not in control of themselves, but the possessor – normally a Veneficus, one of Thánatos’ personal soldiers who possesses magic – is not in danger, so they have no fear. It makes them reckless and, paired with their lack of morals, will keep them coming until they get what they want or their victim dies.”
“Oh God!” Liana mumbled, her hand going over her mouth. Damon was painting a picture that was shocking even to me. Susan hadn’t been quite that bad, but from what Alexa had told me, the longer the human was possessed, the more horrific it became.
“What do we do then? Just walk away? Cass is my sister, I love her and I can't just abandon her knowing these people are out there after her.”
“You're not abandoning me,” I said quietly. “Steve I love you, too. I love your family. When I was in the hospital, I lived for your visits because you all gave me so much strength, but I need for you to be safe, and you won't be if I'm around you. Do you know how much guilt would haunt me if anything happened to any of you? I’d rather die first. I wish there was another way but you're all too important to be put in jeopardy like that.”
Liana launched herself from Steven's side. Sitting on my other side, she pulled me into her embrace. Her sobs came freely as she rocked us both, her hands gently stroking through my hair. I hadn’t expected her heartbreak, and it took everything in me not to break apart with her. The grief only made what I had to do that much tougher.
“This isn't fair,” she cried, her grip tightening around me as her tears left a damp spot on my shoulder. “We just got you back, Cass.”
“I know,” I whispered. “It kills me knowing I won’t see your kids growing up, that I have to let go of you all, but I couldn't live with myself knowing you were in danger because of me.”
“I love you, Cass.” Liana wept.
“And I love you. It's why I have to do this.” I spoke around the lump in my throat, making my voice break in pain, and I could see how much the show of emotion affected everyone.
“But didn't you say that I had this ability, too? Couldn't I just skip out at the first sign of trouble?” Steve asked, sitting forward in his seat.
“Yes, but it takes a lot of skill to translocate another person with you, and there's just no way we could teach you that much information in the time we have. It's skill paired with years of experience that you just don't have. Alone, it would be easier, but you have your wife and children to consider,” Damon said gently.
“Well, maybe I could practice, and just stay away from Cass until I've perfected it?”
“Steve, you're forgetting something,” Liana said quietly from beside me, her arms still holding me to her. “Think about what the prophecy said. The last line says it all. The connection to the other dimension will close. We won't see Cass again, even after she wins the fight.”
My heart stopped in my chest and the breath I'd been in the process of releasing choked me. If the prophecy were fulfilled, I would live the rest of my days in Mortisali, closed off from this dimension for good. The two worlds will succumb to their fates, their division from darkness closing the gates. I would be the princess, the heir. I would have to stay with the people I chose to lead. This was turning out to be so much more of a goodbye than I’d ever intended. This was forever.
Nausea rolled in my stomach like a stormy ocean. I tried to focus on something other than the burning in my throat, but nothing helped. The moment throwing up became unavoidable, I sprang from the couch and sprinted to the bathroom, making it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the porcelain bowl. Warm hands gathered my hair and pulled it to the nape of my neck as I retched and sobbed.
That one line from the prophecy gave it all such a ring of finality.
Collapsing against the bathtub, I looked up at the person who'd saved my hair from being subjected to the nastiness my body had expelled, and was relieved to see Damon standing over me looking sympathetic. I wanted to say something in gratitude but my mind was a mishmash of thoughts that made saying anything impossible.
“Talk to me,” Damon pleaded quietly.
I shook my head. I couldn't. I was weighing my happiness and comfort against a whole world filled with people who were living in fear. People who would live under the tyranny of Thánatos should I fail. Could I honestly put my happiness before them? Could I leave them all to wither and die at the hands of an animal so I could see my nephew and live in the technologically advanced world I'd come to love?
No. I couldn't.
This new realization about my future changed absolutely nothing. It only tarnished the slight hope I'd found for myself while thinking about being able to help the people of Mortisali.
“It doesn't change a thing,” I murmured, pulling my legs to my chest and resting my chin on them. “I can't think about myself when all those people are living repressed half lives, just waiting for the war to come to them. I have to stop this, Damon. I have to fulfill this prophecy and give them some peace.”
Damon crouched in front of me, his hands lightly gripping my calves as he found my eyes. The sympathy and pride in his gaze burned into me as his thumbs made gentle circles. He knew me too well. He knew what I was saying and what I wasn’t. “I thought you realized.”
