by Stock, L. J.
My anger was a driving force. It pushed me forward, blocking out the man behind me who was calling my name as loudly as he could without disturbing the whole palace. The gravel under my feet crunched as I moved forward, making my steps awkward and my ankles occasionally roll in the heels, but I pushed onward, skidding to a halt at the main doors and the two guards who seemed alarmed to see me there.
My breath was coming out in wild white clouds, and after a brief scrutinizing glance at one another, the guards hesitantly pulled the doors open for me. The moment there was enough space to fit through, I darted into the door and continued with my sprint through the palace. Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough to outrun Damon. I felt the grip on my arm long before there was enough weight behind it to spin me around to face him. I stumbled on my heels and righted myself with a grace I could only attribute to my determination. I was on a mission, and there was very little that was going to be able to stop me.
“Cass, you need to stop and think.”
“Think about what, Damon? The fact that I just gave up my family for something that turned out to be a load of bullshit? Or should I think about how I was set up and put into a situation I would never have agreed to? How barbaric an arranged marriage really is? How my free will was stolen from me the moment he brought that man into the palace? Please tell me what I’m supposed to think about, because for me, it’s very clear and I don’t need to do any more thinking.”
Damon looked around him before planting his shoulder in my stomach and picking me up. He moved quickly, even while I was using his spine as a prop to right myself. Dumping me on my feet in a corridor hidden behind one of the tapestries of the golden griffin, he pushed me up against the wall roughly. I fought against him, stepping toward the entrance again, my anger lending me strength. He was prepared for it this time. Wrapping his hand around my forearm, Damon slammed me against the wall again and caged me in with his arms. His eyes were wild, and filled with something I couldn't quite place.
“Let me go, Damon,” I hissed between my teeth.
“No, Cass. You will stay here and you will listen to me.” He growled, making some of the irrationality slip away. For a second I was stunned into silence, but it appeared even his caveman display wasn’t enough to completely shut me down, even if my stomach did fill with a thousand butterflies that seemed to be looking for an exit.
“Why? Why should I listen? There's no explanation for this other than the obvious one. My father set me up for an arranged marriage when he knew I wouldn't agree to it. Not just that, but he tried to hide it from me in the hopes that I would come to like this guy on my own terms. Who does that?”
“You are the Princess of Mortisali. Do you honestly believe that any princess really has a choice in who they're paired with? I know this world is different from yours. I know it takes a lot of getting used to, but you will get used to it, because one day, you're going to be queen.”
“Not if it comes with this price, I won’t,” I seethed, watching the surprise register behind his eyes.
“What price? You haven’t even met the guy.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Why, Cass?” he demanded, one of his palms slapping the wall by my head. I flinched, unsure I was going to say anything at all until he growled my name and the words tumbled out.
“He's not you!” I spat, regretting the words the moment they were free.
Bowing my head, I leaned the crown of it against his chest as I struggled to find my breath and my dignity. My chest cleaved in oxygen as best it could, but it was useless – there was no air to be found. My eyes closed as I waited for him to walk away with disgust – to tell me that I was barking up the wrong tree and living in a fantasy world, or at the very least that I was a fool. Anything would have been better than this agonizing silence that lingered between us. It was like a weight dragging me under and drowning me in my own doubts. It physically hurt to think about, but I needed him to confirm what I'd always thought. I needed anything but this ringing silence that did nothing except remind me how much I’d already sacrificed and lost for this prophecy. I couldn’t lose him, too, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need some kind of response. I needed the rejection to come so I could apologize for my stupidity and move past it.
The rejection never came.
Instead, Damon’s hand cupped the back of my neck and his chest rose and fell with stuttered breaths. The warm breeze washed over my shoulders, moving the curls that still hung there a little worse for wear. This silence was worse than him laughing at me. I was frozen, my body pressed against his, totally ashamed of my own weakness.
“Cass–”
“Don't,” I mumbled, trying to find the strength to look at him. He'd already caught me off guard once tonight. I couldn't look up into his eyes and see something I wouldn't ever live down. Something like pity, or disbelief. Not tonight. Not after the day I’d had. I’d been attracted to Damon since we’d been children. Having a definitive answer that everything I’d ever felt was officially unrequited was probably only going to crush me, because I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for me to drop this attraction I had for him.
“Please, listen to me,” he implored. His voice was softer than I had imagined it could ever be. He was letting me down easy. If I weren’t on the verge of a complete mental breakdown, I probably would have laughed.
“I can't, Damon. I know what you're going to say. It’s the only thing you can say, but I don't think I can take the rejection right now. I know you don't feel the same way about me… I know you couldn't possibly want me, too, but I don't need a lecture on how inappropriate my feelings are.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he whispered into my ear, his breath a warm embrace sending a shiver down my spine. The hand that was still squeezing my neck tilted my head up so I was looking at him. Pain was like a flash of white light in his eyes. His brow was creased with disbelief and his mouth was a straight line, filled with something I couldn't even afford to hope for.
