"Not a Lava-Lout," pronounced Stoick with relief.
"But if not a Lava-Lout, then who are you?"
The Man looked extremely surprised.
"What do you mean ... WHO AM I?" said the
Man. "I'm HUMUNGOUSLY HOTSHOT, of course..."
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Humungously Hotshot was one of the greatest Viking Heroes of recent times, who had completed such great Quests as "the Slaying of the Rude Rippers" and "the Fetching of the Weird Stone." He had completely disappeared without a trace fifteen years before, and everybody had rather assumed he was dead, which was an occupational hazard of being a great Viking Hero.
"No! Not Humungously Hotshot the Hero!" stammered Stoick the Vast in awe.
Suddenly, Stoick was rather aware of the fact that he was standing in front of one of the greatest Heroes of the Age, dressed only in a pair of hairy knickers and one rather ancient blue sock.
He sucked in his tummy, and tried to look his most dignified and Chiefly.
"But we all thought you were dead!"
"Yes, well," said Humungous, frowning bitterly. "I was on this Hero Quest in Lava-Lout territories and got caught red-handed by those Snakes-in-Helmets, the Lava-Louts. They slung me into one of their Jail-Forges, and so I've spent the last fifteen years underground forging swords for them. Which is why I'm wearing one of their Lava-Lout Fire Suits. It's made out of dragon skin, which means it's totally fireproof."
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"They're evilly clever, those Lava-Louts," said Stoick the Vast, shaking his head. "How, by the great Hairy Thumbnails of Thor, did you ever escape?"
"Oh, I didn't escape," explained Humungous. "NOBODY escapes from the Lava-Louts. They evacuated the island. The Exterminators were hatching."
"What ARE Extermi-whateveryousaid?" said Stoick. "I've never heard of them before."
"Exterminators are the Creatures who've made this little mess here," explained Humungous, waving a hand at the scene of scorched devastation and fiery chaos behind him. "They haven't been seen around these parts for centuries because their Eggs can only be hatched by the gases and lava given off by an exploding volcano. The Volcano on Lava-Lout Island has been grumbling away for a while now, getting ready for a really Massive Explosion, and when it does, all the Exterminator Eggs will hatch."
"So you're saying they were EXTERMINATORS that attacked us just now?" asked Hiccup.
"That's right, I'd say about six small ones, baby Exterminators, you know, they were quite sweet really," answered Humungous cheerily.
"And how many Exterminator Eggs are there left on Lava-Lout Island?" asked Hiccup.
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LEARNING TO SPEAK DRAGONESE AT BEDTIME
Dragon: Toothless ava z-z-zuzzspook,
Toothless uptime SNIP-SNAP.
Toothless had a nightmare. Toothless get up RIGHT NOW.
You: (sleepily) May is di middling o di
Zuzztime!
But it's the middle of the night!
PAUSE
You (warningly): Na flicka-fiame di sieepysiab, Toothless, NA FLICKA-FLAME DI SLEEPY-SLAB! NA FLICKAFLAMEOH, Toothless!
Don't set fire to the bed, Toothless, DON'T SET FIRE TO THE BED! DON'T SET FIRE TO THE - OH , TOOTHLESS!
Dragon (delightedly): Hiccup izzup!
Hiccup izzup! Hiccup tickla wit-Toothless?
Hiccup is up! Hiccup is up! Will you play with me?
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"Oh ... no more than about nine hundred thousand, I'd say," Humungous said, nodding.
"All of this reminds me, I am in a bit of a hurry to get out of here. I'm so sorry to leave ... you've all been so kind ... and if I were you, I'd leave too, and pretty quickly. You don't want to be around when they hatch."
"What are you talking about?" bellowed Stoick. "LEAVE? There's no question of leaving. This is our HOME. The Archipelago has been home to the Barbarians ever since Great Hairybottom, the First Barbarian of all, got off his ship and sank into the bog right up to his thigh ... He lost his boot on that occasion ... They never found it again ... And that was when he said those immortal words --"
"There will be barbarians in the Archipelago for as long as my boot is in that bog.'" Hiccup finished up the story, for he had heard it before. "Yes, Father, I know, Father, but AT THE TIME Great Hairybottom didn't have NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND Exterminator dragons about to fly down on the island and turn it into desert."