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“I should have. Maybe I did and just ignored it.” I laughed bitterly, angry with myself for being so blind. “But it doesn't change anything, does it?”
“I know it doesn't help, but I'm proud of you. You're already a leader, Cass – the princess you were born to be. You have more integrity and valor than most of the nobles in Mortisali and I am honored to be the one to protect you.”
It didn't help, but I appreciated what he was trying to do. I caught my breath slowly and tried to push the new pain to the back of my mind to process later.
“Come on. Let’s go and enjoy your visit while we can.”
I nodded and took his offered hands, letting him pull me to my feet. As though already knowing what I was about to ask, he gave me a smile.
“I'll wait outside,” he offered.
“Thanks, Damon.”
He left the room, the small click of the door’s mechanism sliding home meaning I was alone once again. I made my way to the mirror over the sink and looked at my red, splotchy reflection. I was a mess. My eyes were red and puffy, my cheeks were tinted pink from the retching, and the cold dampness of my forehead made me look pale and sickly.
I turned on the faucet and let the liquid run gently into the sink, emptying my mind as I cupped my hands and let them fill with the cool water. The liquid amplified the sounds all around me, and the sounds of war I had suppressed with my training now filled my ears again. Whether I wanted the reminder or not, these sounds were a prompt for what I had to do. Sitting at the farmhouse and skipping between there and the palace with nothing but silence surrounding me made me ignorant. There were no signs of the war that raged so brutally along the coasts. It was easy to forget how many people were already dying because of Thánatos' need for power.
I was the one who could stop that, and it cemented my decision to do the right thing.
Splashing my face with water, I let the sounds fade into the background again. With my new resolve securely intact, I dried off my cheeks and stepped through the door, out into the hall.
“You okay?” Damon asked, pushing off the wall, concern etched all over his features.
I nodded and offered him a smile as I headed back toward the living room. He followed me, close enough for me to feel him but far enough away to not be considered inappropriate. I took a deep breath and slipped back into my seat next to Liana.
“Sorry about that. I just needed a moment.”
“No, you needed to throw up,” Steven pointed out with about as much tact as a spoon.
“Steven!” Liana scolded, her head shaking in disbelief. “There was no need to point out the obvious.”
“There is, because it shows that she hasn't given this enough thought, Liana. She doesn't realize what she's signing up for.”
“But I do,” I answered, before Liana could reply.
They both stared at me. I couldn't explain it any better than the reality I'd just lived through in the bathroom. They wouldn't understand until I showed them. I wasn't sure Liana would ever hear it, but Damon seemed to understand when I came back from the kitchen with a water bottle and a small bowl.
“Damon, is there any way...”
He shook his head, cutting me off. “The only way she'll hear it is if I translocate her, and it's a risk. Especially seeing as she's pregnant. But…” He trailed off as he thought about it. I watched him with curiosity until I physically couldn’t wait any longer.
“But what?”
“It's a long shot, but she's carrying a baby with nymph blood so there's a chance she could hear it.”
“Would you like to try?” I asked, shaking the water bottle, my eyes watching her as she shifted uncomfortably. I knew how daunting all of this could be when you weren’t sure what to expect.
“What do I have to do?”
“Cup your palms, hold some water and listen,” I said gently, hoping the simplicity of it would put her at ease.
Liana looked at Steven who was watching the interaction carefully. To me, it looked like he was waiting for Liana to freak out, but she was handling it with more decorum than I had when I'd discovered the truth. Her mind made up, she looked at me and nodded, her hands making a small cup in front of her. It wasn't beyond my notice that they trembled slightly.
Steven moved from his seat to sit next to her on the couch and offered his hands in much the same way as she had, only more resolute. I poured the water into their hands and nodded at Damon, who I knew could explain a lot easier than I ever could.
“I want you both to concentrate on the water in your hands and listen to the air around you. Don't think, and don't try to focus; just let the sound come to you. It may be dull at first, faint, but when you hear it, let yourself listen to it. It should get gradually become louder and louder.”
I poured water into my own hands and listened to the sounds around me.