“I know you couldn't possibly feel the same way, but you were never meant to find out, Damon, and certainly not like this, when I’m hurt and angry.” I sighed, the tears building in my chest and once again stealing the breath I had fought to consume.
“Cass…” He sighed, his forehead coming against mine, letting our breaths mingle and dance together.
There were no words for how much I wished to close the intolerable distance between us, but I knew it would change everything. I wanted him to pull the Band-Aid off and tell me to grow up and move on. Instead, he brushed my cheek with his thumb and continued on.
“I shouldn't be saying this. By the Gods, I should walk away now before I make a huge mistake and complicate it all further, but you have to know that I feel the same way about you. I thought you knew. Every time you're close, I feel you. Every time I touch you, I feel more alive than I ever have in my life. But this can never happen. We can never happen. What I feel about you changes nothing. It just complicates it all the more, but I can't stand you thinking I don't feel the same way about you. You have to live to fulfill your destiny and I'm not a part of that. I can't be. You’re so much more than I can ever be. You’re going to change the world.”
My heart soared from my chest and shattered all at the same moment. The pain was like a knife breaking my skin in a slow burning motion. It was deep within me, spreading through my body like grief at the loss of a loved one. He felt the same way. He wanted me. Yet it changed nothing.
Knowing what he felt, knowing that he'd wanted me just as much as I'd wanted him all this time had given me hope for a fleeting second. Then it all came crashing down around me. Because of who I was and the fate that was laid out for me, I could never be with the man I loved. All of the feelings that had been held inside of me from our childhood had blossomed into this extraordinary need for him, only to find out that it was just another thing my destiny had stolen from me.
“Cass, please say something.”
�
��I finally found you again. This time I can even be close enough to touch you and feel your warmth, but it's tainted by the reality that I can never have you. How is that fair? How am I supposed to fulfill this prophecy when all I can think about is you?”
“You can't think like that,” he whispered, his head shaking against mine. “If this is ever discovered, I will be reassigned. If nothing else, I have to have you close. I have to know you’re safe. I can rein in my jealousy, I can, but I just can't not see you.”
“Oh God, Damon.” I didn’t think loving someone could physically hurt, but as I stood there, pressed against the wall by his body, his warm breath bathing every inch of exposed skin it could reach, I felt it. I felt the stabbing brutality of a love I wasn’t allowed to have, and I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to survive.
Damon’s confession changed everything. With every touch shared between us, there would always be something lingering under the surface. Every flip, hit and kick in training would be charged with emotion and the need to leave the connection lingering between us. If I’d wanted him before – if I’d longed for his contact – it was nothing compared to how it would be now he knew the truth, now that I knew what it was to feel that reciprocated. Every brush of his fingers against my skin had it pebbling in its wake, a rush of breath falling from my lips as the craving for more poured out of me.
As unfair as it was, I was willing him to see the pleading in my eyes.
Damon saw what I was asking for, but he was the one with his feet firmly planted in reality while I was already six feet from the ground, lost in a daydream of what we could have together.
“I know, Cass, but we have to act as though this never happened. You can't go to the king kicking and screaming, either. You need to be diplomatic about what your father is going to ask of you.”
“What if I told him I don't want this? That I don't want to be the heir to his throne, or be part of this stupid prophecy?”
“Then I would never see you. The king wouldn't be as willing to risk you in this dimension and I would have no reason to guard you.”
I wasn’t sure that was accurate. I wasn’t just a princess. I was a daughter as well, and I knew the king loved me enough to see the distinction. He would never abandon me because I chose a different path. I understood that Damon was trying to help me see my irrationality, but I suspected some of those fears were his own. Maybe the king would disown him, but he was too afraid to say it. Either way, it didn’t leave us with much hope.
“I hate this. I hate it.”
Damon pulled me against him, the warmth of his body evident through the dress I was wearing. I breathed him in, memorizing how this felt because I knew it was the only time I would ever be allowed to have this with any level of intimacy. We may have felt the same way, but Damon was right. It would never be allowed. At least staying would keep me close to him, which was enough for me. It had to be.
“Do you still want to talk to the King?” he asked quietly, the vibrations of his voice working their way through me. I had no words to describe how it felt to be that close to him. It was just unfortunate that there were bigger issues at hand to deal with.
“Not tonight.” I sighed, stepping back against the wall and looking up at him. Even if I weren’t in love with Damon, I would still have protested an arranged marriage. I just needed to talk to the king rationally, rather than have a tantrum. “I'm still too angry to talk to him.”
“I’ll send someone to let him know you’re not well or something,” Damon said, his body starting to push away from mine. Desperation had me reaching out and pulling him close again, my greediness and need to be near to him overshadowing everything else.
“Don’t go.”
