by S. J. Sylvis
“No. Pick something different. I’d rather stand up in the middle of English Prep and apologize to everyone I’ve ever been a bitch to rather than do that.”
“Hmm,” I hummed, feeling mischievous. “How about this? If I win, you have to tell me why you’re so afraid of your own father.”
I swore, every single noise outside stopped. There were no crickets chirping. No rustling of the wind. The world very well could have stopped spinning. Madeline was frozen in her spot. Her eyes were like saucers, and her glossy lips fell apart as she sucked in oxygen. She redeemed herself quickly, snapping that mouth closed and crowding her perfectly arched eyebrows together. But I saw it. I saw how shaken she was.
“Who said I was afraid of my father?”
I tipped my chin, erasing the space between us. “You really think you can hide from me, Madeline? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I’m the only person on this planet who truly knows what lies beneath all the fake beauty.” I glanced at her glossed lips and back up to her horrified expression.
“You don’t know me like you think, Eric.” Her words were laced with venom. It was cute that she thought she had an upper hand with me.
I chuckled, gripping the basketball so hard I thought it might combust. “That’s where you’re wrong, Maddie. Don’t act like you’ve forgotten each and every time we caught each other staring over the last few years. Don’t act like you didn’t notice when I was glaring at you as you sucked on my best friend’s neck, leaving those stupid fucking hickies as a reminder that you were his.” Madeline’s chest rose and stayed that way as if she couldn’t even take a breath. “Do you know that every single time you laughed, it sounded like nails dragging against a chalkboard to my ears? Because guess what?” I took a step closer to her, the basketball the only thing separating our bodies. “I’ll never forget the way your real laugh sounds. When was the last time you truly laughed?”
This got way too deep, way too fast. Why was it always like this between us? Things could never be left unsaid; shit couldn’t be left untouched. I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to help her get back to that girl I once looked forward to seeing every single morning.
Madeline finally spoke, staring directly into my eyes without an ounce of her earlier anger. “I don’t want to tell my mom, and I can’t tell my father. Under no circumstances can he find out.”
I lifted my head in question, but instead of asking any more—because it was completely redundant at this point—I took a step back and held the ball out to her. “Then I guess you better win, huh?”
It took her a moment, but she snatched the ball away quickly and went to our original starting spot. She shot me a glare as she started dribbling the ball, her small hand slapping the leather.
I had to turn around so she wouldn’t see me smiling like a fucking fool.
Things were definitely about to get interesting.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Madeline
There he was with his glorious, yet annoying smirk slanted in my direction. Eric stood with his hands on his hips, his sturdy chest expanding quickly even with his top-notch endurance, the moon and stars both gleaming behind his body, outlining him in the way my heart wanted to see in real life, instead of in this weird, fantasy-like bubble we were currently in.
He was glowing, happiness evident on his flushed cheeks. A bead of sweat was dripping down over the edge of his straight jaw, falling to the concrete below.
I was buzzing with memories that I’d pretended never existed. The sound of a basketball slapping on the concrete driveway, the smell of the cool night sky, so fresh and invigorating, the familiar look in Eric’s eye when he’d snatch the ball away from me and make a one-pointer. It was almost too much for me to handle.
If there was one thing I was good at, it was turning off my feelings. I was good at making people hate me.
But I didn’t want him to hate me anymore.
It took years of acting like Eric meant absolutely nothing to me to really believe it. It was easy when I thought he hated me. But standing in his driveway, dashing out of his grip and watching the basketball cascade through the air and into a hoop…it was hard to get my heart to play along. It was hard to remember why I had pushed him and everyone else away in the first place.
A gush of warm air fluttered around me as Eric was back, trying to slap the bouncing ball out of my hands. “We’re tied, Maddie. One more point and I win.”
His large hand quickly jolted forward, and I spun around with an excited squeal. “You’re right,” I said breathlessly, “but that also means one more point and I win, too.”
My back was to Eric as I continued dribbling the ball in front of me. It was funny how being alone with him, doing something so harmless, could make me forget about all the bad that had happened. My heart was beating with freedom, a flutter dancing throughout my lower belly, my lips tingling as my cheeks burned from a smile.
“Knock it off, Madeline,” he whispered into my ear, jolting his hand out again. I may have been smaller than him, but I was also a lot faster.
“Knock what off?” I asked with fake innocence, feeling brazen with him behind me.
I yelped when both of his hands fell on my hips, holding me in place. A breath was stuck in my throat, and a skitter of juicy anticipation flushed my skin. His warm breath tickled my ear. “I know you’re using this tight little ass as a weapon, just like you used that pouty mouth a few weeks ago at the frat party.”
A faint smile graced my lips. I hadn’t even realized what I was doing, but he was right. I was rubbing on him as he stood behind me, and I was pretty certain it was because I wasn’t stuck inside my head for once.
“I’m immune to your tactics. It’s not going to work.” His hands gripped me harder, but he didn’t move.
I was still feeling bold. Maybe a little high with ecstasy from being so close to him and feeling so free.