It was more of the same that I'd been subjected to growing up – explosions, accompanied by the sound of metal on metal as swords clashed, and screams of horror rang out. All of it was paired with the soundtrack of disembodied voices begging and pleading for it to end. I hated having them listen to this. The barbarity was years of waking nightmares for me, but I needed them both to understand why I had to stick to my morals and fight – why it was imperative for me to break this endless cycle of needless death and torture.
“Oh God!” Liana gasped gently, her cupped hands parting to release the water into the bowl that was placed on the table in front of her. I followed suit, wiping my hands dry on my jeans before kneeling in front of her and encasing her clasped hands in mine.
“I'm sorry,” I said gently, completely understanding the emotions she was feeling.
“You... You had to listen to that? You had to suffer hearing that every day, over and over… alone? All these years, I never knew. Cass, I never knew.”
“I know, honey.” I nodded and looked at Steven who was shaking slightly. He emptied his palm of water into the bowl, the color draining from his cheeks as his eyes searched mine.
“That's why I have to do this. It's so much bigger than just me. These people are suffering and have been for years, and their only hope is me finally stopping these attacks by killing Thánatos. It would be so easy for me to walk away from this, but I can't. I can't live knowing people die everyday because I refuse to follow my destiny.”
“Aren't you in danger being here, though?” Liana asked shakily, her eyes moving with panic between Steve and I.
“Yes, but I have protection. I'm watched around the clock. That was one of the only reasons I was allowed to train. This may look bad,” I said, motioning to my face, “but one day, it will save my life.”
“This really has to be goodbye, doesn’t it?” Steven asked, sitting forward and engulfing my hands that were still wrapped around Liana's. “We really can't ever see you again?”
“In order to keep you safe, it has to be goodbye.”
I knew now that I would do anything to keep them safe, even if it meant omitting myself from their lives.
Liana leaned into Steven and wept, her body convulsing gently as his hands released ours and worked through the hay blonde strands of her hair. I let go of her hands gently and stood up, looking around the living room. I may not have spent much time here in the past, but it was enough to remember the love that surrounded me. There was so much happiness here I felt devastated about letting it go.
I had my memories of this place, this family, and no matter how saddened I was about never meeting the niece or nephew Liana was currently carrying, knowing they were safe was more than I could ever ask for. My father was placing a guard in their lives like he'd done for me, and he was doing it to ease my mind. I was grateful for that. Knowing they had protection would make it a little easier to walk away.
“I should wake Ollie. If he sleeps too long now, he'll never sleep tonight.” Liana sniffled, her hand over her mouth as she leaned out of Steven's embrace.
“Let me go,” I said gently. I wanted to s
ay goodbye to him, to have just a moment to tell him thank you for making life worth it.
Liana nodded, and I rose and walked from the room, heading toward Ollie's bedroom. I pushed the door open and stepped inside, drawing in breath as I approached the tiny bed. This was going to be so hard. I knew he would never understand if I told him this while he was awake so I took my time, sinking down beside the little bed and watching the tiny child sleep under the blankets. His breath was even as he slept, and I smiled as I brushed the stray strands of dark blond hair from his forehead.
“You'd never understand if I said this to you while you were awake, so I'm hoping that telling you this way will stay with you for a while,” I said, taking a deep breath as I crossed my arms on the mattress and leaned my chin on them so I was on his level.
“You may not know this, Ollie, but you saved my life. Without even trying, you were the one that gave me something to live for, even when I felt so lost and trapped in the hospital. You were what I looked forward to on the weekend visits. Your smile brightened my days, and the day after you visited I would count down the days until you came again.”
Ollie shifted, a gentle breath falling from him before he smacked his lips and stilled again. After waiting for him to settle, I continued.
“When things were really bad, I thought of you and I felt better. You won't see me again after today, kiddo. It's one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, but you're too important to put in danger. This isn't your war to fight. It’s mine, and saying goodbye is a sacrifice I have to make. Just look after your mommy and daddy for me, please, and when your baby brother or sister is born, tell them about me.”
Oliver stirred under the blankets as one of my breaths shifted the downy hair on the side of his face. His eyes fluttered gently before focusing on me and blinking the last remnants of sleep away.
“Auntie Cazz?”
“Hey,” I whispered through a grin. “How did you sleep, champ?”
His giggle resounded around the room and his infectious smile brought mine back to my lips. He crawled out from his blankets and threw his arms around my neck with such force I fell back on the floor.