by Lora Leigh
Lilly could feel the wounds herself now, and they sliced to the bone.
“It must be because it’s your mother,” Travis stated as he moved into the room. “Anyone else and your tongue would have sliced them to the bone.”
She turned and stared back at him. “If you can’t respect your mother, you can’t respect yourself,” she said sadly. “I should have kept my mouth shut.”
Why hadn’t she? She used to. Lilly remembered that. The lectures were always lovingly tolerated. She had never snapped at her mother.
Travis shook his head, his hands settling on her shoulders. “She was wrong. Lady Victoria Lillian Harrington didn’t die six years ago.” His head lowered, and the ice that had been forming inside her began to melt. “Six years ago, she was reborn, and knowing the before and after, I have to say I much prefer the version in my arms now.”
His hand smoothed down her hair, his arms held her close. And Lilly realized that in the months since she had awakened with six lost years, no one had held her. No one had hugged her. And no one had said, “Welcome home.”
CHAPTER 13
SHE WAS GOING TO break his heart. Travis had never before seen such tormented emotion on Lilly’s face as when her mother had raged at her.
He’d seen concern in Angelica Harrington’s eyes at other times. He’d seen love on her face. She cared for her daughter, but not to the exclusion of her pride evidently. Or the exclusion of the paparazzi.
Holding Lilly close against him, he couldn’t help but wonder what the hell had truly happened that night in England at the fateful party when Lilly had lost everything important to her.
It had been by sheer luck that Noah had been outside that night and had seen the masked figures loading Lord Harrington and his daughter into the Harrington car.
They hadn’t been able to stop the assailants, and by the time Travis and Noah were able to catch up with them, the car had been flying off the cliff, the explosion ripping through the darkness.
The suspects had raced away, and attempting to save Lilly and her father had been more important than chasing after their murderers.
Hypnosis had gotten them nowhere with Lilly in her attempt to remember who killed her father. As her mother said, she was hardheaded, stubborn. She was willful, but she was a damned good woman and a hell of an agent. She was a woman that cared enough about injustice to fight against it.
“When I was younger, we dressed the same,” Lilly whispered against his chest. “My mother would have my dresses made to match hers for our shopping trips, luncheons. The Queen Mother once told me that I was the perfect lady, and that she was proud to know me.”
Travis bent his head over hers and held her tighter. There was such pain in her voice.
“Jared was always very jealous,” she said. “But he loved me. He and Father would take me hunting and riding with them. They allowed me to go on walks with them in the evenings. We were such a close family. Before Father died. Before I died.”
She pulled away from him and moved toward the bathroom. “I need a shower.”
“I have to connect with Nik tonight,” he told her. “Come with me.”
Surprisingly enough, she shook her head. “I need to shower.”
She needed to think, perhaps.
Travis didn’t want to leave her alone. He could see the emotions tearing through her, feel the tension inside her.
“Santos and Rhiannon met with you and Senator Stanton, Nik, and Noah Blake tonight as well as Jordan Malone,” she stated as she moved to the bathroom. “I was rather surprised that a senator would associate with two high-priced pimps.” She walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
Hell, how had she known about that meeting, and who else knew about it? Travis’s jaw tightened. Seconds later he pushed into the room while she adjusted the water in the shower.
Lilly turned to him, suspicion still roiling through her as she watched the set expression on his face.
“Why don’t you simply tell me what I need to know?” she asked, hearing the chill in her own voice.
She watched as he leaned against the counter, his eyes narrowed on her while the water ran full blast in the shower.
It would drown out any listening device, she knew. A murmur of voices might be heard, but not the actual words they were saying.
“What do you need to know?” He crossed his arms over his chest as he watched her, his gaze flickering over her body.
Mimicking his stance, she leaned back against the shower, crossed one ankle over the other, then crossed her arms beneath her breasts, deliberately plumping them out for him.
“Are you enemy or ally?” she asked.
His lips thinned. “Don’t ask me that question, Lilly,” he warned her softly.
Lilly shook her head as the tears finally flooded her eyes. “Who can I trust, Travis? Tell me who I can trust and I’ll go ask them my questions.”
She needed someone, oh God, someone she could trust to give her the answers she needed. She felt as though she were breaking apart inside. As though she had lost something so essential that a part of her was missing now and she didn’t know what to do without it.
He wiped his hand over his face as he breathed out roughly. “Lilly, you have to be patient.”
“Patience is going to get me killed,” she hissed furiously, shuddering at the knowledge that she had no idea how to watch her own back, or who to watch out for. “For God’s sake, Travis, someone has tried to kill me twice now, and that’s not counting six years ago when I disappeared. Someone tried to kill me then, and we both know it.”
His jaw tightened in fury. The knowledge was there in his eyes. She could see it.
“You know what happened the night Father died,” she whispered.
“I told you I knew you. You have that in the report your uncle paid for. We fought together plenty of times, Lilly. You’ve covered my back—”
“I’ve saved your ass.” The tears were clogging her voice now, fighting to be free. “I know I have.”