I smiled even wider and pushed myself back even harder. He groaned, his fingers digging into my skin. I tilted my head back, still holding the basketball. I met his steel-colored eyes. His pupils were dilated, and his jaw was taut. “Are you sure about that, Eric?”
One tilt of his head and he was gone within a second. I turned around quickly, only to freeze. Eric was standing there, looking at me like I was fucking prey. His mouth curved into a menacing smile, his inky hair framing his forehead, making him look like the villain. “Two can play that game, baby.”
Desire washed through my body. I shifted on my feet, squirming from the feeling. I felt alive with his eyes on me, and that was something I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again.
Eric reached underneath the hem of his shirt and tore it over his head within the blink of an eye.
I had to keep my face steady so I didn’t show just how much his bare chest enticed me. He was toned with round pecs sitting nicely above his washboard abs that slanted into that delicious V that led to the waistband of his pants.
He was dangerously attractive. So hot he made my mouth tingle.
Pushing my blonde hair over my shoulder, I clicked my tongue and played it cool. “I’ve seen better.”
Eric’s mouth fell before he threw his head back and laughed loudly. My cheeks rose even when I told them not to. Once he stopped laughing so hard, he shook his head and smiled at me. “You can’t lie to me, Madeline. I see right through you.”
My cheeks were still lifted as I stood back, staring at him with his half-crescent smile and gleaming eyes, and just like that, I was taken back to the past. I wasn’t staring at the boy who I’d hurt deeply and who hated me, but instead, I was staring at the boy who made my entire body sing, even as young as we were.
And the longer I stood and stared at Eric, the more it hurt. My smile fell swiftly, and I was suddenly met with a heart-stopping loss that was like a punch to my chest. My arms dropped, and the basketball slowly rolled to where he was standing. My throat burned as I forced the words out. I was treading lightly. My voice shook. �
�I…I am so sorry.”
I could barely see him as he walked toward me, too stuck in my spot with earlier memories assaulting me.
His feet stopped shuffling, and the surrounding air suddenly felt suffocating. The small brush of his hand tipped my head back, and I was at a complete loss for words. His eyes bounced between mine for far too long before he whispered, “I know.”
I swallowed back my emotions, my mouth suddenly very dry. “I hate myself for turning into this detached person. For pushing you away. For making you hate me.”
“You pushed everyone away…not just me.” His thumb caressed my cheek, and it took everything I had to keep my feet rooted to the ground instead of reaching up and kissing him. My lips felt like they were going to shrivel up and die if they didn’t touch his, and where that should have shut me down in every single way, it didn’t. Instead, it awakened me. It opened my eyes. What a stupid, stupid mistake I made.
“It was easier that way.”
“Why?” he asked softly, gazing down into my eyes just as deeply as I was gazing up at his.
The truth felt vile as it tumbled out, the vulnerability making me shudder. “Because if you don’t allow anyone to get close to you, then they can’t hurt you.”
His thumb grazed my bottom lip. “That’s not true. You and I have been strangers since the day you shut me out, but every day after, one look from you and the cut just went deeper. We were so far apart you could have stuck a continent in between us, and I’d still feel that pain and resentment. The hate.”
Suddenly, everything was closing in. My throat was tight. “I don’t want you to hate me anymore.” The words were no more than a whisper, and I was pretty sure I’d surprised us both by letting it out.
Eric’s voice was low, too. “What happened to you that was so bad you didn’t even want me on your side? Huh? It wasn’t the rape. Something else happened.” He shook his head, both of his hands now cupping my face. His need to fulfill this gaping hole of lingering confusion went deep. I could see it behind his eyes. He wanted me to let him in. “Tell me what made you like this. Tell me why you made me hate you. Why you made everyone hate you.”
The moment was right there.
The words on the very tip on my tongue.
My lips parted as my stomach rolled.
My breathing quickened as Eric’s finger laid over the pulse point in my neck. He had to have sensed my rising anxiety.
It all came down to one single moment that had me pushing him away, along with everyone else. I could tell him. I could tell him the truth. I could tell him about my dad. I could trust him.
Headlights caught my eye from the side, and as soon as Eric and I saw his mom pulling into the drive, we both immediately stepped apart. The distance between us broke the moment, the night air whooshing in and slicing it in half. I wrapped my arms around my torso and took a deep breath.
“Hey, you two!” Eric’s mom stepped out of her SUV in her blue scrubs and with a tired face, giving us both a warm smile. “Eric. Why is your shirt off? It’s not that warm out.”
I snuck a glance at him as he bent down to snatch his shirt from the ground. He pulled it over his head in one quick movement before giving me an unreadable look.
“Madeline, would you like to join us for dinner? I can order pizza. I didn’t know you’d be home tonight, hun.” She directed her last sentence at Eric. “You’re usually out on the weekends.”
“You know, that’s okay,” I said as I started stepping backwards. I didn’t stop until I got all the way to my front steps. “I’m feeling tired. Thank you for inviting me, though.” I quickly smiled before rushing up to my porch and shutting the door behind me. I slid down to my butt the second I was alone and banged my hand against my head.
What are you doing, Madeline?!
Being around Eric was a dangerous thing.