"That's not SO many," roared Stoick the Vast. "And they're only dragons, after all. We shall STAY, and we shall FIGHT! I shall bring it up at the meeting
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of The Thing* which is in a week's time on Sun'sday Sunday, so that we can prepare to join together, and arm ourselves for the Battle to come.
"Oh how I wish your darling mother was with us now," sighed Stoick.
Hiccup's mother Valhallarama was a truly magnificent Warrior, but she was off Questing again.
"My little muscly sweetheart would CRUSH those Extermi-thingummys with one flick of her plaits," said Stoick.
"WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES!" he yelled. "WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE BRACKEN. "WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THOSE BOGGY MARSHY BITS THAT ARE SO DIFFICULT TO WALK THROUGH WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SHOES! WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!"
And then he broke into a rousing rendition of "Rule Barbaria! Barbarians Rule the Waves," and every single Hooligan stood up straight and proud, and singing out the chorus at the top of their lungs while performing the Hooligan salute.
*The Thing was a meeting of all the local Tribes.
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WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES!
WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE BRACKEN!
WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THOSE BOGGY MARSHY BITS THAT ARE SO DIFFICULT TO LOSING YOUR SHOES!
WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!
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For a nation that spent a great deal of time fighting, burgling, and ransacking, the Hooligans were a surprisingly musical lot. It was a shock to hear these ruffianly characters open their mouths, and the proud words come ringing out, pure and true, in perfect tune with each other, and in deep and gorgeous contrast to the scene of smoky devastation going on behind them.
Humungously Hotshot got up to go. He shook Stoick warmly by the hand. "I must say," said Humungous, "I think the clever thing to do would be to get out of here as fast as is humanly possible. But I have got to admire your suicidal bravery, mad and completely pointless as it is. Good luck, everybody!"
"Won't you stay and fight with us?" pressed Stoick the Vast. "A great Hero like yourself would be a tremendous help."
"Well, I think now I'm more of an Ex-Hero," repeated Humungous. "I'm just a Sword-for-Hire. No, I've had it with lost causes. It's all about ME, ME, ME from now on. But I do just have one last thing to do before I shoot off as far away from this doomed Archipelago as I can get. Could you possibly point me in the direction of the little Island of Berk?"
Stoick the Vast's face broke into a broad grin.
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"But my dear Humungous!" he exclaimed. "This IS the Isle of Berk!"
Humungously Hotshot's jaw dropped.
"No!" he said. "Then you must be... you must be ..."
"Chief Stoick the Vast!" cried Stoick the Vast.
"Really?" gasped Humungous, very politely NOT asking the question, And do you ALWAYS prance around the mountainside dressed only in knickers and one blue sock?
"And this is your son?" Humungous pointed at Hiccup.
"HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK THE THIRD!" roared Stoick the Vast proudly.
Humungous seemed to find this difficult to take in.
"THIS is Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third?"
Humungous turned to Stoick. "You know, Stoick, I've changed my mind. I think I will hang around here for a while, after all."
"Wonderful!" boomed Stoick. "I think you said your new profession was a Sword-for-Hire?"
"That's right," said Humungous.
"Well, I've been looking," said Stoick thoughtfully, "for a Bardiguard for my son, Hiccup.
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[Image: A man]
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You should be good at Bardiguarding, having once been a Hero."
A Bardiguard was a bodyguard for the Heir to a Viking Chief.
Like a Hero, you were expected to be more than just a magnificent Warrior.
You had to be a complete all-rounder, good-looking, musical, handy on the harp, and just as good with the spear as you were with the axe. And you had to be a great teacher as well, because you were supposed to be instructing the young Heir in all these skills.
"How's your weapon-work?" asked Stoick.
For answer, Humungous drew his axe from his belt so quickly and so gracefully that Stoick didn't even see his hands move. He threw it sizzling through the air in such a way that it cut off one of Nobber Nobrains's plaits and then boomeranged back into Humungous's hand again, where he twiddled it twice around his wrist, balanced it for a moment on his elbow, and somersaulted it back into his belt again.