“The longer you keep him waiting, the more he’ll suspect something.” Damon brushed the back of his hand down my neck reverently, like now that he knew how I felt, he was taking every opportunity he could to touch me and commit me to memory. Being wanted was a powerful feeling, addictive even.
“Will you cover for me tomorrow? Tell him I'm sick or something?” I begged, turning my head a little so I could feel his breath on my cheek.
“Is that really a good idea?”
“Do you honestly think it's a good idea for me to be in the same room as him, knowing what I do? I need time to cool off, Damon. I can't look him in the eyes knowing what I do without blowing up. If I see him tomorrow, all of this will come back and who knows what will spill out of these lips? “
“I understand.”
“Will you come and see me?” I asked. When I was at the farmhouse, he normally stayed in Mortisali to take care of his business there. He was still a guard and he still had duties to attend to. I didn’t like to bother him, but after the night’s revelations, I couldn’t stand being away from him for long.
“Tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I answered eagerly.
He took a step back but brushed my hair over my shoulder, his fingers lingering on my neck. “I'll try.”
It wasn’t a yes, but it was most definitely better than a no. Now all I had to do was figure out a way out of an arranged marriage and hope that I wasn’t thrown out on my ass. If there was going to be a test on my relationship with my father, it appeared this would be it. I just wished it had been something a little easier, because if he was as stubborn as me… This could and would end badly.
Facing Reality
“Absolutely not.”
My plan to stay away from my father and the palace had worked for all of two days. Two glorious days of stolen touches and whispered confessions of attraction with the man I was impossibly beginning to love more. I hadn’t stepped foot in Mortisali once since I’d left that small corridor with Damon, and we’d only spent long enough apart to sleep and for Damon to check in with Alec, his commander, and my father to tell him I was well. We’d walked for hours on end with Mina and Edme, our arms brushing together as we’d gravitated toward one another. I hadn’t trained, I hadn’t run, and I hadn’t been in the barn to lift weights since our moment together in that small, private passage in the palace. My time with him was precious, even if we had behaved platonically. We’d only held hands once, and we were so far out in the middle of a small forest that there was no possibility anyone could have seen us.
The only thing that interrupted my time with Damon was the thought of my father and the impossible task he was about to ask of me. The moment I opened my eyes at the first sign of light on the third day, I dressed and snuck over to Mortisali. Everyone else was asleep, but I knew the king would be up. I was starting to think the man never actually slept.
Falling into the seat across from him, I crossed my arms like a petulant child. He’d kept me waiting for almost two hours before he’d squeezed me in for this meeting, which really hadn’t done much to improve my foul mood. My tantrum was, admittedly, a little awkward considering we were still getting to know one another, but I was sticking to my guns, something that would have been much easier if Alec hadn't been standing behind him, his intense and unreadable gaze moving in my direction. The acknowledgement of my presence seldom happened. Alec spent most of his time trying to blend into the background, and he generally succeeded, so I braced myself for the reprimand from Alec.
“Cassandra...”
Not that I was going to let it get that far. I wasn’t a doormat anymore. Having waited so long, I’d steeled myself against any possible argument they could throw at me.
“No. I'm sorry. I have been trying hard to make this all work. I’ve said goodbye to my family and I really want it to go smoothly, but I have to draw the line somewhere. This is archaic. Arranged marriages, really?”
The king sat back in his seat and steepled his fingers. He was more than aware that I had been told the story about his past. I knew that he had fallen in love with my mother and wanted to marry her rather than the woman he was set up with. By asking me to do the very thing he himself had been reluctant to do, he was being a hypocrite. As the silent accusations
filtered between us I could see the lines around his eyes deepening as he thought it through. I honestly thought I'd won the battle until Alec leaned forward in one smooth, stiff motion and whispered directly into my father’s ear.
Unsure of what was unfolding, I watched them both carefully, more than aware that this was unprecedented. Alec was a proud man. He was commander of the guard, and he was damn good at it. Most of the time, I forgot he was even there. He sure as hell didn't offer council unless expressly asked by my father. Whatever he'd just said was obviously a surprise to the king as much as it was to me. His eyes widened, head turning to the side to catch his personal guard's gaze.
“Why?” my father demanded.
“Do you trust me, Your Majesty?” Alec asked, his large body bowed at the waist, his eyes slightly averted in a sign of respect.
I leaned forward in my chair as the two men had an almost silent conversation around me. It didn't give me much confidence that the two of them had lowered their voices, or that they were communicating with looks and gestures. Working so closely with my father for the past couple of months had given me open access to the inner workings of the court. This was the first time people had whispered around me since I'd agreed to start training.
“You will take two extra guards with you, and you will not compromise my daughter’s safety. Do I make myself clear?”
My glance moved curiously between the two men. Closing his eyes, Alec bowed his head in response and respect, the calm mask still in place. The king had apparently bestowed him with quite an honor, and it was obvious Alec wouldn't be taking it lightly, which meant I would be kept close and under watchful eyes.