“And I’ve saved yours,” he agreed. “You already know this.”
“Why?” She just wanted the truth. That was all she wanted, and she knew she hadn’t gotten it yet. All she was hearing were half-truths and lies and she was tired of it. “Why did we save each other’s lives?” Her breathing hitched with the tears. “Tell me, Travis. Please, God, just tell me who I was.”
“You were Lilly. You still are Lilly.” But she was more, and she knew it.
“Are you my enemy or my ally?” she asked him again, feeling the pain, feeling a sense of betrayal tearing through her. “Tell me, Travis, which are you?”
“How much do you remember?”
“Pieces,” she whispered. “The safe house, the storage shed where I had my cycle parked, my weapons stored. I remember what I think are pieces of what had to be missions that don’t make sense yet. The memories are closer, Travis, I can feel them.”
“Why can’t you wait for them to return, Lilly?” he sighed heavily. “It would be so much easier for both of us.”
Her hand lifted, covered her lips. She had no idea how much longer she could hold back the tears, as the pain resounded through her.
“My brother turned his back on me,” she whispered, feeling her lips tremble. “He said I was nothing to him. I was no sister of his.” She shook her head, fighting against that memory. “My mother hasn’t hugged me. My aunts haven’t visited me. The people I knew as friends stare at me as though I’m some apparition that disgusts them.” She rubbed at her arms, breathed in roughly. “I changed my face, Travis. I changed even my eye color. Tell me why.”
She wasn’t going to cry, she told herself. She wasn’t going to allow the tears to fall, because if they did, then she might never stop.
“You’re my lover.” She shook her head slowly, desperation clawing inside her. “Can I even trust you?”
“You can trust me, Lilly.” There was a promise in his voice, there was sincerity and emo
tions she couldn’t define. But a part of her recognized an underlying warning as well. “You can trust me with your life.”
“Then tell me what I was. Tell me who I was,” she demanded roughly. “Stop stringing me along.”
“How did you know where your safe house was located?” he asked softly.
She licked her lips nervously as she shook her head. “I knew the memory was just there, as though it had never been lost.” Her shoulders lifted as she felt the confusion herself. “I don’t know how I knew, Travis. I just knew where it was.”
“You knew your weapons were missing earlier,” he pointed out. “How did you know?”
“I just knew,” she snapped. “I just remembered that they should be there.”
Lilly ran her fingers through her hair and clenched at the strands as though she could force the information out of her brain.
She wanted the information out. She wanted her memories back. She wanted her life back. She wanted to know who she was. Lilly or Lady Victoria Lillian Harrington. Which was she, and which life should she be living?
“What else do you just know?”
“Answer my question first,” she cried out. “Enemy or ally?”
“What the fuck are you doing, asking me that question?” The words tore from him furiously as he stepped quickly to her, grabbed her arms and jerked her against him. “Tell me that, Lilly. Why the hell are you fucking me if you don’t know whether I’m your friend or your enemy, your lover or your assassin?”
“Are you my assassin?” Her head shot back to stare into his furious gaze. “If you were my lover, my ally, you would give me the information I need to survive,” she argued, just as furious as he was now. “You wouldn’t lie to me, Travis, and I know you’re lying to me.”
“How? If you don’t remember anything, then you have no idea what is truth or lie, Lilly,” he snarled back at her. “Keep it that way, damn you. In this case, trust me, ignorance is truly bliss.”
“No…” Ignorance was going to get her killed, she could feel it.
She would have argued, but before she could get the words past her lips, he was kissing her again. He was always kissing her when there was something he didn’t want to deal with. He was always stealing her senses, her resolve, by throwing her into a maelstrom of pleasure that she couldn’t deny.
The pleasure was as fierce as ever, but the tears fell anyway. Silently, slowly, Travis felt the salty warmth against his lips, tasted it against his tongue.
Pulling back, he stared down at her still-too-innocent eyes, and watched as the pain built in her eyes, the tears dampened her face.
“God, Lilly,” he whispered. His thumbs ran beneath her eyes to wipe away the wetness as a small sob shuddered in her chest.
Leaning his forehead against hers, he stared down at her and breathed out heavily. “I can’t give you what you want. Not because I don’t want to. Because I won’t. I won’t risk you to that point.”
She had no idea how dangerous the information was that she wanted. There was a chance, a slim one in his opinion, but a chance that she could hold on to her life here.
The tears fell faster as she trembled in his arms, pain and confusion sweeping through her with a force that lanced his soul. “I’m going to die anyway, Travis. Whoever is determined to kill me will succeed eventually. Without the truth, I have no way of defending myself.”
She didn’t want to die. She wanted to live, to laugh, to love Travis. She wanted to hold on to him forever, but she wanted to know about the life she had lived, the enemies she had made.
She was vulnerable right now, and she knew it. She was too vulnerable.
“I won’t let anything happen to you.” His arms tightened around her, his hand pressing her head against his heart, where she wanted to stay forever.