The Hooligans oooohed with pleasure. There was nothing they enjoyed more than really good weapon-work. "WOW!" gasped Stoick.
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This man was cooler than a cat twirling his whiskers on a freshly frozen iceberg.
"Oh, that was nothing," said Humungous, sighing. "In my younger days I could have done it with my eyes shut."
"DON'T TRY IT," growled Nobber Nobrains warningly.
"And I presume you're as good with everything else?" asked Stoick.
For answer, Humungous drew out his bow and arrow.
"You see that boy with the skull tattoos?"
Humungous pointed out Snotlout, who was standing some distance away chatting with Dogsbreath the Duhbrain and picking his nose. Humungous let fly his arrow, and Snotlout fell backward with a short cry.
"My son!" exclaimed Baggybum the Beerbelly.
Humungous held up a humungous yet elegant hand.
"There is absolutely no cause for alarm, my dear sir. I think you will find that your son is completely unharmed. I have simply removed the booger from his nostril."
It was so. It had all happened so quickly, Snotlout
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just assumed he had been stung by a wasp, and went on talking to Dogsbreath, his nose booger-free.
"But that's impossible!" stammered Stoick.
"Child's play," said Humungous, shaking his head. "The boy's nostrils are the largest I have ever seen."
"And skiing? Dragon riding? Bashyball skills?" asked Stoick.
"Nothing to what they were in my prime," said Humungous sadly, "but still tip-top, A-Grade, first-class. Us Ex-Heroes don't do mediocre."
"Is it just me, " whispered Fishlegs, "or is this guy really rather irritating?"
"It's just you," said Hiccup, gazing at Humungous in total admiration.
"And harping?" asked Stoick. "I am just assuming, with that magnificent waistline of yours, that you can sing a splendiferous Saga?"
"Once there was a lady," sighed Humungous sadly, "who claimed she would have DIED for my singing. Singing was my specialty, but NO MORE. Fifteen years working in those Jail-Forges, and my voice is completely broken. The gold dust crept into my lungs, the heat burned out my voice box. And worst of all, I have lost the will, the heart, the desire to do it... I will NEVER sing again."
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HEROIC SWORDFIGHTING TIPS
[Image: The old "I do it better blind forded feel-the-Force" trick.]
[Image: The Hypnotizing Switchers make sure you do not confuse your RSELF.]
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HEROIC SWORDFIGHTING TIPS
[Image: The Flask-kick with-thrust chin gummy]
[Image: Do be careful of your BACK Remember: you are not as young as you were.]
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"That's a shame," said Stoick, "I do love a nice singsong. Never mind. In every other way you seem perfect for the job. Will you be my son's Bardiguard? I will pay you handsomely."
"I accept the post with pleasure," said Humungous immediately. "I'm saving up to buy a little farm somewhere quiet and out the way."
"Excellent!" smiled Stoick the Vast. And Stoick bustled off to call a meeting of the local Tribes, so he could form a War Party to fight the Exterminators.
"Will you teach me that Flash-thrust with twist thingy that you did in the Fire?" asked Hiccup, looking delightedly up at Humungous.
"Of course," said his new Bardiguard, who was busy sharpening his sword.
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6. HICCUP'S BARDIGUARD HAS A BUSY TIME
Stoick rather regretted hiring Humungous over the next couple of weeks.
Everybody, including Hiccup, seemed to think he was absolutely marvelous. He autographed axes, spears, favorite dragons, even Baggybum's famous beerbelly
"Even his WRITING is humungously cool," sighed Baggybum, gazing down at the stylish scrawl on his tummy. "I'll never wash again ..."
"Did you ever?" grunted Stoick, thinking, Who does this Humungous guy think he IS?
And that was the other thing.
Everybody normally followed Stoick's lead where it came to fashion.
That meant the beard was worn au naturel, in a tremendous tangly mess the size of a large and complicated bird's nest that had recently been attacked by a weasel.
The whole was then decorated with a lavish sprinkling of food droppings.