How stupid would I have been to put my trust in a boy who swore he hated me?
The next day went painfully slow, and the number of times I’d checked my phone to see if Eric had texted me was downright embarrassing. When did I become this needy girl who was all caught up in a guy? I almost gagged at the thought. But it was Eric. He snuck in my head and made me question every ounce of strength I had left.
I’d already given myself a talk as I lay in my bed all night long, getting minimal amounts of sleep—although, a little more now that I felt like Eric was watching out for me—about how to avoid the lingering question that he kept throwing my way.
He wanted to know why. He was starting to dig. The hate that laid between us seemed to be slowly dissipating at times.
I knew it was in my best interest to avoid him, but tell that to the desperate girl inside of me who forced me into putting on my best leggings and light-blue sweater that I knew looked great with my eyes, just in case I saw him tonight. I even graced my lips with cherry lip gloss and did my hair.
Absolutely pathetic and completely desperate.
“Madeline?”
My head turned toward my bedroom door as my mom called out. She walked in and glanced around the room for a moment before finding me at my desk.
“I’m going out, not sure when I’ll be home.” Same story. Different night. “What are you up to tonight?”
I sat back in my computer chair, closing my book. What was I up to? Staring at Eric’s house like the desperate loser that I now was. Will probably stalk social media and feel that tiny bit of resentment over the fact that everyone is having fun except for me. “Not sure,” I answered instead. “I’ll probably go out with friends.”
She smiled, pushing her glossy hair—same exact shade as mine—behind her shoulder. “Okay, then. Be careful.”
She went to turn around, but I stopped her. “I thought you said Dad was coming home soon.”
My mom paused with her back turned toward me. Her short red dress barely hit mid-thigh. “You know how it is. He comes home when he feels like it.”
And we mustn’t question it. The words were up in the air, like an unspoken sin we both hated so much but couldn’t seem to avoid. Except, something was stirring inside of me. It wasn’t anger. Not even resentment.
“Why?”
Her cheeks flinched as she turned around. “Why what?”
I swallowed, pulling my knees up to my chin before gaining courage. “Why are you still with him, Mom? You are so much more than just a pretty housewife. You could get a job; we could move away. Just you and me.”
Her expression softened, her thick mass of fake eyelashes fluttering against her cheeks. “It’s not that simple. And don’t forget, Madeline, he’s your father and he loves you.”
Love. What a corrupted word.
“You’re not supposed to be afraid of the people who love you, Mom.”
And that was how I knew every single relationship I’d ever had, friendship or not, wasn’t of real substance. Most of my “friends” feared me—they used to, anyway, until I lost my status at English Prep.
Her eyes dropped, her plump mouth curving into a frown. When she looked back up, I saw the fear lying there. The fear and the animosity.
I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how she could be so afraid of my father but still love him the way that she did. She bent over backwards to please him when he was home, only for him to hurt her in the end.
“One day, you’ll understand, Madeline. I promise.”
I had a hard time believing that, but I nodded anyway.
“I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay. Be careful.”
My mom looked wary of my warning, and I wanted to smack myself for saying it. But she turned around and left anyway. I got up from my chair and glanced at Eric’s. His light was turned off, his car no longer in the driveway.
I flopped on my bed and told myself it was better this way. Eric and I were dangerous territory. I was going to end up getting hurt, and if that was the case, then I’d just wasted my entire high-school existence protecting myself for no fucking reason.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Eric
I sat at the cabin, drumming my fingers against my leg to the music pounding through the speakers. It wasn’t my idea to have a party tonight, but I figured it was a good thing, considering last night I’d almost kissed Madeline into a frenzy until she spilled every dark truth that laid behind her pink lips.
Ollie and Christian were casually sitting on the couch beside me, watching their girlfriends beat a pair of beefy underclassmen at beer pong. I laughed when they’d send glares to the poor bastards playing against their girls, and I smiled when Piper and Hayley would jump up, yelling that they’d made a shot. But even through the motions, my head was someplace else.
Pulling out my phone, I typed a text to Madeline but then quickly erased it, shoving it back into my pocket. I ran a hand through my hair and leaned back onto the couch cushions again. I was going crazy wondering if her mom was bringing home another lay and if he was going to keep his hands to himself. I was infuriated that I kept circling back to that feeling of missing out on something—that something being Madeline.
When did the shift happen? When did I find myself wanting to see her instead of thriving in the midst of a notorious cabin party full of willing girls and alcohol? I’d somehow replaced those two vices with another, more potent one.
Fuck.
My mom was working tonight, so I wouldn’t be able to get updates on who was pulling into Madeline’s driveway. I’d given her just enough information on the nightmare that Madeline had last weekend for her not to question when I’d asked the favor. She smiled at me and said, “See. Protective. But yes, dear. I’ll make sure nothing suspicious goes on over there, although her mom has made quite a name for herself.”
Then, like clockwork, I felt like shit because I’d let it slip my mind for a split second that my dad fucked Madeline’s mom and my parents were likely about to get divorced over it. She still hadn’t brought that up, and I still hadn’t talked to my father. Because fuck him.