“You can’t stop it.” She knew it. “There’s so much I don’t know, Travis. But I know I can protect myself.” She fought the wrenching sobs trying to tear from her body. “I know I can. Just as I know…” Her fingers dug into his flesh as she fought to hold on to him. “Just as I know you’re going to leave.”
She couldn’t hold on to him forever. Agony resonated through her at that realization. It was like a dagger, tearing holes in her heart, shredding her hopes. She was living day to day and she knew it, just as she knew she would be living a fool’s dream if she let herself believe otherwise.
“I won’t leave you in danger.” She could hear the promise in his voice. The sincerity.
“Unless you’re ordered to do so!” Anger was burning inside her along with the tears, tearing at her, driving a wedge through her soul and splitting it apart.
Jerking away from him, she swiped at the tears on her face before turning to face him. “Tell me who I was. Tell me what I was.”
Let me be able to trust him. The knot of hunger in her stomach was only building, the need to trust someone, anyone, was ripping her apart.
His nostrils flared as she watched the struggle on his face then.
“You’re asking me to sign your death warrant,” he finally said softly.
Lilly shook her head. “I’m asking you to save me, Travis. I can’t live like this. I can’t stumble around blindly any longer. I can’t live without trust, without someone to turn to, and I can’t live without understanding why I dream of blood and death and a fucking rifle in my hands that I know I’ll use to kill.” With each word her voice was rougher, more strained, the rage bleeding through until her fists were clenched, pressed into her stomach as she fought to hold back the agony resonating through her.
“Lilly Belle was trained to work with covert ops.” Travis’s voice was strained now, his gaze tormented. “You know that, Lilly, it was in the report provided by the investigator.”
“According to that report she was a high-priced call girl trained to protect herself and the agent she was fucking.” She sneered at him.
That hurt the worst. Knowing there was a chance, no matter what he said, that the world would see her as a whore. “Don’t lie to me,” she whispered as his lips parted. “I know I wasn’t a call girl. I know I wasn’t there to provide a little secure entertainment for whatever bullshit agent needed a friendly fuck at the time. But that’s how the world will see me if that report is revealed. At least give me the truth, allow me that much.”
“No, you weren’t.” He breathed in deeply, Travis raking his fingers through his hair and glancing at the water running in the shower.
“Then what was I?” Desperation clawed at her chest then. If she couldn’t trust Travis, then who could she trust?
He moved closer. “I am the only friend you have in this situation,” he warned her, his voice so dark now, so rough she flinched. “You have no other allies. You have no one else you can discuss this with, do you understand me, Lilly? To the bottom of your soul, understand me or you will die. You will die and there will be no way in hell I can save you.”
Her lips parted, fear and hope slamming through her now as she stared back at him, her gaze still hazy from the tears.
“I already knew that.” She tried to stop her lips from trembling. “I’ve known since the second I awoke in that hospital six months ago that every breath I draw could be my last.”
“Only if you fuck up,” he growled. “Only if I fuck up. Lilly Belle was a private contract agent that worked with a select group of agents both private and government. She wasn’t trained to fuck, Lilly. She was trained to provide a distraction or to back up operations. And you were one of the best.”
“I killed,” she whispered as another tear fell.
His thumb eased the tear from her cheek. “You killed, just as I have, to save lives. That rifle you used covered my back more times than I can name, and each time, you saved my life. You kept me alive, Lilly. And as God is my witness, there are times you kept me sane.”
“I’m not the real Lilly Belle, am I? She enjoyed killing, Travis. I read the whole report. She killed for sport.”
He shook his head
. “You’re not the real Lilly Belle. But the real Lilly Belle was the only identity available that could be used at the time. She was killed in Beirut six months after the crash you were rescued from. That cover worked perfectly. She wasn’t well known, she wasn’t seen often. Many of her jobs coincided with training exercises your father sent you on while you were learning to work with MI5. So it was the identity you were given.”
She shook her head slowly then. “You’re not the real Travis Caine either.” Pieces of the puzzle were beginning to fall into place now. Memories were slowly shifting, revealing themselves as he spoke. Bits and pieces, shards of memory not yet whole.
Travis shook his head slowly. “I’m not the real Travis Caine.”
Lilly stilled. She could feel a part of herself flooding with hope now, emotions surging, demanding to race through her body at this tentative proof of trust.
If he trusted her, he loved her. A part of her knew that what Travis had just admitted would seal his own death if she ever revealed it. Not just at the hands of his enemies, but those he worked with as well.
Shadows shifted now and raged through her brain. Pain struck at her temples as she fought to pierce the shield between herself and her memories.
She could feel them closer now than they had ever been before. As though this small measure of trust from him had weakened whatever wall had been placed inside her head to keep the memories at bay.
“Who are you?” Her hand lifted, her fingers trembling as they touched his lips, felt the warmth there, remembered the passion. He touched her as she knew no other man could have touched her, emotionally as well as physically.
She needed him to trust her completely, just as she had done with him.
She had trusted him with her fears, her knowledge; would he do the same? Would he give her a piece of himself that she knew he would have given no one else?
His head lowered, his lips moving to her ear.