Suddenly, everybody was appearing with their
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[Image: Gobber's beard had turned with a not of ringlets... overnight...]
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[Image: The Vicious Twins has been polis hang chew helmets candid they sparkled.]
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beards immaculately groomed, just like Humungous's, and the ends of the moustaches elaborately twiddled and coaxed in pretty little curls. And Stoick strongly suspected they were WASHING, not to mention doing up their shirt buttons, and polishing their helmets till they shone.
"What have you done to your beard?" Stoick demanded of a rather guilty-looking Gobber, whose haystack had turned into a riot of ringlets overnight.
Gobber blushed.
"Oh this ..." said Gobber carelessly. "It's just the latest fashion, you know ... more HEROIC ... Everybody's doing it."
"Well, you all look ridiculous," blustered Stoick.
But what he found by far the most difficult part of the whole Bardiguard business, was that Hiccup seemed to look up to Humungous so much. It was all "Humungous this" and "Humungous that" nowadays.
Indeed, Hiccup did admire Humungous.
Here was a Hero a cut above the usual uncouth Barbarian. His fighting wasn't just the usual loutish bonking on the head, but stylish, elegant, graceful.
He taught Hiccup the Flash-thrust-with-twist thingummy, and showed him how to tie an opponent
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into elaborate and beautiful knots, while at the same time courteously inquiring about the state of their health.
But Humungous was causing Hiccup the odd little difficulty, not his fault, of course, but there it was.
Hiccup's general practice on the Pirate Training Program was to try and blend into the background and hope that nobody noticed him. But this is difficult if an exceptionally good-looking six-foot-seven internationally renowned Hero is following two steps behind you with his sword drawn and shouting out, "MAKE WAY FOR
HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK THE THIRD, ONLY SON OF THE CHIEF!"
And there were other problems.
Gobber allowed the boys a bit of time off to recover from their Herding-Reindeer-on-Dragonback lesson, and then it was back to the normal Program a day or so later, and an Axe-fighting-with-Art lesson.
The strange weather had, if anything, gotten even hotter. How hot could it get? It was like standing in the middle of an oven.
The boys stood in a straggly line in front of Gobber, scratching their bottoms and sweating profusely. Above them towered Huge Hill, like a bad omen, its
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lower half alive with trees and ferns, its upper half a scalded desert, as bald and nude as Gobber's sti
ll-helmetless-and-now-very-sunburned head.
When Gobber the Belch asked for volunteers to fight Snotface Snotlout, there was a stony silence among the boys. Snotlout was horribly good at Axe-fighting, and he was a terrible cheat who tended to kick you in the ankles with his specially sharpened sandals when Gobber wasn't looking.
So imagine Hiccup's horror when Humungous stepped forward, shouting out, "I VOLUNTEER HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK THE THIRD, ONLY SON OF CHIEF STOICK THE VAST, 0 HEAR HIS NAME AND TREMBLE, UGH UGH!"
"SShhhhhh ..." begged Hiccup. "Please ... pipe down..."
"Excellent idea!" bellowed Gobber happily. "Hiccup is fighting Snotlout, then."
"Oh, for Thor's sake," groaned Hiccup miserably.
"What did you do that for?" hissed Fishlegs. "You're his Bardiguard, you're supposed to be looking after him, not serving him up to his enemies on a plate..."
"What are you talking about?" said Humungous
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in surprise. "He's the son of a CHIEF, the hot fighting blood of the Horrendous Haddocks runs raging through his veins, he could take this guy Snotlout with one FLICK of his regal fingernails ..."
"I don't know if you've noticed," said Fishlegs, "but Snotlout is nearly twice his size, he's as mean as a hornet with a grudge, and he HATES Hiccup."
"Oh, I do," grinned Snotlout, cracking his knuckles.
Snotlout happened to be the son of Baggybum the Beerbelly, who was Stoick the Vast's brother. This meant that if something were to happen to Hiccup, some tragic accident say, the next in line to the throne would be Snotface Snotlout.
Snotlout thought that he would make an EXCELLENT Chief of the Hairy Hooligan Tribe.
How to Twist a Dragon's Tale (Hiccup) Page 4